is this psychotic?

[rbitrage]

Ok I just want to know if this is normal, understandable or way out there.

 

Been dating this girl for a month or so. She's a bit of a ball-buster, and always teasing me, and i give it back to her to a lesser extent. Anyways, last four days we spent completely together. Wednesday she introduces me to her cousin who's visiting from out of town, thursday-saturday we spent the night together and spent all day saturday together. It was amazing. One of the most intense and passionate times ever with any woman. Anyways, we're sitting up at 3am on saturday and she's telling me something. Now it's late, and I have a bit of attention deficit disorder, so I interrupt her, and she freaks out. I have to admit I have done it before, and she hates it but it is never intentional. I apologize as soon as it happens, and she just freaks out and leaves. Says I can't take this anymore. Next day we talk on the phone, and she tells me that our personalities are too different and it could never work. So from 3am when we are lying there making out and sharing weeks of bliss, kissing etc, to an hour later and the next day, she's totally over this.

 

I get it but I don't. Like this was not just a physical relationship. We talked about all kinds of deep and interesting stuff, made plans for travel, etc etc.

 

I don't need someone to tell me, yes it's over and move on. That part I get. But is it normal to be so close to someone that you spend so much time with and open up in so many ways (we used to have 4-5 hour conversations on the phone as well) and just turn the switch off so quickly. Or is she just brewing with anger and I made it worse by apologizing about it too much and looking weak.

 

If nothing else I just want to know for future reference, because this is about as quick a turn from hot to cold and as extreme as I have ever seen.

[d'Arthez]

From what you describe I would not worry too much about it. Don't think you did anything wrong.

 

The only "reasonable" explanation that I can offer is that your interruption may be perceived as a "controlling" behaviour, similar to something bad she experienced in childhood (if for instance that is how her parents fought). This is a complete guess. It is certainly not something that has a quick fix.

 

You are better off with someone else, obviously.

[Emilia]

 

If nothing else I just want to know for future reference, because this is about as quick a turn from hot to cold and as extreme as I have ever seen.

 

borderline personality disorder? From experience it takes about a month to start seeing the first signs. My ex was very good at sucking me in, sharing his vulnerabilities with me only to see me as the devil's incarnate when we had our first conflict. It sounds manipulative and it wasn't, he couldn't help himself and he can't help himself now (he told me recently as he is getting more aware of it). The sex was unbelievable because we connected on another level

Edited May 14, 2012 by Emilia

[rbitrage]

Yeah I hear you. Funny thing is she could interrupt me and tease me about something or for all the conversations where I didn't interrupt, that didn't matter, but if I ever did, it becomes, you 'always' interrupt me and never listen to me. She does seem to have some issues from previous relationships and I suspect that may be driving it. All i know is I always respected her in every way (unlike her last bf) except for this bad habit I had of changing the topic or saying something when she would be telling a story and even that not always.

 

I realize we can't change people, and they need to deal with their own issues, but part of me thinks she ran away from this because we were getting too close and she became afraid. She got really close to her ex and he turns around and says the religious difference is an issue and his family would never accept her even if she converted. I'm sure that is gonna leave a mark. And I happen to be the same religion as her ex but I am totally not religious and my family would be happy to have her if she makes me happy. Thing is now she is so dead set on her decision, there is no rationalizing with her.

 

My only choice is to move on or give her space and see what happens. As the 'dumpee', I have no angle to get her to reconsider this. It is just so strange because there was no buildup towards it, and all her behavior leading up to this moment was showing she was getting closer to me, not farther away.

[tornangel]

She sounds like she has bi polar or bpd or something to get so extreme like that. I think that is def not normal at all. And you dont need to over apologize anymore. Its not like you hurt her. I have done that before, (interupted during deep conversation) and while I apologized and it was rude it wasnt on purpose. And they may have been upset a sec then got over it. It happens, dam we are human beings. I would find someone with more patient for sure. She sounds really unstable..

[tornangel]

Yes I agree she has a commitment/abandonment issue. I have the same thing. I have split up with every guy I have ever dated, and I trust no guy. But she has to fix that, u cant. I would always find something wrong with a guy and leave. But I am working on that now : ) ALONE.. Some guys were really bad to me, but a few good ones I sabatoged..

[trist]

don't make excuses for her or for yourself for that matter... you're over analyzing the situation in bringing in past relationships she's had, religious views, etc etc, you're grasping at straws...

 

at the end of the day, ask yourself this... she flipped a shiet and bailed because you interrupted her... how did you interrupt her exactly?? was she telling you something deep and personal and did you suddenly ask her if she liked being on top or bottom better?? anyways, back to the question, ask yourself this... it's only been 30 days, the honeymoon phase, if she's going to be like this NOW, imagine when the honeymoon fades out...

[rbitrage]

Funny thing is she was a psychology major and considers herself a great judge of people. On top of that she was so quick to point out when she freaked out that I have an extreme case of ADD and I need to get help. I mean, no doubt I have my own issues, but she seriously went all sinister in the end. I even asked her the next day, is it that easy for you to just 'turn it off' after all we went through this weekend. And she was like, i say this not to hurt you, but it was really easy to stop having these feelings for you, and it was not in an instant, as she has had these issues bothering her for weeks. Which itself is funny because then why ramp up the passion, why say you want to see the person more, why say i wonder if you could get along with my parents, etc etc. i know sometimes the dumper goes extra cold just so the dumpee would not linger and hope and maybe that is what she is doing, but she really wanted to drum home the point that she is totally over this.

 

I realize this is some serious red flag action being shown, and maybe I'm infatuated, but it was so freakin amazing for the last month!

[d'Arthez]

Funny thing is she was a psychology major and considers herself a great judge of people

You do know that suicide rates for psychology students are higher than for students of any other department? Some messed up people study psychology in an obvious attempt to make sense of themselves.

[rbitrage]

haha, i didn't know that. That is pretty funny.

 

Does anything think if i leave this girl alone she will call me up again or do you think based on her?behavior she is done with this.

[GorillaTheater]

haha, i didn't know that. That is pretty funny.

 

Does anything think if i leave this girl alone she will call me up again or do you think based on her?behavior she is done with this.

 

What she'll probably do is call you up, bitching about how you haven't called her.

 

Up to you whether you want this in your life or not.

[beyond]

Ok I just want to know if this is normal, understandable or way out there.

 

Been dating this girl for a month or so. She's a bit of a ball-buster, and always teasing me, and i give it back to her to a lesser extent. Anyways, last four days we spent completely together. Wednesday she introduces me to her cousin who's visiting from out of town, thursday-saturday we spent the night together and spent all day saturday together. It was amazing. One of the most intense and passionate times ever with any woman. Anyways, we're sitting up at 3am on saturday and she's telling me something. Now it's late, and I have a bit of attention deficit disorder, so I interrupt her, and she freaks out. I have to admit I have done it before, and she hates it but it is never intentional. I apologize as soon as it happens, and she just freaks out and leaves. Says I can't take this anymore. Next day we talk on the phone, and she tells me that our personalities are too different and it could never work. So from 3am when we are lying there making out and sharing weeks of bliss, kissing etc, to an hour later and the next day, she's totally over this.

 

I get it but I don't. Like this was not just a physical relationship. We talked about all kinds of deep and interesting stuff, made plans for travel, etc etc.

 

I don't need someone to tell me, yes it's over and move on. That part I get. But is it normal to be so close to someone that you spend so much time with and open up in so many ways (we used to have 4-5 hour conversations on the phone as well) and just turn the switch off so quickly. Or is she just brewing with anger and I made it worse by apologizing about it too much and looking weak.

 

If nothing else I just want to know for future reference, because this is about as quick a turn from hot to cold and as extreme as I have ever seen.

 

With all respect to you, we are only hearing your side of the story.

Depending how many times you have done this, I too would be really upset if I felt someone wasn't listening to me, especially if I'd told them this upset me on previous occasions.

Maybe this was just the tip of the iceberg and led her to believe you were not compatible.

....and I dont consider myself psychotic!:p

[wilsonx]

fyi... intense and passion = sex only

 

typical idiots on the forum though a month relationship, calling others bi polor or bpd

[rbitrage]

No i agree with you and yes i am totally admitting there were issues, but what I am saying is usually when doubts creep up people tend to get less close but she was intensifying the effort to see me right up to the point when she break up with me. It was like she was trying to have her last few intense puffs before she was about to stop smoking it seems. That's why i say, do you want to see someone more when you find qualities in him/her increasingly annoying. Does the passion between you ramp up, or go sideways/down? I'd say down probably which makes the break up make sense after the fact. In her case it seems like she was getting way closer to me, and I to her, which made that final walk out and definitive breakup that much weirder

[rbitrage]

wilsonx, i wouldn't say the passion/intense was sex only. The depth of conversation, intimacy of topics, sharing personal stories, etc etc was way more intense also. Yes the sex was amazing, but i'm talking about all the other stuff also

[wilsonx]

Right, like I said sex only, if it was anything more, she would still be with you.

 

She got bored, picked a fight and kicked you to the curb

[rbitrage]

haha. Alright fair enough. Yes I accept that whatever caused the ultimate demise, she weighed the good and bad, and decided it wasn't worth it for her, and so yes, it's my loss

[KathyM]

haha, i didn't know that. That is pretty funny.

 

Does anything think if i leave this girl alone she will call me up again or do you think based on her?behavior she is done with this.

I'd say she's done with you, and I'd advise you to move on. It sounds to me like this was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. It sounds like you have a bad habit of interrupting and not giving a person appropriate attention to what they're saying, and that can be very aggravating for a person. She obviously had reservations about you prior to this because of this tendency of yours, but this last incident must have shown her you really are not someone she can connect with, and so she is bailing. Since this issue was present prior to this, and bothered her prior to this, it doesn't sound like she is "splitting", as a Borderline person would do. It sounds more like this was the last straw for her in a bad habit that you exhibited throughout your relationship with her. Sometimes, all it takes for a relationship to end is one bad incident, and it sounds like this was it. And just as a side note, you really should do something about this tendency you have. No one likes to be interrupted, ignored, or have their SO fail to respond to what they are saying. It shows lack of interest, lack of caring, self preoccupation, and it's basically rude to interrupt or abruptly change the subject when someone is deeply engrossed in saying something meaningful. Maybe you do have ADD and need to work on that, or maybe you are self absorbed and need to focus more on what other people are saying without interrupting. I think you should work on that, because other people will also find that annoying if you continue to do that.

[trist]

it was a month... I've had broken bones that lasted longer... LET IT GO, it's not like you were going to get married this month... you've over analyzing the situation and getting all soaked up on it... all you want to know is if this girl is going to call you back and if you can pick up where you left off...

 

WHY DO YOU WANT TO TORTURE YOURSELF??!! obviously you two aren't compatible, you went down in flames after 30 days, and judging from how you are sitting here dissecting and putting back together every element of your relationship, one has to ask how you projected yourself when the two of you were together...

 

just enjoy the intensity you two shared and find someone you are compatible with...

[Feelin Frisky]

It's hard to say exactly what it was but given what you said about going fro hero to zero that fast over a mistake you realized immediately and apologized for, it's a red flag of extraordinary crimson intensity. It could be a lot of things--one is just that you two have been messing around sexually but not getting off. That can put one in a state of extremes--could she have been ticked off all along that you didn't take it further and wasn't the type to do so herself? The person who mention BPD is correct too about the length of time before it's starts to show but there's not enough there to be sure it's that. It's SOMETHING and it's all about her not being able to feel unpleasant feelings without throwing all the pleasant ones out in a heart beat. My relationship with a BPD woman was like that but I later realized that it was so extreme she disconnected with the nicer personality and thus also disconnected with the nasty one and therefore could not take responsibility as one person. That was her was of avoiding responsibility for or dealing with potential fights. Now I'm starting to wonder if today's version is to stop talking at all and to only converse by text where it "sounds" safeand one can controll everything or contrain it. That might be creating a new reactionary syndrome or beig branded guilty of anger whether true or not.

[rbitrage]

yeah fair enough. it just happened yesterday so am a bit wired up but i should be over it in a week or so, maybe less maybe more.

 

KathyM, I hear your points and yes it is perfectly reasonable, but what I myself have done, or what girls have done to me when something is bothering me about a person and it is getting worse and worse is subconsciously want to see them less. I make excuses, i become withdrawn, or less attached and then a breakup happens. And same girls for a girl who is getting peeved with me. All i am saying is what is confusing is why she upped the intensity, meetings, conversation, intimacy of sharing, etc etc, if there was this volcano waiting to erupt because she couldn't stand these qualities in me anymore?

[rbitrage]

Feeling frisky, not sure what you mean by not getting off? We were both getting off if you mean orgasms (in fact i always made sure had hers first haha). Beyond that, saying to me saturday afternoon, do you drink scotch because my father likes scotch and let's see if you would get along with them, and then 12 hours later say i was always in doubt and this set me over the edge is again a bit weird. I'm trying not to judge her per se. Just trying to understand. I have plenty of flaws, and yes any one of them could be a turn off, but the girls who are turned off show it through their behavior leading up to the breakup. Also if it's just sex, you don't linger all night, holding eachother till midday next day and go for a leisurely lunch and have endless conversation, leading up to the volcano erupting.

 

I honestly dont think she is weird at all. But as I go through the forensics of a relationship that just ended i try to make sense of what i need to learn from it, for future reference. And here i have no clue what happened based on the sequence.

[Eddie Edirol]

yeah fair enough. it just happened yesterday so am a bit wired up but i should be over it in a week or so, maybe less maybe more.

 

KathyM, I hear your points and yes it is perfectly reasonable, but what I myself have done, or what girls have done to me when something is bothering me about a person and it is getting worse and worse is subconsciously want to see them less. I make excuses, i become withdrawn, or less attached and then a breakup happens. And same girls for a girl who is getting peeved with me. All i am saying is what is confusing is why she upped the intensity, meetings, conversation, intimacy of sharing, etc etc, if there was this volcano waiting to erupt because she couldn't stand these qualities in me anymore?

 

Ill shed some light on this so we can get back to the subject of you completely disreguarding the more important point at hand.

 

People fake it while they are trying to work out in their head whether or not they want to be with you. They can be at varying degrees of infatuation. Maybe she was at a 6 at that minute when she used to be at a 9. But I guess she didnt want to have to keep telling you that you dont listen to her, so she cut her losses. She wanted to work on it, but she had enough. Maybe there was another guy in the picture that didnt interrupt her, and she decided to try him out. People can fake passion you know. She could have faked it while waiting for you to do or say something that would make her infatuation level get back at a 9. She wanted you to stop interrupting her, and maybe wanted to see if you would stop. But you didnt, and maybe she realized she faked it long enough.

 

 

What the hell was so important in your mind that you werent listening to her and you had to interrupt while she was trying to get deep with you?

 

BTW if she also interrupted you while you were talking, she either really wasnt interested in what you had to say, or she was trying to mimic your behavior to give you a taste of your own medicine. If it was the former, be glad she ran from you, you dodged a bullet.

 

I think that if you arent interested enough in someone to be able to listen and be genuinely interested in what they have to say, then you just have to keep dating until you find that person that doesnt bore you mentally.

[wilsonx]

Like I said before, you look at the actions of a person, not their words. Anything coming out of her mouth is hot air. Works both ways too guys do the same thing.

 

If you are in an intense passionate relationship, you better just want sex or able to walk away after it unscathed.

[Feelin Frisky]

Feeling frisky, not sure what you mean by not getting off? We were both getting off if you mean orgasms (in fact i always made sure had hers first haha). Beyond that, saying to me saturday afternoon, do you drink scotch because my father likes scotch and let's see if you would get along with them, and then 12 hours later say i was always in doubt and this set me over the edge is again a bit weird. I'm trying not to judge her per se. Just trying to understand. I have plenty of flaws, and yes any one of them could be a turn off, but the girls who are turned off show it through their behavior leading up to the breakup. Also if it's just sex, you don't linger all night, holding eachother till midday next day and go for a leisurely lunch and have endless conversation, leading up to the volcano erupting.

 

I honestly dont think she is weird at all. But as I go through the forensics of a relationship that just ended i try to make sense of what i need to learn from it, for future reference. And here i have no clue what happened based on the sequence.

 

Sorry. I misread this sentence in a way that it impled that you two were doing everything but having real full on tex--which has been siad to be the case by other posters here in the past who are "saving it". My mistake. (I don't think I have attention deficit disorder. Maybe just this week after some personal BS to deal with.)

 

...

 

..Like this was not just a physical relationship. We talked about all kinds of deep and interesting stuff, made plans for travel, etc etc.

 

....

 

Everything else I said applies I think though. One more thing, maybe you don't have attention deficit. Maybe you get border listening to boring people.