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Looking for a female perspective, Girlfriend says she needs a break...


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

 
 
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Old 6th December 2011, 3:24 PM   #1
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Looking for a female perspective, Girlfriend says she needs a break...

I'll try to keep this as short as possible but want to include all the details so please bear with me! I know that there are a lot of 'He/She says he/she needs a break' posts out there but I feel that my situation is somewhat unique (Because the relationship has had zero problems and we already spend extended periods of time apart due to work) and would appreciate any feedback.

My girlfriend (25yo) of a year and a half showed up at my (30yo) door a month ago in tears and basically blurted out that she felt like she needed a 'break' from our relationship. This came out of nowhere (at least for me), we even had a nice dinner and great evening together the very night before and I didn't sense anything being wrong. She was very upset and crying and after the shock wore off I was in tears too. She told me that she felt like she has been in a relationship all her life and hasn't had any time to herself. When I met her, she was only a couple of months out of a 5 year relationship and indicated at the time that she wasn't looking for anything serious but we really connected and developed a serious relationship within a few months.

We spend a great deal of time traveling separately for work and her decision to take a break came only a few days before I was set to leave for a month overseas. She would also soon be leaving for business and due to conflicting schedules, best case we'd see each other in 2.5 months but worst case (though unlikely) we'd be looking at 5 months apart. It is rare that we ever have to spend this much time apart but it has happened once before (3 months) and I thought we did a really good job of emailing/talking on the phone while we were apart however my girlfriend recently said she agreed that we did a good job but finds this very difficult and doesn't feel like it's a healthy relationship when we're only talking over the phone.

She said that the main reasons for wanting a break was so she could have some time to herself to feel independent, find herself, and not feel responsibility to maintain a relationship while on the road. I expressed clearly that I didn't want a break but told her I understood where she was coming from and would try and support her. She also mentioned worries about the future, where my job may take me (namely away from her) and her interest to go back to school probably in a different city than the one we're living in now (FYI we don't live together). This exposes the only real underlying problem that it now turns out we have in our relationship, the fact that we haven't talked about the future a whole lot in detail. And probably haven't communicated on a deep level as much as we should have in a relationship of over a year. It shocked me to hear that she assumed the worst: At some point I would leave her to follow my work and at some point she would need to leave me to go to school! We have never discussed this though (I now see how the lacking communication here is a serious problem) and I tried to reassure her that for any future plans I have considered for myself, I have always considered how she would fit in and vice versa.

After a long talk (about some things that were long over due) we parted ways. She asked about staying in contact and I originally said no, it would be too hard for me, but changed my mind after a week and now we talk once a week or so. We agreed that we wouldn't see anyone else while on our break and said that the next time we see each other 2.5 months to 5 months from now, we'd revisit the relationship. Or she said that as soon as she knows for sure how she feels she'll let me know.

It has been a month of hell for me so far and I'm just feeling so confused and unable to relate to the feelings she's experiencing. Of course my imagination has been getting the best of me and I often find myself thinking of only worst case scenarios and worrying a lot.

Thoughts?
Am I fooling myself thinking that she'll sort things out and want to continue the relationship?
Should I try to talk to her about future plans/feelings/etc now or wait until we meet up to revisit the relationship? (My worry here is that I really want to give her her space and not badger her with my worries)
I'm also worried that she may just be trying to let me down easy (though I really have no reason to) and am thinking I should just confront her with that and give her an out if she wants it? (Again though, I don't want to upset her and push her away or make her feel like I'm not supporting her with the space she has asked for)

Wow, that was way too long! I'm sorry but it's also good to get it off my chest. Please let me know if you have any feedback or advise for me/us.

Thank you very much!
standupguy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th December 2011, 4:31 PM   #2
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when you ask for a break it is ussually to sort yourself out. She may feel overworked and not capable of a relationship. She maybe unsure of you, true... but one thing for sure is if you dont give her space you will either push her away as I did when my separated husband who asked for space, I became needy and he found another woman. Or she will give into you and not want to, so the same thing will happen again soon or further down the road. Be patiant and think reverse psycology. Hopefully she will miss you if you give her space and no contact.
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Old 6th December 2011, 4:32 PM   #3
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Although I'm not a female, I can certainly give you a male's perspective as I've gone though now 3 breaks with the same woman.

Start NC. You can't give someone space and give her time to miss you if you check in once weekly. She made the decision to put your relationship on hold so that she can sort out her feelings and see if it's worth it, so give her more space than she's comfortable with. Remember, she hurt you by asking for this out of nowhere, right?

No begging, Be polite if she contacts you, but don't go out of your way. Mine completely snapped at me the other night during NC and called our relationship 'superfluous', so that tells me all i need to hear.

Treat it as if it's already over with, so that way you're ahead of the game if she hits you in a few weeks with "it's over. i met someone else but couldn't tell you." Good luck.
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Old 6th December 2011, 4:32 PM   #4
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You have already botched this...we all do at first. Call her and tell her that you're going to start seeing other people and to not contact you AT ALL: because she has been already. Do not listen to anything she says.

Go no contact, it is over. Her interest is gone. Your best bet is a lot more time apart than you think. Gather your self-respect and end it.
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Old 6th December 2011, 4:45 PM   #5
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Sorry no female here but Oh No the dreaded I need a break/space saying,, I have to somewhat agree,, she's interested in someone else.

My ex. told me the same thing then 1 week later I was history. When people are struggeling,hurting whatever they want their g/f,,b/f to be there for them to comfort them,, to have someone to lean on not "I need a break" from you.

I hope I'm wrong but............
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Old 6th December 2011, 4:52 PM   #6
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my ex went on a break. then said she dosn't know if she coming back. then kissed her ex twice. then came back to me after 2 weeks. then left me for him 2 months later.
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Old 6th December 2011, 4:53 PM   #7
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Well sometimes it just means isolation tendencies. My first bit of advice was brief. I think you would do well to do what I suggested because it tests her and shows your strength WHILE you start moving on now.
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Old 6th December 2011, 4:54 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by punkinless View Post
my ex went on a break. then said she dosn't know if she coming back. then kissed her ex twice. then came back to me after 2 weeks. then left me for him 2 months later.
And I though my ex. was screwed up,lol.
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Old 6th December 2011, 4:54 PM   #9
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2.5 to 5 months is not a long time considering that this may be the person you will spend your lifetime with. You've managed a month and the time will fly by really it will.

No one can predict the outcome here. If she agreed to not see anyone while away from you take it as a positive sign.

Although I've never asked any one for a break from the relationship I understand someone needing one.

What's best here is for you just to wait. In calling her or discussing the future with her you are telling her that you don't trust her and her choices and she will only resent you for you not allowing her to be her. By giving the person space it shows them that you respect them. Women really need to feel this.
Christmas is coming so if you don't hear from her then...then you have a problem. Who doesn't want to wish the person they love a Merry Christmas...assuming of course that you observe this holiday.
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Old 6th December 2011, 5:04 PM   #10
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sug,

i know that you asked for a female perspective so my apologies for jumping in here as a guy. but i have been exactly in your shoes and know how you are feeling. it is one of those wtf situations that you are going through so i know your head has been spinning. you are asking yourself how could she want to be away from me, everthing was/is great. i treat her so well, we never have bad fights, we have some things that need to be worked out but i know if we talked them out things would be ok.


there are several key points that you made that direct me where i think her head is. specifically when you said when you guys got together she had just come out of a five year relationship. then you two have been together for another year and a half. so in essence she has been with two guys in a six and a half year period.


the next point that is important is that it came out of nowhere. it usually does in this situation. the problem here is that they do not want to hurt you but trust me she has been thinking about this for some time. she just really did not want to hurt you.


the last thing that i want to mention is the fact that she mentioned that she wanted a "break". you will find that when this term is mentioned that usually means that a break really means a break up but the term is much easier for them. i hope i am wrong but i want you to be prepared for the worst.

you need to take a look a a few threads out here. find the "gigs" thread under "homebrews" posts and have a read of it. this is just a suggestion as i want you to come to your own conclusions on things but it sounds like this is what's going on with your ex.

lastly, let her be. as you saw from other posters it is time to go no contact. this is another thread that you need to find out here and read. it is not for getting her back, it is to start getting you in a better place given what you are going through. this now has become about you and not her. you have to take control of your life and thinking of her is not part of it. really you don't want to know what is going on with her. you can't take it at this time. there will be things that you don't want to know about. don't put yourself in a situation to find out. she may want to talk with you. she may want to be friends. this is about her not you. friends may come later. not now. she will feel guilty and her contact will be nothing more than breadcrumbs to make her feel better. this will do nothing more than fuel the "hope" fire that you are dealing with. any contact you have will put you in a position where you will try and interpret any and everything in a positive light. just be aware of this. most everthing that she says will be nothing more than a way for her to feel better. do not read into anything that she says.

i know you are hurting. i and many others out here have been through this. we are getting through this and so will you. it will take some strength and smarts on your part but you will be ok. good luck.
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Old 6th December 2011, 7:06 PM   #11
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hi, you said you needed a female perspective. here it is:

when someone says they want a break it means they don't know how to tell you the relationship is over. But it's definitely OVER. People who say they need a break are f##king cowards. once you hear the 'i need a break' line you should immediately disappear without a trace, never make or take calls to/from her, and drop off the face of the earth so you can regroup and recover.

Even if by disappearing and going complete NC hurts you intensely, it will also serve to do one of two things to your ex: hurt her too since you're not giving her the chance to see you vulnerable or in a degrading position where you want her. by pursuing an ex when they just dumped you only allows them to reaffirm with themselves that they made the right decision because of how pathetic you're acting and helps them to get over you much faster.

or going into intense and unrelenting NC might even make them miss you which will inspire a slew of insincere phone calls or texts to see 'how you're doing' but what it's really designed for is to get you to reply to them and if you do, you're no longer missed or a mystery to them, and therefore confirms they made the right decision in breaking up with you. it's f##ked up but i've discovered most dumper patterns are easy to predict. you really never want to respond to an ex unless they're knocking at your door or leaving sincere voice mails.

Last edited by fiat500; 6th December 2011 at 7:11 PM..
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Old 6th December 2011, 7:29 PM   #12
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My sincerest thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond. I appreciate all of the feedback and 'tough love'.

What an internal struggle, I hate the feeling of being in limbo yet just can't bring myself to tell her that it's over and let go of that hope that things will work out.

The no contact advice is good and I have been doing my best. In almost all contact we have had she has been the one to reach out to me but I agree that she may be using our contact to feel better about herself.

Oh how easy it is to wish that you are the exception to the rule when in all probability you are the rule.

Any more female perspective would be appreciated but thanks to everyone who has given feedback.
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Old 6th December 2011, 7:56 PM   #13
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Taking a break = Breaking up.

Don't kid yourself. I mean, come on. She's going to see other people if she hasn't already. What the hell would you need a break if you already knew you two were going to be apart anyways. There's the break..a temporary LDR. She wants to be free from the relationship to see other people, then after her travels are done, she comes back home to her back-up plan which is you. And if you find out that she slept with half the country, well guess what! You can't get mad because, "we were on a break, so it wasn't cheating!" don't you love technicalities!

Last edited by Chi townD; 6th December 2011 at 8:02 PM..
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Old 6th December 2011, 8:24 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chi townD View Post
Taking a break = Breaking up.

Don't kid yourself. I mean, come on. She's going to see other people if she hasn't already. What the hell would you need a break if you already knew you two were going to be apart anyways. There's the break..a temporary LDR. She wants to be free from the relationship to see other people, then after her travels are done, she comes back home to her back-up plan which is you. And if you find out that she slept with half the country, well guess what! You can't get mad because, "we were on a break, so it wasn't cheating!" don't you love technicalities!

Im quoting this. Break equals slow breakup. This is the truth, and this is how it always goes. She never gave you a real reason that she lost her attraction to you. Its something you did, but she isnt going to tell you what it is. It has nothing to do with her being in a relationship all her life. Because right now, theres another guy that shes looking at to start another relationship.

So dont talk to her, she lost it for you and wont come back, at l;east not for good, not while you still want her. Talking to her wont put you any closer to her. Cut her off completely, or if you are going to talk to her, make her tell you what you did to turn her off permanently. It should be a list of things that she hid from you.
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Old 6th December 2011, 8:46 PM   #15
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I should add that as cruel irony to the no contact scenario, our work, instead of keeping us apart, could potentially bring us together for some time after Christmas and I'd be forced into contact with her for a week or two. We are both capable of being professional about things but there could be unavoidable contact. Thoughts on whether this would disrupt any previous no contact that I try?

Being as we're definitely apart until after Christmas and I don't want to break up with her/discuss these serious issues over the phone, I suppose I have no choice but to wait anyway and keep as little contact as possible until we meet face to face.
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