did it hurt because i slept with him or bc my heart was broken to begin with?

[eleanorhurting]

Why am I so hung up on someone who I dated for 4 months only who clearly never made it anything official or serious? Was it because I slept with him? He is the 2nd person I have ever slept with and I think I get very attached to people once that happens as I have learned.

 

Was it because I was still upset about my breakup from December 2010? I bowed not to date anyone for a whole year but this person came along and seemed so nice... All my friends encouraged me to go for it and take it slow. But somehow i ended falling very fast and he just wanted to "get to know me" and string me along. And when I started asking for things in return and arguing with him about his lack of interest he would say I was "difficult" and "complicated" and needy. Even though ultimately it was my choice to break things off 3 weeks ago, I still had feelings for this person and I guess what I really wanted was for him to change and start acting like he cared. So he made me feel like it was all my fault because I was the one that took the first step to end things (although he agreed so it was mutual).

 

I thought at 4 months post breakup and 3 months NC I was ready to date again but I guess I was not. I was feeling extremely guilty about my previous breakup and I guess to feel less guilty (because it was 100% my fault) I decided to become a walking doormat and open my heart and let this person walk all over me.

 

I am now even more hurt than I was back in December. Back then after the initial hurt and blues people enrouraged me to be optimistic about love. Now my friends are just telling me to get therapy and to not consider dating again for a very veeeery long time. I feel like I failed.

[eleanorhurting]

will i eventually get sick of myself and move on?

[coltsfan1]

a bit of both if you want my opinion. If you had only experienced being intimate with your EX then you took a BIG step in giving this part of yourself to someone so soon. But this is a great opportunity to learn that you unlike others may not be capable of FWB. That is not a bad thing it means you value that part of a relationship more. Just try and put this "mistake" behind you.

[eleanorhurting]

i was definitely dumb to sleep with him. maybe i just made the beginners mistake of being desperate trying to secure something. i feel stupid and i feel broken. i feel back in square one from my december breakup. I hope everyone learns from my mistake. Dont get involved with someone so soon bc if it doesnt work out you could feel worse.

[dreamcity]

On the other hand, maybe you've de-mythologized the act of sleeping with someone a bit. Also, you've gotten a valuable introduction to the concept that men don't equate sex with love. Take what good you can from these experiences!

[Hurting123]

Men don't equate sex with love.

 

I slept with my last girlfriend on the second date.

She hadn't slept with too many guys either.

But she ended up telling me that she didnt want a relationship after 3 months.

 

Im a doctor with good income. Good future. Never bought her presents. Wasn't like that. I tried to be a good man to her and she didn't want it. Didn't leave me for another man. Just didnt want to be in a relationship. She paid for her own meals. Even though I insisted and tried to be the supportive caring providing man. She was happy with friends with benefits.

 

I don't understand. I keep hearing this and that about men. And I feel like I lived in a parallel universe.

 

So don't take it to heart to much and give yourself a little more credit for actually valuing the act of making love.

 

I thought I was making love. She just saw it as sex

 

Its just the way it is

[eleanorhurting]

Thanks. I remember when I first slept with him back in May he said "dont make a big deal out of it". And the next day he told me he was feeling sick and I offered to take him soup and orange juice and take care of him and he actually said "nah I dont want you to get sick". I felt like he stepped down his game.

 

 

Yes i feel bad now but I know if anything I was just naive its not like I was a bad person to him. The last time I talked to him he told me that once i get my stuff together I will be "one of the cutest things this earth will know" so I think he realizes he missed out.

 

On another note, the sex was amazing I will definitely miss that. I used to think I would only be able to enjoy that with my old boyfriend but now I'm scared I wont enjoy it with anyone else but this guy!

[geegirl]

Men don't equate sex with love.

 

I slept with my last girlfriend on the second date.

She hadn't slept with too many guys either.

But she ended up telling me that she didnt want a relationship after 3 months.

 

Im a doctor with good income. Good future. Never bought her presents. Wasn't like that. I tried to be a good man to her and she didn't want it. Didn't leave me for another man. Just didnt want to be in a relationship. She paid for her own meals. Even though I insisted and tried to be the supportive caring providing man. She was happy with friends with benefits.

 

I don't understand. I keep hearing this and that about men. And I feel like I lived in a parallel universe.

 

So don't take it to heart to much and give yourself a little more credit for actually valuing the act of making love.

 

I thought I was making love. She just saw it as sex

 

Its just the way it is

 

"Men don't equate sex with love."

 

That's a generalization. There are men that treasure and value the connection of sex as love making. And there are men that value sex as a release. BUT, I will say, the former is pretty scarce in this day and age.

 

There are women out there that will appreciate your outlook as sex being an emotional act. You just got involved with a woman that has a different outlook or was probably on an emotional level that was not compatible with you.

 

But trust me, guys like you are a commodity these days!

[Mack05]

I think Eleanor, you are really being really harsh on herself. Your friends think you should go to Therapy. For what exactly? because of this mistake..That's ridiculous. I think your friends are being really harsh on you here. Life is about living and learning and I personally feel you haven't done much wrong.

Edited September 19, 2011 by Mack05

[geegirl]

Dunno about commodity Geegirl. He posted on this site he had anal sex on the third date with his ex and he used to be a "man whore" in his past. His ex's 'not many' partners is "eight or nine" at 23. I suppose he is a commodity these days

 

Well, then maybe not "my" type of commodity !

 

I didn't read past posts but I am sure there are instances where he has defined sex as love making. Just making the point about generalizing.

[eleanorhurting]

I think Eleanor, you are really being really harsh on herself. Your friends think you should go to Therapy. For what exactly? because of this mistake..That's ridiculous. I think your friends are being really harsh on you here. Life is about living and learning and I personally feel you haven't done much wrong.

 

They think I need to get therapy to deal with my guilt from the past, my low self esteem and my poor coping skills.

 

I guess I haven't really been alone for longer than 4 months (unless I count when I was dating this guy as being in a relationship) since I was 19 and I am having a hard time adjusting to being on my own and not needing someone to validate me.

 

The last time I talked to my april-aug guy he told me that once I started letting go I will be wonderful but that he thinks Im too complicated and I am not consistent with my moods (?). I guess everyone can agree I need to work on myself for a while.

[eleanorhurting]

People keep telling me to focus on me and on what makes me happy...

 

Does getting overly excited about being home on a monday night watching the How I met your mother premiere count??

 

1 hour of blissfully ignoring my breakup

[wilsonx]

Men don't equate sex with love.

 

Agreed with the generalization comment. Just because you don't doesnt mean everyone else does.

 

I slept with my last girlfriend on the second date.

She hadn't slept with too many guys either.

 

2 Things here. Court the damn girl. Stop going for the easy pump and expecting a relationship. You have to build attraction and 2 dates before you pump obviously didnt do it. When you are "dating" take your time, dont just jump in the sack as quick as possible, wait 4 or 5 dates. She will respect you a LOT more if you do and have a lot more attraction to you. You have to leave her always wanting more. You as a man take the lead and take your time.

 

Im a doctor with good income. Good future. Never bought her presents. Wasn't like that. I tried to be a good man to her and she didn't want it.

 

This means absolutely nothing. Learn to date properly and take your time. If you wanted more then a FWB then you have to show her that with actions not words but you lead the relationship into fwb

Edited September 20, 2011 by wilsonx

[geegirl]

Agreed with the generalization comment. Just because you don't doesnt mean everyone else does.

 

 

 

2 Things here. Court the damn girl. Stop going for the easy pump and expecting a relationship. You have to build attraction and 2 dates before you pump obviously didnt do it. When you are "dating" take your time, dont just jump in the sack as quick as possible, wait 4 or 5 dates. She will respect you a LOT more if you do and have a lot more attraction to you. You have to leave her always wanting more. You as a man take the lead and take your time.

 

Easy pump...

[eleanorhurting]

Hey we all make mistakes lets just learn from it. I slept with this person to soon and I dot want to be considered an easy pump

[geegirl]

Don't beat yourself up. Whether a man considers you an "easy pump" it doesn't matter. You went in with an open heart and with good intentions. That does not make you an "easy pump". If he chooses to view you that way, then that speaks of his character. How he chose to treat you knowing how you felt is a testament that it doesn't matter what he thinks about you. Learn this lesson and use it to make wise decisions in the future.

[Hurting123]

Well in my other posts I've said a few things that I think have been taken out of context.

 

I was trying to come to terms with what happen and where I went wrong.

I admitted we had anal sex on the first night we got intimate. She wanted it and I obliged.

 

Yes I have had a fair bit of sex but all of it was drunk sex. Yes I agree drunk sex for a guy at least means nothing.

But any girl I've ever had sober sex where I looked at her in the eyes and kissed her. I liked very much. And wanted more. Definitely more.

And yeh they did too.

But not the last girl.

That was my point.

She is a girl who seemed pretty happy to have sex with me and not want more in the end. She had 8-9 sex partners at 23. I don't know I look at all the people around me and I would think that would be the average. 8-9 sexual partners in 7 years. Let's assume she started at 16.

 

Oh I don't know. Whatever.

 

Should I have waited and slowed it down. Probably. But I didn't. And I have to live with that now that she is gone.

 

But believe me when I say... The sex meant alot to me. I was making love with her.

[dreamcity]

Too soon for you maybe, but sleeping with someone on the second date doesn't make anyone an "easy pump." Sometimes I've slept with people early and gotten to know them better afterwards. It all depends on your personality.

[Mack05]

Too soon for you maybe, but sleeping with someone on the second date doesn't make anyone an "easy pump." Sometimes I've slept with people early and gotten to know them better afterwards. It all depends on your personality.

 

We can agree to disagree

[eleanorhurting]

The guy I dated actually told me that things have changed. According to him, int he past, love came before sex. Now its the other way around. I felt like there was no way I could get him to fall for me without being intimate and still there would be no guarantee. I felt like I was getting too involved while for him it was just something fun to do.

 

Ugh I think all the movies about friends with benefits and no strings attached that came out this year have helped make this idea more acceptable and its gross.

[dreamcity]

@Mack05:

"Let's agree to disagree"

 

Sure, but it really does depend on what you're looking for. Sometimes with a new partner you may not be looking for a relationship at all, but later decide they're actually pretty great. : )

[eleanorhurting]

@Mack05:

"Let's agree to disagree"

 

Sure, but it really does depend on what you're looking for. Sometimes with a new partner you may not be looking for a relationship at all, but later decide they're actually pretty great. : )

 

But it is worth risking it? Many guys I have met tell me I worry too much and I need to just "go with the flow". I think "go with the flow" means sleep with me and later i'll decide if i actually want something with you or not. I don't like the sound of it... and I dont like being called "difficult" or "complicated" because I dont go along with "the flow" aka sleeping with you when you show no sign of a commitment.

[tryingtoforget83]

Hey, don't take it too hard. You'll find someone better. I know these are cliches, but they're true. You're hurt because you've invested your heart in him and he didn't reciprocate.

 

My story is very similar to yours. I was in a "relationship" for 4 months, most of it long distance. He was my second guy. I fell in love with him too deeply too soon. He broke my heart and now he's in a new relationship.

 

It was the first time I experienced heart break in my life Worst feeling ever. Sadly, the good times with him were probably the best times in my life. Now, three months later, I still think about him. But, I think breaking up was the best thing that could have ever happened to us. I was in love with a fairy tale and not the man. Something that I ignored was that he's the kind of person that finds lying enjoyable. Who wants to be with an immature person like that. Every guy I met after him was better in that way.

 

It gets better, and you'll be stronger. All the best

[Mack05]

But it is worth risking it? Many guys I have met tell me I worry too much and I need to just "go with the flow". I think "go with the flow" means sleep with me and later i'll decide if i actually want something with you or not. I don't like the sound of it... and I dont like being called "difficult" or "complicated" because I dont go along with "the flow" aka sleeping with you when you show no sign of a commitment.

 

Eleanor you have two different view points so I guess you need to go with what suits you. Personally, I like to get to know someone quite well before being intimate with them. To try and establish the vital relationship fundamentals (trust, real feelings/connection, honesty, undertsanding, loyalty etc etc etc etc) before sleeping with them. I am not your standard guy. For the most part, I have always been this way. Respected myself and the girl I was with. I do not believe, you can establish a 'real connection' with someone after 3 or 4 dates (or less). I don't believe you should give yourself to someone, until you are very sure there is a future there. I am 36, but maybe my views are more old fashioned then my age.

 

That is my personal viewpoint. Dreamcity and MANY other posters on this site would disagree with my viewpoint(s). Everyone has the right to live their lives, the way they choose to. I may have my opinion(s) but it's not up to me to judge others (and vice versa) on the personal choices they make. That is what is so great about these forums. People have the right to express their opinions. It's up to you, to form your own opinion based on the points raised/debated.

 

If you feel the need to go to Therapy that is a personal choice. Just don't beat yourself up over this.

[geegirl]

Ugh I think all the movies about friends with benefits and no strings attached that came out this year have helped make this idea more acceptable and its gross.

 

I was listening to a radio show about a month ago and the topic was about Women and Casual Sex and One Night Stands. Close to 95% of all callers (women) stated that they would just prefer a one night stand or an FWB situation.

 

I live in a city where men have lost sense of the value of commitment and the art of courting. With the likes of dating sites, porn, etc., men have become emotionally desensitized. And it doesn't make it any easier when women have basically laid it all out on a silver platter. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? But women's views are changing, their needs are evolving so it's a shift that's happening and you either get on or you get off and hold out on what you believe in.

 

Men that want to commit to a true relationship, those that are emotionally available and want to stay true to old fashioned values are few and far between. It's tough to find a good egg in this day and age!