He's ignoring me again.... :(

[greentea]

I have a previous thread (SILENT TREATMENT) in this forum.. my problem is related. I am still talking about the same guy. The guy who went away on a project, who told me he will be there only a month and now i think it is extended until january or i dont know really.

 

I have been going out with this guy for 4 years. We have had pretty good times together and for the last two years, we rarely fight and we were so in love. Then he went away for the project, a month after (Nov 10) for a petite argument, he stopped calling or texting me. No communication whatsoever. I practically chased him by calling him and sending him text messages EVERYDAY... but he never replied. Until two weeks after, he said he needed time and space to think and figure things out. He said he does not love me as much anymore because of the argument that we had but would admit that sometimes he misses me. He said we need time out to figure out our mistakes. For about a week or 2, we conversed thru SMS occasionally. Last Friday, I sent him a xmas card, his first and only love letter to me (1st yr anniv) and a pix of us happy together. He got it and he said thanks for the card and that of course, he has not forgotten about that letter. I told him that letter is the most precious thing I got from him and that I was hoping he would just read it to remind him what his love was for me before. The response I got was kinda positive as he was a bit glad about it... I told him "i really hope i'd get another letter from you", and then he said "i will use this as a guide".

 

That was the last positive conversation we had. The next day, i sent him SMS again several times during the day but he never replied. It's just weird that he is pissed off with me again. I haven't done anything wrong... and then i told him that 'I thought the card, the letter and the pix somehow helped" ... he said "please just let me have my time. I am very busy nowadays. Next year I wont be that busy anymore"

 

Some have advised me to stop sending him text messages, stop contacting him, stop figuring out everything that he says as it will drive me nuts... but somehow, i just cant help it.

 

Just a little while ago, I sent him a text message and told him that "before you said you love me so much.. and then i would tell you i love you more... do you believe me now?" and then no reply, so i said "ok. i think you are busy. i just hope you are well and if you have time, please get in touch. thanks."

 

I know that I might be pushing him away even more now than I am trying to chase him but then I am just so scared of losing him that is why I am trying to get that "talk" with him (which he wont give to me). Some of my friends would tell me, maybe he is just waiting for you to initiate the breakup and say that you are through. I really dont know but I really hope not coz i dont plan to break up with him.

 

The distance is making things difficult for me, but what makes it MORE difficult is the fact that he is ignoring me and acts as if he doesn't care.

 

Im just confused... a week ago he was nice... now, he is ignoring me again.

 

I know that if we ever get back together, things will never be the same again. I mean, I fear that someday this will happen again and stuffs like that. But I want to just live one day at a time and cross the bridge when i get there.

 

I need your advice, please help me.

[dyermaker]

From what you posted, it looks as if he's letting you down easy. He doesn't want to break up with you, because that would be uncomfortable, but I believe he's ingoring you with hopes you'll lose interest.

[sarah12]

greentea - I think you have two options here...#1..break up with him so you can finally be at peace, grieve and move on..I know it's not that easy..but you have said yourself that things will not be the same if you are back together..since there is no communication between the two of you, that isn't a good sign. It's better to have things completely broken so he will know what life is like without you, and if he really wants you back, he will come back. #2..hold on for dear life and go through what you have been doing since the break started..you know that you will not stop contacting him, and because of that, you will keep pushing him away.

 

I know that you don't want to break up with him b/c you're afraid you'll never get back together..but the situation is really out of your hands..it's up to him to come back to you, and it doesn't look like he is even willing to communicate at this point.

Don't be afraid of what the future may or may not hold..because you have all the time in the world..you are young..there's no rush.

 

good luck..

[ca]

Well, u perhaps shouldnt ignore the possibility that he really MIGHT be caught up at somehting, who knows.. but hten, its clear, he is valuing his privacy and isnt particularly interested in keepin in touch at the moment.

Perhaps the best thing for now , is one small sms stating , that if he wants to be in touch, pls be ... alll the best... till the time u want to get back to me...

Leave the hopes behind, itll help you move on in life .... and if things were to happen between u two, it would... that is he would come bak to you, but as far as u are concerned, your prepared for whatever it is...

Gauge his responses and u yourself will be able to come to a solid decision....

Chasing and constantly asking the person to respond , whn he /she doesnt see the need to, never helps !

U need a good life of yhour own, and this indefinite waiting isnt doin ui any good..

So girl, move on, with that one last sms of good wishes....

[Butterfly1]

I can understand your need to talk to him. I mean after four years of being so close for things to change so fast. Keeping the communication up makes you feel connected to him..makes him not forget that you are a part of his life and gives you hope that he will start up the conversations again and things to go back to how they were before. I know you just want answers and want him to remember how great you were together.

 

But just look at what you have been doing. Has it brought him closer to you? What you need to do is what the other people have advise and stop contacting him. Give him time alone to think about what he is focusing on and will give him the time to miss you. If you keep contacting him, letting him know that youa re around and letting him know you care, you will just push him away. He is ignoring you, asking for space, not giving you the respect he gave you before -- stand up for yourself and respect yourself and him by giving him that space and by not putting up with this treatment.

 

I have read a lot times that when men think about problems, they go into this "cave" and cannot be disturbed. It sounds like your boyfriend is in his cave and you have to just leave him alone. I am sure you have heard that saying that if you love somebody, set them free, if they come back, they are yours forever and if they do not, it was never meant to be. Believe in that. If this relationship is meant to be, he will come back...he will remember how much he loves you and come chasing back towards you. But how can he chase you now if you are still standing there, waiting for him to come back? As hard at it is, stop yourself from messaging him and start sending them to a friend if you need to send something..not him.

[greentea]

I am just feeling extra lonely today. This is one of the "moments" when I feel really down, depressed, helpless with an intense want of getting back together. I just love him so much and miss him a lot.

 

I will follow your advice... to stop contacting him. I am not sure if I need to tell him that I am breaking up with him.. because if I do now, it might give him the "opportunity/chance" to claim his freedom and look out for other girls, and forget about trying to mend the relationship. I am soooo scared of that. I will probably just stop contacting him and let the situation just run its course.... meaning no final decision abt being completely through.

 

Is this right?

 

This is soooo hard... its been more than a month now but I still can't cope well.

[ca]

excellent idea. exactly what i said early... just maybe one sms to say - hey keep in touch somtime.. and then let fate take its course !

Dont feel let down at the moment, try looking at new avenues. how about some gud fun movies with a few very close girl friends, maybe some exotic bitching sessions too ?? thatll be like FUN...

Nothing like a girlie party and lots of talk and gossip to get over loneliness and depression

 

Worked wonders for me ..

[Butterfly1]

Well, I would not tell him you are breaking up with him. You might be making it too easy for him. I know you can think that if you tell him that its over and you are breaking up with him, that he will say no, thats not whaat he wants and come running back. BUt most likely, he will just say, "a break for now as I am thinking about things". Its like if you tell him that, you will only push him more away. You won't get closure and you will probably be more confused.

 

Instead, just stop contacting him and go on about your life by keeping busy. What he has done to you is totally unfair. You have every right to be angry and upset over this. Leave him alone for about a month or so. If you feel like after a month, that you want the breakup up to be official THEN let him know that you are letting go and moving on (but you have to really mean that when you say that)

 

But if a breakup is what he wanted, then after four years he should be mature enough to face you in person and tell that to you. But from what it sounds like, he just needs some time on his own to figure things out. Leave him alone and just try to focus on the other activities in your life tha make you happy. I promise you will hear from him if you just let go for now.

[greentea]

Thank you for your advice. I will try to stop contacting him altogether... even on christmas day. I am giving it until end of January but will start a new life after if nothing comes out of it. I will not initiate the breakup and will not talk about the relationship should he contact me first. I have suffered too much and I think this is totally unfair to me.

 

Butterfly1, u have been giving great advices. Just want to let you know that I have been following the thread of wecancope and honestly, you seem to be a great person with great personality.

[genie]

You need to focus on yourself, he is totally disrespecting you and your feelings. You need to get angry at him instead of these lost feelings. I know it's easier said than done, but do some therapy on yourself. When you are down, let yourself cry. Tears are a necessity and they can be healing. Find it as shutting a door and opening many new ones. Even if the doors open are with him, there apparently needs to be some closing of doors, he needs to appreciate what he has and quit being so self centered. People like that makes me so mad. He doesn't deserve to be in your thoughts.

[DonTomaso]

Greentea.. I agree with everyone on this message board. He is not being fair to you at all. Four years of dating is way too long for him to be acting like this. He should hve had the courage to break up with you honestly instead of just giving you the silent treatment. He sounds like a controling person that you don't want or need in your life. It will be hard, but just sever all contact. Don'g give him the satisfaction of telling him that you are breaking up. Just dissapear.

[greentea]

DonTomaso / Genie - I dated him for four years and we have been really exclusive. We have been happy and I never thought he could do something like this to me after all the care and the love I have shown him (not to mention giving up a very promising career as a nurse just to be with him). Sometimes, I tell myself maybe he has a reason and I should not judge him, but then what he is doing is really unfair and so selfish. I just hope I will be able to get over him very soon. I just hate being in misery. I am a good person (i believe) and I am very soft-hearted.... i just wanted to be treated nicely.

 

For now, what i really plan is to stop all means of communication with him. I will try my best to do that... and when I get to those "moments" where I am itching to send him SMS... i will just probably write my thoughts on this board instead.

 

I hope I will be successful.

[genie]

Good luck and I hope things work out for you and him. If not, then God has other plans for you. Concentrate on healing yourself over what is going on with you now. You are a good person and he would be the lucky one to have you in his life. You don't deserve what has happened and what he is doing to you. I am sorry. Build your strength and take care of yourself first then worry about him. At least try, hold your head up and always look out for yourself. I am worried that what he is doing to you is breaking your self spirit down and making you insecure. Try not to let that happen. Shame on him, it's his loss even though it may not feel that way.

[DonTomaso]

My ex girlfriend gave me the silent treatment and it made me question myself as well. I wondered if I was in fact worthy of love. I now know that I am, but it just took me a while to get back to a healthy point. I still have my down days too, but that's life I guess. I'm sure you are a wonderful person. If you ever feel like contacting him, please come here instead. The people on this board will be sooo helpful and caring.

 

Whenever I tried to contact my ex, it just made me feel aweful. I have not talked to her for months now, and it feels so much better. Good luck. Cheers.

[greentea]

I have not contacted him since the time I made the post yesterday. It was not too difficult to stop myself from contacting him at least for now... its probably a good day for me today. I just hope I will be able to carry on.

 

Sometimes I just pity myself because I am 26 and spent the last 4 years of my life dating this guy exclusively, blindly loving him in spite of everything thinking that we will end up together. I am a very organized girl with plans carefully laid out. I told myself before I would love to see myself married at the age of 27 or 28. Now, I don't think i'd be able to accomplish that. I am losing faith in LOVE because the guy who I thought was the BEST guy i've ever met turned out to be not-so-great-at-all.

 

I would wake up in the middle of the night and I keep praying that God will give me the man He has chosen for me.... I will always pray for good things to happen and for Him to end my misery.

 

I just want to be happy.

[Butterfly1]

I know exactly how you feel. I dated someone I believe I was going to marry from 23 to 26. He was nicest, greatest guy I had ever met. We talked about getting married and he was the first guy I ever slept with because before him, I had always wanted to wait until I was married. Our relationship was perfect for awhile and then he just became more depressive and took it out on me. I kept hoping that if I loved him enough, I could make him happy but it turned out to be a downward spiral....him wanting space, me giving it to him and then me building up tension because everything seemed to be revolved around him and his mood. I had no idea what happenned to that guy I met a few years before that bought me flowers every time I saw him.

 

I too thought I would be married by 27/28 and when that relationship finally ended, I never thought i would ever be able to stop the pain or meet anyone half as great as this guy. To be honest, it has been hard (with the exception of the depression) but by dating other people I have been able to discover different parts of me as each person brings out something different. Anyway, getting over that ex boyfriend was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I will be turning 29 in a few months and don't think I am happy about it as I am now completley single.

 

The best advice is really to just focus on yourself and NOT to contact him. I know how hard that is but you have to force yourself. One of my good friends at school, her boyfriend of the time broke up with her out of nowhere after they had been dating for 3 years....instead of contacting him, she did nothing. After three months of no contact he came back to her (he needed time to think) and now they are actually married. These breaks can work out but she told me that by the time he came back she knew she would be okay with him or without him because she knew what she deserved. And by not contacting him and asking him why or demanding answers, she didn't push him away or didn't lose any respect for herself by always being the one to make the contact. Now I dont know if that would have worked in my situation (probably not in the end) or with yours but its the only way you can survive with your dignity.

[texastapper]

You could not have said that anymore perfect. It's something that you have to let fate and God decide. If you are truly meant to be then that person will be there for you. If you are not meant to be then you will know you have to move on. As Butterfly knows I am in the same situation now where I am cutting my contact to a minimum and learning to be all about myself and not worry about that other person bringing my sun up in the morning, it is a very hard thing to do especially after being with someone for so long. As long as you stay busy and and as I like to say out of pocket you will be okay!

[greentea]

Butterfly1/texastapper - that was indeed a very good advice and example.

 

I am trying to make myself believe that I don't need him in my life, I can move on and I can get over him soon. Deep in my heart though, I am still hoping he would come back. I am trying to convince myself that if I dont contact him, he will soon contact me. What I am kinda worried about is that in the past weeks (6 weeks) since the unofficial breakup, I have been chasing him and I might have pushed him far away already. Have I not chased him, maybe I have a better chance of getting him back. But what is done is done, and I have no way of gettings those SMS back.... if only I could turn back the time, I wish I just kept silent all these time.

 

But I am taking and keeping your advice. I am keeping myself busy and I dont plan to send him anything on Christmas day.

 

Whenever I think of him and our good times together, and the whenever I feel the "fear" of losing him, I just ask God to keep me strong and help me move on. It helps.

[texastapper]

One thing that is for sure is that you are not alone in this situation. I'm right there with you i am also in the waiting stage of what my future relationship with my ex will be. You have made the right choice and letting him go will help. it just gives them the space they need to think things through and remind himself what he is really missing. You are so right that turning to God is the best answer anyone can give you. Just believe in him and he will guide you no matter what happens. Just remember to be strong and make yourself busy busy busy. By me telling you this helps keep me strong also. You could say were in this together, just two different people and two different relationships. We Can do it!!

[carra]

hi guys, i'm going through the same thing w/ my hubby right now. just recently i changed my cell number, gave him a box of his stuff, and left a msg on his cell not to call my work anymore, if he needs to contact me, to write a letter. it feels great! i feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my heart, i feel like i am in control, and i know that w/ God's help i can get through this. what has helped me a lot is this board and reading the bible. i pray to god what he wants me to do or learn and open the bible, whatever i open to i read, and it helps. i feel better everyday, and you will too greentea, you will see that when we stop relying on others for happiness, and start relying on God, we will have an inner peace.

 

don't feel bad about the earlier msm's, we all do it, we panic, i did too, i chased my hubby for a month off and on, and i realized i had to wait for him to come to me for it to be genuine.

you guys were together for too long of a time for someone to just forget about you, don't worry he hasn't forgotten, he is just being really selfish right now, and not thinking. it's a game that people like to play, and unfortunately we, as their bf/gf/spouse have to play along w/ them. it's all about the strategy.

 

keep faith in God greentea, he will never leave you, his love is unconditional.

[BraveGirl]

Well this thread seems to have struck a cord with many.

I too have been wondering whether to call him at christmas. It's been 2 months and I've gone downhill headfirst. Really not coping.

But apart from at the very begininng have amazed myself by not contacting him, until this week. I thought after all this time I would get some response, but nothing.

I really can't understand why someone would not be bothered enough to return a message especially at this time of year.

I feel completely broken by it. I know exactly how you feel greantea. You think that if you could talk you could remind them of how it used to be, and still can be.

It's hard, and I know we should not give them the satsisfaction of making contact. How can you stop loving someone though?

[carra]

just because you have decided to move on with your life does not mean you stop loving a person, you are just loving them from a distance. in order for their to be reconciliation, both individuals must grow and learn from their own experiences, and then if, or when they reconcile, they will have new and better experiences and strengths to add to the relationship. when we are broken up with a loved one, it can give us the oppurtunity to do things we wouldn't do if we were still togetherwith them, like go back to school, join a club, meet new friends, new job, new image- whatever it is, it is part of the growing and maturing process everyone goes through.

 

forget about the exes, think about the fun and rewarding things YOU have been putting off, and then guess what, when you start to enjoy life again, your significant other will see that and want to be a part of it.

 

time and God- together they make miracles

[sarah12]

greentea - I cannot add anymore to what everyone has said here. They've all given some great advice..I know that it is sooo hard to get over someone, but you will get through this. You mentioned that it's been about 6 weeks since the unofficial breakup, well, it's normal to want to contact the person to find out answers, so I don't think you should feel bad for having done that. I mean, what else are you going to do when the guy just leaves you hanging after having been so close with you for 4 years? It is truly disrespectful of him to just completely leave you in the dark. You just need to do as some other person on here said..pack up his things and leave him one last message. It will probably take you some time still to fully recover from this, but I think it's necessary for everyone who goes through break ups to take that time to learn what happened. And believe me, 6 weeks of grieving over a guy you dated for 4 years is nothing..I'm still hurt from a guy I dated for 1.5 months and we broke up 4 weeks ago!!! Just stay strong and know that we are all here for you..this forum is great and has helped me learn a lot..I know how it is when you feel very lonely, as if no one in the world cares for you, and you have exhausted friends and family with your situation..well, you can always count on someone on this forum to be there for you..just wanted to let you know that...

 

ok I've gone off on a tangent now..good luck and keep us updated..

[greentea]

its been almost 5 days that I have not communicated with him either via SMS or phone call. I feel quite accomplished that I was able to control myself. I did not think of him that much (I never thought I could do this), but of course every once in a while during the day (or night), I still think of him and I still have the same desire to reconcile with him when the time comes.

 

I just want to let you know guys that EVERYONE of you has helped me with this problem. I mean ALL of you helped me one way or another. I have drawn my strength from people in this forum who have given me their advices based on experience. I know I am not alone and I am not the only person experiencing this problem. It makes me strong knowing that God is there to help me out and that time really makes wonders.

 

From the bottom of my heart, I would like to extend my sincerest gratitude to everyone who replied to my post for helping me get through the most painful part of my life by far. I am thankful for having "invisible" friends who really have sincere hearts in helping others.

 

Thank you so much and I hope you all have a merry christmas!

[genie]

You are doing great, you keep up the good work!! Keep focused on yourself. You're doing better than I thought you would at this point. I image this as you have fallen down and you are now scraping off your knees, and soon you will be running again. Hold your head up high. I hate to give you false hope, but I bet you hear from him soon. Be prepared, he will probably just check in. Don't talk deep, just tell him you've been busy and make him think you've been having a blast doing whatever it is you want to tell him you've been doing. Make him wish he was here. Advice: don't talk about you and him. When and if he does, tell him you're not ready to talk. GOOD LUCK!!!!