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Does the dumper ever go through what the dumpee does?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 17th June 2012, 8:28 AM   #1
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Does the dumper ever go through what the dumpee does?

So i understand that when a breakup occurs one person will be left feeling alot worse than the other (through the fact they weren't expecting, do not understand why the breakup has occured) and the other feeling somewhat 'relieved'. And whilst the dumpee is left to deal with the break up through whatever means the dumper is more than capable of living life ( or so it seems).

What im trying to get at is as i'm here 3 months on still no where near over what has happened but through the not leaving my home/not eating/ generally being so depressed that my ex has gone and will not be returning stage I begin to wonder has my ex allready been through all of this (surely I would have known if he felt the way i do now considering we were together) or is that yet to come. Is it a case of because we were in the relationship as one, we hold the same deep feelings for eachother so will more or less deal with the breakup the same way at some point or another or because we are clearly different people can deal with the breakup in extremely different ways. I'm at the point where i dont think i would even want my ex back if he returned. He told me i need to let go and if i find someone else then atleast this person knows what he wants and can treat me properly. So i guess he has achknowledged he officially does not want to be with me and is more than happy to let me go. Well fine thats what i shall do.

Do you think it will hit him that im gone? Or has he allready accepted that? I just can't believe that his way of dealing with loosing someone you love is by ignoring them. Then again everyone is different. I don't want to get back together, i do not believe it would work judging by whats happened this past year I just want him to feel what I feel right now. To go through this breakup like ive had to. Maybe thats me being cruel i dont know cause at the same time i also never want him to feel how I feel i never want to have to see him in the state ive been in.

Weird thing this love malarky
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Old 17th June 2012, 8:47 AM   #2
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Everyone grieves in their own way. Many dumpers have already accepted everything before they ended it, which is why they ended it.

Don't worry about how he feels or what he is going through, it will only hold up your own healing process.
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Old 17th June 2012, 10:14 AM   #3
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Many dumpers will do the act when they have come to terms with the fact that they want the relationship to end [permanently or fooling themselves that it's temporary ... this is mostly for backburner].
I actually see this as a cowardly way to act, because most of the dumper sees the problems in themselves or the relationship but won't speak up and communicate in a way their partner will understand.
So they start drifting apart all the while pretending to do their best, getting their ducks in a row and pulling the plug on the relationship when it suits them.

Quite frankly, sharing a life with someone like this is a horrible prospect so each day i thank the dumper from my life that she decided to show her true colours.
I learned to both nonverbally encourage cowardly behaviour from dates, and to take notice of such behaviour because it's a future indicator of other things.
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Old 17th June 2012, 1:35 PM   #4
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I'm a dumper. Here's the thread I started last night:
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...top-loving-you

Dumpers go through a different process then dumpees, but if they loved you they'll go through something, but it's a little different. Everyone has the same aversion to shared meaningful events and whatnot, but the dumpee wonders how they didn't see it coming, how their loved one could have done this to them, etc, and the dumper pretty much has the same questions, but directed inward instead of outward. "How could I have done this? What kind of person am I?" The initial months are worse for the dumpee because the dumper thinks being without the dumpee is what they wanted,so while the dumpee is depressed and questioning why, the dumper is doing all of the things they thought the dumpee was stopping them from doing. Eventually I think the dumpee is in a better position, because they eventually realize that the dumper is a moron, find their self worth (because being in that low place makes it imperative to do so), but the dumper is left with the nagging thoughts that they are horrible people who destroyed 2 lives because of personality problems they can't explain, and will likely be inside them forever.

Put another way: you were rejected by someone, so now for yourself you need to find what's awesome about yourself and surround yourself with people who recognize it better than the dumper did. Your obstacle is gone. You're free. The repentant dumper has obstacles within, and eventually ends up disliking themselves. How do you escape that? When you realize the problem is yourself, how do you get away? How do you learn to see through your own false perceptions?
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Old 17th June 2012, 1:42 PM   #5
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well i wasn't the dumper but when after some months i saw him, he told me he had a pretty rough time.

it seems that they grieve too, maybe not as bad as we do.
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Old 17th June 2012, 2:33 PM   #6
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1 month for dumpee = 1 hour for dumper. If it takes you 3 months, it took him 3 hours.
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Old 17th June 2012, 11:33 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by olddirtyspatula View Post
I'm a dumper. Here's the thread I started last night:
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...top-loving-you

Dumpers go through a different process then dumpees, but if they loved you they'll go through something, but it's a little different. Everyone has the same aversion to shared meaningful events and whatnot, but the dumpee wonders how they didn't see it coming, how their loved one could have done this to them, etc, and the dumper pretty much has the same questions, but directed inward instead of outward. "How could I have done this? What kind of person am I?" The initial months are worse for the dumpee because the dumper thinks being without the dumpee is what they wanted,so while the dumpee is depressed and questioning why, the dumper is doing all of the things they thought the dumpee was stopping them from doing. Eventually I think the dumpee is in a better position, because they eventually realize that the dumper is a moron, find their self worth (because being in that low place makes it imperative to do so), but the dumper is left with the nagging thoughts that they are horrible people who destroyed 2 lives because of personality problems they can't explain, and will likely be inside them forever.

Put another way: you were rejected by someone, so now for yourself you need to find what's awesome about yourself and surround yourself with people who recognize it better than the dumper did. Your obstacle is gone. You're free. The repentant dumper has obstacles within, and eventually ends up disliking themselves. How do you escape that? When you realize the problem is yourself, how do you get away? How do you learn to see through your own false perceptions?
I think my ex went through what you did. He kept in contact with me or at least tried to after we broke up. went on for about a yr. Anytime i would tell him im leaving his life he would get scared. There is just so much to the story. Hard to explain everything. But im not sure that he thinks im better off without him
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Old 18th June 2012, 7:13 AM   #8
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I guess its one of those things thats different in every situation. Regardless wether my ex is 'over it' or still has to eventually deal with it, it shouldn't really bother me. But it does and probably will for a while.

For me the hardest part of this whole process is getting on with life, experiencing new things but doing them on my own. All these new things happening, and i cant tell him about them. I guess eventually it won't bother me.
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Old 18th June 2012, 11:24 AM   #9
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The dumper goes through a long process of dealing with these things too. The difference is that it happened while they had all "the comforts of home". They did it from the safety of being loved. They did it while have intimacy on tap as needed. They did it before they were alone. They did it gradually while getting to wishy wash with one foot in each world... for months... maybe years. They did it while reaching out to a new secret support network. They did it by building up the courage to set aside everything they think they need, pack thier bags so to speak, and step foot into a brave new world.

For us dumpees we get the surprise attack of Pearl Harbor, the destruction of Hiroshima, and the rude awakening that our support network has withered away while we invested so much in a long term relationship now ripped away from us.
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