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I need some help, I am so lost and confused. I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years now and about 7 months ago all that came to an end. She broke up with me because I was not completely honest with her over something so stupid. She now claims she can not trust me. She has been out dating new people and really living it up, but I can not shake her. She is my everything, the thought of it being my fault that we broke up is just so unbearable. I would not change the fact that we broke up, because I had gotten to a point in our relationship where I took for granite what i really had, and this time has helped me learn who I really am and the person that i want to be to her. I am a very giving person and have always gone out of my way to be there for someone else. Here is the problem now, we have been seperated for 7 months but she has never gone away and neither have I. Every time she calls I am there, and she is constantly on my mind. I think about her all day long every day. She means everything to me. She claims she just wants to be my friend and wants me to move on. I cant ahndle just being her friend, she is my everything and its just too hard to just be her friend. She claims no matter what she wants me to be a big part of her life. Am I doing the right thing ny always being there for her? Its just so hard to ignore her and every time I try to discuss us getting back together she is so determined that she cant trust me. how can I prove to her that she can trust me. I know she still loves me, and that she would still be with me if I had not lied to her. I just know I would never ever lie to her again not matter what the situation. Please someone tell me what I should do. I dont know whether to just go away or to keep doing what im doing and continue to be there. It just hurts being apart from her. I've tried dating others but its just not the same. Another thing that hurts is that I was buying her a engagement ring so I could propose to her. Then all this, this is the girl of my dreams and I want more than ever to get down on one knee and propose to her. I just wish I could change things. What should I do, please help someone.

 

Justin

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texastapper,

 

I feel your pain bro. Me and my ex broke up 2 1/2 months ago. We have been together for 3 years. I am still hurting very badly. She was the one who intiated the break-up.

 

Your ex girlfriend seems very stubborn. Your dishonesty has effected her very badly, but if she truly loved you, she will have forgave you. What kind if lie did you tell her? If its a minor one, then I'll say she is over reacting. If its a major one, then you may have some problems.

 

Give her some time and space to sort things out. I know you have said sorry to her a million times so don't keep pressing the issue.

 

There may be a slim possibility that she was looking for a way out of the relationship and you gave her a scape goat. It happens! Three years is a long time to be with someone. people just don't cut ties easily after being together for three years.

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I dont think she was looking for a ticket out of the relationship. She still tells me that if I had not lied to her that we would be together. We had a group of friends that all hung out together and really got along well. One of the girls in our group was you could say new to the group. But we were all friends, I started talking to her just as friends and would invite her out with all of us and etc. But I had nothing for this girl, I mean I was getting ready to propose to my girl. But I didnt feel as though I had to tell my girl every single time I talked to this other girl and that was the lie I was keeping from her. She went on my phone records and saw that I had talked to her several times. I argues that it was only friends and that was all it really was, but she did not believe me. What was I to do, no matter what I sid she did not believe me. the other girl even told her that we were nothing more than friends. But my girl just believed it as she could not trust me. It hurts because I know I had no intention of doing anything at all with that other girl, if i had only told her we talked more. I guess Im stupid for that. I guess time will only tell if we will make it through this. thanks for the reply

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texastapper,

 

Women can be very jealous and insecure. Well, man are the same way. Put yourself in her position, look at it from her point of veiw. Wouldn't you get mad at you ex if she was talking with another guy on the phone, email, sms without your knowledge? Especially if he was attractive. Your ex may have saw that as a sign of betrayal. She is insecure as well. Did she ever tell you to stop talking to the other girl, but you did it anyway?

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I agree that she may have been looking for an excuse out. But my advice is not to be her good friend right now, until the day you would get over her. I have this best friend that was dating this really great guy, she broke up with him and wanted to remain close to him. He said he couldn't be her "good" friend. He said that what he wanted out of life was a girl and any girl that came into his life would not accept his ex girlfriend being his good friend and being around all the time. I know her well enough that she was playing games and wanted her cake and to eat it too. She went back to him within a few weeks and they have been together now for two years. She said she realized he would not be her great guy, if she kept up with what she was doing.

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thanks for the replies guys, but Genie you have got it, i feel like she wants to keep me around in case she does not find that other somebody. and I know she has been nothing but played. She tells me all the time you are a great guy justin and you are going to make some girl very happy some day. Its like all a game to her. I just havent given her a chance to miss me I guess since I am there every single time she calls. But do I go completely away or just talk to her once in a blue moon to keep her in check.

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Justin,

 

I will play the no contact rule for a while. Its only when your absent people start to see your true value.

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I wouldn't totally cut contact, then that is showing that you are angry and bitter. Do just like you said, make her miss you. Make her see on the outside, what a great guy you are and does she really want someone else to have you. In my friends case, he kept the conversations short, he wouldn't meet her when she wanted to. He didn't make any explanations to her, he just merely said he was busy. She will eventually start to break down and try to have a heart to heart talk and try to find out what you're up to. Stay strong (only tell her what she needs to know), and be nice, keep it short and just make her curious. Now the guy I know was learning how to date others again, he didn't like it, but he said he needed to make one step at a time to move on. So my advice to you is date, even if it don't feel right. She will say, "I knew you wanted other girls". Let her know in a sweet way, "no I'd be with you, but you don't give me that choice, so I have moved on". I bet she'll be back sooner than you'd think, that is if she really loves you. If not, then you don't need her anyway. Goodluck!!!

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I will take it one day at a time but I am going to make sure and keep like I guess a secret life. I guess I have to make her curious and feel left out. i know she still loves me, I just have to be strong and date again. is this what made things work for your friend, is this what made her give in and take him back. I just want more than ever for us to get through this stuff. thanks for your help!

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my situation is more or less the same as this one.. its about trust also. my girl broke off with me coz she cant trust me anymore bcause i did something that really has disappointed her & decided to leave the relationship... but honestly, i did not do anything... she was jst hearing this from another guy,might be som1 close to her or her friends. she doesnt believes me dat i did nothing,and decides to leave me & the relationship no matter how hard i try to convince her.. .. this is hurting me alot.. coz i knw, i did not do anything... and i wasnt strong enuf to to be able to convince her...

 

i still dont knw wat i can do... and i already miss her...

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Seven months is a pretty long time to be broken up. Whatever you have been doing before, I would advice you from continueing in the future as it hasn't allowed you to move on and hasnt allowed her to come back.

 

I agree with what the other poster have said. If she was really in love with you and wanted the relationship to work, she would have been able to forgive you for what happenned (which I don't think you did anything wrong anyway) It sounds like she was looking for an excuse to break up and this gave her a reason. It would also be easy for her to feel less guilty if she said it was entirely your fault. Which it wasn't. It takes two people to break up and she gave up too easily.

 

She is still calling you and yet going out with other guys and telling you that you will meet someone. I think thats really condescending of her. I think whoever said she might be keeping you as a back up in case things don't work out is true.

 

Now during these seven months you have been broken up, have you gone out on dates or dated anyone? If she believes that you are waiting around for her hoping that she will come back to you, what is her incentive to come back? She can continue dating whomever she wants to and if doesn't work out, she can always come back to you. Going forward I would just keep busy and start going out more with friends. Go out on dates if you can and try to meet as many different women as you can.

 

I think if she sees that you are not waiting around for her, if she sees that you are moving on with your life, then maybe she will second guess her new freedom and come back to you if its really love.

 

You also have to believe that there is more then one perfect person out there. SHe might be perfect for you but there might be someone else just as perfect for you as she is or maybe someone more. We are only young once and we should take advantage of our youth. Believe me, I know how you feel. I went through an awful break up a few years ago with someone I loved and I honestly thought I would never love anyone again.... In my case, i had to stop all contact with him before i could meet someone else but it worked in the end. Its hard but you have to love yourself first and do whats best for you in the long run.

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the bottom line is that I have never really gone away, I mean how could I she was constantly calling and is always on my mind. I always think that when she calls she needs to talk to me. Her Dad has cancer and is not doing so well so I have always been there for her and him. I felt as if I were a big part of her family. She is someone that is very stubborn and not a very forgiving person. She told me that if she were to get back with me that she would probably cheat on me. That right there should have been a hint that she hasnt had a chance to really realize what she really had. Her best friend had even told me that she si stupid for letting me go, that I was so good to her and that she had it made with me. I am a very generous person and feel it is the right thing for the guy to really take care of his girl. Not smother them but make sure that they had everything they needed. im kind of old fashion in that sense. But i am going to step back now and maybe talk to her once in a while but not everyday like she calls me. Im going to go out and date and start worrying about myself. She is everything to me, but what I have been doing hasnt worked and I have not been much of a challenge thats for sure. I guess I need to reverse the roles. Thats just what I am going to do then and Im going to try and have fun doing it.

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Believe me, you are doing the right thing. I know its going to be hard for you to be aloof when she calls or try not to care. But you have to show her that you are moving on. I know that must be hard that her father is sick right now - you want to comfort her and you probably know her family well...but is that what is really best for you?

 

When I was going through a very difficult breakup (we kept on breaking up and getting back together and then breaking up again)...when it finally hit me that it was over (at least for then) I told my ex that I had to cut off the contact for awhile...that if he cared about me he had to let me go and see what else is out there because everytime I spoke to him and everytime I saw, it just set me back. I was never able to give another guy a chance for as long as he was in my life and I still had the hope that we could work things out for good. If its too hard to be aloof around her (it was for me) then just consider doing that. First say you need 3 months alone with out her and maybe more. If she realizes she loves you enough that she wants you back, well, she will try to reach you (regardless) but if she wants to just remain friends, then really, ask her to let you go. From what she says (about if you got back together she would cheat on you) sounds like she knows she doesn't deserve you right now, that her mind and heart are out there searching for something else. I don't know how she can date other people and still maintain a friendship with you but I guess we are all different. I am sorry you are going through this.

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To answer your question, I think when the guy started dating other girls, it made my friend come back sooner than she probably would have. She says that she now realizes that if they break up again, that he isn't going to be her best friend, that the man that he is cut out to be will only be best friends with the girl in his life. She respects that, because that is what she would want out of her man. She was being very manipulative, at least that is what I call it. You can't have this guy, crazy about you, in a relationship, then tell him you want to be friends. Although she tried, he wouldn't let it happen. He sincerely tried to move on for hisself and he stuck to his morales on the kind of man that he is. You EX girlfriend is exactly what she is and she chose that and you have the right to tell her that. "You are my EX girlfriend, you were my best friend. I want to be that gain for someone one day and as long as you're around so much, that will not happen." Tell her that you like'd yourself when you were in that relationship and you felt bad for messing it up, but a person can only pay the price so much. You are a good person and as long as you keep paying the price, it doesn't feel too good. Maybe someone else will give you that chance.

 

I know all of this feels like a game, and as sorry as it is to say, my friends are in their 40's and the games still go on. YOu have been given alot of good advice in this column, take a look at it and maybe instead of just saying the words, word on it being the truth. We have read what you have to say and I know from my opinion, I don't know if she deserves you.

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Butterfly and jenie,

 

You gals make a lot of sense! Maybe I should take some of the advice given on this board. Every time my ex contact me, 90% of the time I would respond. I think I need to go cold turkey and move on with my life for good. " Sometime its hard to do that when she calls you in the middle of the night telling you that you are the only person I can talk to. I don't want to let her down if she feel that way. I cannot continue to wait on her. It's not fair to me. Also I will be slowing my progress of letting another woman get to know me.

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You're right Maxmuscle, I know I wouldn't want to be a new girl in your life, knowing that your ex could call any minute and you'd be there for her. She lost that right of you being the only one there for her, when she said goodbye. She is probably calling in the middle of the night just to make sure you're alone. As sick as it is to say, we don't want someone we can throw away and get back when we want. If you RESPECT yourself and not allow that to happen, then everyone else will follow up on respect. They may love when you're there for them, but it is only a selfish act, they're not thinking of you.

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Genie,

 

Then why not let me go? Since our break-up, she has called and email me saying I miss you, I miss us being a family, and you are special to me. I mean, what's with all the feelings? Then I say to her that I wish us both well in our future with other people being in our life. Then she say, well I can't tell the future of what's going to happen. Is it me or I am OVER analyzing her statements?

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Thanks for setting the scene for me, I can visualize what you are are saying. It is definitely going to be hard but I am going to keep contact to a minimum. If not at all. I got here a small gift for xmas and painted her a painting. She always loved my art work. But I dropped it off at her house today when I knew she wasnt there. I left a note telling her that I would be busy with work and getting prepared for xmas so she could try to call if she wanted. I want to make this my last real contact with her for a while and leave it at that. she is leaving town this weekend to visit her sister and some guy she met at a bar here, so whatever. Im just tired of being so available to her. she called last night all my phones and left messages on all of them, saying she just wanted to talk. I just ignored her calls and didnt call her back. That was tough but I hope it only gets easier. I know that if she really loves me then in the future we will get past all this and be happy together. I think another reason she is the way she is, is because I have been with her since she started college and that she has never really dated around and played the field, maybe it will be better for us that she gets all this out of her system before we get back together again, if that happens. I just need to be strong and keep my ground from her. its so hard to clear my mind of her. I try so har to not think about her its just so hard. Not that I am all into myself but I know I am a good looking guy and could probably get any girl, its just that I am so content with her. I am trying to open my mind and heart to somebody else, or just dating again. I think that will make a difference, I told her the other day that I took the ring she bought me off, and she played like it didnt bother her, oh but it did, I could tell by all the questions she asked about the ring and how the subject keep coming up. Go figure. I just wanted her to know Iwas moving on, and that the ring being on reminded me of her too much. Was that the right thing telling her that? thanks for your help, if i had your address I would send you flowers, you dont know how much you are helping. It just helps open my eyes and keeps me strong venting about everything. thanks

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texastapper

It sounds like you are on your road to recovery. Whether it's recovery of the two of you, time will tell. She hasn't had to feel lonely, because you have been there in the past. Keep up the good work, hopefully it will pay off and she'll be spending her weekends with you. Don't be hard on yourself about thinking about her, she meant alot to you. Take baby steps in moving on, don't worry about a relationship with someone else, just get through a date. I don't think it matters if you told her about the ring, it sounds like you are an honest guy and it seems you have nothing to hide. I know you have to be mysterious, but also, don't change who you are. Good luck!!!

 

Maxmuscle

Again, I know if she don't want you, then letting you go would be the mature thing to do. She is probably scared of her future and she likes having you around incase she don't find what ever she thinks she is missing out on. She hasn't had to feel the loneliness, you're there for her. Don't just say the words, make her think you're walking the walk. She's right, no one can tell the future. Boy has my ex told me the same, I personally think it is a manuever to just give me false hope and make me think I should wait for him to come back. You're not over analyzing, you're hurting and trying to arrange your life in order. Be strong and the way I live my life is if I am going to be mad at myself tomorrow for something I did today, then it's probably not worth doing.

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Genie.

 

Do you think I should cut off all contact? Do you think I should not be available if she calls me late at night to talk? Do you think I should send an email stating I can't continue this friendship thing because it will be unfair to me? My ex has a little daughter and she loves me very much. Break-ups are even tougher when there are kids involved.

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Definitely do not be available late at night. Let her be alone with her thoughts and decision. Don't return her calls. Let her touch basis every now and then and just say, "sorry I haven't gotten intouch, I've been sooo busy". Just make her think your life is so full and busy now. I wouldn't come out and say I can't continue this friendship, it's not fair to me. That is putting closure on that door. Leave a string there, just incase you break down and need to talk to her. THat would look cowardly to say no contact and then you contact. Do what is best for you, if talking to her every now and then (least as possible) then do it. It helped me get through the next days, I called it "getting my fix". Just keep in mind, you're giving her a fix also and sometimes that just keeps them from coming back sooner. Good luck and keep me posted.

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Genie,

 

I actually told her not to contact me before. Her reply was I was being harsh, therefore she continued to contact me, she totally ignored what I said to her. I said to myself this is not working! I think she know I have an incredible amount of love for her. How do I win?

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Sounds like she isn't to worried if she offends you or not. She knows right where she has you. Show her better than tell her, just don't be available, don't answer the phone. She does know you love her, my advise is to make her worry that she may be losing you. You will only win with time, strength and courage.

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