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No Contact & The Narcissist


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 20th August 2012, 11:16 PM   #1
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No Contact & The Narcissist

I found a very interesting article on how to get over a breakup with a narcissist. I have found that many emotionally unavailable men/women fall under this category and are actually narcissists. Sadly, many of them don't even realize that they are narcissists. After reading this, I found that the man I was in a FWB relationship with for 5 years is actually a narcissist. For more information on narcissists and narcissistic behavior in relationships please also see the link below. This article stresses the importance of going and staying in NC with this type of relationship. I am so thankful that I was able to walk away with my dignity & before he could do any further damage than what he's already done.

I hope that the following information will be useful to someone who has been or is currently in a relationship/FWB/or marriage with a narcissist. This information comes from the article "No Contact Rule and Narcissism" and is brought to you from the site " "Squidoo" 2012. It has really shed light on the type of relationship I was in with this man. It has also given me strength and determination in staying in NC with my ex.


Why no Contact with a Narcissist?

After ANY romantic relationship ends, following the no contact rule with your ex is recommended. Regardless who was the one to end the relationship, there are still many emotions involved. Keeping contact with your ex only prolongs the pain. In order to move on, one must keep distance between themselves and their ex-partner. Despite the popular notion that the no-contact rule should be used as a way to get your ex back, in reality it is about dignity, healing and closure.

With a narcissist, all of the above reasons to implement no-contact apply, but there are even more reasons to maintain no-contact with a narcissist:

-You give yourself time and space to understand why you got involved and stayed involved with a narcissist.

-You avoid continued psychological and emotional abuse perpetrated by your ex. Often when we are in a relationship with a narcissist it is hard to see their true nature clearly. They often employ 'crazy-making' techniques to confuse you. It is crucial to have distance from your ex so that you don't get sucked back into their head games.

-You can get closure through no contact. You can't get it from your ex, because they are UNABLE to relate to you are a healthy, empathetic individual; you can only get it by learning to love YOUR life again.

-You get your dignity back! You're not trying to convince the narcissist you're right or convince him/her to care.

-You get the last word by say NOTHING at all! You may feel you wan't to rage at your ex and tell them what a horrible person they are, but this woll never work. Any contact you make with your narcissistic ex will be perceived by them as you still caring about and needing him/her. The best way to insult a narcissist is by NOT contacting them and showing that they don't matter to you at all!

-You don't get sucked back into their narcissistic drama. Narcissists will be nice for a time to hook up back in. Maybe you'll think they've finally realized the error of their ways and have changed, but you must remember that narcissists are incapable of changing! Don't give them the opportunity to hurt you again!
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Old 21st August 2012, 12:28 AM   #2
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I think this applies to my ex-boyfriend who couldn't commit to me. So basically stay NC till what? Till we realize they weren't worth it?

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Old 21st August 2012, 12:54 AM   #3
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Egomaniac and narcissists, do they mean the same?

My ex has a gigantic ego. He is uncomfortable with bringing his pride down for love's sake. He tried with me but I guess he was uneasy and went back to his old ways.

But the thing is, I know I can be quite the narcissist too. My ex and I are kind of the same in character, especially on being emotionally unavailable. The difference is I was more than willIng to adjust for him because I thought he was worth it.
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Old 21st August 2012, 2:46 PM   #4
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@youngnlove

Yes! If your guy was like any of the things described in that article, the idea is to stay in NC. These type of men basically never change and if you break NC you will find yourself going in circles with him until you're a damaged mess or until he decides to walk away from you and move on to his next victim which is what's happened to a lot of women. A lot of women have done NC and as soon as their narcissistic guy begin to notice that they were no longer making contact they would call and the woman would get sucked back in. Only for him to do the same thing to them all over again or he disappeared and moved on to another woman! Also, the NC is not a game. It's not implemented to change him or make him want you. It's for you to stand your ground and allow you the opportunity to get over the BU. Cases like these are hard for women to walk away from, so going NC allows you to do that. You just walk away and don't contact him. When he contacts you, you ignore him. He won't let go if you don't. He will go on with it as long as you allow him to and staying in contact with him won't allow you to heal or allow you the opportunity to meet someone who will commit and treat you with the respect you deserve. Or if he's dumped you already, the NC is like I said a way for you to heal. You just stick with not contacting him no matter what, time will pass and you will begin to heal. Unless you're ok with a guy playing mind games, manipulating you, controlling you, not committing to, and disrespecting you I strongly suggest you do NC and stick with it. 8/27 will be 1 month NC for me. He hasn't heard from me since 7/27 and he won't.

After being in this with my ex fwb of 5 years, I was lucky that I found the strength to walk away & BEFORE he had the chance to dump me! He treated me horribly & I don't want him back. I realize that I don't deserve that & NC is helping me greatly. Had I replied back to him on 8/3 when he text me I would still be hurting and he would have gotten his desperately needed "ego stroke". In the article below they say the best way to overcome a narcissist is to ignore them. It drives them crazy because they are such "attention seekers". I couldn't do another day, month, or year with him treating me that way. Don't know if you did but if you read the whole article under the link and it applies to you like it did to ME, then trust you will want to stay NC. My guy demonstrated all of the characteristics and treated me the way the article described. I mean really? Who would want to stay involved with someone like this? I know that I don't! I don't even want that type of person who lacks integrity around as a friend. The reality is that these type of men are selfish, lack empathy, play mind games, and are unreasonable because they are all about getting what THEY want for themselves. It's pretty much impossible for them to stay in a committed relationship.(view the very last link below about this) Natalie Lue also has really good articles too. I will drop some links here and you can look at those as well. Once you read them scroll to the bottom and you will see more of them. She REALLY gives insight to these type of men.

@kindest

I think that they are. I know that narcissists and emotionally unavailable men fall under the same category. You might want to Google that. She also talks about(first link below) how they fool you into thinking they are flawed, so you end up trying to change or adjust for them but they go against it anyway. Basically nothing you do will help them change because they don't want to be helped. It's not you, it's them. My guy had me confused too. I had begin thinking that it was always something that I could do different to make him happy or help him change, but nothing worked Why? Because I wasn't the problem, he was. What you said about you and him being the same in character doesn't surprise me. I noticed that I had some of his characteristics too. With me it was being selfish and manipulation. If you look up NPD(narcissistic personality disorder) you will find that these men are drawn to women that have the same traits. It's the way they work. They are not attracted to someone who is the opposite. The whole idea is that they are insecure and have low self esteem, so they look for someone who will boost their ego and that person has to be someone who has similar traits. A person with a lack thereof would see them for what they really are & quickly walk away from them, thus ruining their whole purpose. They are self absorbed, selfish, and self loving. They lack empathy, emotion, integrity, and they don't respect people. However, I also discovered in the articles that once you've been around a narcissist for a while that you become more like them. This is some info that I also found in Natalie Lue's articles. Like I said, they have really helped me. I will post them below. Btw, narcissism doesn't just apply to men, there are also narcissistic WOMEN out there as well. Just thought I would reiterate that, don't want people to think that I'm being sexist or biased when it comes to narcissists.

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Old 21st August 2012, 4:58 PM   #5
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Thanks lovejoy, glad to know I'm not the only one here. He offered friendship as if it were a token to our dead relationship! Boy, did he have the audacity. I told him to F&*% off after that.

It's only been a couple days. I know he will come back, he always does.

But I will be strong this time because he will never change. What a shame, he will realize what he lost and I will realize what I didn't have and I'll find someone 100% better! They did us a favor!
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Old 21st August 2012, 5:44 PM   #6
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You are most welcome youngnlove. No ma'm you are most definitely not alone. Good for you telling him to f**k off! HA! That whole "friends" thing is a trap that keeps you in their grip. Even though you're not together, throwing out the "friend card" still gives him access to call & check up on you when he likes. Some of them may even see it as a pass to the bedroom especially when they know you still have feelings for them. I've been victim to this. You sleep with them and feelings resurface. Once it's over you've slept with your "friend", you're all messed up, they're back off to la la land, & you hear nothing more from them. This is why it's better to cut them off altogether. Even being rude to him is still giving him the "ego stroke"/"bread crumbs" that he wants from you. You have got to cut him off completely. That silence will mess him up a whole lot more than a rude comment.

I can remember breaking NC twice in our 5 yr relationship(or whatever you want to call it). Once in 2009, and again in 2011. The first time I broke after 2 1/2 mos and the second time 2 mos. It's funny though because you know how you go NC on some ex's, then break it, they may ignore you or be rude. This guy responded back instantly both times almost as if he had been waiting for me to contact him & I was foolishly ecstatic when he did! That just confirms that he knew I would break and text him. It also showed that he didn't give a crap about me because he didn't reach out to me neither one of those times. I was foolish because both times it was about the same girl he NOW has living with him! smh So I shouldn't have went back, but it's a lesson learned. I also used to send him a lot of "Goodbye, I wish you the best" texts, but never followed through. Yep all we did was text, another red flag that I totally overlooked. So given my history, he has no reason to believe that I'm really gone. Natalie Lue says "Before he'll believe that he's lost or is losing you, you have to stay NC for the longest time that you've been broken up PLUS one month". Meaning that it's gonna be at least 3 1/2 mos before it sinks into that pea-sized brain of his that I'm really gone.

I'm pretty sure that right now he's thinking "She's just mad", "I'll ignore her & let her cool off", "She'll be back", but unlike the previous circumstances I won't be going back. After 5 long years & lots of maturing I've had enough of his disrespectful, emotionally unavailable a**. I'm done TEXTING about what I'm going to do. I'm showing him with ACTIONS. This time around is quite different. In the past he wasn't slanging names at me nor was she living with him(no excuses either way). I suspected that there was something more going on back then which is why I went NC. This time around he totally disrespected me when he came with the whole "I don't care about you b**ches" & calling me a "stupid annoying b**ch" after I confronted him about the SAME GIRL meeting his parents! Ugh! You see what I mean about me being foolish those times before? If I had walked years ago I could've avoided going through this. We as women have to take responsibility for our part in this as well. They can't do what we don't allow them to do. I've never experienced such disrespect from a man and it hurt me and angered me. That is what fuels me to continue on with NC. He will not get another opportunity to disrespect me again.

So don't worry, just be sure you stick to NC. Otherwise he'll keep running circles around you. He'll be getting his ego stroked while going on with his life. YOU will be stressed, depressed, and wondering why he continues to do this; while all the while stalling your healing and happiness. We should not be worried about them because remember "What you sow, that shall you reap". This girl he's with is nothing more than a mirrored reflection of his "extremely damaged" self. She will not only be his karma, but will use him up for all that he has($$$) and move on to the next man. Trust, one of these days both of our guys are going to experience the pain that we've experienced. What you have to focus on now is YOU, and not HIM. SHOW him that you deserve better. Sorry for the long replies, but these EUM's and their s**t makes my blood boil!

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Old 22nd August 2012, 1:54 AM   #7
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@lovejoy

Ya I think there was something about me that attracted him, something that he can relate to. It hurts for me to admit this but I've always tried to detach myself from him in the beginning because I was so scared of getting hurt. I guess my instincts were telling me that no matter how I liked/loved this man, and no matter how much he promised me that he will never leave (and promised, he did) that he will end up taking back his words. I blame myself sometimes because I knew I was holding back plenty of times because of how scared I was of getting hurt.

But I guess you're right. Nothing I would have done differently will keep him. I'm only one of the women he has dumped due to his unavailability. All of these other women he was able to keep as 'friends' but I just couldn't. I guess I wanted to be different and want to be remembered as the only woman who will not tolerate his bull$h1t. I'm not okay with what he did and I'll never be okay with it.
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Old 22nd August 2012, 1:15 PM   #8
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I understand kindest. Same here. It's like you beat yourself up for letting them hurt you because you fought so hard not to let that happen to begin with. I had tried many times to detach from him and my heart would get in the way. It's a trip though because the last time I saw him on 7/3 I was feeling different. It was like I just wasn't feeling him anymore. He stayed the night with me and I wasn't kissing or cuddling with him as usual. It's like I didn't want him near me and I hadn't even discovered about the live-in gf & her meeting his parents yet. I think it's that I knew that something wasn't right about him. At one point, he even asked "Are you ok"? I knew that I wasn't happy. I think I knew then that it was over. I think that I was mentally preparing to walk then. So by the time the confrontation about the live-in gf unexpectedly came on 7/18 my mind was already made up, but he didn't know that. I had foolishly told him that i would still be his friend if he wanted me to be after that confrontation.

Girl, I think I was just cuckoo by then! I wasn't in my right mind. My brain just wasn't processing what I had just confronted him with. It was like I just didn't want to let him go. This is how messed up we get in continuing to deal with them. They are like a drug & you become addicted. So he thought we were still good and asked me out the same night. I can't believe that he really thought that I would want t still be with him even after KNOWING about this woman living with him and her meeting his fam! I guess he did though since I was stupid enough to say I would still be his friend. Hell, I was fooling myself! By the time he did that, I had already had enough time to process everything & decided that I wanted it to end. So I turned his date down. I still hadn't found the strength to tell him because making this decision hurt me so bad, so I didn't tell him. I just walked on my own. Besides after the things he'd said to me that day, he didn't deserve to know that I was gone. I think it's when I turned him down that he begin to get suspicious. I hadn't ever turned him down for a night out.

So when he text me 8/3 I think he already knew that I was done, but sent that text just to confirm& he got his answer when I didn't reply back. So, don't blame yourself. You can't take all of the blame. We do have to take some of it but not all of it. At some point we knew that these men weren't given their all and we stuck around, BUT these men knew they weren't serious about us as well. We just have to be thankful that it's over and done now & pray for these other poor lost souls that these men will come in contact with.

Even with me walking away from him, I'm still not ok with what he did to me. I did get the last laugh when he texted though. Like you said, I'll be the woman who he remembers as the "one who didn't tolerate his bulls***. That is when he accepts it. Like I said, he's probably sure that I'm gonna break in another month or so. He's so wrong this time. It's inhuman and cruel for them to do these things but that's just how selfish people are these days. No worries, karma will rear its ugly head in their lives real soon & trust you will hear about it when it does. Like youngnlove said, he did you a favor by dismissing you. Now that he's out of the way, you can meet someone who will give you what you deserve, and that's the BEST. Hang in there. Your blessing is on the way & so is his nightmare.

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Old 22nd August 2012, 1:27 PM   #9
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As an advisory, it is fine to recommend other web sites for members to read but against site policy to directly link to web sites offering commercial products for sale, including books.

I'll use an example of appropriate language. "If you check the Baggage Reclaim website, I think you'll find a lot of information relevant to narcissism", then feel free to quote a short passage of said information.

What I'm seeing here is a flurry of activity from recently registered members and a slew of commercial links posted. The site owner does not like paying for the popularity of LoveShack to be used purposely or accidentally for advertising other people's wares. Thanks for your consideration in this matter.
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Old 22nd August 2012, 1:38 PM   #10
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My apologies William. I had no idea that this was the case. That totally makes sense though. I was only trying to help people by referring them to these links to assist them in dealing with their heartbreak as I did. I didn't think that their would be an issue with that. I didn't view the links as being competition since we were all on here trying to help each other. However, it won't happen again now that I am aware that it's a problem.

I don't mean to sound mean or disrespectful when I say this, but this has made me quite uncomfortable with being on here now. It was accidental. I would never purposely advertise for another person's site. I thought that the threads were to help people cope in whatever way possible although once again, I do understand if it's about promoting other sites that concerns you. With this now being the case I would like to inquire about having my account permanently deleted. LoveShack has really helped me deal with my BU but I'm no longer comfortable with posting on here and wish to be removed along with my threads.

Thank you
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Old 22nd August 2012, 2:24 PM   #11
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that's a lot of armchair diagnosing people being narcissists. i've never understood the urge for girls to need their ex to be a narcissist just because they've dumped someone.

isn't presuming someone is a narcissist...well...a bit arrogant?
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Old 22nd August 2012, 3:39 PM   #12
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Thanks for sharing. This sounds a lot like the girl I got out of a relationship a week ago. She tore me down so far emotionally and it was my fault for letting her. Like the article says, you just can't realize it during the relationship. Now that I've had time away from her, I'm starting to see these things. I'm also a victim of getting sucked back in. We broke up once, I went NC and she came back acting perfect so I took her back. Well, this slowly faded and she has caused her problems again pretty much pushing me to break up with her. She said she's better out of the relationship now and wants to be friends. I said that's cool but I'm just going to start ignoring everything she sends from now on. Not sure whether she'll freak out or not but I'm so aggravated I don't really even care anymore.
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Old 22nd August 2012, 6:02 PM   #13
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@flitzanu

Ummmm, no. What do you mean? There is no "urge" or need for me to make him a narcissist because I dumped him! I was fishing through articles about emotionally unavailable men/women & just happen to stumble across an article that said that EUM's and narcissists have similar traits and I posted it. So what?! And yes, my guy did have those characteristics. If you had read the post correctly, you would have also read that I did say we might've been similar in that I was selfish and manipulative. I acknowledge that! I never said that I was perfect. Like I said in my first post, this isn't about just a man, it can also be a woman who's this way. We are free to post what we want on here and as far as I'm concerned I don't see myself being arrogant in stating how he behaved whether it's narcissism or not. No one is pointing fingers saying that everyone who gets dumped or dumps someone is involved with a narcissist. I'm simply saying that the person I dealt with behaved that way.

I don't need validation from anyone as to why I dumped him. Whether he was a narcissist or not, the bottom line is that he treated me like crap. That's why he got dumped! I was the one that was always trying to show him that I loved him, was humble, and patient. The times that I was selfish and manipulative was usually because of something he'd said to hurt me or something that I was suspicious about as far as his "secret gf" went. So I admit, yes I should've left then. I said that I take SOME of the blame for what happened BUT not ALL of the blame. If I was arrogant, I would've dropped him a long time ago and moved on to what I thought would be "better for me". I never turned my nose up and acted as if I was better than him at any point in that relationship. That's why I fought so hard & stayed in it for as long as I did. So if you have a problem with me calling him a emotionally unavailable man/ narcissist" it's your problem. The only person that knows how he was is me and him. It's sad when people who know nothing about what went on in someone's else relationship starts judging people & stating that what they've said or posted about their BU is them being arrogant. If all that you have are negative & insulting comments to add to my thread, I'll ask politely that you not comment at all.

@Fray

You are most welcome. I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. This is why we're here... to SHARE our stories, not to judge& point fingers. Everyone might not agree with what happened in your BU or any other persons BU but you should feel comfortable posting and getting the advice/opinion of others on here. And I quote, "even if you don't agree, you can voice your opinion with respect". Everyone has been through different things in their BU whether they are the dumper or the dumpee so who am I to judge you? And I'm most certainly not a "ARMCHAIR, DIAGNOSING therapist", or psychologist. What I read up on about these type of people is what's helped ME. So regardless of what others say, just know that you're the only one who knows what went on that relationship. Stay positive and thanks again for sharing your story.

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Old 22nd August 2012, 9:35 PM   #14
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then i must be confused, since your original post about the subject said it was 5 years FWB and he wouldn't commit to you, and then took another girl to meet his parents and had been lying to you about it. having another woman and not committing to you didn't sound to me like narcissism.

Criteria for narcissistic personality disorder to be diagnosed include:

-Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
-Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power or beauty
-Believing that you are special and can associate only with equally special people
-Requiring constant admiration
-Having a sense of entitlement
-Taking advantage of others
-Having an inability to recognize needs and feelings of others
-Being envious of others
-Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner
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Old 22nd August 2012, 11:54 PM   #15
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that's a lot of armchair diagnosing people being narcissists. i've never understood the urge for girls to need their ex to be a narcissist just because they've dumped someone.

isn't presuming someone is a narcissist...well...a bit arrogant?
I did say that I can be quite the narcissist too. I'm not pinning all the blame on my ex. I don't think that's being arrogant, it's just me trying to understand why we didn't work out. Of course these are just speculations and the truth is I may never really know... my ex is in the marrying age but still scared of commitment. He likes the idea of it, I know he doesn't want to be alone forever, but in actuality he couldn't imagine himself sticking to one woman for a long time (at least for now). Doesn't mean he didn't love me, I mean I knew he loved me, but I guess it wasn't enough for him.

What makes me conclude that he is a narcissist is that I think the biggest reason why he pursued me is because I made him feel better about himself. It wasn't about him wanting to be the right man for me. Just having me, even for a short time made him feel good, it was like my presence benefitted him. That feeling could wear off, and like I said, to really commit to someone it shouldn't be just about what you can get from the relationship but you have to want to be the right person for him/her. It's supposed to be give and take. And like I said, I am not perfect... I know I have my faults too. Of course he never opened up to me about them, and it hurts me that he didn't. I could have corrected it for him, or for the next man in my life.

I think it's okay for lovejoy to presume that her ex is a narcissist, after all she knows him best and she's the only one who knows what went down in their relationship. It's unfair for outsiders who don't know the whole story to judge her on being arrogant.
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