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Feeling wishy-washy - I need support


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 27th July 2012, 9:49 PM   #1
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Unhappy Feeling wishy-washy - I need support

Hey guys

I've been lurking around this forum for a few days now; finally decided I needed help myself. My case isn't much different to any one elses' here, but I guess I need reinforcement and support right now.

Background

My ex of 2.5 years broke up with me 6 weeks ago. He was my first love, and I put myself entirely into this relationship. I love this guy to bits. I've read the "Grass is greener syndrome", and feel that is why he broke up with me. We had a wonderful 2.5 years (some big fights here and there), but we stuck through it. The break up seemed to happen out of nowhere, and days before he was so "in love with me", talking about growing old with me etc. After the night of BU, I went back crying and begging for another chance, but of course nothing. He said he could not be my bf but can only be my friend...so I grabbed onto that idea - being so afraid to lose him.

I really don't understand why he just won't give us another chance. His previous ex cheated on him, treated him like ****, broke his heart - but he gave her another chance, but he just won't give a damn chance for us...

Mixed Messages

Over these past 6 weeks, we've tried to meet a few times (only once it ended pretty badly). I've asked to meet up but it's either a "no" or "after this x number of weeks" or "I have plans" etc, but it never happens. Every time I try to do NC, after a day or two, I'd get a random text which tears me apart again.

I'm getting really mixed messages. He has sent me messages telling me to stay strong (that I am still on his mind - after reading my blog), to take care, take photos at the snow and show him (wtf? he doesn't even want to meet me...), called me on a random night at 10pm to chat (he was working out at home), and yesterday, sent me another random text saying he just did a 23 hour shift and has a long weekend off to tease me (I replied, but nothing after that). The most recent call I made to him, I told him I missed him. He just gave me silence over the phone, and when I asked if there really isn't a chance between us - he didn't say "no", but said he wanted to concentrate on healing his foot (injured it while snowboarding). I also mentioned our likelihood to meet again, he said that we'd meet at gym but he knows we go at different times.

Help!

I want him back, but I know this isn't healthy. For all I know, he is really over me and have moved on already, and I am hanging onto nothing. He is the first person I have connected so well with, maybe that is why I love him to bits. So many thoughts are going through my head at the moment.

How do I let him know that his random text messages kills me a little bit more each time, and it's probably not the best time to contact each other now? In my mind, I want to tell him not to contact me until he wants to work things out with me and give our relationship another try. Or we just can't be friends anymore (surely he has thought about losing me forever if he decided to break with me?). But I feel like a coward - that if I take this step of NC and that condition, I will lose him forever.

How do I do this without losing him? I still want him back, as sad as it sounds . I am falling into pieces over him.

Last edited by not-a-drive-by; 27th July 2012 at 9:52 PM..
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Old 27th July 2012, 10:27 PM   #2
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I am sorry to hear of your misfortune. Every BU is a little different and we all handle and cope differently. I know if your first instinct is anything like mine, you will feel whole again if you reconcile. There are many questions you can ask yourself that might give you some clarity. Be honest with yourself with the answers. Afterall, right now it is your feelings you need to care about. Its best to answer these questions when you are not emotional.

I usually ask myself how is my ex so unique? What power does my ex have to control my feelings like this and why am i so willing to give it over. Even though I miss and dearly love my ex, will i ever be able to trust them with my heart and feelings again? Are the problems that caused the breakup fixable that you can do together? Although, I am sure are an amazing person, your ex lost sight of that and let you go. Is that the type of person you want to let back in your life?

In my own situation, i miss my ex but no matter how much love i gave her, showed her how much i cared, it would never be enough. My ex is one who carries emotionsl baggage that clings onto it like a security blanket. I realized after much conteplatation, it stems from her childhood and the relationship with her father. She never got love and praise from her father and he passed away. I realized thier is no way I could ever duplicate that type love and she will never beable to truly love until she forgives him and herself. She must break the cycle and have the courage to want to break that cycle. I guess my point, besides venting a little is this. No matter how much you care for someone, you cant fix them and have them see through your eyes just like you cant see through theirs.
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Old 27th July 2012, 11:35 PM   #3
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Should I dismiss all these mixed messages and take it as he has moved on? It kills me not knowing what is going through his mind at the moment. We fought through the hardest battle to get together in the beginning...so, it just sucks that he didn't really fight for our relationship in the end.

I am comtemplating on sending him a text saying that his mixed messages are making it difficult for me (as I am reading into them too much) and want to have NC for a while. But I am so scared of the ramifications. A part of me wants to let go, and the other part wants to hold on to any slither of hope.

I may be venting too, but it's killing me. I don't know what to do. It hurts so much thinking that he is well and truly over me. Over what we shared so deeply. Or maybe I am blinded. I can't see whether he in fact did love me at all. I keep questioning everything .
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Old 28th July 2012, 12:02 AM   #4
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Im sure he did care and love you. You were together for 2.5 years and fought through hard times. Both of ypu had to care enough about each other and the relationship to stay together. As far as his mixed messages, it is not your job to try and figure them or him out. Ot is his job to express his feelings and intent towards you and the relssiondhip. If he is giving you mixed messages, he probably doesnt know what he wants or as painful as it sounds, thinks there os smething better out there for him. Think about it, if you let someone who is confused lead the way, where will be the destination?

Right now, it is time to be selfish and care about your own feelings and not what he wants. Try and take yourself out of the senario for a second. If a friend of yours just BU because their ex didnt know if they wanted to continue the realationship, what would you tell them? What is best for you emotionally? My advice would be to take yourself out of the equation. Continue living your life without him. I am sure you were happy b4 you met him. Hope can be a wonderful thing but after a BU, it can be your worst enemy. Geez, i wish it was easier for me to follow my own advice. Lol
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Old 28th July 2012, 9:15 PM   #5
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Ugh, when I get that text or call, it makes me happy for that moment- just to get that attention from him, but then it always goes downhill from there. I don't understand why a dumper will call or text, because after that, they disappear for a while. A few times, it has ended with "I'll speak/see with you next time", but it doesn't happen . Why do they give us hope when there is none?

I drunk texted him last night. He called back in concern, but that was all. Don't know what I tried to achieve there. I wanted to tell him that I missed him, but I didn't. I realised I wasn't exactly ready for NC. I'm still craving for his existence in my life. But one step forward - I am slowly realising (maybe for the moment), that there is no use in telling him that I miss him or still love him, because that won't bring him back .
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Old 28th July 2012, 9:26 PM   #6
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question. Do you think that his continued presence in your life is helping or hurting your efforts to move on? Do you think that you always being there just "in case" he might change his mind (not saying he will) is attractive to him and that he respects you for it?

You are miserable, he is happier and more confident every day. You are hurting, he doesnt know how much it hurts you when he texts you. You are holding his hand as another person said, while he transitions to a life without you.
You have to do something you dont want to do for your own happinesses sake. Let him go. For now. Maybe in a few months you can be freinds. Not now. Neither of you are in that place yet, so fresh from the breakup.
Delete his number.

Delete him from all your contacts. Stop waiting for him to come back. At first this will be very hard, but it gets easier when you realize that each time you try to talk to him, you get the same response of rejection.

Get out of the house. Socialize with different people. Do things that youv'e always wanted to do but oculdnt because you were too busy being " in a relationship." You will start to grow as a person. before you met him, you got on just fine. You will feel that way again.

Once you drop off the radar, you will get over him. You just have to make a hard but necissary choice first.
Or, you could keep crying, toiling, and pushing for the love of someone who will naturally ( human pyschology.) be driven away by your efforts.

When you go away for a couple of months, if you still feel the same way, then you can take it from there and get back in contact. I deleted my exes number from my phone and hid it away from myself so that I couldnt text him when upset/drunk/angry.
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Old 30th July 2012, 4:16 AM   #7
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He probably has lost all respect for me after breaking down like this. And no, his presence doesn't help me move on. It ****s me that he is so happy without me. I am most likely out of his system already. Which makes me hurt and angry.

I just don't have the nerve to delete his contact. I almost broke down crying at work again, because I miss him so much. I put my phone on silent and realised that I won't ever be getting messages or calls from him anymore (he used to do that, even days before our breakup). I almost fell apart.

I constantly have mixed feelings. At times, I feel like I am ready to let it all go, but at other times, I feel like a coward. Reading a book freaking reminds me of him - I hate how I am still attracted to him, his charisma.

I want to change, yet I don't know how to. It's my personality which is the problem. I am not sociable. I am really quiet and shy around people. But around him, I feel great, comfortable and am able to be myself. I have started taking yoga and pilates classes since the break up, but it's still not enough. I hate being me. I got along fine before I met him, but these 2.5 years with him, has been the best I've ever experienced. But it has been robbed from me.

I am starting NC again today, from scratch. Day 1 . I hate the fact that we will probably never be friends again. That we will be strangers once again.
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Old 3rd August 2012, 8:49 PM   #8
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A few more days and it will be two months since we broke up. I am into Day 6 of NC and it has been bugging me all morning. I really don't know how people can do a month or months of NC. I really look up to you guys.

During these last 6 days, he hasn't sent me a single text or call. I know it would be a set back for me, but for some reason, I want to know that I am still on his mind. I've been reading a lot of posts about ex's contacting them. I just wished mine did. I felt really lonely and bored and wanted to reach out to him. It's even worse, because I am going on a trip tomorrow (one where he was supposed to come along as well, but can't because he injured his foot). I can't keep him out of my mind and it is killing me. I want to call him and hear his voice.

I hate these temptations.
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Old 3rd August 2012, 9:30 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by not-a-drive-by View Post
Hey guys

I've been lurking around this forum for a few days now; finally decided I needed help myself. My case isn't much different to any one elses' here, but I guess I need reinforcement and support right now.

Background

My ex of 2.5 years broke up with me 6 weeks ago. He was my first love, and I put myself entirely into this relationship. I love this guy to bits. I've read the "Grass is greener syndrome", and feel that is why he broke up with me. We had a wonderful 2.5 years (some big fights here and there), but we stuck through it. The break up seemed to happen out of nowhere, and days before he was so "in love with me", talking about growing old with me etc. After the night of BU, I went back crying and begging for another chance, but of course nothing. He said he could not be my bf but can only be my friend...so I grabbed onto that idea - being so afraid to lose him.

I really don't understand why he just won't give us another chance. His previous ex cheated on him, treated him like ****, broke his heart - but he gave her another chance, but he just won't give a damn chance for us...

Mixed Messages

Over these past 6 weeks, we've tried to meet a few times (only once it ended pretty badly). I've asked to meet up but it's either a "no" or "after this x number of weeks" or "I have plans" etc, but it never happens. Every time I try to do NC, after a day or two, I'd get a random text which tears me apart again.

I'm getting really mixed messages. He has sent me messages telling me to stay strong (that I am still on his mind - after reading my blog), to take care, take photos at the snow and show him (wtf? he doesn't even want to meet me...), called me on a random night at 10pm to chat (he was working out at home), and yesterday, sent me another random text saying he just did a 23 hour shift and has a long weekend off to tease me (I replied, but nothing after that). The most recent call I made to him, I told him I missed him. He just gave me silence over the phone, and when I asked if there really isn't a chance between us - he didn't say "no", but said he wanted to concentrate on healing his foot (injured it while snowboarding). I also mentioned our likelihood to meet again, he said that we'd meet at gym but he knows we go at different times.

Help!

I want him back, but I know this isn't healthy. For all I know, he is really over me and have moved on already, and I am hanging onto nothing. He is the first person I have connected so well with, maybe that is why I love him to bits. So many thoughts are going through my head at the moment.

How do I let him know that his random text messages kills me a little bit more each time, and it's probably not the best time to contact each other now? In my mind, I want to tell him not to contact me until he wants to work things out with me and give our relationship another try. Or we just can't be friends anymore (surely he has thought about losing me forever if he decided to break with me?). But I feel like a coward - that if I take this step of NC and that condition, I will lose him forever.

How do I do this without losing him? I still want him back, as sad as it sounds . I am falling into pieces over him.
He's dragging you on because he wants to relieve his guilt, simple as that. Sometimes he'll call because he's bored, not because he has second thoughts.

I mean, he was clear, he doesn't want to try again.

You should read the NC contact posts that were made, one of the things that is said is that the dumpee accepts to be "just friends" in the hope that the dumper will change his mind. If you stick around, he's bound to realize he's made a mistake, right? Wrong.. you'll push him away even more.

Honestly your only chance at this point is to take a break from him, go your own separate ways and see what happens. Although I wouldn't hope for a reconciliation, I would hope that you'll get over the break up.

If he wants to get back with you one day, he will clearly state so, just like he clearly told you it was over.
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Old 4th August 2012, 5:21 AM   #10
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Sigh. Reading through many LS posts today, I feel a lot of regret. There are many issues that I want to work through and make it work. I want to contact him so badly and ask if we can talk about the relationship and address the issues. But I am afraid that it is still too early into the BU.

Oh god. It's so difficult and it's making me stress. I should be really happy and excited about going away tomorrow, but I'm not.
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Old 10th August 2012, 6:24 AM   #11
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12 days into NC, and I broke it today. Memories just flooded my mind these past few days, and seeing my best friend and her bf together during our trip together did not help one bit. I cried at night and in the morning, and at the airport too. I just miss him so dam much.

I had no reception overseas, but my ex texted me on whatsapp to ask how was my trip. That was four days ago and I only received it tonight when I got back. We chatted for a bit, although it seems like I am the one making an effort in the convo. I couldn't resist, but told him that it was nice chatting to him again and I missed him, even though I know he doesn't feel the same. No reply from him, which was expected.

I hate this so much. I miss him so dam much. I just can't help but keep crying these past few days.
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Old 10th August 2012, 6:45 AM   #12
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I am sorry about what you are going through, but you need to let him go. Honestly, it sounds like he's playing with your emotions...PERIOD. He's being manipulative. You're not going to find someone you deserve by hanging on to someone like this guy... turn the tables on your outlook and relationship future by moving...REALLY. Do what you would be doing that is healthy, fun, reaffirming...by doing this, you make yourself better for you and the next person that really deserves you. Let you ex squirm and feel the blunt of the loss, if he has feelings for you at all...

Don't let someone else control your emotions...I know, easier said then done, but the alternative is already reality and you are not in a good place...

Good luck!

[A guy here...]
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Old 10th August 2012, 6:48 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by not-a-drive-by View Post
12 days into NC, and I broke it today. Memories just flooded my mind these past few days, and seeing my best friend and her bf together during our trip together did not help one bit. I cried at night and in the morning, and at the airport too. I just miss him so dam much.

I had no reception overseas, but my ex texted me on whatsapp to ask how was my trip. That was four days ago and I only received it tonight when I got back. We chatted for a bit, although it seems like I am the one making an effort in the convo. I couldn't resist, but told him that it was nice chatting to him again and I missed him, even though I know he doesn't feel the same. No reply from him, which was expected.

I hate this so much. I miss him so dam much. I just can't help but keep crying these past few days.
Noooooooo!!!! What did you do! What are you doing to yourself girl. Be strong. I'm also doing NC. You have to be strong not for anyone but YOURSELF. I miss my girl as much too. But you have to accept the fact and be strong. I can't emphasize how much NC is going to help you. My ex ex gf of 4 years and I broke up 2 years ago. I didn't get over her for almost 1 year because I kept talking to her. After going NC for a period, I finally got over her. So do yourself a favour and stay strong DONT break NC
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Old 10th August 2012, 7:09 AM   #14
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...again, as others have said, NC does two things for you:

1. helps you to forget and move on, and...
2. it breaks you from the other's emotional control and possibly, possibly, makes the other feel the brunt of the mistake of breaking up

I'm doing both by dating someone else and recently getting an email from my ex who seems to be a little more interested in my well-being than I would have thought... as Sav has said, be strong and NC is a must...
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Old 10th August 2012, 6:33 PM   #15
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Oh guys, it's so difficult to move on, even with no contact. Throughout the trip, not one moment was I not reminded of him, our past and what would it be like if he was there. The fact that there was a couple with us (my best friend and her bf) did not help at all. Just memories and memories over and over again. There were 4 other single guys with us and I was trying to imagine me with someone else (like one of them - not that I am interested, though they are all genuinely nice), but it's just not happening. It's always my ex in my mind and how much I love him which makes noone else comparable.

During the trip, while observing how my best friend's relationship, I've learnt how to make my relationship better. But I want to put it into practice. I want to show my ex that I have changed and things can work out.

Because of jet lag, I woke up at 6am today. I've been crying again and contemplating whether I should send one last text. I want to say to him to give us another chance and take things slowly and he doesn't need to reply right away. I've also thought about deleting whatsapp right after and disappearing for a while (doing NC again).

I hate this feeling so so much. It's killing me. I thought I was doing well before the trip (and I was in control with NC), but I think the trip has made it so much worse. It's made me want him back even more. I want to give it another go...
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