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Hi, Im sorry if this is a bit of a long read but I would really appreciate it if anyone could give me some advice on the situation I now find myself in.

 

Ive been broken up from my girlfriend of just over 4 months about 1 week now. Everything seemed to be going well, she professed to love me more than I could ever know and wanted to be with me. I have known her for many years before we got together, and she has always been nothing but lovely and honest with me. She has had a bit of a rough time in life, and recently started hanging around with some new friends.

 

I discovered that she was seeing someone else behind my back by chance as I walked past her with another man in town. A truly horrible moment, especialy as she didnt stop and kept on walking even after she saw me and realised I was looking at her. She didnt seem to know what to do.

 

I controled my anger and carried on walking as I didnt know what else to do. I tried to call her shortly after but got no reply, so sent her a text saying that I took it that it was all over between us and could not beleive that she could treat me this way.

 

I was so angry, I went home and packed up a few things that she had left at my house and dropped them off at her sisters then text her to let her know what I had done. I eventualy got a text saying her phone was on silent, that she was sorry she hadnt told me about her new boyfriend. She said she thought we had been spending too much time together as I clearly didnt want a relationship with her - something that is completely untrue as I dearly love her and wanted to be with her.

 

Later that day I realised that she still has a key to my house and a few dvds of mine so I sent a text asking for them back. I got a strange reply saying ok and that she didnt know why I was acting so bothered!:confused: I replied asking how could she possibly not think that I would be upset at her seeing someone behind my back, and that I could not belive how heartless she was!

 

I then went NC and left her alone for a week as I realised there was nothing I could do anymore. At first the anger made this very easy for me to do, but the anger has worn off now leaving me so sad and upset which makes it much harder not to get in contact.

 

Yesterday I decided that as I hadnt had my key or things returned to break NC and request their return so that I could get full closure on the relationship. I suggested leaving them with someone for me to collect or for someone else to drop them off. She replied saying ok but that she couldnt get hold of her friend who lives at the end of my road to arrange it. This sounded plausible but given how many friends live localy it some how felt like a bit of an excuse not to. So I then sugested that since her friends house is so close she may as well just drop them off in the porch of my house whilst I was out at work. This prompted a reply of "oh dont worry I'll sort something out...", yet again it somehow feelt like a delaying tactic.

 

I decided at this point I wasnt going to get any usefull progress. As I didnt want to end everything on a bad note I told her I didnt hate her and that it was a shame whats happened then wished her well in life. She replyed very quickly saying not to worry about my key and that she would still like to see me?!! I told her that would not be healthy and would be unfair on her new boyfriend. she then stated that she could see anyone she wanted and no one could tell her otherwise?!!! I restated that it wasnt appropriate and told her goodbye and good luck.

 

I have returned to NC but I really dont know whats happening or what to do.:( I do love her dearly even though I have had my trust betrayed. If she was to confess to having made a mistake sometime soon Id probably take her back as I would like to make it work between us.

 

Part of me thinks that she doesnt want to return my belongings as its some kind of link to me - a sort of safety blanket excuse to contact me if things go wrong with her new guy. If it does make her feel like theres still an opening in the door Im reluctant to take it away because Im not against trying reconciliation.

 

But on the other hand I'd find it much easier to move on if I could get my things back because then I would be confident that it was all over between us.

 

I would like to try and get her back but dont know what to do to acheive that. It feels as if she still has feelings for me even though she is seeing someone else due to her desire to be able to see me.

 

Should I try contacting her and request my things again and take away all links in the hope she sees I am moving on and realises what shes lost?

 

Or should I stay in no contact and hope in leaving her to it she realises the grass is not greener and wants to come back?

 

How do I let her know how much she does mean to me without pushing her further away?

 

Thank you for your time if you managed to read through all of the above.:)

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Hi! First of all, I'm sorry you were treated the way you've written above. You seem to think rationally about the situation, and that ambiguous feeling of on the one hand thinking there's a link remaining so long she's got your keys, and on the other you just want them back in order to get closure is understandable.. I don't know in how far I can give you any advice, but from what can be derived is that she has some mental issues going on in which you don't want to get mixed up. She sounds like a person who is more likely to drag you into a negative spiral than offer you anything positive. But then again, it's hard when you love someone, you tend to don't care about how complicated they are.

 

I'd say if she doesn't come up with a very good excuse within a certain time limit as to why she's treated you this way, try and forget she ever existed for now and move on, or that's what I would do anyway.

 

Good luck and feel well soon!

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You're situation is unfair. I think you may be on to something, her keeping you things as a safety blanket.

 

I think the best bet is NC. She has been having her cake and eating it too, and thats not cool. She knows how you feel about her so there is no need to tell her. But you need to stop enabling her to have both. NC my friend.

 

Good luck.

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Thank you both for your replys. Its always good to get as many different opinions as possible, and god knows Im certainly not thinking straight at the moment so it realy helps!

 

She does have a bit of a history of bad luck but also mistreatment from previous boyfriends, which probably doesnt really help matters. Whilst there is the element of playing with fire by being with her, she is so utterly lovely and will always put others before herself. This is why I was so taken aback by what happened, maybe I did something or behaved in a way that triggered some recolection to past relationships - who knows, but it was out of charachter

 

I think your right in that I should expcect a good explanation, and that my best course of action is to remain in NC.

 

Thank you for help.

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Well I deciced to send her one last message in realtion to getting my things back. I said if I saw her friend that I would try and get her to arange getting my things back, but that I wasnt being nasty about it and cared for her more than she thought I did.

 

Hopefully this will make her realise I do want to move on and she'll loose me as a saftey blanket, but also leave the door open to her in some ways hopefully without pushing her away by being too needy.

 

Dont know as it will do any good though. All I can do now is leave her to it and stay in NC. I just feel so helpless about it all.

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Saw her friend who lives near me today and got talking to her. Shes chasing up getting my things back for me. Apparently shes going to drop them off at some point this week.

 

All a bit vauge, and to be honest I think Id rather it was all sorted as soon as possible. Come to the conclusion that there realy is nothing I can do so want to draw a line under it all and cut contact. Its all a bit of a shame.

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You need to bail on her, shes a manipulative person.

 

There's blatant gaslighting with all things she said. Its ridiculous. I read this and everything said and I /facepalm myself.

 

If you can't see the gaslighting/manipulation, let me know and Ill be happy to point it out for you.

 

 

Click on gaslighting to learn more about it.

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