Finally, here is my story

[Gab09]

I really couldn't grasp any sort of motivation to actually sit down and write my situation, but today has been a horrible day and a sober one as well. Which makes everything a lot harder. Hrmm.. Where to start..

 

I know this is a really long read, and I don't know if anyone will actually sit through it all, but I had just wanted to vent for a long time and got it all out there.. Thought it would feel better, but hasn't.

 

 

I was in this relationship for about 4 years going on 5 with this girl who I met years ago, she is 22 and i'm 24 at the moment. I met her back when she had just turned 18 I believe but she was with somebody else at the moment. She was actually already married at that age and had already cheated on her then husband with this other dude. Apparently he would always cheat on her and I guess it made her feel ok about it? I don't know.

 

 

Anyways, I actually met her the day I broke up with my girlfriend at the time, the same day. I was breaking it off with a girl who I had lived with for about 6 months I believe and I needed a ride home because I had lost the keys to my car. She was best friends with my sister and I called my sister, she was there and offered to go pick me up and bring me back to my moms.

 

 

I didn't really think anything of her at the time, but really wasn't even devastated because of the break up.. It was just one of those relationships where you don't even have anything in common, it just sort of happened. Besides, the girl was crazy.. Literally crazy, she would push me and try to slap me around, stuff like that.. One time she actually bite my hand I was very passive in that relationship, it was probably my second or third serious relationship, even though I have a very bad temper.

 

 

Well, so I met her there that night, picking me up and dropping me off, I actually barely talked to her, I remember I didn't even look at her as a girl at the time, meaning like I didn't even check her out.. I was just glad I was free from that crazy girl :S... Well, about 3 days after that was Halloween, so we didn't really have anything to do and I had plans for late at night, but I was free early during the night.. Well we decide to get together, my sister, her friend (my last ex), one of my friends and me. We all just get in a car and visit like local haunted places that we know of. Childish I know, but I was probably 20 back then and very bored... I slowly got to know her little by little, I would talk on the phone with her sometimes etc..

 

 

Well, flash forward all the way to probably november 21 I believe, another of my sisters friends hosts a party, it's her birthday. I remember I was talking to my ex on the phone and she was telling me how she was very bored and sad because she had broken up with her then husband and he had stormed out of the house with his stuff. Well we end up picking her up and heading for the party, little did I know that she had taken a bunch of roach pills. Oh she was diagnosed with depression at an earlier age and had been taking some strong pills for depression and stuff like that, up to this day I can almost swear she is bipolar. Anyways, I didn't know this and we were all drinking, I really couldn't tell she was totally messed up, as so was I.. I end up driving back home and dropping everybody else off at their house, and since her house is about 3 blocks from mine, she was the last one I was going to drop off.

 

 

Well, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I remember I couldn't tell she was totally messed up, she was acting drunk, but not messed up. Later that night we were in my house, she was going into the restroom when her mom started knocking on the door like crazy, and since we had the windows opened she saw us through the window and yelled to come out. We had this big problem and stuff got nasty, her mother was shoving her around and pushing her and stuff like that, I was defending her, yelling at her mom not to treat her like that, blah blah. She ended up even jumping out of the truck while it was driving, that's how bad she apparently was.

 

 

A couple of days go by and I didn't hear anything from her, well she calls up my house and talks to my sister. She then asks to speak to me, I grab the phone a little weird and we start talking.. She plays it off like, "did we do something last night?".. And well I couldn't tell if she was telling the truth or not about not remembering so I just tell her. Her reaction was like.. "o wow, really!?".. Little bit shocked, well anyways we start talking and just hit it off, I guess that was sort of our ice breaker? From then on, we would talk a lot on the phone and stuff, sometimes even about our exs, which did make her feel bad since she was really insecure.. Apparently, all this time she would tell me that she didn't have anything to do with her ex anymore (year how many times is that true)... This turns into a BIG BIG problem.. Confrontations with her mom, I have a ton of problems with her ex, initiated by me..

 

 

I eventually found out that she was still telling him she loved him and telling me she loved me.. I actually got them both in the same time and we talked, she told him in his face that she didn't love him anymore, that it was just a habit.. That she loved me. Well, this guy is devastated, I even go as far as to tell him I slept with her, in his face I just told him straight out, but not to hurt him or make her look bad, but I didn't think it was fair for him not to know.. When this happened, she told me she was over with him and completely done with him and that is the truth. We talk for a while and later I leave.. I try calling her to her cellphone but it's off, and later I find out that after I left them, they left to a hotel and had sex. Wow, I was so surprised, for a person who didn't love another person and this happened.. I called her the day after until I got a response from her, I couldn't reach her cell so I called her home phone and I spoke to her mother.. I told her I promised i would leave her alone because it was not fair for him if they still had something for me to be intruding like that, and so that was that..

 

About two weeks after I stop talking to her, mind me, during this period I was not really devastated, I did miss her and thought I had something with her because it had been a couple of months of interacting with her and just basically realizing that we had a lot of chemistry.. I knew from the start that she was not a stable person though. She was on some pills for anxiety attacks, the kind that would wake her up at night screaming and just making her feel like she was going to die.. Yeah, that kind..

 

 

Well, about a week and a half after i break up with her, I meet this other girl who i start going out with. I liked her and she liked me, so we hit it off and eventually build a relationship, I asked her to be my girlfriend and I would just pass time with her. She was a good school girl, she was working and totally loved me. But, no chemistry at all.. :/ funny how things work out.. She was the perfect image of what I wanted in a woman, she had a very nice body and was a good girl, not parting and stuff like that. Anyways, my current EX had been trying to contact me through myspace at the time I believe and we would talk sometimes, but very short dry conversations, because I told her I was not gona intrude in her relationship.. Well one night she messages me and I just respond with.. "I am no longer talking to you, I"m sorry but I am in a relationship with a girl who deserves my respect and I don't want to do something that can hurt her"... Well, apparently that blew her cap off and made her go crazy..

 

 

That night she broke it off with her husband at the time, he moved out and she just completely devoted her days to trying to get me back. As far as calling me and telling me she loved me and how if i gave her a chance, everything would turn out, she promised me.. for about 2 months I held back, I told her no, I wasn't happy with my girlfriend at the time because we had no chemistry together, but I didn't want to hurt her.. Well, I knew deep down me that I loved my ex.. Actually, I'm going to name my last ex, girl 1 and my ex ex girl 2, hopefully it doesn't get too confusing, I don't want to say their names.. Well, after about 2 months my relationship starts to fall apart with girl 2, everything just seemed to go down the drain. We wouldn't talk as much, we would fight a lot and just, whenever we were together, we got bored.. I finally break it off with girl 2 and get back together with girl 1 :/

 

 

From that time up until now, she had changed a lot.. She overcame her anxiety attacks, with help from me. I would always just hold he rand not let her take any pills until she finally just over came it.. At the end she would get very very small attacks and just learn to control them by breathing and holding me. I do have to admit though, probably some of the best times of my life, right along side with the worst times. It's been a none stop roller coaster with her, I don't think we've been stable enough to last a whole 8 months.. We would always always break up but just continue to get back together, all the time. I've lasted up to 1.5 months just NC and then all of a sudden one of us would break and we would end up getting back together. That's why I guess this time around it's so ****ing frustrating.. You would think that with all my "training" in break ups with her, it would get easier, but it didn't.

 

 

I had so many problems, I can't even start to list them all.. She claimed to never have cheated on me, but she would always jump back to her ex, to "talk" when we would fight.. It was a nightmare when her ex was around, it got to the point that I got used to it. We would break up, I would drive by her house and she wasn't there, she was out and I would later find out she had gone to a party with her friend or met up with her ex. One time, probably about, hrmm.. maybe 3 years ago? She went as far as to tell me she didn't love me and just.. straight out told me.. I remember this was one of the darkest times of my life as well, I felt like i was going to die.. Full of fuilt and regret.. I later found out that she had told me that because she had kissed her ex and I guess figured that something might happen? But her ex had a girlfriend and I guess eventually she found out she had made a mistake and came begging me back.

 

 

She used to be a compulsive liar, her behavior made me into such a jealous guy.. Our relationship was full of mistrust and speculations. Even though I had never cheated on her, she never trusted me.. She would always make this big deals of me being 10 minutes late when I came home from work, or if I didn't respond to her message on MSN or to a TEXT.. I used to work in an office, so I was on MSN all day.. Now I know, i know first hand that it's been tough and we have had many problems.. She would always just switch her temper on and off.. She could be the most docile person you could meet with her, and we'd be ok for about 2 weeks, maybe 3, then one day we would have a falling out because she would turn into this ugly person.. Just saying things trying to hurt me or spite me. I have to admit that I did treat her bad a lot of times, because of mistakes I made.. I never cheated or lied to her, but because of the situation, I had a lot of anger from so much she had done to me.

 

 

She would go out with guys a couple of days after breaking up, on something stupid.. I mean, it always surprised me, how every time we would break up, I would always hold out a week or two before even going out, because i thought it was a way of respecting our relationship, and with her it was always the contrary.. She would not face problems and just keep herself busy, until one day she would burst and come looking for me, or give in.

 

 

I know we've hurt each other so much, so many times.. But when it was good, it was great! She was very atentive to what I needed, she would wash my cloths, care about what I would tell her.. Just, over all good. I just had a very hard time dealing with her temper. She would just switch colors in a second.

 

Well, flash forward to december 2011, I leave my job. I hated that job, it had gotten me depressed, I gained weight because of all the stress and my boss had promised me a raise out of the ****y minimum wage i was getting paid for over a year, and nothing.. So I saved up about 4,000 and just up and quit.. That plus the tax return, made it easy for me. I also wanted to spend more time with her, since she would always say that between working and exercising she felt alone and depressed, she felt lonely :/ It was good for a while, coming to about may and she decides she would want to try out a job. So she does, she gets hired and starts working there.. It didn't take long for things to go bad.. She started being more on edge all the time, getting agitated over no reason. She just wanted to sleep all day and would act as if she was the only person in the room, it was OUR room, two people lived in that room.. But though she would make it seem as if only her, turning off the tv and lights at 8pm because she wanted to sleep, leaving me like.. what? I mean, we were living with my mother and sister, co paying rent and basically we had just one room for our stuff, you know.

 

 

I know people say it's not true, but a lot of times when someone in the relationship doesn't work and starts working, that completely changes some people. Things just started getting worse, and on august 15th, it was my fathers birthday. We had a bbq for him and I was spending some time with him and my mom, well she comes out from work at like 4, and I'm out back with them. I guess, she gets agitated for no reason.. At around 4:20 I didn't even know she was home because she didn't call or text or let me know she was coming and since because of her job she never has a fixed time to clock out. Well I was in the dining room just eating with my family, she passes by straight to the restroom with a face of "ughh."..

 

Everybody asks me, what's wrong is she mad? And I assure everybody, no she probably had a hard time at work or something.. On her way back I tell her, "hey babe, i saved a plate for you, it's in the microwave you don't want to eat?".. She doesn't even stop to look at me, she just dashes by and says "no".. This really ****ing annoyed me, because she would always pull things like that around my family.. This was a person who used to be jealous of th relationship I had with my mother, telling me it wasn't normal for me to be so close to her and treat her the way I did.. Just because I would talk to her about my private life and always kiss her on the cheek when I saw her and said goodbye, things like that..

 

 

Well anyways, that just set me off and I was really angry at her.. I go to the room and ask her what's wrong.. and she's just tells me.. "Well I've been here since 4 and I hadn't even seen you because you were busy.".. and well I tel l her "well of course I texted you telling you about it, so what's the problem?".. At this point she had already turned off the lights and the tv off... I try to pursue her to eat again, she says no.. And that was the beginning of the end.

 

From there up until the 16th, we were having a very bad time.. I was not really talking to her a lot, but she was acting like she didn't care really.. Usually when one of us acts like that the other would try to make it up and try to fix things.. Well this time she asked me what's wrong.. and I told her why I was angry with her and she sort of brushed it off.. Like, "o whatever.".. Later on the day I go out to pay some bills and she sends me a text.. "i'm sorry I messed up but I love you.."..

 

I reply "I know I Love you to, but it just pisses me off that you always pull this ****.".. And that's that.. I get home and I'm still kind of pissed off so I don't talk to her as much and just kind of give her a cold shoulder.. On the 17th, she comes out of work late, later than usual, I took it as if she was doing it on purpose to get to me.. After that, she comes home and acts really cold towards me, I see her for like 20 minutes and I go to the restroom.. She sends me a text, "be back later going to zumba class". It kind of got to me because of the fact that she was acting like she was alone, mind me, this is the person that couldn't trust me doing anything.. Many times we broke up because she would make up stupid stories in her head and pick fights with me.. One time we broke up because I was outside drinking with my friends, oh and even that.. I wouldn't even go out with my friends anymore.. Completetly got rid of that, I would just have them over and we would drink at our place.. Anyways, we were out on the porche drinking and well we ran out of beer, it was probably around 11:20 on like a friday.. So at 12 they stop selling beer. I have a gasoline station literally 2 blocks away from my house, with a drive through window.. So we think nothing of it, my ex was already asleep and I just take off.. I take less than 2 minutes, I swear.. Well, I come back home to find her at the door, really pist off and makes this big fuss about why I came back so fast, and why didn't I go in, wake her up and tell her I was going to buy some beer..

 

That's just one of the times we broke up because of crazy things like that. Well, back to THIS BREAK UP.. So she comes back from her "zumba class".. which was from 730 to 9.. I have some family over, including a cousin of mine who I sometimes drink with.. Well, we're drinking and at around 1030, she comes out to the porch and tells me.. "i'm leaving, I'm going to a friends be back later tonight, i'll probably be out 2 hours"... And our relationship was never build like that.. I never did that to her, I mean, specially that late at night and just to tell me like that?.. So we go inside and we start arguing about that, she wanted to go visit her "best friend".. The best friend who has caused us so many problems, I swear sometimes, she would make me doubt her.. I've even gotten to the point to believe that maybe she loves her?

 

Well, I tell her that I'm not her battered wife and she can't just try to leave at 11 at night and not expect me to say anything.. We argue about 30 minutes, within this time she tells me how perhaps she's not ready for a relationship and get married and kids.. Something we would always talk about and something she always wanted, according to her.. I tell her, listen.. If you want to take off and act like you're single, then do so, but you are going to be single.. You can move out if going there means so much to you that you would throw what we have away.. " she proceeds to tell me what we're already broken and on the floor and blah blah".. I just kind of stare at her thinking how much I love her, without telling her of course, because of the situation and give her a kiss on the lops and tell her.. It's up to you.. you can decide..

 

I go back outside and 20 minutes later she comes out.. "i'll be back later"..

 

I swear, it was a huge blow to my heart, I started to feel like.. "oh my god, this is happening again.".. I continue to drink and well the night goes on, at 12 45 she sends me a text, "I'm at my house".. I guess she thought nothing was going to happen and was letting me know that she was visiting her mom.. I text her back.. " stay over there tonight, tomorrow you can come and pick your things up".. And she just replied "O ok".. And that was that..

 

Just like that, a 4 year relationship ended.. Next day she came by at around noon, acting all moody as if I had left her for my friends! And talking **** like, "did you have fun last night".. and i didn't want a confrontation, so I would just tell her "You know what, you threw this away, I don't want to argue".. She would just tell me "whatever this was already in the trash anyways"..

 

Since then, I haven't heard from her or seen her.. The little times I would text her for stuff she had left behind or stuff I needed she had, she wouldn't reply to me, she would send my sister a text.. Something she's never done before.. Since the 18th, I have not seen her or heard from her, and I have to admit, this have been the longest days of my life. Out of all those days, I have been sober probably 3 days.. Including day and 2 days last week.. Other than that, I've been pretty much just drinking and evading reality..

 

Daily routine, wake up at 10-11 am after going to sleep at 4-5am.. But doesn't matter how much I drink the night before, I still can't sleep.. I take up, take an hour long shower.. Just waste time with a friend till probably 7 or 8 till I start to get sad and feel hopeless and just drink again.

 

 

To top everything off, I don't have a job, I'm sort of broke.. And due to some new law they passed, the old tickets I had on my ID, before I had a drivers licence, have now been transferred to my licence. and I can't get the plates to drive my car. So everything just came down crashing on me, it's a daily struggle to find things to do just to get by, I can't get the motivation to finish my resume or look for a job.. But at the same time just feeling sorry for myself for not having one!

 

I swear, I know I love her, I know this isn't healthy and it's not fair that no matter how many times we break up, the one that ends up suffering, regardless of it being my fault or not, is always me.. It's not fair that I have to go through this "break ups" several times a year, always afraid that this time it'll be the last time, but at the same time, hoping it won't, just like last time!

 

 

I love this girl and even though I know she was the one being indifferent and decided to leave me to be with her friend.. I still miss her, I try to remember all the bad things she's done to me, like ruining my birthday, my moms birthday, my brothers birthday, all because of her temper.. She would literally just pull some stupid **** to ruin the day, all the time. My family already knows the way she is, and after this break up, everybody would tell me.. Well I hope you don't get offended, but she had sort of a temper problem.. she would always be angry then fine.

 

 

What do I do guys, I've had basically NC since the 17th, all the way until the 29th of august, when I slipped while drinking and wrote her a several pages long email mixed with bugging her about all she's done to me in the past and "i have to get over you.".. big mistake.. all the reply I got minutes later was.. "I don't have time to read all your attempts at bring up my past, sorry bye"..

 

Morning after that once I was sober, I wrote a couple of I'm sorry texts to no reply.. Since when I hadn't send her anything until today, but it was a legit text about something important.. I had her debit card on my gym membership and the recurring payment was today and it went in.. I texted her to let her know I had totally forgotten and that I would change the card as soon as I could.. No reply.. Later I found out she texted my mother "How are you, I hope you're doing great. Can you please tell him not to worry, he is covered for this month."... What do I take from that?

 

I've never felt so lost and It doesn't help to think that my whole life is out of order, I neglected it so much because I just felt so blindly in love with her.. Nothing else seemed to matter..

 

Sorry guys for the extremely long BOOK.. I would really like somebodies perspective on this..

[Floored]

Well, finally finished the novel. I see a lot of similarities with mine, so I'll throw in few cents.

 

There's a lot of anger between you two. That's also how mine went down. I don't know if it was me or her, or me instigating her, but my ex- especially near the end- was just constantly a little ball of rage. I think it's just because she was waiting to leave me. I honestly heard my ex's voice reading some of the things your ex told you. And, I was mentally reading the email I sent to mine after too many hours on the town; mine only replied: "don't contact me anymore *******". So there's another fine similarity.

 

It's a broken mess, I think you should be starting to realize this. Sometimes love just falls apart and it doesn't make any sense, sometimes it falls apart because the foundation was just cracked beyond repair. Mine did, even with me frantically trying to keep it in place, so I say this out of understanding. I was going to propose to my ex after her work orientation, I thought we'd either just elope quickly or be married by next summer at the very latest. So it kind of slammed me hard to be dumped so soon to me making that final commitment to her, but probably better than getting dumped later, as it was inevitable. The foundation of our relationship and the maturity levels of both of us were just not there.

 

It's hard dealing with a loss of someone who was there for so many years, it's hard to deal with every day without being able to text that someone every ten minutes. I'm not going to tell you to focus on just the good, or just the bad. Focus on just the good, and you'll be locked-in a waiting loop for her to "come around"; focus on the bad, and you'll delve into even lower depths of dealing with the pain... like excessive drinking, and staying up way too late doing nothing. You need to find balance in how you view the relationship in order to get to a place where you can emotionally move away from it.

 

You also need to get your life back together, and this starts with getting a job. It doesn't matter at this point if it's below your level or not; work is work, not all work is equal but it's more equal than not working. The unemployed are very unemployable, so if nothing else, getting on a payroll will help more to land other jobs that are more enticing. Does it look kind of fishy on a resume to have a McJob for only two months? Maybe a little, but it looks astronomically worse to be unemployed for so long. Get yourself employed making minimum, then you'll be better suited to moving up and out. You'll need to swallow some pride, but there's no other way to move up unless you have some silver-spoon connections.

 

You'll need to start piecing other parts of your life back. I do know that depression is a vicious cycle that feeds on itself. You need to move to break that or seek counseling, starting with putting moderate constraints on your alcohol consumption and getting to bed at a reasonable time; I'm not your mother, but I've seen many people perpetuate or break a cycle of depression based on sleep habits alone. You will need to force yourself to go to bed earlier; try hitting the gym HARD about three hours before that reasonable bed time comes.

 

Brings me to a third point- just start working out more, even if you already were. I moved from 3 miles of running a day, 3 days of biking a week, and 3 days of lifting a week to 5;5;5 right after my break. That's just what I needed to do to lose myself a little bit. It will keep your body in shape in a time when your emotions are not. Losing both is bad. Keep your physical self in check and it will help keep that part of your ego in check as well.

 

Finally, you need to reregister happiness in your mind. I'd advise against jumping to another girl right away as you won't be able to fully appreciate what you'll have when you're still focused on what you lost- you mentioned this yourself. Plus, you'll probably just end up hurting her in the long-run if she develops feelings that you have no capacity to reciprocate at this point. Either find a new hobby or rekindle an old one. I made myself a check list of what video games I wanted to play again, what books I wanted to read, what trails I wanted to ride and how many times of each, and getting my motorcycle license. Small things, but things that I like that help me feel like I did when I was on my own before. Meeting new people and going to parties? These are nice to fulfill social needs, but they are not hobbies as I sometimes see them described on here. Find something you love to do by yourself.

 

Not only will these help you keep your mind off of her, it will help renew your self-esteem. It won't be instant, it will take weeks of grinding it out and putting up a facade to mask how hurt you really are, but there will be a time when you wake up a little bit more excited to face the day. Moving on for me is about moving forward, with the occasional backslide as I'm so apt to do. I know I'm not over my ex, but I also know I'm finally free of that dark fog that I was choking in initially, and moving forward with whatever little goals I could come up with helped me to get there. Get your brain wrapped around the idea that you do just fine on your own; that's what my other thread was about that you posted in.

 

I know what it is like to neglect everything because the focus was too strong on the girl. This is not good, and you as a person are going to be better without that relationship.

[Gab09]

I really appreciate your words floored, when you're in a situation like this.. Even the smallest things can make a big difference.

 

Thanks for the words, I understand and know what I should do. It's just a league in its own. No feeling can compare to a heart break, not even a death. People tell you, "move on with it, just make believe that person passed away".. But honestly, when you're a couple and you live with them, like me..

 

You get to be closer to them than you are with your brothers and sisters.. You know every single part of that other beings body.. Once a brother/sister passes away, do you just feel better a month later?

 

Today started off as a horrible day, but a string just started pulling me in the right direction, hopefully for the rest of the day. I'm trying to control my alcohol intake, been 2 days alcohol free. Today, my brother in law is leaving back to work up north, so i'll probably end up drinking but it'll be different I hope since I'll be in a good mood, and not drink to forget.

 

 

All this is just surreal, I honestly am having a hard time wrapping my brain around it. The girl I loved so much, the same one that a week before breaking up was talking to me about how much she wanted to be a mother already with my child, and get married. The person who I can literally scroll back from the hate texts from the 17th, to the 16th and they were full of love and feelings.

 

 

She's always been a train wreck, the bad thing about that is that when she pulls her **** she deraills my whole life as well.. Honestly I know, my brain tells me one thing, but my heart is a stubborn little prick who won't let go!

 

I did some biceps and fore arms today, along with some boxing.. Also going to go run probably 2 miles since I'm sore from yesterdays 5 miles.

 

I send her a long email I think it was yesterday or the day before yesterday. It was basically a closure email, talking to her about some stuff, letting her know not to reply please and I just needed to vent that stuff.. Wished her health and good fortune and told her, "I hope you find that one person that will be able to make you happy"..

 

For all I know she might already be dating, wouldn't be the first time she tried to pull something like that. It's a bit confusing though, because we've been broken up numerous times, numerous times! My family even laughs about it, how we would break up every 3-5 months and the longest we've been appared with completetly NC has been like 1.5 months.

 

 

This time though, I'm not holding back. I've always been lucky in the lady department, it's just a little frustrating having to meet somebody completely new and to get that same connection. Not to mention my ex was Hoot.. She was like a melting reactor, very hot, very unstable :S

 

 

Anyways, that's my vent for the day, thanks to those who read and thanks floored for taking the time out of your day to contribute to mine.

 

Oh by the way I forgot to mention, after I send her that email, which was pretty well written and I think I didn't miss anything, I felt kind of anxious to see if she replied.. That lasted a couple of hours, then I just sort of started feeling peace.. Like the pain after you just strip a painfull splinter out of your hand.. The pain still pumps, but it gets slower and easier.

[maya.arrow]

hey,

just wanted to say--congratulations!! seriously, breaking up with this girl is the best thing you could have ever done for your life. i have been there...been in the same sort of relationship. the intensity, the love, the fighting, the hurting each other in revenge for how much you hurt. the ruined birthdays, the strained holidays...the good times were good, but the bad times were horrible and become more frequent. you become like a junkie wanting that high back and wondering why you have to feel so sick in between each fix. what you had was codependency. and welcome to much much better life. after i finally managed to leave my ex, after 4 years of walking on eggshells and wondering what else i could do to make things better, it was painful. but a strange sort of relief. i thought i could never love again. i thought i was broken. i thought that perhaps, if i gave it time, we would get back together and things would be better. but you know what? not long after...maybe a year...i met the love of my life. and for the first time in 4 years, i had a relationship with someone who respected me and whom i could respect. someone who would speak calmly to me if he had a problem, who i could talk to about our issues without it becoming a battle about who was more hurt and wronged. someone who surprised me on my birthday with gifts, who cuddled me when i was sad. i realised, pretty quickly, that THIS was what a relationship could be like...not waves and waves of pain. And pretty soon after meeting my new love, my ex wanted me back. And the thought of him disgusted me because i realised how i would never want to be with someone so selfish and emotionally immature again.

seriously, welcome to the rest of your life and having it back again!

[Gab09]

Wow, Maya..

 

It's amazing what a couple of sentences can do to your day.

 

Just now I came back from running, really hung over from last night as I went out with some friends, and was feeling like crap.. Kind of sad and just thinking about her, I get an email that somebody replied to my post and I come home to read this.

 

I know, and although I can rationalize every word you said, my junkie heart still misses her. :/ I am moving on though, or trying to atleast, making changes in my life that will better my situation and probably put me out there more.

 

Thank you for your time, for you it may be a couple of minutes, but for me it's a whole day I'll be coming back to re-read your words.

 

Always appreciate a success story!

[maya.arrow]

So glad I could provide some comfort! Believe me, when I was where you are...I couldn't even imagine ever being happy again. So please trust me when I say that you are so much better off now. It's not that my story is a happily-ever-after. My love and I will be breaking up soon (which is a whole other story...) and it hurts even more to lose him because what we had was so wonderful. But now I know what a real loving relationship can be like, and it will forever be the standard for future relationships (if I can ever find someone like him again.)

 

Of course you will miss her...but think of it as a withdrawal symptom. You were in a cycle of highs and horrible, gut-wrenching lows, and it will take a while to get back into balance. But when you do...and you stop being at the mercy of those horrible swings, you will feel so much more peaceful. I found myself again after I got away from him--I stopped feeling BAD about every little thing I did because I wasn't sure how he would react. Feel the freedom!!

 

My ex (the horrible one), he STILL tries to contact me and stir up drama. But I am so far removed from it now it just makes me cringe and realise how far I have come and grown, and how he is still stuck in his teenager-like attitudes to life. Four years later, he still writes and talks about how much he regrets how awful he was. But I literally do not care. I would NEVER go back to him and I pity him that he still holds on to our relationship. Sure, he made me laugh harder than anyone else. But he also screamed at me for the stupidest things, ruined my holidays, made me feel like I couldn't have any friends, made me wonder what I was doing wrong all the time....

 

My love now--although we will be parting--he never once screamed at me or called me a name or deliberately tried to hurt me. Of course, there were times he got angry...times we fought...but it was always respectfully. That's what grown ups do. But I do warn you--the next relationship you have, you have to watch yourself from slipping into the same pattern. When my love and I had our first fight, I found myself lashing out in the same, self-pitying, vengeful way that I was used to. And I realised how awful that made me sound. I was so used to trying to hurt or blame to cope with being hurt that i didn't know how to speak honestly and humbly about my feelings. But I learned again. I learned to stop finding passive aggressive ways of showing my feelings. whenever I feel sad or hurt now, I can go to my love and just say: "hey, I'm feeling kind of down because of this-or-this. Can we talk about it?"

 

I am just so happy for you that you are going to be leaving that life. It is SUCH a wonderful thing.