I may have rushed, need ..

[rossman]

Hi all,

 

First time poster here. Unsuprisingly, I have been hunting down any possible way of making myself feel even a modicumb better than I do right now. I need some comfort in like-minded people with similar experiences to mine and therefore I come here, pleading for advice.

 

The story goes...

 

I have been in three long term and serious relationships but have been single for two years now. There have been flings and during this period but they have never really amounted to anything more than that. Purely because I didnt feel enough. It had been getting me down and I was ready to just take a break from the dating until...

 

I met a girl online, this was two months ago. The first date went really well, she was funny, intelligent, jaw droppingly beautiful and clearly in to me as well. We met again later that week and I cooked her dinner, I ended up staying the night before seeing her a couple of days later. The conversation never dried up. I genuinely felt EXCITED and CONTENT. Two feelings that felt alien. It was great. She then went on holiday for a week and text me throughout before we met when she got back for dinner. I literally couldnt have felt better.

 

She reciprocated this feeling, she said as much to me and that 'feeling' you get was consuming me. We were doing boyfriend and girlfriend 'stuff.

 

Fast forward to about a week ago, we speak every night on the phone, meet up, stay at hers once or twice a week and basically sit on a genuine roller coaster of excitement. This Saturday just passed, I introduced her to my best friend and his girlfriend, we see The Dark Knight Rises (awesome), she fets on great with my friends. We go home and I bring up the 'relationship talk'. We talk and we agree that we are now in a relationship. She falls asleep on my chest and I grin.

 

This Monday, I hear nothing from her. At first I am not concerned, she is busy with work. It gets to 11:30pm and I text her, she replies that she was watching a film next door with her friend but she needs to talk to me and asks if she can call me the following night.

 

I anticipate the worst and ask that she calls me now, she does. Essentially she says she is freaked out about the relationship thing and needs to confirm whether what she feels for me is enough to commit long term becuase she doesnt know right now. I am gutted but ask what the next step is. We agree that she wants a few days to think and that when she is ready and able she will contact me.

 

I AM GUTTED. Completely dumbfounded and blind-sided. Everything was great, I mean really good. I am 27, have experienced the **** and the good of relationships. Whilst this has been only two months, I KNOW there is milage in what we have.

 

My problems are this...do I just leave her alone? I am fighting the urge to text and call constantly, its eating me up.

 

Why am I so devestated? I cried last night about this, I never cry, surely this means something.

 

Is it best to just leave it. I have promised myself that I cannot contact her until Friday at the learliest (last contact was Monday). Should I just wait until she contacts me, and if she doesnt I know the answer I guess.

 

Sorry for all this,it's long and boring but I am in a big hole, very upset and begging for any kind of relief.

 

Thanks,

 

Ross

[Ruby65]

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

 

But YES -- leave her alone right now!

 

Don't contact her -- give her ALL the time she needs.

 

There's never been a situation that was made worse by giving it space. Let her miss you a little. She'll really appreciate the chance to step back.

 

I wouldn't give up hope here. I'm in a new relationship and CRAZY about my new bf.... but sometimes I need to withdraw for a day or so and just miss him a little and get excited to talk to him again.

 

This is an opportunity to show her that you respect what she asks for (space) and have the (sexy attractive) quality of confidence -- that you WON'T crumble like a wilted flower if she pulls back a bit.

 

Relax. And DON'T contact her first.

[penguin23]

I agree with Ruby. Give her a couple of days. I honestly don't think this has as much to do with you as it does with her. She's clearly really into you...but it can be scary to fall head first into a new relationship. It's possible that she's been burned in the past by getting into serious relationships too quickly.

 

I would give her time. And when you do talk to her try not to be all or nothing about it. She might just need to take things more slowly. Good luck!

[rossman]

Thankyou for these responses.

 

I am trying to just keep myself busy and stay in the company of friends and family etc, just to fight off the urges to contact her.

 

The negativity continues to creep in however, that she actually just doesnt really dig me as much as I thought. But, even though it has been brief, we have shared a fair few experiences together now. I cant see how someone could drop that so quickly and not feel some sort of upset that it had now gone.

 

I will take that advice to keep giving her that space. I would hope that she will contact me by Friday. In which case, if she doesnt, should I just leave it? If it does go that way, I will feel entitled to get some sort of explanation.

 

My fingers and toes are crossed because I am crazy about this girl. I just wish my romantic side sometimes could be reigned in.

[EgoJoe]

Two months, needs space...

 

She is entertaining another offer. Remove the possibility of you from the equation.

[salmagundi]

Egojoe nailed it man. two months is still dating and she considers her options still open...

 

sorry...

[steveblack]

honestly, just give her time. You are happy with her, she might be a little scared of the big relationship. That is common. Just be CONFIDENT and you got this. Just dont beg or anything like that.

[rossman]

Ego joe, Salma - That thought hasn't really crossed my mind purely because we have spent a great deal of time together during the two month period. We would talk every night and there was a mutual (or at least I believe it was) feeling that this was heading somewhere.

 

There is no way of knowing whether she has someone else but my gut tells me she doesn't.

 

Steveblack - I still havent contacted her since Monday when we last spoke, where I told her I would leave her to it and that she wanted a few days to think. Cant believe how hard it is not to speak to her. I keep inwardly telling myself "She has to contact me by Friday, surely". **** knows how I will react if she doesn't.

[rossman]

Well, I suppose I'd better some finality to this.

 

We spoke on Friday. She confirmed what I did not want to hear. After thinking long and hard about us, she decided that she would not be confused if there wasn't something missing. What that something was, she could not put her finger on.

 

This will perplex me for a long time. When things have gone south before, there has been signs or indicators, clues and stuff. Nothing this time. From somethign that was certainly blossoming into a very exciting new relationship, like a plaster being torn off, I am now left open and wounded.

 

The thought of never seeing her again is too much to handle right now. She said that the ball will be in my court to contact her again, I dont think I ever will. Knowing what I know now. I do miss her though.

 

Thanks for all the advice.

[crazylove]

It shouldn't be in your court to contact her, when she's the one that's called it off!!

How did u leave it? That you'd see each other but not as gf/bf yet? Or not at all?

Sounds like she may have got scared at the idea of commitment.

Sorry you're hurting:(

[Ruby65]

Oh, I'm so sorry! I was really hoping you two would work things out.

 

It probably seems trite to say, but if something's meant to be, it will be.

 

It sounds like a maturity problem on her end. Some people lose attraction for someone once they've made their feelings known. I'm sure you weren't misinterpreting the intensity of the feelings she had for you earlier on.... it sounds like she just got turned off once she realized she had you in the bag and changed her mind.

 

At least you can take comfort in knowing you maintained your dignity throughout and didn't get unhinged when she started to pull away. That's going to leave a lasting impression.

 

Her loss!

[rossman]

It shouldn't be in your court to contact her, when she's the one that's called it off!!

How did u leave it? That you'd see each other but not as gf/bf yet? Or not at all?

Sounds like she may have got scared at the idea of commitment.

Sorry you're hurting:(

 

I gave it four days of nc, I was in limbo and feeling terrible. I started to figure that if she was at all wanting to reconcile she would have contacted me, so I buckled and asked. I texted her and we then had a conversation on the phone.

 

Essentially, she said that bringing up the bf/gf talk made her really think long term, at which point she questioned whether there was enough there to really commit to. It would appear that 'something' was missing.

 

I guess there is no way of creating that 'missing' thing. What confuses me the most is that if something was missing, you would have noticed that from the outset, or at least after the first few dates. I dont know if I have been led on here but she maintained that ONLY when I sked about relationship stuff did she cause herself to question her feelings.

 

It's a little bizarre and as I say, I dont truly think I will ever get my head around where this went wrong and that is difficult to swallow.

 

I really want to talk to her, see her and be around her and the temptation to speak to her is immense.

 

Gutted.

[rossman]

Oh, I'm so sorry! I was really hoping you two would work things out.

 

It probably seems trite to say, but if something's meant to be, it will be.

 

It sounds like a maturity problem on her end. Some people lose attraction for someone once they've made their feelings known. I'm sure you weren't misinterpreting the intensity of the feelings she had for you earlier on.... it sounds like she just got turned off once she realized she had you in the bag and changed her mind.

 

At least you can take comfort in knowing you maintained your dignity throughout and didn't get unhinged when she started to pull away. That's going to leave a lasting impression.

 

Her loss!

 

It's cold comfort really. It's unbearable to consider that we will never speak again. I just cant imagine that right now.

 

I agree on the maturity thing here. She also revealed during our last conversation that in her previous relationship two years ago, she did not consider her and her ex to be boyfriend and girlfriend until after a year of dating.

 

I never had a hope

[Ruby65]

She also revealed during our last conversation that in her previous relationship two years ago, she did not consider her and her ex to be boyfriend and girlfriend until after a year of dating.

 

A year?? That's pretty unusual. That might not be true -- unless they were very on-and-off or so casual that they were just FWB.

 

She might've just been saying that to make you feel better, so you don't take it personally.

 

It's also a subtle way of putting the blame on YOU, as if your expectations for going exclusive were unusual or too demanding. Which they weren't. Generally when things are going well people have the Talk and agree to go exclusive after a few months at most, no?

[Ruby65]

What confuses me the most is that if something was missing, you would have noticed that from the outset, or at least after the first few dates. I dont know if I have been led on here but she maintained that ONLY when I sked about relationship stuff did she cause herself to question her feelings.

 

Once she knew she had you, she didn't want you anymore.

 

That's just immaturity.

 

She doesn't want to admit it, though... so she's pretending YOU had the problem by bringing up exclusivity after two months (which is TOTALLY normal.)

[rossman]

A year?? That's pretty unusual. That might not be true -- unless they were very on-and-off or so casual that they were just FWB.

 

She might've just been saying that to make you feel better, so you don't take it personally.

 

It's also a subtle way of putting the blame on YOU, as if your expectations for going exclusive were unusual or too demanding. Which they weren't. Generally when things are going well people have the Talk and agree to go exclusive after a few months at most, no?

 

I know what you mean and in these circumstances if you lose that want or need, the attraction fades fairly swiftly after. I really should be able to deal with this better because I have felt it from the other point of view.

 

As for the exclusivity thing, I keep telling myself I rushed or I didnt even need to say as it we were acting like a couple. And you are right, I do now feel partially as though the reason for it all going to balls was due to me initiating that talk. But, there is still that feeling that if things are as good as they seem to be, there is no harm in having that talk.

 

Ruby, your comments are helping me, thank you so much for that. There's so many obstacles in my way now that I need to attack, it all seems a little too much right now. Forgetting her, ignoring her, not contacting her, not comparing her to every other girl I meet, dating again frightens me and the prospect seems so unappealing.

 

It's the quiet moments that get you, when you have exhausted all friends and distractions. Those moments creep up on you. I dont actually think there is a known cure for those moments of weakness.