(Long Story) LTR ended, BF cheated and now wishing they won't last...

[Dionna]

I'm sorry that that my story is so long....

 

I was in a LTR for 10 years.. we had some hard times together and things had finally started to improve and suddenly I discovered he's cheating on me with a girl 11 yrs younger.

 

Initially he proposed to have a 3 way rs which just isn't right and he said that girl accepted it (on the hindsight she had to accept it so that she could compete with me) We were both religious people so it came as a complete blow to me that he did this. He promised to end it and he did try to end it but the other girl just refused to let him off and kept blaming him for cheating her feelings, lying to her, breaking his promise of not giving her up etc .. when he wanted to give her up, she said to him "why am I the one being given up?" I gave him time to solve it and he told me the girl is depressed and he feels bad that because of him she is going through this etc etc...

 

Slowly she started to scheme against me and begin playing mind games to get him. Once she knew that he has the intention to break it up with him, she started "brainwashing" him that he's simple-minded and that I'm manipulating him, planted doubts in him that maybe I even cheated on him before too. She used a lot of guilt tactics on him - making him feel that she ruined him and all, kept saying that he was her first love and he hurt her so much (she doesn't seem to be as inexperienced as she made herself out to be imho) , threw herself on him by trying to hold his hands and kiss him which he rejects. (I found out all these from text messages rather than just hearing what he tells me) Played on his jealousy by saying that there are other guys going after her, she got molested by an old man, some guys tried to make small talk with her etc... which to me don't seem to be true as she isn't really much of a looker...

 

We were already planning marriage at this stage and she told him that I'm forcing him to marry me (he was the one who brought up marriage anyway), saying things like I couldn't let him go because I "invested" too much time in him and not because I loved him, that she is the one he loved and not me etc etc..

 

I on the other hand gave him a lot of pressure to end it and many times he told me he had ended it but when I look at the messages, the girl seemed to accept it but yet suddenly will bring up all the hurt and pain all over again. Until I saw a text message asking him to "pay" her and I tried to find out from him and realized that he and that girl had a deal - he will give her $15,000 for her studies and she will leave. I was shocked and upset! Why should he give her so much money when he doesn't owe her anything? (At this point they hadn't slept together yet) And he revealed to me he promised to pay for her school fees and he wants to fulfill this promise to her. I flared up and told him this girl is just out to cheat him of his money.

 

Then soon after I found out they finally slept together - this girl professed herself to be a virgin but I found messages from her to him saying that she had been thinking of having sex with him for a long time, she wants to be on top the next time, she likes playing with his thing, if he doesn't play with her, she will play with herself etc etc... (I know it may not be something shocking in the western culture, but I'm Asian and to me it's kind of shocking esp when she says she is a religious person, a virgin and it's her first rs??)

 

By this time there's no turning back anymore, by now he no longer wants to end it with her. He wants her to leave and give him up on her own but there's no way she will do that. In the end he decided to give me up because I was giving him too much stress and although he knows that I'm definitely the "better choice" for him, he's worried how life would be without me in his life, he's not sure even how things would be with her etc he still chose to be with her.

 

I spoke with her on the phone for the very first time since I found out (the whole ordeal was 6 months from the day I found out till the day I left) to find out for myself what kind of person she really is. She was calm and collected when speaking with me and told me she has her own life and she really doesn't want to be in a roller coaster ride all the time with him and wants to lead her own life and that with or without him she can lead a great life etc. But once the phone is passed over to him, she started wailing and crying and shouting at him - saying that he cheated her feelings, treated her less than a human and he asked her I thought you could do without me? She answered him:"Don't listen to what other ppl said, I didn't say that" Truth is I had the phone on speaker and he heard clearly what she said! And he said Nope you said your life is the same with or without me. And she started saying: I feel like dying! I can't live without you! But since you both are going to get married how can you expect me to tell her that? Wouldn't it be like threatening her with my death?? And when he asked her to return him the money if she wanted to be with him, she said she can't, made a lot of excuses and finally - you are the one who wanted to give it to me, why should I return it to you?

 

A lot of discrepancies I found and I thought it would prove to him what sort of person she is but she's smarter than I thought. The very next day when I wasn't with him, she came to his house and talked to him, what they talked about I have no idea but somehow she managed to convince him that she loved him truly and had never given up on him despite what he did to her and that was when I was ousted and given up.

 

I've maintained NC since the breakup when suddenly after 2 months he contacted me and said he bought a gift for me and wanted to meet me up to pass it to me. I hadn't gotten over the hurt and rejected to meet him and he dropped in on MSN now and then to chat with me, slowly fading from once a week to once biweekly and slowly faded off. Finally the suspense is killing me because I thought he regretted and had wanted to get back with me so I called him up to chat and to tie things up. But when we met up it was a disappointment. He didn't have the intention of getting back with me and he only contacted me because he wanted to be friends.

 

I asked him about he and the other girl and he said he feels that both of them are more compatible i.e they had more to talk about and she's very "interactive" etc... He said his feelings for her are just so-so and he didn't make any plans with her just living day by day etc... He said he sinned a lot through that matter and now that the dust had settled he don't want to blow it up again, so he said he doesn't want to mess up his "cultivation" once again. Even now I'm thinking if I had missed the "window of opportunity" and that when he first wants to meet me it was when he perhaps did want to patch things up....

 

On one hand I hate him so much for putting me through that intense pain and left me hanging, and even when it's over he's not "letting me off" or letting me move on. On the other hand there was this longing that I wished we could've ended up together and I know it's not possible now even if we wanted to (I don't think he wants to anyway) because of that girl in between. I still can't get over the hurt and how lies, deceit and pretense won over truth, dignity and honor. That girl won him over with her acts and lies while I lost him even though I was sincere and honest.

 

And now I just don't want them to end up happily ever after because how could they have happiness by hurting someone else? My friends had been telling me that the both of them are still having their "honeymoon period" that's why they seem happy but they will not last because that girl is too young (early 20s) and yet to experience life and once she graduates and starts to earn good money while the guy (who's jobless now and won't seem to be having a bright future) remains stagnant, she is going to realize that he's not what she wants after all. And anyway that guy is a jerk, all the more she won't want to stick with him for long... But I'm ..... kind of pessimistic about this, if they're as compatible as they've themselves out to be, won't they be able to overcome the odds and work things out? I feel that there could be a real big chance that they really could end up happily ever after even though everyone else around me is telling me they don't think they will.....

 

And my friends are telling me that he's a selfish jerk who doesn't even think he's wrong for hurting me. He's contacting me again because he just wants to make use of me as a friend with benefit - I can give him advice and support for his problems, he wants to enter into business with me; something he can't do with that girl, he and her have different religious beliefs and he has no one else to share his religious views with except with me etc etc.... He is just keeping me near at hand so that he can just get near me again if he really can't work out with that b!tch.

 

I don't know anymore about what he thinks but what I want now is to move on and live out what I missed when I was still busy building a life with him. He was my first love and he hurt me so much and I want to try to come to terms with the hurt he dealt upon me and I know it's going to be unhealthy bringing my hurts to my next rs but then again I'm not hopeful about having another rs since I'm already in my 30s....

 

I don't know why I am starting this thread here but I think I might be needing some kind of re-affirmation from other ppl telling me that they think they both will not be able to last long either...

Edited July 9, 2012 by Dionna

[Philosoraptor]

Why did you subject yourself to this? If someone has to choose between others like this you don't want to be with them anyways. But really what would she win? He seems quite dysfunctional and something to be avoided.

 

Don't let him keep you at arms length. Heal up then find someone who is willing to commit to you and only you.

[Dionna]

Why did you subject yourself to this? If someone has to choose between others like this you don't want to be with them anyways. But really what would she win? He seems quite dysfunctional and something to be avoided.

 

Don't let him keep you at arms length. Heal up then find someone who is willing to commit to you and only you.

Thank you for your reply

 

actually I don't know what it is about him that really made me love him that much. And perhaps he's my first and only love and I am very inexperienced and never experienced someone else I really have no idea what you mean by him being dysfunctional, would appreciate it if you could kindly explain.

 

what really peeves me is that he seems to treat this girl really right and it made me really really jealous why he didn't treat me the same way. I really do not know and understand why he can and will contact me even though he's the one who did me great injustice so soon after the traumatic period had barely been over and ask to keep in contact as friends.

 

i keep hearing about karma but it seems to me that they are both so happy together even though it's only about 4 months being together and I kept thinking how could she take away the happiness that was supposed to be mine? I don't know yet how to get over this loss but I've been in NC mode now anyway - I've blocked him off my MSN and phone but I couldn't block him from text message and I do not want to change my number, I do not know how I'd feel and react if he contacts me again (though I feel he wouldn't but my friends think otherwise)

[AlexanderJames]

"If you love two people. Chose the second one, because if you really loved the first you wouldnt have fallen for the second."

- Johnny Depp.

 

Regardless of what has happened, what is happening now, and what will happen next. This man isnt the man for you. This man doesnt deserve you.

 

You will move on to bigger and better things. He was simply a big, 10 year long stepping stone on the path to finding true hapiness.

[wilsonx]

johnny depp is an idiot... please dont quote that garbage again

[AlexanderJames]

He might well be an idiot.

 

But that quote make's a hell of a lot more sense than Socrates'

 

 

Lets not be counterproductive mate. Put your helpful hat on or stay out of it

[melenkurion]

I understand why you are thinking this way. My very first post on LS was "what are they chances that they will work out". I thought about that way to much at the beginning. I won't lie, even now I wouldn't particularly "wish them well". However, my happiness is my own responsibility, and within my own power. Sure, I might get a brief moment of glee if they split up (if I even got to hear about it), but it would only be very fleeting.

 

Focus on yourself, on the people that genuinely do care for you. It's wasted effort dwelling on the two people on earth that have treated you the worst of all. You will drive yourself crazy thinking stuff like "he seems to treat this girl really right and it made me really really jealous why he didn't treat me the same way". The key word is: seems. You have no idea what is really going on. Also, if he didn't treat you well that is his issue, not yours. A decent man would treat everyone well.

 

Their life is completely outside of your control, so it's not good to focus on something you have no power over. Autonomy is a powerful factor in happiness.

[Dionna]

I understand why you are thinking this way. My very first post on LS was "what are they chances that they will work out". I thought about that way to much at the beginning. I won't lie, even now I wouldn't particularly "wish them well". However, my happiness is my own responsibility, and within my own power. Sure, I might get a brief moment of glee if they split up (if I even got to hear about it), but it would only be very fleeting.

 

Focus on yourself, on the people that genuinely do care for you. It's wasted effort dwelling on the two people on earth that have treated you the worst of all. You will drive yourself crazy thinking stuff like "he seems to treat this girl really right and it made me really really jealous why he didn't treat me the same way". The key word is: seems. You have no idea what is really going on. Also, if he didn't treat you well that is his issue, not yours. A decent man would treat everyone well.

 

Their life is completely outside of your control, so it's not good to focus on something you have no power over. Autonomy is a powerful factor in happiness.

 

thank you for your sharing and thank you for understanding where i come from..

 

While I'm starting to get over this person, i have a much harder time getting over the hurt dealt on me. What really peeves me is how both claim to be deeply religious (though of different faith) but yet did things that normal, no-as-religious ppl would not do.

 

what hits me harder now is that after things had barely blown over, he's turning up and telling me that he has gotten back in track with his "religious" lifestyle and the way he seems to me - he has no regrets and guilt for it. after a decade with him, he is telling me now we don't match in terms of temperament and personalities and that i'm "too strong-willed" when it was what he liked about me in the past. and he's telling me now he's more compatible with the other girl, they have much more to talk about etc etc. All of these while I'm left behind and tossed aside with a broken faith and heart, not knowing what to believe in anymore and wondering whatever did I do wrong to deserve this at all. Hadn't I been good and faithful and turning myself away from temptations, not allowing myself to be distracted by someone else? hadn't I done my part in caring for him and nurturing him the way a dutiful woman should be to their husband?

 

We got through a lot of hard times together - from being penniless to now when we finally gotten stable jobs and income (not so much for him because this slut managed to get him hating his colleagues so much that he quit his job and won't be able to get another due to the exclusive nature of his job - so he's currently jobless and can only depend on freelancing his skills now), from having a bad relationship with his family to now being able to sit and have meals together etc I thought we've finally stabilized and are even planning marriage when suddenly I found out I've been cheated on, and to rub salt to the wound, with someone much uglier and so much younger but yet so scheming and fake. but i've realized now that I'm fortunate not to have ended up marrying this person after all.

 

yes you are right that I should be focusing on my life now but i can't deny I'm having a really hard time getting over the hurt because all i think about now is how can such people deserve happiness at all? if 2 people are meant to be together shouldn't it be natural and everything falling in place nicely rather than having to resort to lies, deception, pretense and hurting someone else to get there? I mean how does happiness come from hurt in the first place?

 

I guess i need a little bit more time because I can sense that the hurt is fading away.. at least I don't cry as much about it anymore