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Having a difficult day..


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Miss_Prolixity

I am struggling very hard today. Some days I feel so strong and feel like I'm finally coping, then a memory, song, place, etc. will pop into my head and I feel so drained and mentally exhausted.

 

It's been almost two months and I still don't feel 'closure'. Although he gave me plenty of reasons why our relationship had to end. But I noticed as time goes by, all the reasons he gave, were solely placed upon me. Not once during our break-up did he place any responsibility on himself. Now, I can validate a lot of his reasons why he felt the way he did, but I thought a relationship took two. I now look back and noticed how he failed to communicate to me what his problems were. So, how was I ever to have a fair chance of "changing" things that I was never made aware of?

 

I really do want to move on. But there's so many un-answered questions. Things that don't make sense at all in my mind and probably never will. It is entirely impossible to give an explanation of a years relationship, but I have some questions. Maybe someone can give me a few answers or idea's of their own.

 

1-) If you're in a relationship and something is bothering you, why not communicate your feelings to the other person?

 

2-) When breaking up, how or why does one place blame soley on the other person without taking any responsibilty?

 

3-) A week prior to the split, how does one tell you they love you? And the reason why I mention this is, the person I dated had an extremely hard time expressing verbally he loved anyone. And out of the year we were together, this was the first time he took an initative to say it.

 

Those are just some of the many questions I ponder daily. I know it's not a good way to move on, but I also feel extremely guilty and responsible for our ending. It's been a huge burden to think I am the sole cause for the split between us.

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It's been a huge burden to think I am the sole cause for the split between us

 

You cannot possibly be the sole cause for the simple reason that he did not communicate issues. This is critical in any relationship; in essence, he was not fulfilling his role. He checked out and chose not to be part of your relationship fully. Because of that, this is far more his fault than yours and never forget it.

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There are different kinds of "work" in relationships. If he had told you about things that bothered him, and you felt they were justified, then you would have worked to fix them. But, it's also work to take the time and effort to think about a problem in a relationship, analyze it, and communicate it to the other person. If he really had these problems with you and didn't tell you then he didn't care about putting any effort into the relationship. It's easy to just sit by and let things go and then walk out. It's a lot of work, as I'm finding out living with somone, to work through problems and resolve them.

 

Also putting all the blame on you alleviates him of guilt. If it was all your fault then he can justify having hurt you. It's bull and don't believe it.

 

As for saying he loved you, he may have been clinging tighter to you BECAUSE he was thinking of ending it. I've been in situations where I wanted to end a relationship and when the other person beat me to it, I argued and tried to save it! It's a fear of changing and losing something familiar even if you know it's not making you happy.

 

Try to stop torturing yourself with these questions. If he didn't want to put the effort into making the relationship work, then it would never have worked.

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I agree with everything that's been said. You need to tell yourself that it wasn't your fault, that it would have been no good to end up with someone who couldn't communicate for the rest of your life and that this is the closure you seek. Closure doesn't require another (false) explanation from him. It's about you feeling that you know why it ended and accepting this.

 

Stop analysing it and start working on getting over it.

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Miss_Prolixity

Thank you all for the replies. I appreciate them greatly.

 

Sometimes it's better to get another persons perspective about certain situations (relationships) than our own. Especially since we can cloud our own judgement and that's exactly what I did.

 

Everything you all said is true. I think deep down inside I knew, but I wanted it confirmed because I was tearing myself apart.

 

It's so funny how one day I am moving on and forward, then the next I am back at square one. That's why I love coming to this board. It brings me back to reality. I also know what I am experiencing is being felt by many, so it's easy to relate and share our stories.

 

One thing has happened to me though, that I've never experienced in another relationship. I felt like I lost who I was as a person. Although I love him so much, I felt like I lost a great dealt of my personality and character throughout the relationship. I use to be very care-free person and loved to laugh and joke, but I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. Has anyone ever experienced this?

 

Anyways, thanks again for the replies. I really appreciate all the feedback and insight.

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"I used to be very care-free person and loved to laugh and joke, but I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore"

 

It's early days yet. Give it time. If you carry on not being able to laugh and joke and you feel you're really struggling, it might be worth going to see your doctor to make sure you haven't got depression.

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Miss_P,

 

I hope you don't mind if I tell a personal experience to try to help. I was in a relationship for a couple of years that took everything out of me. I put so much work into it and it seemed like he was working against me the whole time, plus, he was mean, miserable, wishy washy, controlling, and disrespectful, to name a few. It was like beating my head against a wall for over two years. By the end of it, I had anxiety problems and I was emotionally exhausted. Because I had always been trying to do everything to make him happy (none of which succeeded) I put myself aside. After it was finally over, what I did was I spent time with friends and family, and I spent lots of time alone just doing whatever I felt like doing and enjoying the peacefulness of not having to worry every minute if someone else was mad, miserable, sad, happy, bored, etc. I read a lot, I watched TV, I went to flea markets and yard sales, and did other things I liked. Notice that thinking about him was not in that list. I put him out of my mind and focused on what made ME happy. Slowly I got back to normal. It took awhile, but it happened.

 

I hope you can get something from what I wrote. Stop thinking of him and start doing things you enjoy - make yourself happy. If I was able to get through that disaster I'm sure you will be able to find yourself again.

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Miss_Prolixity

Hi Gaia,

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

I started to change during the course of our relationship, not after. I always felt like I was walking on egg shells and couldn't clearly demonstate my true self. During the later phase (5 months into it) of our relationship, I started to feel like I lost myself, ie: my values, morals, character, etc.-- and I didn't know why. Reflecting back now, I kindof have an idea.

 

Right now I am in couceling. Not just solely for this relationship, though. I've seen a pattern throughout my relationships and I am learning what healthy vs. non-healthy is.

 

 

Hello Freeme,

 

Thank you for your story and your encouragment. It's easy to relate to someone when you've experienced it first hand.

 

You've definitely hit the nail on the head when you stated to get out and enjoy things. I've been trying to keep myself occupied with hobbies that I like. Although I will admit, my ex still ponders through my mind every now and then. Some days are easier, but others are detrimental.

 

One thing for sure is, this has been a growing/learning tool. I guess life would be pretty bland if we didn't go through hardships to bring us character and strength.

 

Anyways, thanks again for the posts. You all encouraged me through this trying time.

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Yes - I think you lost yourself through years of trying to be someone else - someone who pleased him.

 

You're being very positive about this. I'm sure you're going to be fine.

 

Good luck :)

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