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Ex messaged me on FB after 3 years of silence


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I had a year-long relationship with a boy in high school, dating others after parting ways. Then came a few failed attempts at reconnecting after graduating, with the occasional flings every couple years since he was using me as rebound while recovering from breakups with girlfriends--dropping me immediately and running back to them. Our last encounter (which was casual on my end) was in '09. He's texted me a few times in between, but our conversations never went beyond small talk.

 

After dating men for a few years and realizing they're not my jam, I began dating women exclusively, and I now identify myself as a lesbian; something he's probably unaware of. Just recently he had sent me a very lengthy Facebook message apologizing n' all that jazz. I haven't responded and I don't think I will, but I do feel a little bad leaving him hanging. I know I don't owe him anything, though I'm thinking a straightforward, "Thanks for the message, but I think we should leave it be and wish you all the best in the future" type of reply would be appropriate. I mean, he is a good person and a nice guy. I feel like part of the reason he's reaching out is because he doesn't really have friends. He's big on that World of Warcraft game, and it appears most of his "friends" are from there.

 

Below is his message. Thoughts? And why bother contacting me after three years? That's more than enough time to move on, especially since what we had wasn't that serious to begin with.

 

http://i48.tinypic.com/9gbvcz.gif

http://i48.tinypic.com/o89vzd.gif

http://i50.tinypic.com/14dhybl.gif

Edited by GoGlenCoco
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not-a-drive-by

I read most of it. To me, he is reaching out to you for another chance. He is trying to show you how he is a different man now (he had no goals or direction in life previously), he regrets losing you and he misses you. He isn't holding up his hopes for another chance but wants to let you know, he wants to give it another go. Or, he wants you back as a friend. Friends from online games move on. They lose interest in the game or grow up, and the connections are gone.

 

But from reading what you posted, it doesn't seem that you want to be back with him. If you want to be just friends with him, make it clear to him.

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Gosh that was long...

 

Are you even remotely interested GoGlenCoco? Was the relationship good? The BU?

 

If you are fully healed by now, maybe just meet up for coffee to see how you feel now?

 

Goodness, I wish I knew how to tag this in some way to say to all the other people who come on here asking "How do I know if my ex is interested? Does he/she still think about me? Want to give it another shot?" etc.

 

THIS is the blinking neon billboard you're looking for, people! THIS is what it'll look like! Not a blip text message of "I miss you". Not a drunk dial. Not a random hookup. If they REALLY want you back in their life, you get a message 3 miles long like OP here.

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I had a year-long relationship with a boy in high school, dating others after parting ways. Then came a few failed attempts at reconnecting after graduating, with the occasional flings every couple years since he was using me as rebound while recovering from breakups with girlfriends--dropping me immediately and running back to them. Our last encounter (which was casual on my end) was in '09. He's texted me a few times in between, but our conversations never went beyond small talk.

 

After dating men for a few years and realizing they're not my jam, I began dating women exclusively, and I now identify myself as a lesbian; something he's probably unaware of. Just recently he had sent me a very lengthy Facebook message apologizing n' all that jazz. I haven't responded and I don't think I will, but I do feel a little bad leaving him hanging. I know I don't owe him anything, though I'm thinking a straightforward, "Thanks for the message, but I think we should leave it be and wish you all the best in the future" type of reply would be appropriate. I mean, he is a good person and a nice guy. I feel like part of the reason he's reaching out is because he doesn't really have friends. He's big on that World of Warcraft game, and it appears most of his "friends" are from there.

 

Below is his message. Thoughts? And why bother contacting me after three years? That's more than enough time to move on, especially since what we had wasn't that serious to begin with.

 

http://i48.tinypic.com/9gbvcz.gif

http://i48.tinypic.com/o89vzd.gif

http://i50.tinypic.com/14dhybl.gif

 

Wow. I feel like that's the e-mail I'll be getting from MY ex down the line. It's nice to see how people finally do man up, grow up and can change. My ex could have written that e-mail word for word.

 

Putting myself in your shoes, I honestly don't even know what I'd do if I received such an e-mail. I would like to think that in three years time I will be happily married, or at least engaged to a wonderful man, and such e-mail would have little to no effect on me.

 

If I were to receive that e-mail now I'd probably lay awake for the next few weeks going back and forth as to whether or not I should respond.

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Wow....what a long read.

 

So speaking from being broken up with...and also doing some breaking...I think this took a lot of guts for this guy to write and send. I think he probably thought about this for quite some time, and made a lot of revisions to that note before sending. Finally he worked up the balls to hit send...and here we have it.

 

I def think he is looking for some kind of second chance with you. It seems like he has gone through quite a bit in life since you two have known each other, and now wants to show you how different he has become. He wants to show you he is different, motivated, and now has big goals. Little does he know that you have also become a much different person, and that the person he thinks back on, is no longer the same. You have gone through life experiences that have changed you, and the person he knew has become different, mature, and as he said more "self aware".

 

I think that if you had a good relationship prior, and could be friends...why not? It really does you no harm right now right? You have realized guys are not for you....so there is no threat right? Might be fun to catch up.

 

If you were not friends...and there was any kind of resentment on your part at the end....just chalk it up to...."they always come back.....sooner or later....they always come back."

 

GOOD LUCK!

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he's looking for another chance, but has let go of the outcome and will be fine regardless of what you do.

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Desensitized

I recently did the same thing your ex is doing: send the ex a long letter stating how much I've changed, etc. However, she didn't respond. His message seems well thought out so perhaps you should send him something back. If not, that's your choice. I got over my ex not agreeing to talk to me so your ex will probably get over it too. Good luck :bunny:

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Oh man, I just had to comment because that's one heck of a message for a person to send and, for you, to receive. It was very thoughtful and he invested time in writing it... You don't have to do anything that you don't want, but I hope you'll at least consider writing him a brief, thought-out response as well. It takes a certain level of courage to even write something so revealing and for him to sound as honest and vulnerable as he does in his message to you... W:eek:W

 

I really hope you'll reconsider not responding. I agree you don't owe him anything, I agree you don't have to respond but... I wish you'd reconsider anyway. You're in a position to give a closure that doesn't involve being mean or vengeful or spiteful or bitter... Kindness goes a long way.

 

Good luck, OP!

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People do change over time. You should give him another chance, just don't put all your apples in one bunch if you know what I mean.

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not-a-drive-by

Just coming back to this thread, and on second thoughts, you still have feelings for him right? Otherwise, you wouldn't have had made an account on LS just to post this for advice?

 

Give him another chance ;)

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Just because someone writes you a nice letter doesn't mean they've changed. He is being nice, but I would say just ignore it. Chances are you'll hurt his feelings rejecting him seeing as to how he's opened up to you. He'll get over it.

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TAKE HIM BACK AND MAKE IT A FAIRY TALE ENDING! hes been thinking about you for three years, this is not some spur the moment decision. he really cares and if you want him back, you have him. start slow but this could be the start of an amazing relationship.

 

that being said...if you are truly interested in girls i would tell him. he can use a friend and he will support you. i think it would be easier to hear that my ex is gay than he doesnt love me. you dont owe him anything but you should respond to be nice.

 

the more i think about this.. you have to follow your heart. you cant take him back out of guilt. yeah a fairy tale ending like this would be amazing but relationships are two ways. figure out where you stand and then reply either way. make it clear what you want. good luck

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Just coming back to this thread, and on second thoughts, you still have feelings for him right? Otherwise, you wouldn't have had made an account on LS just to post this for advice?

 

Give him another chance ;)

 

TAKE HIM BACK AND MAKE IT A FAIRY TALE ENDING! hes been thinking about you for three years, this is not some spur the moment decision. he really cares and if you want him back, you have him. start slow but this could be the start of an amazing relationship.

 

that being said...if you are truly interested in girls i would tell him. he can use a friend and he will support you. i think it would be easier to hear that my ex is gay than he doesnt love me. you dont owe him anything but you should respond to be nice.

 

the more i think about this.. you have to follow your heart. you cant take him back out of guilt. yeah a fairy tale ending like this would be amazing but relationships are two ways. figure out where you stand and then reply either way. make it clear what you want. good luck

I really, really hate to break it to you both (and any other potential followers of this thread), but you may have missed the part where I briefly mentioned how he's screwed me over twice. And not-a-drive-by, I think you might've missed the part where I mentioned that I am gay. :p I bear no physical, emotional, or sexual attraction to him at all, despite the fact that he was my first for everything. But life is full of trial and error, right?

 

When we reconciled after high school, I was hoping for a relationship around both '06 and '08. Both times he had left me cold for his ex's (ignoring me out of the blue), causing us to part ways. So he's not innocent at all. He starts contact with me every two years or so when he's feeling lonely, with VERY similar apology letters like in my original post. I'm not falling victim to that again, though I do want to say that it does seem sincere this time. I can forgive, but I'm definitely not forgetting... yet at the same time, I really don't care. If anything, I made this thread to validate my reluctance on writing him back in the first place. I'm mainly indifferent, but if there's anything I feel for him, it's pity.

 

Since he obviously invested a lot of time into writing me, I sent off a concise response saying, "Hey there. I think it's quite nice that you think of me, but I'm afraid you're romanticizing some things. In all honesty, I think it all deserves to stay in the past. You're a good person who will have things in order in no time I'm sure. Best of luck in all your future endeavors!" He wrote back and it was nice and cordial. And that was that.

 

That being said, I'm sorry I can't appease the romantic in you and give you the fairy tale ending you're wishing for, confusedx10. Like I've said, he's ruined his opportunities with me, I'm out of the closet, and this ship has long sailed. He's just part of my life that I'm relieved is far behind me.

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited by GoGlenCoco
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Well from ur last reply it seems like you already know where u stand, making me question the reason of the post at all.

 

Delete, de-friend and walk away. He is reaching out... if you reach back, however small the gesture may be.. he may just get expectations. Nothing good can come of it for either in the long run.

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I really, really hate to break it to you both (and any other potential followers of this thread), but you may have missed the part where I briefly mentioned how he's screwed me over twice. And not-a-drive-by, I think you might've missed the part where I mentioned that I am gay. :p I bear no physical, emotional, or sexual attraction to him at all, despite the fact that he was my first for everything. But life is full of trial and error, right?

 

When we reconciled after high school, I was hoping for a relationship around both '06 and '08. Both times he had left me cold for his ex's (ignoring me out of the blue), causing us to part ways. So he's not innocent at all. He starts contact with me every two years or so when he's feeling lonely, with VERY similar apology letters like in my original post. I'm not falling victim to that again, though I do want to say that it does seem sincere this time. I can forgive, but I'm definitely not forgetting... yet at the same time, I really don't care. If anything, I made this thread to validate my reluctance on writing him back in the first place. I'm mainly indifferent, but if there's anything I feel for him, it's pity.

 

Since he obviously invested a lot of time into writing me, I sent off a concise response saying, "Hey there. I think it's quite nice that you think of me, but I'm afraid you're romanticizing some things. In all honesty, I think it all deserves to stay in the past. You're a good person who will have things in order in no time I'm sure. Best of luck in all your future endeavors!" He wrote back and it was nice and cordial. And that was that.

 

That being said, I'm sorry I can't appease the romantic in you and give you the fairy tale ending you're wishing for, confusedx10. Like I've said, he's ruined his opportunities with me, I'm out of the closet, and this ship has long sailed. He's just part of my life that I'm relieved is far behind me.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Short, sweet to the point. Your past with him has a lot of pain, but I think that you not holding on with a grudge and keeping your wits about you with your approach is testament to your character. Add to it that you re-considered says a lot about you, too.

 

Honestly, your response to him is what I was hoping for and sticking by what I said, you were in the position to give a closure without meanness, bitterness, vengeance, or spite and you did exactly that. Classy, classy. :bunny: Thanks for sharing!

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