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How do I act?!?! Help!


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Ok, so Im seeing my ex. Staying the night actually. Im in his town for school and he offered me a bed for the night cos its so far from home. I accepted. Im already nervous!!!!

 

I want this guy back! So how should I act, say, do???????????????????? PLEASE HELP!!!!!!

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How about a bit more background? How old are you both, how long together, how far did you go, why did you break up, how long ago was it, any third parties involved, why do you want him back?

 

Then I can help.

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Well we were together for a year, very much in love. As far as I know there is no third party, he isnt seeing anybody else yet. We only broke up four weeks ago, but when I see him it will be about 5 or 6. He broke it off with me because of distance and timing and in his eyes it wasnt working. I do want him back yes, because I am absolutely head over heels in love with him! I would do anything for another chance.

 

He has told me that he still loves me.

 

Does that make it easier to advise?!!

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It helps, but I still need to know your ages. Also, can you talk about what your relationship was like before the breakup? How did you both feel, and what were the problems you had?

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Originally posted by lovehurts

Well we were together for a year, very much in love. As far as I know there is no third party, he isnt seeing anybody else yet. We only broke up four weeks ago, but when I see him it will be about 5 or 6. He broke it off with me because of distance and timing and in his eyes it wasnt working. I do want him back yes, because I am absolutely head over heels in love with him! I would do anything for another chance.

 

He has told me that he still loves me.

 

Does that make it easier to advise?!!

 

You need to know exactly what 'in his eyes' was not working and what he thinks it would take to change that.

 

You say you would do anything for another chance. Would you drop everything where you live now and move closer to him? Are you in school? Would you transfer to a school near him? Quit your job? Leave your family?

 

If this is what he needs from you then he is not worth it -- you will lose yourself entirely.

 

Perhaps his offer is because he does still care and love you and is interested in working things out and getting back together. You two need to TALK and LISTEN to each other and really really really be realistic about what it will take from each of you to make the relationship work out.

 

Then you have to look at your current employment/living/school situation and when it will realistically change. When you graduate -- how long will that be?

 

Also - who initiated the contact where he said you could stay at his place? Did you call him and hint around and maybe he is just feeling sorry for you?

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Solemate - I am 20 he is 28. The relationship was amazing but of course it had its ups and downs. When he broke it off I guess we were in a downer. He lives a long way away preventing us seeing each other only on weekends and his work takes up most of his time. It always has. He had been going through a very stressful time with a lot of issues in his life, especcially work and (believe me I do regret this!) became a little demanding for his time and felt a lot of insecurity because of the distance and lack of time ect. Basically I didnt feel as if i was important to him. I should have supported him better during this time, I know this now!!!!!! Trust me, I do regret it, i think i messed up. But he basically said it was too hard and at this stage in his life thinks he has made the right decision. I know we still love each other very much.

 

Errol - I love this guy with all of me. I think he knows that I would move to where he is if he wanted me to. My uni is down there and Im not too happy in my job here. It wouldnt be much effort for me to do it, because I want to be there with him. We have had minimal contact since we broke up. He was going to drop by my house the other day but it was too late by the time he finished dinner with friends, so he sent me a text asking if we could catch up next week. I thought it was too soon, so I just told him of my plans of being down his way to see my friends from school. He then said, that if you want to have a few drinks, you are welcome to stay at my place.

He is a good guy and I think offered that to me just out of kindness, and I dont think he wants to burn any bridges!!! We love being around each other, its so comfortable, fun just perfect when we do!!!

 

Im not going to contact him before then. Hopefully he will miss me!!!

 

Im just not sure what to do!!!!

 

Thanks for your help

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Act cool. Friendly, but indifferent. Desperation is UGLY to anyone. If he knows that all he has to do is cough and you will leap back into bed with him, it will only either put him off you or be tempted to take advantage. It will not make him attracted to you again. If he asks what you have been doing, make sure you've been busy but do NOT drop hints about giving up work in the hope he will ask you to move in with him.

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I know he is still attracted to me. That isnt the issue.

 

I think that he is a little confused about the whole situation at this point in time. I know he has been thinking of me. I just think that this night is THE breaker!! Its up to this, i think, to see if he does want to be with me or not.

 

I wont be acting desperate and wont bring the relationship up, or getting back together. I know that would be sucicide. Im just not sure how to approach it otherwise!!!!!!! Im already nervous just thinking about it!

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blimey girl, i dont think i could have met up with an ex to stay at their place under these circumstances and NOT appear desperate - youre a brave one!

 

i know you know this, but you HAVE to, absolutely HAVE to stay cool and dont have expectations of the meeting, you have absolutely no idea whats going to happen, but you have total control over how you act & react.

 

go with the intention of enjoying his company. did you used to do anything together, like playing cards/chess/monopoly or something that will help ease any tension and give you both something fun to focus on? it would help take the pressure off

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So you think that because I took him up on his offer I am appearing desperate???

 

 

When it does happen, eventhough Im doubting my decision now (its either stay at his house, or stay with people I hardly know!) I think that it may be a little awkward for the first ten minutes of so. But after that it will be fine. There wont be any pressure, it will be fun! We will just watch a movie or something, Im not afraid of us not getting along, thats impossible! :)

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nope, i meant i would be not able to control myself.

 

you have the perfect attitude, you sound v strong and capable of handling your emotions. have you considered all possibilities, even those that sound impossible and how you will feel if it actually does happen? just make sure you are prepared for anything, the worst of the worst to the best of the best. i was going to stay with my ex in the US and he asked me how i would feel if we went for a drink and he went off with some girl whil ei was there, thats a bit extreme and it sealed my decision not to go, but he kinda has a point.

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I do know that I have to act cool and I will. Its easy around him anyway, we get along famously!

 

But I do want this guy back. I think this night will make up his mind about us completely. Whether he wants to be with me or not. So Im not sure how to act to make him want me back!!! This is what Im struggling with!!

 

I guess I should just be myself, OH and look as stunning as possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Just be myself and act like a buddy!?!?!?

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OBVIOULSY look stunning!!! goes without saying!!maybe choose something to wear that will trigger a subconcious memory of a great night together - and smell is notorious for being a powerful memory trigger - do you have a fragrance you wore when you first started going out together thats different from the one you were wearing when things went wrong? i can be devious sometimes.

 

be yourself, like you were when he fell for you in the first place, you sound like a positive person and i bet he love dthat about you. maybe put a single photo of you together in your handbag and produce it saying look what i found the other night - is that a bit obvious? hmm. depends how the evening is going i guess.

 

think of good stuff you can talk about so you dont run dry and pick a comedy if you get a video.

 

when are you seeing him?

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Hehe!

 

I agree with everything you said! Just have to make him see that although he crushed my heart into a million pieces Im still the girl he fell for!!

 

Im seeing him in two weeks...

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thats ace!! am impressed - you wont be kept down for long will you!

 

met him a month ago, hes completely beautiful and SUCH good company - hes a bit younger than me but OMG, hes an absolute work of art. keep wanting to swoon at his feet. he faints at the sight of blood and says 'innit' (hes a londoner - im a northerner), he's shy and modest, all his friends go to him for advice - oo and his friends LOVE me. i am great tho - hahaha.

 

i am excited now!!

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I just have to add something. Whatever you do, DON'T HOOK UP with him if you have the opportunity. Do everything else everyone said, look good, be nice, etc. but don't hook up. You're not going to drive him away by not hooking up, but you very well could drive crazy for it, which will give you much better results.

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So I have made some decisions and need your guys input. Thanks.

 

Im not going to talk to him at all up until this meeting. Even if he contacts me, which he said he would, I shouldn't respond. Giving him time to miss me and wonder about me. Do you think that this is a good idea??

 

Also, I am dealing with the break up quite well. The first few weeks were torture and I was a mess but now I have snapped out of it and am moving on. Is it wrong to think of this meeting as a decider for him??? After six weeks apart and minimal contact, surely he would know what is in his heart. Will I be able to tell if he is regreting his decision??

 

Thanks guys, youre the best

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hi lovehurts - you still sound good - adda girl.

 

'Is it wrong to think of this meeting as a decider for him??? After six weeks apart and minimal contact, surely he would know what is in his heart' - remember what i said about expectations? you cant think of this meeting as anything from his perspective - you only have control over how you can act and behave. Try not to think of what you want him to do - if he does it differently you'll be disappointed.

 

keep it breezy if you have any contact with him, youll have to speak to him to make arrangements, so be cool with him, as i know you will be, and have the conversation you have to then finish the chat before you talk about anything else, your job, what youve been up to etc, dont - leave a bit of mystery there. say youve got friends over and get off the phone!!

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i keep saying things like that in the hope one day i will be able to follow my own advice. baaah. its sinking in, slowly.

 

any updates? has he been in contact yet?

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I know exactly what you mean!!!!

 

He hasnt been in contact, I heard from him 3 days ago he sent me a text just to check up on me.

 

:( nothing since then, doubt he will miss me :(

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