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Taking a "break" - in this case will it be the relationship killer??


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Hi all, I've known a girl for some years and around 8 months ago I started approaching her with the hope of starting something, after some struggle I managed to "convince" her and we started dating and we moved to a serious relationship a couple of months after, everything seemed going fine until one day she just highlighted that she is still unsure if she should be in a relationship (she's the kind of girl that has to be 100% certain to go into something, she won't go into it just as an adventure with the risk of hurting the other half). anyways sometime passed and we've been seriously together for around 3months, again last week she hinted the still not 100% convinced thing and we talked and discussed this. Her problem is that it almost always ups and downs between us, sometimes she feels great as a couple and sometimes she sees me as her best friend (only) and she doesn't know but this doesn't feel right. To be honest even to myself it feels the same and I think this comes from the fact that she's so uncertain, I can't fall in love knowing this. And she feels that it's not fair that she isn't returning back all the affection, initiative and enthusiasm I put into this relationship.

 

We don't know what to do, we both want this to work as we care a lot for each other and everything so we decided to slow down a bit the contact between us not everyday chatting during work etc, and not seeing eachother every day, and only meeting in the weekends instead, for the next month or so until we'll both be abroad on separate holidays (we had booked before we were a couple) and we'll be away from each other for 3weeks, maybe she'll feel the thing she's looking for and hopefully remove her doubts in one way or the other. This is feeling very strange, these 3 days we didn't text and the last time I saw her was in the weekend and she was too quite and not romantic at all!

 

I don't know what else can I do, I think there's just the spark missing, this never actually took off, too many bumps during the ride but I like her too much, I like to spend time with her and she's just ideal, same goes for her, the problem is that it is not always the same from her side! But it seems that everything is fading down and we are just growing apart. Please help, any ideas?!

 

Thanks,

 

Mark

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Breaks are essentially breakups, just used as padding to soften the blow.

 

If she isn't feeling any sparks it's best to let the relationship go. If you keep investing 100% while she returns less, you'll end up hurting yourself more.

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there's no rules against not being into each other.

 

maybe you're just trying to hard to force an emotion that isn't there.

 

honestly, of any stories, this may be one that truly benefits from a REAL break. not a stupid "omg we need to take a break" crap. maybe both of you as adults discuss what you want long-term and if your paths aren't jiving, maybe you should separate. if it's worth bothering, try spending some days without physically seeing each other and see if your life feels unbearable without the other.

 

if you were best friends before this, maybe you operate better that way? if this isn't done delicately and mutually, you're both going to lose the relationship and friendship.

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"let's take a break" usually is the line that replaces "I want out". It's just a meaner way to say it in my book because it leaves you with the hope that things will go back to normal. They usually don't.

 

The only idea that I could suggest is to give her what she asked for, a break. That would include a no contact rule till she sorts her stuff out and clearly state what she is willing to give you, or not.

The no contact rule applies to you, and her. You're not her doll. Consider yourself single and move on from that point.

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Sounds like you had to convince her into the relationship in the first place. I know you love her and you care about her. But, I would have to say, you need to let her go completely. You need to find a girl that you don't have to convince her into a relationship. A girl that would be happy to be by your side and would jump at the chance. A girl that wishes and dreams that one day you'll be on a bended knee and asking for her hand for the rest of her life. And dreams of starting a family with you and secretly has fantasized about names for children already.

 

This girl isn't it.

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Sounds like you had to convince her into the relationship in the first place. I know you love her and you care about her. But, I would have to say, you need to let her go completely. You need to find a girl that you don't have to convince her into a relationship. A girl that would be happy to be by your side and would jump at the chance. A girl that wishes and dreams that one day you'll be on a bended knee and asking for her hand for the rest of her life. And dreams of starting a family with you and secretly has fantasized about names for children already.

 

This girl isn't it.

 

I had to somehow convince her cause she was hesitant at first due to the fact that we knew each other before cause we were at university together and we work in the same company and I had never shown interest cause I was never close to her etc.. I know Chi TownD, I always hoped that this girl could turn into the one you described cause it has to be like that in a relationship. I just wished that that girl would be her and sometimes she was that girl but it was always up and down, I never managed to fully feel as a couple always, sometimes yes and sometimes no........I just never managed to fall in love yet with her due to this I think also. I just don't know, if it was like that, this girl would have been just the perfect one, that's the problem!

 

Anyways 1 week passed since we discussed this break thing, we just sent a couple of sms this week cause I had to travel abroad due to work so she just told me to text her when I land, but nothing more, no nice messages and barely a good reply to my text. I for sure won't text her this weekend to meet, although we agreed to meet in weekends during the coming weeks, I just want to wait if she'll feel the need to text me and ask me out herself, if she doesn't feel strange this just has to stop, I am tired now.

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Dude, if she's not sure about you or the relationship, then you don't have one. I think she would be jumping through hoops to get you into the friend zone. But anything more than that.......I don't see it.

 

I think that she would be cooling her heels with you until something she perceives as better comes along and you are going to be kicked to the curb. You deserve better than this. She's just not into you. And that's not a dig on you. So, please don't take it that way. But, I truely believe that there is a girl that is going to fall head over heels for you. But, you're never going to find her is you keep clinging on to this other girl.

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Dude, if she's not sure about you or the relationship, then you don't have one. I think she would be jumping through hoops to get you into the friend zone. But anything more than that.......I don't see it.

 

I think that she would be cooling her heels with you until something she perceives as better comes along and you are going to be kicked to the curb. You deserve better than this. She's just not into you. And that's not a dig on you. So, please don't take it that way. But, I truely believe that there is a girl that is going to fall head over heels for you. But, you're never going to find her is you keep clinging on to this other girl.

 

Update from yesterday, I was online on chat and she was there and after sometime she contacted me, the conversation was a bit odd cause both of us were thinking of how odd and bad was the last week between us, until we both started talking about it and decided to end our story, it makes no sense having a forced break between us, it was ruining our relationship even further. So better end everything here and if something has to happen it will happen out of free will and not forced or anything. We are both obviously sorry but it couldn't go on like that. we'll see

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Update from yesterday, I was online on chat and she was there and after sometime she contacted me, the conversation was a bit odd cause both of us were thinking of how odd and bad was the last week between us, until we both started talking about it and decided to end our story, it makes no sense having a forced break between us, it was ruining our relationship even further. So better end everything here and if something has to happen it will happen out of free will and not forced or anything. We are both obviously sorry but it couldn't go on like that. we'll see

 

I think you guys finally took the needed last step of the "break". Stick with No Contact and start getting your life together. The way I see it, though, she doesn't seem very mature, since she couldn't make her mind up for several times, but was stringing you along. That's keeping you on hold, while she chooses to do whatever she wants to.

 

I've had a girl like that too lol and now, when I look at her, the only thing that goes through my mind is "What in the world was I thinking of?! " You're better off without her, mate, trust me ;)

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I think you guys finally took the needed last step of the "break". Stick with No Contact and start getting your life together. The way I see it, though, she doesn't seem very mature, since she couldn't make her mind up for several times, but was stringing you along. That's keeping you on hold, while she chooses to do whatever she wants to.

 

I've had a girl like that too lol and now, when I look at her, the only thing that goes through my mind is "What in the world was I thinking of?! " You're better off without her, mate, trust me ;)

 

I'm not feeling that bad don't worry cause although we've been together for around 4-5months it didn't always feel that I was in a proper relationship so I didn't manage to love her till now. I miss her for sure, as she does for sure. Believe me I know this girl well, and she's one of the very very very few people that I can trust blind folded. Actually it cause of the fact that she can't stand the fact of "stringing me along" until she maybe gets decided that she was feeling frustrated cause she was feeling greedy and that it was not fair on myself. I was ready to give her time as I did, we tried, we did, but it just didn't work to get her 100% decided and she can't figure out why or what's the problem and that is what's most frustrating cause you can't fix something that you don't know is wrong. I am sorry cause I lost a girl which if I really had to choose one person to be my partner she would be the one that I ever looked for. I don't have regrets, I did what ever I could, more than I had to actually, I hope that as I always believed in life, everything happens for a reason.

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I'm not feeling that bad don't worry cause although we've been together for around 4-5months it didn't always feel that I was in a proper relationship so I didn't manage to love her till now. I miss her for sure, as she does for sure. Believe me I know this girl well, and she's one of the very very very few people that I can trust blind folded. Actually it cause of the fact that she can't stand the fact of "stringing me along" until she maybe gets decided that she was feeling frustrated cause she was feeling greedy and that it was not fair on myself. I was ready to give her time as I did, we tried, we did, but it just didn't work to get her 100% decided and she can't figure out why or what's the problem and that is what's most frustrating cause you can't fix something that you don't know is wrong. I am sorry cause I lost a girl which if I really had to choose one person to be my partner she would be the one that I ever looked for. I don't have regrets, I did what ever I could, more than I had to actually, I hope that as I always believed in life, everything happens for a reason.

 

day 2 and I do feel bad.........thought that it would only suck being again single but this is not just it, it is much more that I thought it would be. I do miss her, I knew it would be the case but again, not this much. Seeing her online facebook and msn hurts I just want to talk to her, but I don't want so we can do no contact cause deep down inside me I hope I really really hope she feels that thing she wants in this relationship or what it used to be and she'll be back. I can't just forget her, I'll see her car at work in the parking lot, I'll probably meet her in the morning going in at work and sometime during the day walking in the corridors at work. I know I should let go cause most probably it won't happen but I just cannot, mind and heart just don't work in symphony. This is hard, stopping a relationship cause for sure it couldn't go on like that not cause we fought or we betrayed each other or did something wrong is much worst, I can't be angry, there's no anger to help me forget the pain.........

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day 2 and I do feel bad.........thought that it would only suck being again single but this is not just it, it is much more that I thought it would be. I do miss her, I knew it would be the case but again, not this much. Seeing her online facebook and msn hurts I just want to talk to her, but I don't want so we can do no contact cause deep down inside me I hope I really really hope she feels that thing she wants in this relationship or what it used to be and she'll be back. I can't just forget her, I'll see her car at work in the parking lot, I'll probably meet her in the morning going in at work and sometime during the day walking in the corridors at work. I know I should let go cause most probably it won't happen but I just cannot, mind and heart just don't work in symphony. This is hard, stopping a relationship cause for sure it couldn't go on like that not cause we fought or we betrayed each other or did something wrong is much worst, I can't be angry, there's no anger to help me forget the pain.........

 

It's only normal to feel like that. On my first day since she asked for some "time and space", I was kind of in denial, so I was acting like nothing had happened. Well, as the days went by, I was feeling more horrible, until I fell into a deppression. I remember on the second day being at a class, on college and suddenly I just had a panic attack; my hands were shaking, I was turning pale and my breathing almost stopped. I was afraid of passing out right there in front of every student.

 

It's a natural thing to miss everything that you got used to in those months. Your body is used to it. Give it time, you'll see that you'll feel better, but you have to get into the mindset that No Contact won't be used to make her miss you. It's to get YOU back.

 

If she does miss you, which she probably will, in some way (not meaning she wants to get back together), it must be seen only as a side-effect.

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day 2 and I do feel bad.........thought that it would only suck being again single but this is not just it, it is much more that I thought it would be. I do miss her, I knew it would be the case but again, not this much. Seeing her online facebook and msn hurts I just want to talk to her, but I don't want so we can do no contact cause deep down inside me I hope I really really hope she feels that thing she wants in this relationship or what it used to be and she'll be back. I can't just forget her, I'll see her car at work in the parking lot, I'll probably meet her in the morning going in at work and sometime during the day walking in the corridors at work. I know I should let go cause most probably it won't happen but I just cannot, mind and heart just don't work in symphony. This is hard, stopping a relationship cause for sure it couldn't go on like that not cause we fought or we betrayed each other or did something wrong is much worst, I can't be angry, there's no anger to help me forget the pain.........

 

I made this facial expression up for when I see him at work, I walk by him, give a quick look and throw a "hey"" and walk away. You know the look of someone who notices you but don't have time for a convo, not really a smile, polite still. Basically the look you would have in 6 months when you are over her.

 

Now, facebook, remove her, she broke up, keeping her on it is not going to make her change her mind. If you're not ready for that, you can actually click on the "friend" box and remove her newsfeed updates, that way you don't see her.

 

Her texts, delete them.

 

Her stuff, give it back, throw it away, or put it away in boxes. Same applies for your computer and pics you might have on it.

 

I hope you get better soon! :bunny:

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I made this facial expression up for when I see him at work, I walk by him, give a quick look and throw a "hey"" and walk away. You know the look of someone who notices you but don't have time for a convo, not really a smile, polite still. Basically the look you would have in 6 months when you are over her.

 

Now, facebook, remove her, she broke up, keeping her on it is not going to make her change her mind. If you're not ready for that, you can actually click on the "friend" box and remove her newsfeed updates, that way you don't see her.

 

Her texts, delete them.

 

Her stuff, give it back, throw it away, or put it away in boxes. Same applies for your computer and pics you might have on it.

 

I hope you get better soon! :bunny:

 

 

Hey, its day 3 and she just contacted me on MSN to tell me when I have 5 or even 2 min free to meet with her. I know what she wants, next wednesday it's my birthday so for sure she has a gift for me. I'll be meeting her either on Wednesday or on Friday before I go out.

 

I can't just ignore her, she didn't actually dump me, we agreed to stop our relationship cause it couldn't go on like that, I was giving much more and I was much more into her than she was into me, it didn't make sense keeping it on like that since she's not convinced into this, and we think that this will maybe clear her mind in one way (sure that she doesn't want a relationship with me) or another (she misses me and feels empty now that she can't just take me for granted) - these are her own words, mind you. I told her that we can meet next wednesday (my birthday day) before or I go out or Friday, same thing before I go out. She told me, I just need 2min, what I had to tell you, I did already, I don't need to repeat. I can't just tell her I don't want to meet with her, we ended up our relationship not to keep f***ing it up with the break thing so we are not on a fighting note or anything like that and we work at the same company so I end up meeting her some days.

 

Its days like this that I hate, today was not that bad after a very bad weekend missing her loads, I deleted all her text messages so I am not tempted to read those nice ones I had always treasured, but deep down inside me I keep hoping that with no contact, that thing that she always missed, felt missing sparks inside her and she realizes what she wants. I know, I am trying to move on, but I can't simply ignore this fact, it was one of the reasons we decided to stop everything between us with the hope that everything will be more clear, and if it is meant to be, it will happen. For the first time since I fell for this girl, I can't to anything to make this work, not like in the beginning, I just had to not let myself giving up on trying to date her and start something with her, this time I can't do anything, I really can't and this is frustrating.

Edited by mark-kram
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