KSP13 Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 I'm sorry in advance if this is too long. I'm so lost and confused that it's hard not to get into every single detail... My husband and I have been married for over 4 years now and have known each other since our freshman year of college (almost 10 years). In December 2010 I discovered that he had been using the account we pay our mortgage out of to finance alcohol purchases. For various reasons, it took several months to work out regular access to that account and, when I did, I discovered he had been doing this for about 4 months. It was awful but he went into AA and we tried to work past it. I guess I wasn't terribly surprised as I'd long suspected he had a drinking problem but was never able to confirm it. Flash forward to January 2011... he was pulled over at a routine checkpoint and they found marijuana pipes (about 4 of them) in his car. He did not have the drugs with him, just the pipes and so the legal ramifications in our state were not severe (they existed but were not terrible and we were able to take care of them). It took him two days to admit to having been caught with the pipes. He swore up and down that he wasn't drinking, only smoking and that he only smoked on his days off. I left for a hotel that night to cool off. It emerged during all of this that he had been lying about the extent of his substance use going back to shortly after our marriage (although he maintained he hadn't had a drink in over a year). We finally agreed that he would go into therapy while we took the next year (a separation period as required by divorce law in our state) to see what happened and if we could work past everything. Three months later, I caught him getting high. I still can't believe he was doing it while I was in the next room! Then two weeks ago, I was cleaning in his room and found marijuana. When he got home from work (I am disabled and work from home) I asked him about it and he denied it at first until I showed him what I had found. Only then did he admit to smoking. During this time we had been struggling financially. I had cut out all extra spending and was still struggling to make ends meet (I even had some medical issues that we couldn't afford to get looked into) but I still couldn't see where he was getting all this money - it clearly wasn't coming out of our joint account. Long story short... he had an account that his parents will occasionally put money into (birthdays, holidays etc) in lieu of presents. I asked for the log-in information so I could see what we were dealing with and it was at this point that the real bombshell fell. He had been using the marijuana to conceal the fact that he was drinking. About $500 (often more) worth of booze a month. His parents, since we've been married have given us over $80,000 and I had no idea. He hasn't used it all on alcohol - there were some legitimate purchases that benefited us both - home improvement and the like but easily 1/2 of what he had went to secretive and destructive uses. Meanwhile, I have the best interest rates on the credit cards so our debt (debt that I now know we didn't actually need to take on) is in my name. He has been going to AA meetings everyday for two weeks. He is in therapy still and we have been seeing a couple's therapist for about three months. I know he is ashamed and he was legitimately shocked when I showed him how much money we were talking about - he really had no idea. But... while I understand that addiction is a disease and it makes people able to compartmentalize their lying... I don't know if this is something we can move past. For the first time I see the scope of what we're dealing with and... I don't know. Writing it like this makes me feel like obviously we have to divorce, what choice is there? But at the same time... Just as I wouldn't leave him if he got sick with cancer, how can I justify leaving him over the disease of addiction? On the flip side, that's so much money and so much lying. How do I live my life wondering when he's going to start hiding things from me again? There are so many wonderful things about him but... at this point I find myself looking at a future with him and a future without him and it is the future without him that seems most appealing. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 It took you 10yrs to find out of this account ? What of his parents, why didn't they mention it ? I'm trying to find out if his parents were willing enablers, if they were on his side all along or on the side of your marriage. How is your relationship with them ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KSP13 Posted June 24, 2012 Author Share Posted June 24, 2012 It took you 10yrs to find out of this account ? What of his parents, why didn't they mention it ? I'm trying to find out if his parents were willing enablers, if they were on his side all along or on the side of your marriage. How is your relationship with them ? I knew he had the account but never that there was so much in it. I'd been made to think that money was only infrequently in it. It's my fault for not asking to access it sooner. I have a great relationship with his parents, they have been very loving towards me and I really like them. That said... his father is definitely a functional alcoholic and his mother, while not as bad, does drink more than is wise. Alcoholism runs rampant on his side of the family. His parents found out about his problem when he got pulled over by the cops and had to go to court over the pipes. I'd allowed him to keep his substance abuse between us until then but when that happened I told my husband that his parents really deserved to know. They were, understandably, upset but they continued to give money. I don't think they understand the extent of what is going on (neither did I). To them... they're giving money to help their only son and daughter-in-law have a better life. They'd never dream that he was keeping it from me and using it for nefarious purposes. I don't think I need to be concerned that they are intentionally enabling him. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 I think you need to tell his parents not to give their son any more money, because it is being used to support his alcohol/drug addiction. Addicts are more likely to quit when the consequences of their addiction gets to be too much for them to handle. Right now, his parents are enabling his addiction, and that is not helping him to experience negative consequences from his addiction like he would if his drinking were being financed by household income. I think you should stick by him and wait this out--wait for the counselors to help him and don't you or the parents enable these habits. My father was a functional alcoholic for most of his adult life, and he did eventually kick the habit for good once he got the counseling that he needed. Hang in there, and don't enable, and don't allow others to enable him. This addiction can be beaten if your husband is motivated enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 KathyM pretty much posted what i was about to write. If his parents are unwilling enablers, remove them as enablers, and enlist their help with him. Link to post Share on other sites
fucpcg Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 When it comes to alcohol and addiction, you can't seek answers in a dating site, it takes talking to others that have dealt with addiction and alcoholism. Go here: Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups And find a meeting close to you, and go. Repeatedly. Here you will find the help, answers, support you need. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts