LDR ended. Need some serious, unbiased comments-- complicated situation.

[Jester5510]

Posted this initially on another forum. Here is the original with an addendum. It's long, but PLEASE read through all of it before commenting, it's a complicated situation and I need unbiased advice.

 

I thought initially that I screwed up the relationship with the love of my life. Needless to say, since then, I've been doing a ton of soul searching, thinking and praying about the situation. I've finally come to what I think is a huge moment of clarity.

 

Background: LDR, 3.5 hours away, talking about marriage/kids until almost the very end, she was supposed to move here next week, originally and then re-signed a 6 month lease because she couldn't find a job.

 

Her: Grew up never knowing her real dad until she was 17. Raised by her step-dad, but that went way south when her half-sister came along. She comments on that all the time. It REALLY affected her. Fast forward to her adult years. She's been in one ****ty relationship when she was in her early, early 20s. Ever since then, she's been the type to date a guy for a month and drop them. She always picked complete *******s, too. I've known her since I was 22 (30 now), and have been her best friend forever. We've been on and off a couple of times, last time ending when I was 25. Fast forward again, we lose contact for 2 years due to a relationship I was in, then pick back up and start dating ourselves a year after I'm out of that relationship. She had made a lot of strides and matured immensely. We literally had an amazing relationship for 10 months. I've dated. ALOT. This blew everything out of the water.

 

We were talking forever. Seriously talking forever. We were talking about going to the JP and just doing it a month before we split. 2 weeks before our split, she posts on my FB wall along the lines of "I love you more today than yesterday, and I'll love you tomorrow even more still".

 

Now, I made mistakes in my relationship. We were both super stressed with work, me starting a new business, her going through a bunch of crap back where she was. I was a little pushy about the move (kinda selfish of me, obviously), took her for granted at times and didn't try hard enough to make necessary changes in myself. I was making the changes, but I can honestly say I wasn't putting forth 100% effort. It was improving slowly, but I could have done better.

 

These things are all good and fine. They are normal relationship things you work through, especially with someone you love and want to marry. She's not used to that, obviously, given her relationship history.

 

She's a tough cookie and has trust issues, but I thought we were past that. Getting closer to the move date (before she re-signed her lease), things started changing a bit. I could visibly tell she was anxious and worried and scared of the move and possibly more, not to mention that she told me these things specifically about the move. In the end, we split, no bitterness, and I realized I couldn't live without this girl. A week later I wrote a huge letter pouring my heart out, she said it was perfect, she cried, but it was too late.

 

We tried doing the friends thing (yeah, that always works out well :/ ) after she said that and I was heartbroken. She say crap like "I really do miss you" randomly. I broke down a week later and told her I couldn't do it. We went through it all again, nothing angry or mad, and she was crying again about us, saying she had wanted to marry me and has feelings for "us". That was a week ago. We remained FB friends, but don't speak to each other since I initiated NC (long story and weird, I know, but it's necessary... another complicated situation on that front).

 

I've been strong on the no contact thing. She is huge into music and it helps her release her emotions. She rarely posts music videos on FB, but 3-4 days ago, she posts 2 videos that blatantly say things along the lines of, "Why can't I let my guard down, everything I want is right in front of me, I'm trying to get to the sunshine", etc. (311 song) and another one saying, "Why am I letting it all go, why am I losing everything I want".

 

I had spoken with her mom a couple of weeks prior, and she thinks she's scared. I have thought she was scared, but I wasn't sure that was the root cause. After all of this, I'm pretty freaking convinced that it is. Ever heard the song by Reckless Kelly "Nobody's Girl"? Yeah, that sums it up for me. It's her fear of getting hurt, her fear of giving herself completely to someone, her fear of letting someone in fully and losing her independence. That makes it 10x harder for me, honestly, on an emotional level.

 

What do you guys think? Does that sound pretty spot on or not? If it DOES seem spot on, what in the heck can I do? I'm not about to completely lose the only person I loved because she is afraid given her previous life circumstances. I'm not trying to fix her, but I don't even think she's admitting it to herself fully, minus those two videos she posted.

 

If I can do anything, try anything, I need to know what it is. I've contemplated all sorts of stupid ideas. I wanted to send an e-mail detailing my clarity and tell her I would support her through it, I wanted to drive up randomly and just surprise her at her door and see what happens, I wanted to randomly send her flowers at work (big deal for her), etc. I talk myself out of everything, because I don't know what's right and don't want to do the wrong thing. Jesus... somebody help me out here, I'm begging you.

[Kamila]

So you guys were together for 3.5 years... when did the break-up occur ? Is it still fresh ?

 

From the post you wrote, it seems like you really love this girl.

She also seems to love you back.

So on the feelings part, you're okay there.

 

But love only isn't enough.

You need a solid soil to nurture and protect it.

Living together is a step into achieving this. That's where you are not on the same page.

 

She has trust (commitment) issues and you are pushing her. So there's a push-pull mechanism going on that makes her hesitate.

 

What could you do ?

Give her some time ? Not an ultimatum, but just some time to reflect.

You said she had some bad relationships in the past, that could be a reason she isn't keen about living with someone that could break her.

Maybe she had that done to her in the past.

 

I see a lot of myself in you, I also pushed my ex-bf into living with me.

And we also were in a long distance relationship (1.5 h away where I did all the driving, I was frustrated and exhausted).

My ex-bf also had bad relationships in the past and he never knew his father.

 

But your situation isn't the same as mine. You could still win her over.

Pushing won't do it. Maybe giving her some space will.

 

No contact could give her a push and you could show her what life is without you in it.

But first try to take a step back and talk to her.

[Jester5510]

So you guys were together for 3.5 years... when did the break-up occur ? Is it still fresh ?

 

No, I apologize if I worded it incorrectly. We were together for 10 months this last time. Also, she wasn't moving in with me, she moving to this city 3.5 hours away from where she currently lives, though moving in isn't out of the question.

 

But your situation isn't the same as mine. You could still win her over.

Pushing won't do it. Maybe giving her some space will.

 

No contact could give her a push and you could show her what life is without you in it.

But first try to take a step back and talk to her.

 

Thank you very much for your insight here.

[HeavenOrHell]

Why should she be the one to move?

 

Love isn't always enough, my LDR is breaking up because neither can/will move and his work is his main focus, he doesn't have the energy for us anymore, even though he still loves me. You've realised your mistakes and have tried to put them right, good for you, I'd give a lot for my partner to say 'actually I'm going to focus more on us and less on work'.

 

Also, IME partners can act/say stuff like there's nothing wrong right up to the last few days of the r/ship, maybe cos they want things to be ok, even though they're not. Wishful thinking/pretending things are ok.

 

Unfortunately sometimes we have no choice when it comes to 'can't live without them', we don't always get a say in the matter, it's often a case of having to deal with living without them.

 

We can't make anyone feel anything, if you've done all you can to show her you are committed and trustworthy, then the rest is down to her.

 

>It's her fear of getting hurt, her fear of giving herself completely to someone, her fear of letting someone in fully and losing her independence. That makes it 10x harder for me, honestly, on an emotional level.<

 

I think you'd find it 10x harder if she had fallen for someone else, or just didn't think you were the right person for her. Her reasons for splitting don't don't seem to have anything to do with lack of love for you.

 

Good luck, I hope things work out.

 

QUOTE=Jester5510;3910882]Posted this initially on another forum. Here is the original with an addendum. It's long, but PLEASE read through all of it before commenting, it's a complicated situation and I need unbiased advice.

 

I thought initially that I screwed up the relationship with the love of my life. Needless to say, since then, I've been doing a ton of soul searching, thinking and praying about the situation. I've finally come to what I think is a huge moment of clarity.

 

Background: LDR, 3.5 hours away, talking about marriage/kids until almost the very end, she was supposed to move here next week, originally and then re-signed a 6 month lease because she couldn't find a job.

 

Her: Grew up never knowing her real dad until she was 17. Raised by her step-dad, but that went way south when her half-sister came along. She comments on that all the time. It REALLY affected her. Fast forward to her adult years. She's been in one ****ty relationship when she was in her early, early 20s. Ever since then, she's been the type to date a guy for a month and drop them. She always picked complete *******s, too. I've known her since I was 22 (30 now), and have been her best friend forever. We've been on and off a couple of times, last time ending when I was 25. Fast forward again, we lose contact for 2 years due to a relationship I was in, then pick back up and start dating ourselves a year after I'm out of that relationship. She had made a lot of strides and matured immensely. We literally had an amazing relationship for 10 months. I've dated. ALOT. This blew everything out of the water.

 

We were talking forever. Seriously talking forever. We were talking about going to the JP and just doing it a month before we split. 2 weeks before our split, she posts on my FB wall along the lines of "I love you more today than yesterday, and I'll love you tomorrow even more still".

 

Now, I made mistakes in my relationship. We were both super stressed with work, me starting a new business, her going through a bunch of crap back where she was. I was a little pushy about the move (kinda selfish of me, obviously), took her for granted at times and didn't try hard enough to make necessary changes in myself. I was making the changes, but I can honestly say I wasn't putting forth 100% effort. It was improving slowly, but I could have done better.

 

These things are all good and fine. They are normal relationship things you work through, especially with someone you love and want to marry. She's not used to that, obviously, given her relationship history.

 

She's a tough cookie and has trust issues, but I thought we were past that. Getting closer to the move date (before she re-signed her lease), things started changing a bit. I could visibly tell she was anxious and worried and scared of the move and possibly more, not to mention that she told me these things specifically about the move. In the end, we split, no bitterness, and I realized I couldn't live without this girl. A week later I wrote a huge letter pouring my heart out, she said it was perfect, she cried, but it was too late.

 

We tried doing the friends thing (yeah, that always works out well :/ ) after she said that and I was heartbroken. She say crap like "I really do miss you" randomly. I broke down a week later and told her I couldn't do it. We went through it all again, nothing angry or mad, and she was crying again about us, saying she had wanted to marry me and has feelings for "us". That was a week ago. We remained FB friends, but don't speak to each other since I initiated NC (long story and weird, I know, but it's necessary... another complicated situation on that front).

 

I've been strong on the no contact thing. She is huge into music and it helps her release her emotions. She rarely posts music videos on FB, but 3-4 days ago, she posts 2 videos that blatantly say things along the lines of, "Why can't I let my guard down, everything I want is right in front of me, I'm trying to get to the sunshine", etc. (311 song) and another one saying, "Why am I letting it all go, why am I losing everything I want".

 

I had spoken with her mom a couple of weeks prior, and she thinks she's scared. I have thought she was scared, but I wasn't sure that was the root cause. After all of this, I'm pretty freaking convinced that it is. Ever heard the song by Reckless Kelly "Nobody's Girl"? Yeah, that sums it up for me. It's her fear of getting hurt, her fear of giving herself completely to someone, her fear of letting someone in fully and losing her independence. That makes it 10x harder for me, honestly, on an emotional level.

 

What do you guys think? Does that sound pretty spot on or not? If it DOES seem spot on, what in the heck can I do? I'm not about to completely lose the only person I loved because she is afraid given her previous life circumstances. I'm not trying to fix her, but I don't even think she's admitting it to herself fully, minus those two videos she posted.

 

If I can do anything, try anything, I need to know what it is. I've contemplated all sorts of stupid ideas. I wanted to send an e-mail detailing my clarity and tell her I would support her through it, I wanted to drive up randomly and just surprise her at her door and see what happens, I wanted to randomly send her flowers at work (big deal for her), etc. I talk myself out of everything, because I don't know what's right and don't want to do the wrong thing. Jesus... somebody help me out here, I'm begging you.

[Kamila]

No, I apologize if I worded it incorrectly. We were together for 10 months this last time. Also, she wasn't moving in with me, she moving to this city 3.5 hours away from where she currently lives, though moving in isn't out of the question.

 

Thank you very much for your insight here.

 

This last time ? You broke up multiple times before ?

[Jester5510]

This last time ? You broke up multiple times before ?

 

We dated once in our early 20s (23), but were both entirely too wild and party-centric. We gave it a shot for a couple of months, but neither was willing to continue long distance. We just didn't have the time or energy or priority for it.

[flitzanu]

Posted this initially on another forum. Here is the original with an addendum. It's long, but PLEASE read through all of it before commenting, it's a complicated situation and I need unbiased advice.

 

I thought initially that I screwed up the relationship with the love of my life. Needless to say, since then, I've been doing a ton of soul searching, thinking and praying about the situation. I've finally come to what I think is a huge moment of clarity.

 

Background: LDR, 3.5 hours away, talking about marriage/kids until almost the very end, she was supposed to move here next week, originally and then re-signed a 6 month lease because she couldn't find a job.

 

Her: Grew up never knowing her real dad until she was 17. Raised by her step-dad, but that went way south when her half-sister came along. She comments on that all the time. It REALLY affected her. Fast forward to her adult years. She's been in one ****ty relationship when she was in her early, early 20s. Ever since then, she's been the type to date a guy for a month and drop them. She always picked complete *******s, too. I've known her since I was 22 (30 now), and have been her best friend forever. We've been on and off a couple of times, last time ending when I was 25. Fast forward again, we lose contact for 2 years due to a relationship I was in, then pick back up and start dating ourselves a year after I'm out of that relationship. She had made a lot of strides and matured immensely. We literally had an amazing relationship for 10 months. I've dated. ALOT. This blew everything out of the water.

 

We were talking forever. Seriously talking forever. We were talking about going to the JP and just doing it a month before we split. 2 weeks before our split, she posts on my FB wall along the lines of "I love you more today than yesterday, and I'll love you tomorrow even more still".

 

Now, I made mistakes in my relationship. We were both super stressed with work, me starting a new business, her going through a bunch of crap back where she was. I was a little pushy about the move (kinda selfish of me, obviously), took her for granted at times and didn't try hard enough to make necessary changes in myself. I was making the changes, but I can honestly say I wasn't putting forth 100% effort. It was improving slowly, but I could have done better.

 

These things are all good and fine. They are normal relationship things you work through, especially with someone you love and want to marry. She's not used to that, obviously, given her relationship history.

 

She's a tough cookie and has trust issues, but I thought we were past that. Getting closer to the move date (before she re-signed her lease), things started changing a bit. I could visibly tell she was anxious and worried and scared of the move and possibly more, not to mention that she told me these things specifically about the move. In the end, we split, no bitterness, and I realized I couldn't live without this girl. A week later I wrote a huge letter pouring my heart out, she said it was perfect, she cried, but it was too late.

 

We tried doing the friends thing (yeah, that always works out well :/ ) after she said that and I was heartbroken. She say crap like "I really do miss you" randomly. I broke down a week later and told her I couldn't do it. We went through it all again, nothing angry or mad, and she was crying again about us, saying she had wanted to marry me and has feelings for "us". That was a week ago. We remained FB friends, but don't speak to each other since I initiated NC (long story and weird, I know, but it's necessary... another complicated situation on that front).

 

I've been strong on the no contact thing. She is huge into music and it helps her release her emotions. She rarely posts music videos on FB, but 3-4 days ago, she posts 2 videos that blatantly say things along the lines of, "Why can't I let my guard down, everything I want is right in front of me, I'm trying to get to the sunshine", etc. (311 song) and another one saying, "Why am I letting it all go, why am I losing everything I want".

 

I had spoken with her mom a couple of weeks prior, and she thinks she's scared. I have thought she was scared, but I wasn't sure that was the root cause. After all of this, I'm pretty freaking convinced that it is. Ever heard the song by Reckless Kelly "Nobody's Girl"? Yeah, that sums it up for me. It's her fear of getting hurt, her fear of giving herself completely to someone, her fear of letting someone in fully and losing her independence. That makes it 10x harder for me, honestly, on an emotional level.

 

What do you guys think? Does that sound pretty spot on or not? If it DOES seem spot on, what in the heck can I do? I'm not about to completely lose the only person I loved because she is afraid given her previous life circumstances. I'm not trying to fix her, but I don't even think she's admitting it to herself fully, minus those two videos she posted.

 

If I can do anything, try anything, I need to know what it is. I've contemplated all sorts of stupid ideas. I wanted to send an e-mail detailing my clarity and tell her I would support her through it, I wanted to drive up randomly and just surprise her at her door and see what happens, I wanted to randomly send her flowers at work (big deal for her), etc. I talk myself out of everything, because I don't know what's right and don't want to do the wrong thing. Jesus... somebody help me out here, I'm begging you.

 

after being in a similar situation, a girl saying she wants to marry me and have children, and the next breath that it's over, and then weeks later she never wants to marry anyone else but me, and days after says she never wants to see me again.

 

all i can say, chasing and being miserable and needy is NOT going to work. for my sitch, crying my eyes out and pouring out every thought of her on paper and emails about my "clarity" and "mistakes" didn't make a lick of difference.

 

doing so is only going to reinforce that she has you regardless of what she does. there's much truth in "no contact".

 

she's never going to miss you if you always have your head up her ass. of course, there's still the chance she doesn't want to miss you and wants to move on, and you constantly up in her kool-aid or showing up at her door is only going to label you as "psycho" (though we both know you're not).

 

best thing i'd say, that i'd have done differently in my sitch, would be to back off and disappear. if she comes back, awesome. if not, you move on. nothing you do is going to FORCE her to be in love with you. especially not acting like a desperate miserable sad-sack.

[Jester5510]

after being in a similar situation, a girl saying she wants to marry me and have children, and the next breath that it's over, and then weeks later she never wants to marry anyone else but me, and days after says she never wants to see me again.

 

all i can say, chasing and being miserable and needy is NOT going to work. for my sitch, crying my eyes out and pouring out every thought of her on paper and emails about my "clarity" and "mistakes" didn't make a lick of difference.

 

doing so is only going to reinforce that she has you regardless of what she does. there's much truth in "no contact".

 

she's never going to miss you if you always have your head up her ass. of course, there's still the chance she doesn't want to miss you and wants to move on, and you constantly up in her kool-aid or showing up at her door is only going to label you as "psycho" (though we both know you're not).

 

best thing i'd say, that i'd have done differently in my sitch, would be to back off and disappear. if she comes back, awesome. if not, you move on. nothing you do is going to FORCE her to be in love with you. especially not acting like a desperate miserable sad-sack.

 

That's exactly what I'm doing now. After a bunch of soul searching, prayer, and guidance (from multiple people, even her mom), I've decided to send a printed e-mail with flowers (she loves flowers and I promised her I'd buy her something when my insurance check came in... I keep my word.. it's a big thing with me and her and she knows it) initiating true no contact (including removing Facebook friendship), as well as a bunch of other stuff. Nothing bad. End of the story is that I left the ball in her court. If she doesn't come back one day, she doesn't come back. But I can't sit here and be miserable and hope and wish that it happens. In the e-mail, I gave an open invitation if she changed her mind well into the future, but that I'm giving her the space to deal with what she needs to deal with, if I'm not the man then I wish her happiness, and I'm moving on with my life for myself. /end e-mail - If she changes her mind, great, if not, I just hope this gives me closure if anything else. It's time to focus on myself.

[flitzanu]

That's exactly what I'm doing now. After a bunch of soul searching, prayer, and guidance (from multiple people, even her mom), I've decided to send a printed e-mail with flowers (she loves flowers and I promised her I'd buy her something when my insurance check came in... I keep my word.. it's a big thing with me and her and she knows it) initiating true no contact (including removing Facebook friendship), as well as a bunch of other stuff. Nothing bad. End of the story is that I left the ball in her court. If she doesn't come back one day, she doesn't come back. But I can't sit here and be miserable and hope and wish that it happens. In the e-mail, I gave an open invitation if she changed her mind well into the future, but that I'm giving her the space to deal with what she needs to deal with, if I'm not the man then I wish her happiness, and I'm moving on with my life for myself. /end e-mail - If she changes her mind, great, if not, I just hope this gives me closure if anything else. It's time to focus on myself.

 

very mature of you, and glad you pay attention to us

 

but, i'd skip the flowers and letter, and definitely don't give her an "open invitation".

 

she knows how you feel, you don't need to make it obvious to her. again, that's just my opinion, and i know you're just wanting to be nice, just majority of experience is doing all those things really don't matter to them.

[Jester5510]

very mature of you, and glad you pay attention to us

 

but, i'd skip the flowers and letter, and definitely don't give her an "open invitation".

 

she knows how you feel, you don't need to make it obvious to her. again, that's just my opinion, and i know you're just wanting to be nice, just majority of experience is doing all those things really don't matter to them.

 

Too late, unfortunately. I sent everything this morning before reading this. As I said, I'm not expecting her to come back. If she does in the future, would I accept? Of course--cautiously and slowly and guarded. Thus the line, "If you ever decide in the future to contact me and give it another shot, feel free to do so". Not necessarily a true open invitation, but showing that I'll be open to the idea.

 

The flowers and letter aren't in hopes of her appreciating them. It's to make me feel better about it knowing I did one truly nice last thing before she's out of my life for good. Water under the bridge at this point. She'll get them tomorrow morning. Ah well.