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I lied to my boyfriend how do I get him back.. !


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 24th September 2012, 7:59 AM   #1
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I lied to my boyfriend how do I get him back.. !

Ok so me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years and its been really up and down but I love him more than anything. For the last few months I've not really seen much of my friends or been going out but my boyfriend goes out every weekend. I started to feel really lonely and explained to him how I felt, he agreed to stay in with me the following weekend and spend some time together but when the day came he decided he wanted to go and see his friend. I felt really let down and couldn't bear the thought of spending another weekend alone so I contacted my male cousin, he isn't blood related but is a very close part of our family and we have grown up knowing each other as cousins. I invited him round as I feel family are always reliable and I needed someone I was close with to talk too. We had a few drinks and talked with my parents and then he went home. My boyfriend text me later that night and asked what I was doing and I told him I was in bed but never mentioned my cousin coming round. The following day I text my cousin asking how he was and when he replied my boyfriend saw the text and broke off our relationship because I had lied to him and not told him my cousin had been there. I don't know why I didn't tell him and I don't know why I lied to him about it. He won't speak to me now and just says its too late and ill never get him back because of my lies. I really love him so much and can't imagine my life without him in it. How do I get him back after I betrayed his trust like that?

I know I deserve this but please help
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Old 24th September 2012, 8:16 AM   #2
 
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I think your boyfriend needs to grow up. Sure, you shouldn't have lied, but if all you did was talk to your cousin, his reaction is way over the top.

In my experience, when someone gets so worked up over a small, white lie and reacts very strongly to it, there is a huge chance that they have been lying to you to a far larger degree, and more than once. To me, this sounds like your boyfriend has been looking for a blame-free way out of the relationship and he uses this minor incident to accomplish that.

Don't blame yourself and stop talking to him for the time being. And no, you do NOT deserve this!
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Old 24th September 2012, 8:18 AM   #3
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I have to say it's seems like an extreme reaction from him. Yes, you lied to him and that is never a good thing in a relationship, but I hardly think this situation is a cause for breaking up. To me it sounds as if there was a lot more wrong than you've thought. Have you lied to him before about anything? It sounds like he's been quite distant from you anyway, going out without you every weekend. You need to look back and see what else was wrong.
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Old 24th September 2012, 8:42 AM   #4
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Have you lied to him before about anything?
I have lied to him previously in similar situations because he reacts badly to them and I didn't want to lose him. I have never cheated on him and I never would. He has lied to me a few times and I have always forgive him but he dosnt seem to be able to forgive me for my mistakes. He's really stubborn and sometimes goes days without speaking to me after a fight. I am totally wrong for lying and I know that. He has been really distant recently and changes his mind often about what he wants but he always apologises and says he didn't mean it. I'm so confused. I know that there's nothing going on with him, he isn't cheating or anything but he dosnt like to discuss his feelings and shuts down when I try so I don't know If there's something else that's bothering him.
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Old 24th September 2012, 8:47 AM   #5
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I have lied to him previously in similar situations because he reacts badly to them and I didn't want to lose him. I have never cheated on him and I never would. He has lied to me a few times and I have always forgive him but he dosnt seem to be able to forgive me for my mistakes. He's really stubborn and sometimes goes days without speaking to me after a fight.
Maybe the past times you lied to him, and the pent up anger for it has lead to his extreme reaction.

Both of you lie to each other so maybe that's something the both of you need to look into? Could be an underlying problem is what I'm saying.

This might sound a bit odd... but did you lie because you were trying to get back at him for ditching you to go out with his friend? It happens even if you love someone, that you do little spiteful things to get them back.

Happens to the best of us because no one is "perfect and pure of heart". We are human after all.

Just tell him that it was just your cousin and you guys didn't do anything but talk. What did he think you banged your own cousin or something?
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Old 24th September 2012, 8:49 AM   #6
 
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He has been really distant recently and changes his mind often about what he wants but he always apologises and says he didn't mean it. I'm so confused.
No, you just don't want to see what's right in front of you. If a man doesn't take you out anymore and instead goes alone, becomes distant, behaves erratically and blows up over minor issues, it means that there is a good chance that he's seeing someone else. As I wrote, I think he uses this incident to get out of the relationship without taking the responsibility for his decision. (I'm sorry for putting this so bluntly. I know it hurts, but you need to face this possibility.)

That aside, this wasn't a good relationship to be in for you. It strikes me as abusive if you can't tell your boyfriend that a family member visits you because you are afraid of his reaction. That's no way of living, and that's no way of having a relationship. You can do better than this.
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Old 24th September 2012, 9:10 AM   #7
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This might sound a bit odd... but did you lie because you were trying to get back at him for ditching you to go out with his friend? It happens even if you love someone, that you do little spiteful things to get them back.
I lied to him because I felt he would react badly to the truth, there have been past occasions where he has broken up with me for speaking to guy friends and I thought he would do the same about my family member. I'm really paranoid to lose him so even though I know deep down that he wouldn't have had an issue on this occasion there was just something in my mind telling me I need to be cautious about telling him.
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Old 24th September 2012, 9:10 AM   #8
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...
Just tell him that it was just your cousin and you guys didn't do anything but talk. What did he think you banged your own cousin or something?
The thing is, he's not really her cousin, just someone she has known practically all her life. Even if he were her cousin, having sex with your cousin isn't illegal. In fact, AFAIK, cousins can marry.
Of course, the USA being more paranoid about matters of this nature, has yet again, implemented bans the reasons for which are largely unfounded. But as he's not really her cousin, or blood-related, that is irrelevant.
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Old 24th September 2012, 9:17 AM   #9
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The thing is, he's not really her cousin, just someone she has known practically all her life. Even if he were her cousin, having sex with your cousin isn't illegal. In fact, AFAIK, cousins can marry.
Of course, the USA being more paranoid about matters of this nature, has yet again, implemented bans the reasons for which are largely unfounded. But as he's not really her cousin, or blood-related, that is irrelevant.

Well I didn't do anything of the sort with him and never would. Wether he is blood related or not he is still family
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Old 24th September 2012, 9:25 AM   #10
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Well I didn't do anything of the sort with him and never would. Wether he is blood related or not he is still family
yeah, i know; sadly it's not us you need to convince; "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive". See, now, damned if you do, damned if you don't. if you had been honest, he would have got mad. But because you lied, he got madder. it sound as if you spend your whole time walking on eggshells to make sure you don't make him mad. I can't live like that, if I have to modify my entire behaviour pattern and watch what I say the whole time 'in case someone might react badly' then stuff that, go to hell, this is who I am, deal with it, get over yourself.
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Old 24th September 2012, 9:43 AM   #11
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The problem is you have both been lying to each other. It doesn't matter if it's about big or little things, you've shown that you don't trust each other and you've stopped communicating properly. No relationship can survive without trust and communication. Sometimes it is hard to tell the truth as it may hurt the other person, but look at what happens when you lie and let these resentments build up. It's far worse.

I'm not sure there is much you can do at the moment. You need to give him some time to cool down and then if you're able to speak to him when he's calmer you need to both decide that you're not going to lie to each other and try and communicate things better.
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Old 24th September 2012, 10:19 AM   #12
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I'm not sure there is much you can do at the moment. You need to give him some time to cool down and then if you're able to speak to him when he's calmer you need to both decide that you're not going to lie to each other and try and communicate things better.
I am trying so hard to just give him a bit of space to calm down but I miss him so much and I keep thinking that what If I make it worse by not speaking to him what if he's just punishing me to see if I'm sorry for what I did and I don't fight to show him I'm sorry and he thinks I'm not doing enough. he's really complicated like that, he will tell me not to speak to him but them if I don't he will say I obviously don't love him because if I did I would try harder
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Old 24th September 2012, 10:22 AM   #13
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I bet after every time you've quarrelled you've been the one to go running and apologising to him. Am I right?
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Old 24th September 2012, 10:30 AM   #14
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Leah that is emotional blackmail. It's like someone telling you they will kill themselves if you don't talk to them. They play of your fears and make you do what they want for fear of losing their love. If you keep giving in to it they will keep doing it. The only way to reverse it is to do the opposite.

Tell him you don't love him. Tell him he pushed you too far. Tell him you're done. And then don't talk to him. See how long it is before he realises you mean it. If you let him bully you like this he'll keep doing it. Do you want to be the person that goes running back to that sort of abuse? What would you say to a friend who was treated the same way? You'd tell them to leave him wouldn't you.
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Old 24th September 2012, 10:31 AM   #15
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I bet after every time you've quarrelled you've been the one to go running and apologising to him. Am I right?
Pretty much yes. But it's usually my fault i tend to make a big deal of nothing and look into things too much which makes him angry. I've fought so hard to change and make us work and now messed up again by lying to him
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