Immature, gigs, cheating… (long)

[DownNotOut]

My Story:

I’m 36, successfully self-employed went through a brutal divorce in 2005 – took a few years to get over and fully heal then out of the blue when I least expected it met the most amazing ‘girl’ and we instantly fell in love. She’s 24, beautiful, and we had similar interests across the board – music, sports, adventure, family. She has a beautiful 2 ½ year old daughter (came into my life when she was 1) who I instantly fell in love with and the whole relationship seemed so absolutely perfect – I’ve always wanted a family and never met the right girl and now I had an instant family. The rub is, she was just coming out of a relationship, and we got together right away. I was concerned with rebound – but she swore up and down that he was a jerk and treated her badly; he is also her daughter’s father. He’s a nice kid, but kinda deadbeat – barely works, pays her $100/month in child support, lives with his mother or whoever he’s dating at the time – he got into another relationship also immediately after they split.

 

 

 

The first year of our relationship was the best year of my life – we initially lived 5 hours apart, but being self-employed I was able to basically move in with her and run back and forth if and when needed. I stayed with her basically all last summer and into the fall and then we discussed moving to my hometown (Chicago), I would support her and her daughter while she finished her degree. In December – we did just that – all the while talked about marriage, more kids, etc. once she finished her degree, which was only 2 years off.

 

 

After we moved in together, things slowly started to go downhill. The custody agreement was that we would meet every 2 weeks to exchange her daughter halfway for 1 week with her father, which wasn’t a problem… A couple months into that routine when we were heading over, she tells me – I have to be honest – I’ve been having feelings about my ex-boyfriend. I was devastated and told her after all that we had been through; I couldn’t believe she would say something like that to me. The following week she went home to see her family and she apologized for hurting me and told me she didn’t know what she was thinking. This was the only time she apologized to me during our relationship, which sadly I didn’t realize until over a year into it. We went on week vacation in the spring of this year and had an amazing time, although I found something after the fact.

 

 

Going into the summer, I saw changes in her and was suspicious of the way she was acting at times. I went through her phone, something I would never do because I think it’s a complete invasion of privacy, but did it to protect myself because I had suspicion and what I found was heartbreaking. Several messages with her best friend about – so he(me) doesn’t know?, I don’t think I want to be with him(me) everything he does annoys me and that her ex-boyfriend has a way of pulling her back in and she goes running back. Her best friend told her he’s selfish, doesn’t deserve her and the only good thing he gave her was her beautiful daughter. I went through her email and found pictures she sent her ex when we were on vacation – a solo shot of her at the beach and a boob shot. The weekend she left, I looked at my bill and there were about a thousand messages exchanged between her and her ex. We started having minor arguments – because I confronted her about how I didn’t think we was being honest with me and she denied, denied, denied – even know I already knew something was going on.

 

 

 

In August, she went back home again to see her family and I get a text message – “Hey – I think I’m just going to stay here, sorry things didn’t work out. Thank you for everything.” Again, devastated – I called her immediately and she turned from love to hate toward me and I saw her true colors come out. She didn’t give any clear answer as to why she did what she did, so I started down the road to find out myself. I called her ex’s girlfriend and she told me that they had an argument because she was texting him during the summer about how she wanted to move home and be a family, etc. She told me if it continued, she would forward the messages to me and how do you think he would feel about them, etc. Well long story short (not really – sorry) the three of them are now in a crazy love triangle battling for who will win the deadbeat loser. It turned very high-school and I was getting bombarded with text messages, phone calls, etc. about how could I dare call his girlfriend to get information – she’s full of s*t. I finally had enough –, blocked her number, and went LC for about the first month.

 

 

 

The first month was hell – she treated me like complete sh*t and then she turned all nice wanting me to help her move her things out of my house into storage so she could come get them. Granted I paid for storage, uhaul, cell phone bills and termination fees, diapers, gifts, trips, the list goes on. I sacrificed a lot to be with her, which I didn’t mind doing because I was so in love with her and her daughter. So, now her things sit in storage and I told her she needs to pay me back 1k, which doesn’t even scratch the surface, because I feel she moved down under false pretenses and frankly want to teach her a lesson that you don’t do that to people. Most of her things were in another storage unit in Michigan which I paid for and sent her everything when we initially split up – so I didn’t leave her high and dry with nothing.

 

 

It’s more of a principle thing really – I know she doesn’t have anything and is now working 2 jobs to keep everything together. All I really want at the end of the day is an apology and I would sent her the storage stuff – but she’s way too stubborn and I’m pretty sure I will never get one from her. She’s trying to wear me down and get her way, which I now see she is very good at – she’s a master manipulator and twists and turns situations to her advantage. So over the past month – I start getting phone calls and text messages from her family, friends, people I’ve never met etc. – please call her, sorry it didn’t work out let her get her things and move on. Frankly it’s none of their business and she needs to grow up and handle her own affairs.

 

 

I went NC 3 weeks ago and last week got a call from a lawyer, who we both know that helped us with the initial move. He’s a good guy and very fair and I talked to him and explained everything and told him she needed to pay me the 1k for the items I feel out of principle – he said she didn’t have a problem paying the storage in Chicago, Uhaul – but she didn’t have the money to pay the other things. I said well she can send me the $200 for that and then $100/month or whatever for the other stuff for the next 8 months. 1 week later, she hasn’t sent anything and I get another call from him today.

Sorry for the novel – the past 2 months have been tough, but I’m slowly getting there – still a roller coaster of emotions. I don’t know how somebody who claimed to have loved you, allowed you to fall in love with their daughter, move in together, talk marriage, kids, sacrifice to make them better can just dump you, by text message no less, after 1 ½ years together. I constantly have to remind myself that she was 24, I was probably a rebound, she had unresolved feelings for her ex (even know he’s a deadbeat loser), and she is confused. I’m just at a loss as to how someone can be such a cowardly cold hearted bit*h.

 

 

 

Thank you LS community – I’ve been lurking her for a while and finally posted my story – it has really helped me to read others stories, etc. I know I will bounce back from this, I’m just very hurt right now and would appreciate any and all criticism, input, etc. on how I should proceed and move forward.

[wilsonx]

Read this thread, If you do not see any red flags in it, come back in a month and reread it. Ive been through this type of relationship before but much worse mentally and I see the red flags almost instantly.

 

This is typical Captain Save a Hoe (caretaker) vs toxic person (GIGS jumper).

 

A few points, your never going to get an apology from her, ever. If you do, its going to be purely manipulative, remorseless, and/or years down the road. Most likely it will never come and if it does come, red flag it and disregard. If anything contact wise shes going to do whats called transference and try to blame you for everything and you need to accept this as it will come.

 

It might be too early for me to tell you this but you do have fault in this relationship. You were an enabler. You did not stand up to her bad behavior towards you. You allowed it

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t304995/ <---- this is the perfect example of what I mean by enabling the behavior. Every single time you want to bring up my ex did this to me, rephrase it and say "I allowed my ex to do the specific action" Come out of the victim role. If you are able to do this, you really start to heal and grow as a person

 

Also stick to NC, stop paying for storage and just mail her **** back to her, cut that string and let it go

[DownNotOut]

Thanks wilsonx, appreciate your advice - I started to see red flags throughout, but dismissed them. I'm glad her true colors showed at the end, because that really pushed me over and I had had enough. I was an enabler; I need to better learn my boundaries and enforcing them - it seems a recurring pattern in my life, that when I get serious with someone as time goes on - I allow them overstep my boundaries out of fear I suppose of losing them. I definitely have things to work on in the coming months - I just thought this time was it for me and it hurts when things don't work out the way you think they're going to. I miss her daughter more than anything now, because none of this is her fault - it's unfortunate, but this will be a recurring theme throughout her life and that makes me sad.

[DownNotOut]

bump

 

anyone?

[coltsfan1]

just reread his post, chances are he hit the nail on the head. I have been out a RL far longer then him but we share many similar traits.

 

Let her go and learn to pick a LADY that is your equal, someone you want and don't need!!

[wilsonx]

Whats your point of view on this? What are you having a tough time with?

[DownNotOut]

I dunno - just the culmination of finding out someone isn't who you thought they were and the life you thought you had carved out for yourself isn't there anymore.

 

She called and emailed me yesterday about her stuff - she's been calling/email/having family members etc call me over the past month. I broke NC today and emailed her and told her I would send her the info for the storage unit once she sent me the money she owes me, and in the email I told her I would talk to her this week - I don't think that's probably a good idea.

 

And the cheating is pretty tough the deal with - I don't know if she actually cheated, but I know she was clamoring to get back with her ex and my gut tells me something happened.

 

The thing that stings the most is how she could just snatch her little girl away from me - I adored that little girl and she adored me - without even a chance to say goodbye or anything. I guess that was a gamble going in when they are not your children - but I'm sure it affected her as much as it did me. It all happened very sudden and seemed almost irrational and impulsive - because she just left my house in Chicago full of all her stuff, important stuff like birth certificates, social security, etc.

 

I guess I just need to move on - I think today was probably just a bad day, because I was fine last week.

[DownNotOut]

BTW - thanks WilsonX - you seem very active on these boards and I'm sure are helping a lot of people.

 

I did pickup the book you mentioned in another one of your threads - Getting Past Your Breakup - did that help you?

[wilsonx]

The book honestly helped me at the very beginning. It gave me something to focus on for 2 days other then the situation I was in. It has a lot of useful information in there.

 

I'm just going to be as blunt as possible. The kids aren't yours, it is what it is, are you going to miss them, obviously you are but they are not your responsibility or your kids legally. You can adopt? You can get a dog?

 

Good if you do not think something is a good idea, roll with it. Make that decision and stick to it. The cheating and the betrayal hurts, it will go away with time and keeping the focus on you. Words actually hurt more then actions, if she did not say anything extremely **** ed up, will move on quicker then you think.

 

If your gut tells you she was wanting to get back with her ex, guess what shes doing now. Not your problem anymore.

 

You need to get rid of her ****, mail it to her, get your money, take her to small claims court if shes dragging her feet, and then cut the strings because she will lollygag forever if you dont

[Coupedriver]

We should compare a few notes "downnotout".Went through what you did...Took my ex from a hell home to a nice,warm house.Helped raise her daughter for almost 8 YEARS..!! Spent every weekend babysitting,for the first 2 years, so she could go to work...My story is endless...I sent her an e-mail several weeks ago asking her almost what you are thinking.."How can you stand there and tell someone you love them,let then DO everything for you and the whole time..your planning on being with someone else..?".Never heard back....WilsonX knows me.."Caregiver personality.." and an enabler..Makes me SO sick to my stomach that people can do that to one another..

[DownNotOut]

Thanks Wilsonx - I've only just started that book - I think I'll try to get through it this week. Yes - I miss her daughter a lot, but you're right nothing I can do.

 

I have to chalk it up to her being young and dumb and maybe GIGS or want to the play the field whatever. She's a small town girl and I kind of took her out or element and moved her to the 3rd largest city in the country - so that could have played in as well. She also was going to school to finish her degree and wasn't doing all that great, missing her family and not having many friends being so new here. So I think a lot was going on in her world and she didn't know to deal with it other than cut and run. Nonethess, I can't beat myself up over it - I wasn't anything but great to her and I know she will realize that someday when she grows up...

 

Coupedriver - I'd like to hear your story and compare notes. How old was your ex - it my situation I'm 36 and she was 24. I sacrificed a lot as a step-father to her and wouldn't have changed a thing - I loved that little girl like she was my own. It blows my mind how my ex could lever such a blow by not breaking things off face to face after 1 1/2 years and allowing me to at least say goodbye to her. Again young and dumb.

 

I've learned a lot in the whole process though - I'm a caregiver as well and an enabler in this past relationship - I will use this as experience in my next relationship. No more captain save a hoe for me.

[Von]

Yep, sounds similar to my story. Im 34 and shes 26. Very hard to cope with such huge loss, especially the little girls i was attached to. Its all so... Heartless. I cant even think about that beautiful little baby and not be devastated. Mine ran too, she just sucked the life out of me and left. I think these are pattern women, they constanty jump ship after getting what they came for. Why is being a good man taken for granted by so many women? Men are supposed to be the provider and the "caretaker"... What happened to the natural roles?

 

All we can do is stay in NC and grieve. I hope soon i can feel better inside. I want to get past this and move on to someone that wont run.

[DownNotOut]

Well an update - I broke NC over the weekend, because I need to get her things and kinda kicked myself for what I said after the fact but I emailed her:

 

All I've really ever wanted is a sincere apology and an understanding of why you did what you did. I understand I was at fault for parts our relationship not working and for that I'm sorry. I sincerely hope you are too.

Send me a money for the storage, uhaul and cancellation and let's talk this week and get this whole mess figured out.

 

 

Today she replied which seemed contrived and no even close to remorseful or sincere:

 

 

Hey

I am truely sorry about the hurt we caused to one another!

That would be great if u could call me tomorrow so we can arrange everything!

 

 

I guess I should just quit expecting something from her as I will probably never get it - I'm just having a tough time with how someone can be so coldhearted.

[wilsonx]

Read her response... she didn't even apologize.

[DownNotOut]

I know, I just need to accept the fact that she never will either.

 

Whatever is going on in her head - she's justified things to make it ok. She's a cold heartless b**th and that's all.

 

Time to send her things and cut the cord for good.

[DownNotOut]

I don't think he attacked anyone - she didn't apologize and continues to not apologize... That's all i've really ever wanted - but it's an ego, pride, or stubbornness thing - I'm at a loss as to how someone can do this to someone they were in a relationship for 1 1/2 years and claimed to love and care about - it makes me not want to love and care about her - even know I do for some strange reason.