LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Breaks and Breaking Up

What a dumper feels.....


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Like Tree5Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 5th December 2011, 6:20 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 898
What a dumper feels.....

I saw this somewhere else and thought it might be good to discuss
I just read a relationship book by a well-known psychologist (Dr. Bonnie Weil). Very interesting! She says that during the first few weeks of a breakup from a VIABLE long-term relationship (one year or longer) where feelings seemed to have changed, the "dumper" feels mostly RELIEF (they've had a difficult decision hanging over their head for some time, but now they've made it and the pressure is off) and GUILT for hurting the "dumpee".

To help themselves get over the guilt, they keep telling themselves and everyone else that they're sure they made the right decision. They need to convince themselves of this. If they started second-guessing themselves at this point it would only add to their guilt, and this is the last thing they want.

She also says that although the dumper STARTS to miss you within the first couple of weeks, it normally takes about 6 to 8 weeks for the feelings of missing you to REALLY start setting in, AS LONG AS THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT PURSUE.

It's only after about two months that they really start experiencing the reality and the void of what life is like without you, and their true feelings begin to slowly surface. Gradually their mind starts to wonder whether they really did make the right decision.

This can take another couple of months, and it's only then that they can consciously open themselves up to the possibility of reconciliation. Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up either because of not enough attention by the dumpee or too much attention (neediness).

This just shows that it takes considerable time for the dumper to process their feelings and thoughts. If the process is forced it can be stopped dead in its tracks and even revert to earlier stages.

I think it happens even slower if they rebound. I would say 6-8 months in these cases.

They will miss you but it doesn't mean they will come back so move on in the meantime.
smokey bear is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th December 2011, 6:23 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 898
I do believe it rings some truth, the last experience i had of being a dumper i came back after 8 month because i missed him truly.

He persued me the whole time and i had a rebound.

Had he not persued i would probably have came back sooner.

Any others who can share stories i'd like to hear opinions.

This isnt a hope thread its a compilation of peoples experiences to see if a pattern occurs so please no hope bashers or negative posters.
smokey bear is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th December 2011, 6:38 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,625
Quote:
Originally Posted by smokey bear View Post
I saw this somewhere else and thought it might be good to discuss
I just read a relationship book by a well-known psychologist (Dr. Bonnie Weil). Very interesting! She says that during the first few weeks of a breakup from a VIABLE long-term relationship (one year or longer) where feelings seemed to have changed, the "dumper" feels mostly RELIEF (they've had a difficult decision hanging over their head for some time, but now they've made it and the pressure is off) and GUILT for hurting the "dumpee".

To help themselves get over the guilt, they keep telling themselves and everyone else that they're sure they made the right decision. They need to convince themselves of this. If they started second-guessing themselves at this point it would only add to their guilt, and this is the last thing they want.

She also says that although the dumper STARTS to miss you within the first couple of weeks, it normally takes about 6 to 8 weeks for the feelings of missing you to REALLY start setting in, AS LONG AS THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT PURSUE.

It's only after about two months that they really start experiencing the reality and the void of what life is like without you, and their true feelings begin to slowly surface. Gradually their mind starts to wonder whether they really did make the right decision.

This can take another couple of months, and it's only then that they can consciously open themselves up to the possibility of reconciliation. Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up either because of not enough attention by the dumpee or too much attention (neediness).

This just shows that it takes considerable time for the dumper to process their feelings and thoughts. If the process is forced it can be stopped dead in its tracks and even revert to earlier stages.

I think it happens even slower if they rebound. I would say 6-8 months in these cases.

They will miss you but it doesn't mean they will come back so move on in the meantime.
Good thread and info. What's your opinion on a case like mine or others in a similar situation.

What if you were a rebound guy/girl and after dating for almost a year you get dumped because the go back to the ex.

Does all above apply,, time,feelings??
mike588 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th December 2011, 9:07 PM   #4
Established Member
 
motive2002's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: The friend-zone
Posts: 1,567
Your mileage will definitely vary, and each case is unique.

My ex, for example is extremely decisive. I know that when she made her mind up to dump me, it was a done deal.
I think I fall into the clinginess dept. I had false hope for a bit that if I did NC, she would miss me and want me back. BZZZT! Wrong answer!

My ex has this habit of jumping from one guy to the next. By the time she gets to "missing me", if she ever does at all, it will be way, way too late. The damage is done. She blindsided me and I'd be a complete fool to ever take her back.

Just playing devil's advocate here. They dumped you for a reason. They may not have given you the specific reason, or reasons, but unless you transform into a completely different human being, those reasons may still be your ultimate undoing.

Best bet is to move on with your life without them.
__________________
Yeah, it's like that.
motive2002 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th December 2011, 12:54 AM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 14
Very good and informative post. I can bet there's a lit of dumpees who truly DO NOT want their exs back, but rather find ways to cope as to why the person they onced loved can all of a sudden treat the dumpees as if they never mattered. Most people on here just want the dumpers to at least be somewhat humane. Dumpers have the right to dump if they no longer love that person anymore. But it's mean and almost cruel for a dumper to move on with life so quickly and treat the ex as yesterdays news in which they toss out. Anyways, ur post gave people like me a more comforting feeling that we didn't once love complete monsters.
reallypo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th December 2011, 1:22 AM   #6
Established Member
 
BoredAgain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 318
I've never dumped anyone, but I always imagined it being a much more emotionally intense version of turning somebody down.

There was a moment in high school where, inexplicably, all these female friends of mine confided that they had a crush on me. To this day I have no idea why it happened, but it seemed that every week I'd have to tell a girl, "I'm sorry, I just don't feel the same way." All my male friends were jealous (and as flabbergasted as I was), but I remember it just felt completely awful. I felt horribly guilty for hurting these girls (who were friends of mine) and I second-guessed myself more than a few times.
BoredAgain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th December 2011, 2:14 AM   #7
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: VA
Posts: 2,761
dumper dumpee is a relative term. In most of these relationships, the outcome would have been the same. I have been a dumper before, hurt the same as when I was a dumpee.
wilsonx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th December 2011, 3:22 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 694
Its starting to hit home now - I was the dumper - 4 weeks NC after a long term relationship.

I didnt think it would be this painful. I know it was the right decision - I was being disrespected daily, and the last night I spent with her was horrific, with low insults and abuse, but I wasnt innocent either.

I guess if there had been something, anything from her which suggested that she may have done something wrong, I may have stayed a little longer, but she lashed out and blamed me for everything.

It's not going to be easy. I have gone on one date and slept with someone but it made things worse. Guess I just gotta hold NC. I feel like the dumpee even though I was the dumper!
robaday is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th December 2011, 4:09 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 319
Quote:
Originally Posted by smokey bear View Post
Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up either because of not enough attention by the dumpee or too much attention (neediness).

Does this mean the break up HAS to be either not enough attention or too much attention..? Or does it mean the reason of the break up CANNOT be either of these..?

First, rite after the break up, she got another guy... Kept telling her friends that it's really over between me and her... Kept telling her best friend how happy she feels in her current relationship... And yea... It sounds like she is trying to convince herself more...

This whole timing thing seems true in my case... My ex (dumper) came and told me the break up really hits her after 2months after the break up... Said she never thought she could be so attached to our relationship...
Koans likes this.
silly_panda is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th December 2011, 5:47 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 898
ok, firstly rebounds are a lost cause, i dont think many rebounds get a second chance because the feelings were infactuation not real love.

SSorry but i just think when a rebound is over its over.

Secondly its more the time issue i wanted to focus on here, talking to a few members who have ex's breaking nc, they are all at about the 6 month mark and i was wondering if this post would ring true, again anyone with dumper experience, i would like to hear some imput.

Remember even though your a dumpee, you might have been a dumper at some point, think back to that situation.
smokey bear is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th December 2011, 6:03 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 898
Quote:
Originally Posted by silly_panda View Post
Does this mean the break up HAS to be either not enough attention or too much attention..? Or does it mean the reason of the break up CANNOT be either of these..?

First, rite after the break up, she got another guy... Kept telling her friends that it's really over between me and her... Kept telling her best friend how happy she feels in her current relationship... And yea... It sounds like she is trying to convince herself more...

This whole timing thing seems true in my case... My ex (dumper) came and told me the break up really hits her after 2months after the break up... Said she never thought she could be so attached to our relationship...

The reason can be anything as long as it wasnt domestic violence etc.

I think the reason it takes longer with a rebound or gigs guy/girl, they have someone to comfort them and mask the reality of their decision and they wont begin to feel any remorse until they are alone. Then months would have gone by and You would have been moving on with your life while they just begin to feel the effects of both break ups. They either come back to make up or go for a 3rd rebound so they don't have to face the real word again.
smokey bear is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th December 2011, 7:03 AM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 217
What about after short term relationships? The kind that are really intense and you hangout pretty much everyday/ all day?
YouNeverKnow86 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th December 2011, 7:18 AM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 62
I'd like to think that my ex would miss me, but he didnt have a glint of sadness when we parted ways.

He has since moved into a really nice new apartment and is enjoying the high life with all his new friends and the people he would flirt continuously with while i sit here and grieve the loss of the relationship.

As stated in the original post, the best is to move on
foolishlover is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th December 2011, 7:25 AM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: usa
Posts: 288
Interesting post Smokey. As you know and commented on my thread yesterday, she broke no contact right at the six month mark. Wow. And it was a lame excuse I feel. She could have just e mailed me. And I know she has been full of guilt. She left to be with her boss. Maybe reality is setting in now of what she lost.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t302201/
stunned8165 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th December 2011, 9:06 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 898
as it says in the original post, this only applies to long term relationships, short term relationships its a case of he's not that into you or you have been a rebound or your not compatible, sorry.
smokey bear is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
To know what a Dumper feels LSgirl Breaks and Breaking Up 13 27th October 2011 5:27 PM
It feels so BAD to be the dumper :,( Marina09 Breaks and Breaking Up 4 1st March 2010 10:17 PM
BLAH! A taste of what it feels like to be the dumper. tokyovogue Breaks and Breaking Up 16 29th December 2008 12:37 PM
Gunny, legs..it Feels good but part of it feels wrong stanchain Separation and Divorce 7 7th February 2007 10:28 AM
Why someone DUMPS and how a Dumper Feels???? greenhorn Coping 50 11th December 2005 7:26 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 2:27 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.