my story, resurfaced.

[flitzanu]

so i've realized now, since august 2010 that my name and face have just become synonymous with arrogance and cynicism, so i thought i'd offer the chance to revisit my story. one thing these new people forget is the reason that brought the "older" members here. we've gone through what you're dealing with, and we are telling you the "likeliest" advice, and what most of us wish we knew and followed.

 

we aren't telling you things to be rude or dismiss your feelings or make you feel stupid. we want you (well, i do...can't speak for everyone) to feel better without this person that hurt you. anyway, i'm sure others can add their input, just wanted to point out we don't all mean to sound like we hate you and don't have time for your stories. we've just heard them all, and things boil down to very common, simple factors. without further adieu, i'm posting an edited letter sent to me by my ex gf (2010). and hours later, she broke up with me. weeks later became a different person. months after, is a shadow of who i knew, and will never speak to me again.

 

her words follow. i bolded a few key statements. guys...we try to hold on to things liek this, that are bolded, believing they mean something. well, they don't. not the next day. that's not to be rude or spiteful, just simply that a person may say one thing one day, and may not feel the same the next day. so just because a girl/guy is saying one thing last week doesn't mean it applies the next week after your breakup.

 

----

 

I’m not good with words. I say things that I don’t mean when I get angry. I don’t know how to stop. I’m sorry for last night. I’m sorry for getting upset with you. I know that it was wrong of me and I should have been more understanding. Unfortunately I can’t take back everything I said. But honestly I guess there was truth to a few things I said. Like wondering why you are still with and why you’re not committed to me. I don’t understand and it’s frustrating that you wont give any type of answer. Even when things are good between us, I don’t feel like we are moving forward. It seems like you’re holding yourself back and that frustrated me. I know that our relationship could be great if we both gave it everything we have but I know that we don’t. Why is that? Why are we unable to be happy. I know that I’m needy and selfish at times. I also know that I get upset too easily. But have you ever considered that maybe it’s me showing you that I care. I’m not saying that’s why I do it but I am saying that if I didn’t care then I wouldn’t get upset at all. I don’t know how to fix the problems between us. I only know that I need you to be understanding. ........ together but then it seems seeing everyone else became more important. It seems like we have talk after talk about how things have to change between us but nothing ever does. Why? I feel like I’m trying but it’s hard to keep my emotions under control at all times. I know I’ve been moody lately and I’m sorry for that. I’ve had a lot going on the last month and I don’t handle stress very well. ...... I don’t know if you ever want to get married or have kids or anything. We’ve not ever talked about that. …….. ..... I realized that I do want to marry you and have a family with you. But is that something you want? I may be jumping the gun asking you that since you’ve never mentioned it on your own but I need to know what it is that you want from me. ……….. I’m sad but I also think did it happen for a reason? Maybe it is best but either way it breaks my heart. I’m sorry for not telling you but I thought I need to come to terms with the idea …….. before I told you. I don’t know how any of this makes you feel. I’m sorry for telling you while we are fighting as well. I’m just not very good with talking about things. My emotions control me. Again I’m sorry for last night. I’m admitting fault. I’m asking that you forgive me.

 

----

[wilsonx]

So how would you interpret this letter now after much needed space?

[robkris8079]

My two favorite members in a thread ! You will never hear me getting on the two of you. I love your comments and how you guys come across. I myself have been on this site for quite awhile off and on. I can spot those people who come on here just so they can get people to encourage their poor decisions. If the members don't agree they make a new thread about the same BS until they get someone who does.

 

But anyway that letter is great! I got so much future talk, lovey dovey stuff, and whatever else right before the split. Sure there were a couple red flags but she didn't want to discuss those. Now I don't even know who she is. She is just a stranger.

[flitzanu]

So how would you interpret this letter now after much needed space?

 

well, it was her Last Will and Testament, and her final plea. of course, that's hidden in the words though. but thing is...this letter was typed the day after a fight, while i was out (in our hotel at a convention). upon my return, things became heated again, and a major fight ensued. we both said horrible things, and me...after drinking...i don't go for proverbial "blood" i go for the killshot. so my words crippled and broke her heart, that part i get...and that's not self-loathing.

 

so the fight happened, and THEN the next morning i see this email. yeah, i felt like a miserable fool. but...selfish pride kept me from talking about it. we both needed space to cool off, and on the 5 hour drive back home she lashed out again that she "needed a break".

 

this is where my idiocy comes in...i didn't realize "break" = breakup. i do now. i don't think she wanted time, though she really did want time away. this is the one very gray area that most of us miss. she made her decision in that heated moment....even though we had fights before, she adored me, as i did her. but that SINGLE MOMENT pushed things over the edge. she wanted time away from me, because she wanted to realize that she could live without me. and at the same time, her letter had been a plea for me to take the next step in that relationship and i hadn't. this perfect storm of events resulted.

 

now, the gray area that so many posters sadly miss.

 

i was in the car with her for 5 hours, sulking, seething, smirking...but in those 5 hours nothing i could have done or said was going to change her mind. that's not the gray area.

 

finally getting back home (lived separately) we unpacked, i got my things, and like a child, stormed off inside and didn't say bye, no words, nothing. because "i'm too mature to act immature about this". yeah, almost to the gray area.

 

in those 7 seconds, a MERE 7 seconds, from shutting her car door and walking to my door, that was the space i had to fix that damaged relationship. all i had to do was drop what i was doing, hug her and tell her how much i loved her. i didn't have to even fix it, or try to fix it, all i had to do was simply say what my heart felt, even after the 5 hours of fighting.

 

but i didn't.

 

that's your gray area.

 

but the problem is, everyone that's here posting, you've lost your gray area, and lost your 7 seconds.

 

so i spent a year of self-loathing and blaming myself, blaming her, blaming everything i could. but what it boils down to, honestly, is she chose to pursue a different life. that choice meant she left me behind. but on the same hand...my choice to "rebuke" her in those 7 seconds...i chose to walk away from her too.

 

but i digress. this isn't about my mistakes, or what i coulda shoulda woulda. point is, sadly, so many of these posts...things are well beyond your "7 seconds". the other person has made up their mind by the time your pain and tears are being typed here on loveshack.

 

so what did i learn, and what do i make of this letter now? it was the last time she adored me, and the last time she wanted me to adore her. every single word i spoke after this...never mattered to her anymore.

 

wow that was a little cathartic.

 

sorry if i just babbled.

 

and coming soon, i'll find my "letters" to her that i wrote, which again are always a mistake...because as i've said above...their moment passed. your letter is just another reminder of how much you need them, and how they've broken their need for you. a pathetic letter of how needy you are and how you can't live without them...is never attractive to a girl that just left you.

[flitzanu]

My two favorite members in a thread ! You will never hear me getting on the two of you. I love your comments and how you guys come across. I myself have been on this site for quite awhile off and on. I can spot those people who come on here just so they can get people to encourage their poor decisions. If the members don't agree they make a new thread about the same BS until they get someone who does.

 

But anyway that letter is great! I got so much future talk, lovey dovey stuff, and whatever else right before the split. Sure there were a couple red flags but she didn't want to discuss those. Now I don't even know who she is. She is just a stranger.

 

thank you rob always glad to touch another soul, in whatever manner! haha.

[Masana]

I suffer, I read and I learn. Then by some miracle, the order is changed, I read, I learn and suffer less. Thanks guys that I have from whom to learn.

[jennisfora]

wow, glad to have read this. not sure where my 7 seconds were, but i have an inkling. i get the feeling he had been in the process of making a decision and hadn't made me privy to his doubts, but i think perhaps, when he brought my stuff from his place, he wanted to talk. his mind might have been made up, ill never know now. but he wanted to talk to me, and i wouldnt listen, and i would have none of it. i was hurt, and being angry. i guess my regret is not taking the time to listen. it might have made no difference whatsoever, but i wish i had been more mature. it isn't easy for anyone in a breakup, on either side.

[g450]

Agree 100% robkris,

 

See a lot of postings from people who really do not want to hear our advice. They only want to hear validation for their own bad judgement.

 

As flitzanu said, we come here because we dont want others to make the same mistakes we made. But many posters seem to always get defensive of their WAS and lash back as if we were trying to hurt them.

 

For me personally, I feel that helping others here helped me and is still helping me deal with my own pain. It's theropuedic (sp?). And I want these people to heal quicker by making the tough choices that they need to make.

 

I kept a journal of my journey and of course I reread my own first postings here. Like many that first come here I also did all the wrong things. When I see a new person here posting who is doing the same thing it breaks my heart. And when they ignore good advice it makes me feel even worse.

 

But I have gotten to the point where I am being desensitized to that. I try not to take it personally. I may post one more time trying to bestow some hard earned wisdom and some tough love and after that I give up. Some of them are and always will be beyond help. That is why we have people here that have spent years crying and analyzing every little breadcrumb their long lost ex throws their way. It's sad.

 

The hardest part of my own situation was coming to terms with what happened and why it happened after the initial shock wore off. It took a little over a year for me to do that. My biggest mistake was taking too much of the blame myself and not seeing how damaged my XW really was. That is what kept me from healing the most. And I see new people here that do that to themselves every day.

[wilsonx]

Couple of things to help you keep moving forward:

 

 

1. Sometimes a break is a break, not necessarily a breakup. Theres no time limit, it could be 1 year 2 years 20 years. People just need to find them selves. How long has it been for you? You are just now starting to find yourself.
   
2. Reread that letter again in 6 months. You will see the "grey" area.
   
3. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this from occurring the way it did. If you did manage on stopping it by an act of god, both of you would have grown to resent each other for the rest of your lives. This breakup happened right when it needed to.
   
4. There are no rules to dealing with a breakup, being angry, pleading, begging, writing letters shows you really care and in the long run is something positive to look back on.
   
5. You are only 50% responsible for 100% of the breakup in the end. Just own that much.
   
6. Now that you are starting to see "grey" you are going to have a lot of fun on the forums and with your friends. Have fun with it
   

[Boynextdoor]

Couple of things to help you keep moving forward:

 

 

1. Sometimes a break is a break, not necessarily a breakup. Theres no time limit, it could be 1 year 2 years 20 years. People just need to find them selves. How long has it been for you? You are just now starting to find yourself.
   
2. Reread that letter again in 6 months. You will see the "grey" area.
   
3. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this from occurring the way it did. If you did manage on stopping it by an act of god, both of you would have grown to resent each other for the rest of your lives. This breakup happened right when it needed to.
   
4. There are no rules to dealing with a breakup, being angry, pleading, begging, writing letters shows you really care and in the long run is something positive to look back on.
   
5. You are only 50% responsible for 100% of the breakup in the end. Just own that much.
   
6. Now that you are starting to see "grey" you are going to have a lot of fun on the forums and with your friends. Have fun with it
   

 

 

 

Bravo! Very well said mate! Cheers to that!

[flitzanu]

Couple of things to help you keep moving forward:

 

 

1. Sometimes a break is a break, not necessarily a breakup. Theres no time limit, it could be 1 year 2 years 20 years. People just need to find them selves. How long has it been for you? You are just now starting to find yourself.
   
2. Reread that letter again in 6 months. You will see the "grey" area.
   
3. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this from occurring the way it did. If you did manage on stopping it by an act of god, both of you would have grown to resent each other for the rest of your lives. This breakup happened right when it needed to.
   
4. There are no rules to dealing with a breakup, being angry, pleading, begging, writing letters shows you really care and in the long run is something positive to look back on.
   
5. You are only 50% responsible for 100% of the breakup in the end. Just own that much.
   
6. Now that you are starting to see "grey" you are going to have a lot of fun on the forums and with your friends. Have fun with it
   

 

what's cute is, i think this may be one of the nicest things you've posted lately!! ;p haha.

 

but really, i think you're a good 90% dead on with all the advice i read from you, it's sad that people do tend to take it so personally.

 

but the most impactful thing above is "owning your 50%". that's strong stuff right there. in a way it's been painful and therapeutic typing about this again. in all honestly, one of my biggest problems (and i know many frown on this) is that i AM or BECOME friends with my exes, every single one of them thus far. this is one person that tears me up more because we simply can't make social amends and just be "neutral", not even friends.

 

but...the positive side of that, i know, i don't have to be friends with all of them, and my life isn't hung up on her hating me. that's her problem, because i'm certainly the coolest person she's ever going to meet in her life. well, except that time we met Alice Cooper.

[Tree_Salmon]

what's cute is, i think this may be one of the nicest things you've posted lately!! ;p haha.

 

but really, i think you're a good 90% dead on with all the advice i read from you, it's sad that people do tend to take it so personally.

 

but the most impactful thing above is "owning your 50%". that's strong stuff right there. in a way it's been painful and therapeutic typing about this again. in all honestly, one of my biggest problems (and i know many frown on this) is that i AM or BECOME friends with my exes, every single one of them thus far. this is one person that tears me up more because we simply can't make social amends and just be "neutral", not even friends.

 

but...the positive side of that, i know, i don't have to be friends with all of them, and my life isn't hung up on her hating me. that's her problem, because i'm certainly the coolest person she's ever going to meet in her life. well, except that time we met Alice Cooper.

 

HAHA!

 

You and I have a few things in common.

I guarantee she will never find anyone as hilarious as yours truly here.

 

Unfortunately, some women will settle for less as long as there is some nut-less male willing to be played by them.

 

Just don't change that part of yourself and hopefully the next one will be it.

[flitzanu]

HAHA!

 

You and I have a few things in common.

I guarantee she will never find anyone as hilarious as yours truly here.

 

Unfortunately, some women will settle for less as long as there is some nut-less male willing to be played by them.

 

Just don't change that part of yourself and hopefully the next one will be it.

 

see?! that's the attitude to have. believing we aren't worthy and they deserve better...that's just silly talk. sure, maybe they will find someone that's a better match...but that doesn't mean they are "better" in any way.

[CaliBabe]

FLITZANU and WILSONX:

 

Two of my favorite posters. I highly agree with most of the advice you two give on this forum. It may not be fluffy and filled with marshmellows because you two have already been there, you've gone through it and while these new posters are still in the initial shock and highly vunerable at the time, I think alot of the straight forward advice you two give is golden.

 

This month marks one year of my breakup with my ex that brought me here to loveshack. And although I don't need the advice anymore as I am living my life and have healed I still come here when I can to loveshack and try to support other posters and try to "pay it forward" so to speak as others have done for me when I was in need.

 

Flitzanu and Wilson, although you both don't "HAVE" to come here and take the time out of your day to help and give your input, you simply do to help others. You guys have come such a long way and went through the trials and tribulatons and just want to help others NOT look like fools and knock some sense into them. You may be walking away from a relationship but at the very least you can leave with some dignity. So, although some people may find you both abrasive or straight forward (as I have been accused of also), I see it as you both just paying it foward.

 

Good post Flitzanu, thanks for sharing with us!

[flitzanu]

FLITZANU and WILSONX:

 

Two of my favorite posters. I highly agree with most of the advice you two give on this forum. It may not be fluffy and filled with marshmellows because you two have already been there, you've gone through it and while these new posters are still in the initial shock and highly vunerable at the time, I think alot of the straight forward advice you two give is golden.

 

This month marks one year of my breakup with my ex that brought me here to loveshack. And although I don't need the advice anymore as I am living my life and have healed I still come here when I can to loveshack and try to support other posters and try to "pay it forward" so to speak as others have done for me when I was in need.

 

Flitzanu and Wilson, although you both don't "HAVE" to come here and take the time out of your day to help and give your input, you simply do to help others. You guys have come such a long way and went through the trials and tribulatons and just want to help others NOT look like fools and knock some sense into them. You may be walking away from a relationship but at the very least you can leave with some dignity. So, although some people may find you both abrasive or straight forward (as I have been accused of also), I see it as you both just paying it foward.

 

Good post Flitzanu, thanks for sharing with us!

 

thanks babe as you said, i just realized for me, it's been since aug-nov 2010 since my breakup, and this forum figuratively saved my life. for me, it was reading the same stories every day, and realizing EVERYONE goes through the same patterns i was dealing with. seeing the repetition made me realize we really aren't that different as people, and i realized i was NOT special in my breakup. none of it was unique or different, though we all want to believe in some way "our story" is so different...they just aren't.

 

well maybe 1% of them.

[Tree_Salmon]

thanks babe as you said, i just realized for me, it's been since aug-nov 2010 since my breakup, and this forum figuratively saved my life. for me, it was reading the same stories every day, and realizing EVERYONE goes through the same patterns i was dealing with. seeing the repetition made me realize we really aren't that different as people, and i realized i was NOT special in my breakup. none of it was unique or different, though we all want to believe in some way "our story" is so different...they just aren't.

 

well maybe 1% of them.

 

still doesn't mean she'll find better.

Like I said, I'm pretty awesome.

Gotta keep your self esteem high and move forward.

[flitzanu]

still doesn't mean she'll find better.

Like I said, I'm pretty awesome.

Gotta keep your self esteem high and move forward.

 

heh, no worries. i'm so arrogant, i got "hubris" tattooed on my chest. that's how i roll. she will never find better ;p

[Boynextdoor]

see?! that's the attitude to have. believing we aren't worthy and they deserve better...that's just silly talk. sure, maybe they will find someone that's a better match...but that doesn't mean they are "better" in any way.

 

I must agree to this! They will never find men like us! We may seem to have our own "shortcommings" in life but this doesn't make us heartless human being.

 

 

They will find out the worth of us in time. Cheers boys! to the ladies we've loved and the ladies we've lost. SALUT!