So why am I still crying?

[Lyka]

It's been 2 months since the breakup and 1 month since contact was made...

 

We met under auspicious circumstances and later on got set up on a blind date. I was a total virgin back then, 25 years old and could still count on one hand the amount of times I've kissed a girl. So, when she 'threatened' to kiss me if I kept on being cute, I just took her to mean a random kiss. I'll save the details, but for me it was a moment that left me in shock. I didn't think that A. Girls were capable of being jumpy and B. That anyone could like me that much. It was a fairytale perfect date, with us holding eachother until the sunrise.

 

The second date would be much the same, difference is during the time between the first date and until now, I was getting second doubts. She liked me a lot yea, but she was also already asking me if I count as her girlfriend yet (She was 19)...I felt nervous, but more then the fact I wasn't sure if I could be in a relationship or that she was trying to push one, I also wasn't sure of us in general. We were two different types of people. I'm a standard nerd who likes playing games until 2AM at home, while she's a girl that likes to go out to parties until 2AM. After talking with friends and searching myself, I broke it off with two weeks with a heavy heart. I liked her...she was sweet and everything, but I didn't feel we should be. She cried of course.

 

We kept contact with eachother and she told me that she still likes me and wants to be with me...essentially trying to change my mind. I was unsure...all I know is a week or so after the breakup, I go to her area, we meet up and apparently my body was set on autoflirt. I felt like a dick. I say one thing and here I am acting like nothing happens...after a bit of talking in a bar, we walk around, sit on a roof and talk. We hold eachothers hand at times, but nothing...then suddenly there was a silence of about an hour. Neither of us talked...all I know is suddenly the sun rising above us, I just stare at her and tell her awkwardly "I want to kiss you..." (Magic moment again!) and with that we were back together-ish.

 

I still didn't feel comfortable and I felt like I was cheapening her. She was trying to get over guys that use her for her body (Yes, the geek views making out as using her for her body. ) and I felt like I did the same...I couldn't tell if it was the hormones or my wanting. I still felt confused.

 

We still weren't official though. Not by my eyes...I still felt like I wasn't ready and that my dick had more control than my brain in how I was looking at her. Also, sure enough I was giving VERY mixed signals. I would tell her how much I like her and the things I want to do her (funny at the time, since I was a virgin. To her she was amazed I could talk like that and suggested I write erotic fiction with descriptions like I gave.) While at the same time I was trying to encourage her to see other guys and forget about me...

 

She was definitely considering it, and I remember there was a guy that was asking her out. I remember before our monumental date, that she told me the guy was an idiot and suddenly abandoned her on what was supposed to be their date. I remember cursing the guy...I don't know why I didn't tell my ex what I felt, or maybe once again it was just my dick taking control again...but we went on our date. This would be our 5th I believe and we were fooling around as normal, when the fooling around, got to...well, in short, I lost my virginity that night. I can't really explain why I did that, I just sorta accepted it.

 

I always told her the minute we slept together we would be a couple. I was not going to lie to her and make her feel dirty so I forced myself into the relationship. I told her with a sort of apathy "Oh yeah, definitely a couple". No conviction at all. I left her house about 20 minutes after the deed because I had to catch my last bus home...not even cuddling. I felt ashamed of myself...for forcing myself into something I wasn't sure of and of using her body again. Here's a girl that really likes me and wants to be with someone different and I treated her no different. I suppose the only difference between me and the other guys is, I had a sense of regret to what I was doing, since I cared about her feelings.

 

Like I said, by this time we were official, and while I still felt unsure of everything, I couldn't back out now...I *had* to give her a relationship if only to save her dignity and my own. The first month was rough on me, but it was definitely *coughs* fun *coughs*.

 

Fast forward to the end, we were together for 5 months and she was waiting for 3 words out of my mouth. Words I've considered saying, but never felt confident to say. I was never confident on my feelings on if I love her enough. During our last weekend get together (we only met on the weekends), she told me outright she loved me. I knew she was planning it for at least 2 months...but I told her to save it. When she told me, I didn't know how to react. I knew she loved me, or at least wanted to say the words, but I couldn't form the words. Instead I think I just told her "I care about you a lot" or something similar. She told me it doesn't matter, she'd wait!

 

We wouldn't see eachother again for 3 weeks because of schedules, but of course we still kept contact over Facebook and such...and of course the phone. The phone is something I'm not good at, I hate using it and I never know how to maintain a conversation more than 3 minutes. Of course she would drag them out for an hour somehow. She did it partly because of being bored at work and of course to talk to me and hear my voice. I would rarely call her because I never felt like I had something to say and I thought it would be silly for me to make a 5 minute convo "just because I wanted to hear your voice and make sure you're ok". I know it means a lot to girls, but, yea.

 

The night before our breakup we had a fight. Our first that I can recall...she was upset I don't take her out enough, that I don't care about her, she doesn't feel loved. She used to go out to parties until 5 in the morning and with me, we usually just sat in inside the house until 12 or whatever watching movies and walking around. She didn't want to take me dancing because she knew I disliked it...it was a rough thing and after a minute of silence, I just asked her to hang up. I got a "whatever" from her...

 

I was already busy talking to one of my close neutral friends and she knew of our situation, I told her maybe now it was for the best I break up with her. I can only see the fights getting worse after this...funnily enough by the next morning, those thoughts were over, and I was just thinking. I should call her up and apologize. She would call me. I was perky because shortly after that convo last night, she sent me a few text msgs saying everything was fine and I'm cute when confused...

 

Anyways, I happily answer "I was just thinking about you! ^_^", because I was. She would not respond the same...she was depressed. I played dumb and asked her what's wrong. She asked me if I love her. I froze on the spot. A. I wasn't sure if I did love her and B. Whatever I was feeling, I was not going to say it for the first time over the phone.

 

She said what she wanted and how she felt. Her friends thought I wouldn't care if we broke up. They were wrong. I cared. A lot. It was the tone of her voice, it was now I suddenly got my wish. I kept quiet on my feelings a lot because I always wanted to give her and myself an excuse for breaking up...guy doesn't love you, not compatible. Standard breakup. I don't know why I didn't try anything, but I just sorta half-cried on the phone apologizing that we never do anything and this...and eventually we both said what we wanted. 2 seconds after I hung up later I mouthed the words "I love you" to the air. I was half-preparing myself to say that or at the very least sit with her and tell her all my feelings.

 

I still wanted to see her, she tried to cheer me up...she even tried to get me to open up my feelings for her just to say it. But I didn't want to say anything over chats. I just told her I felt uncomfortable opening up. I saw her again the week we would've met up. My last thoughts before seeing her was face was to yell at her and tell her how much I hate her for leaving me. Now the feelings open up! Instead I saw her and hugged her for what seemed like an eternity.

 

I went inside her place and we talked about our breakup and how I've been...after some awkward pauses and her encouraging me I told her "I love you". It sounded pathetic, sort of like like slapping the air after being beaten up, but I said it and I felt like it was true. I care about her enough to say I love you. Saying I love you felt true. After 20 minutes of me complimenting her and her pressing me for sex (we just brokeup on good terms, duh). I went with it. It felt right. It was actually one of the more romantic ones...I don't know how to explain it, but you people know the type. It was the emotion involved. She invited me to stay in her place a bit longer, maybe we'll watch a movie together...but since I couldn't stay at her place that night (guests), I didn't want to, I just took the last bus home. I told her I didn't want to sleep at X friends house (with that I could've seen her the next day as well). Too awkward. The only bed I ever want to be with is in yours and with you.

 

The goodbye was sorta of happy, we kissed eachother like nothing was wrong and that "we'd talk". And talk we did, all throughout the week and I even told her I loved her over chat because it felt normal and confident to say. All seemed ok.

 

Then a day or two before I in theory wouldn't hear from her on the weekend due to work stuff, she asks me if I want to get back together (n theory, hypothetical question). I felt scared and shocked. I was a guy with little money to take her out, we didn't have the same interests and all her friends and facebook knew she broke up with me. While the first two might be a bit forgiveable, the last one wasn't...I felt us writing that we got back together about a week and a half after we broke up would make us look like the couples that always got back for no reason...and I wanted to preserve her dignity. I told her I'd think about it and that I'd even call.

 

I had no idea what I wanted or how to act...I avoided the phone, I didn't even send her any cue that I was thinking about it. I felt undecided and that maybe not telling her I love her again was for the best, we should remain apart. It's for the best. For both of us. Heck during out breakup meeting, I made a wish on an eyelash basically stating "I want whatever is best for both of us!". Yes, yes, vague wish even if they could be true...and I suppose chose to accept that us being apart is how the wish should be.

 

I decided that I wasn't the guy for her and she deserved someone better than me. Someone who was confident that he wanted to see her and could give her the attention she deserves...I didn't feel like that.

 

I guess I got my wish. The following Sunday, I talk to her as normal...and got the news that still hurts my heart to write. She found a new guy at her workplace...and they both "love" eachother very much and etc...

 

We broke apart a week and a half ago and already she's seeing another guy and they both "love" and "care" and whatever for eachother.

 

I was devastated. Devastated doesn't even come close. I pretended I was ok with it and happy with her and later on...I went into full retard mode. I basically told her how I felt worthless without her, she's the only person in the world I want, my only friend...just imagine 10 minutes of crying over chat. She more or less told me to STFU, get over it, do my own change (I also talked about personal problems) and that I was ruining her moment. She said she was over me 2 days after the breakup call, stopped crying, whatever. And here I am ruining her feelings and looking like a jerk. I immediately shutup as to not cause more problems, apologized, talked for another minute and then she went to sleep.

 

I would not see her online again or have contact with for a week. I felt so ashamed of myself for doing that. I let out my frustrations on her, I cried over her despite not trying to get back with her and worst of all I looked like a freak...heck she said it herself "Until you get your act together, keep your distance from me...you're starting to freak me out". I felt sick and worthless from hearing that.

 

I didn't talk to her the day I saw her online again, but rather the day after. Acting all cool and collected. I wasn't. We talked for a bit, no mention of that guy and whatever...we talked for 5 minutes over chat. We had another chat a week later, this one basically telling me we can meet up at an event in my area if I want. I was acting normal, so why not, I guess she thought. I would talk to her one last time to confirm she was indeed going.

 

I went to the event as normal with friends and acted normal for all aboutttt half an hour. After half an hour, I entered into super depressed mode and sat on the side until she arrived. When my friends finally left, I called her and asked her if she was in the area. Apparently she only arrived now and would be in my area in another 20 minutes or so. I sat and wait with a friend until she had to go.

 

I saw my ex...gave her a huge hug, we exchanged pleasantries, she introduced me to the guy she was seeing (two weeks in). Other than shaking his hand, I ignored him even when he tried talking to me. The kid was her age and a skater party goer like her. So, I guess she found someone with common interests. It was a bit awkward, I felt the tension...she's walking along the streets with the guy she's seeing and her ex. I was only walking with her because I wanted to tell her all my feelings again when I thought up a good time.

 

I never did, I felt it was unfair and weird to drag her to the side just to spill my feelings towards her, especially in front of that guy. After about 15 minutes of walking around, the guy went to smoke and she wandered around for a bit. I took this as an excuse to tell her I got to go and of course to say everything on my heart!

 

Instead the convo read something like this:

Me: "Hey....I gotta go, but umm...I feel awkward for saying this"

Her: "Oh ok, bye...and don't feel awkward...it's ok."

Me: "I love you...still...and yea..."

Her: "Aww...but nothing is going to change."

 

I hugged her again, waved goodbye and went on my way. 2 minutes later would be the first time I ever cried on the streets. I looked miserable and to the point where I was getting stopped on the streets to talk about it. I would give them my story...they would cheer me up. You'll find other girls...yatta yatta. It didn't matter and it's not as though I doubted it. In truth, I don't know why I cried.

 

My feelings hadn't changed. I still loved her, I felt more confident about saying it...or maybe I just convinced myself? But I still didn't feel we could be together. I was still scared over money issues...her dignity and of course compatibility on hobbies and such. I still felt like even if she told me she'd take me back, I wouldn't know how to respond.

 

The next morning I sent her a long mail, detailing all my feelings How all my dreams (Yes, seriously) had her in it, how I still cry about her every night, my fears, my feelings, my insecurities regarding the relationship. At the end I just told her how she changed my life for the better and regardless of whether or not we were together, I was happier for knowing her, that I would contact her one day and a final affirmation that I did indeed love her. One of the strongest ones I felt emotionally at the time.

 

I sent her that latter and would get a response 2 days later, saying she was touched by the letter and happy I felt love and loss, but nothing would change and she was just happy I finally opened up.

 

I sent that letter July 2nd and got my response July 4th. Except for her tagging me in pics from the event and commenting on a status (and me stupidly thanking her for reading my PM in a chat, she only responded with a 'hi'), the last any sort of contact between us was that PM. With that minor facebook stuff, I suppose July 6th-10th.

 

I know she can see my facebook (we never deleted eachother as said) and sometimes she'll catch me writing stuff about her passively...so I fear she knows I'm still not over her. But otherwise, I've had no direct contact with her since.

 

I've cried a dozen times and I skipped my birthday, because any birthday without her felt meaningless...heck yesterday was our 2 month breakup anniversary (yea, I'm sick in the head to remember that date) and that was actually a difficult day for me. I don't know why, but I cried twice that day, felt lots of pangs of depression and overall talked to the sky, G-d, my dog, whatever; hoping and praying she could feel my feelings and know I still love her mightily with all my heart.

 

It's funny that I write this. Because I still don't know if I want to be with her, some days I have feelings of she's better off without me and this is for the best and some days are all about how, we could've worked though it, maybe we could've had a longer relationship! (We only fought once after all).

 

I suppose one of the reasons I can't get over and still cry is because I don't know what I want. I want to hear that she still loves me despite seeing that guy for a month and a half now...but I know I'll never hear it. I told her I loved her far too late...after the relationship and it's only recently that I that I do indeed love her (or maybe I've just fully convinced myself?). Also, I rebuked/ran away/something else? from the only chance I would ever have of getting back with her. I doubt she'll take me back so quickly even if I was certain I wanted her. That's an ego bruise...I think...maybe?

 

She told me she also learned from the relationship. That she won't just randomly enter into a relationship/bed with the first guy that winks at her and compliments and I certainly hope it's true. I know I've learnt never to hold back feelings from someone, because eventually it will be too late.

 

I still don't know my own feelings, but All I know and have ever known is that I do indeed care for her and what's best for her even above my own feelings. I have no idea if that's love...but it's how I feel. She's still one of the most important people in the world to me and I miss her with all my heart.

 

I know it's meaningless to type it here, but I still feel I should.

 

I love you and I hope whatever you do and whomever you're with is only for the better. I hope we'll have contact again...for now, I still cry over you and you don't deserve that, regardless of how normal I act if I see you.

 

That's my story, that's my 4th wall finish. I just wanted to write this down, my details may change at times, but that's the bulk of the story...if you have any questions/comments...shoot. Otherwise, I'll leave this thread to its fate.

 

EDIT: Hmm, two minor edits and already I feel depressed and feel like I made a mistake and should've stuck with her. Oh silly heart of mines, what have you gotten me into?

Edited July 31, 2011 by Lyka

[lost.lamb]

I'm sorry to hear about your story. As I read through it, it reminded me of my ex even though the story is a lot different.

 

After my relationship, I've realized that similarities are really important and that you were right in that you don't think that you and her are compatible. I used to be the stay home type and my ex is the clubbing type. He used to make me feel insecure because he likes to meet new people. I don't regret being in the relationship with him but now when I look back, I will never date a clubber again because there are too many differences.

 

I think, what you are feeling is a sense of regret. Maybe you just think that you like her alot because she ended up liking another guy.

 

We grow and we change for the better or try to. ^_^ Everytime I look back and regret, I tell myself that it's a lesson about life. As long as we don't make the same mistakes, and work towards being better, that's all that it matters.

 

I hope that I've helped. Cheer up.

 

Oh and by the way, what I have found helps after a break up is actually going out and meeting my friends. It may be tempting to stay at home and sulk but I've found that it actually enables me to think about the good times with my ex and not wanting to move on. Now when I break up, I take classes (or do something I enjoy), I go shopping, I go clubbing, I talk to my friends. Please give that a try. ^_^

[Lyka]

Oh, I would date a clubber again, but only one like her. Or rather maybe just her. I'd go through the 2 months of pain I still go through for even 5 minutes alone with her.

 

As for regret...that could be it...but I also had high feelings of affection, even if I was a bit bored in the relationship with her. I suppose they went to overdrive when it was over officially. Now, they're stuck. Although it's not all true...I was slowly developing some form of feelings and there were a few times I wanted to tell her "I Love You", I just hid them because I felt it would make our relationship more difficult when we would break up.

 

There's still a part of me that wants to get back with her...and each time I do, my brain tells me that we're for the better without eachother. My heart and brain are dueling and each are correct.

 

Nowadays to cheer myself up, I think of a happy memory, like those magic moments I wrote...or any time I held her...thinking about her while maintaining positive thoughts gives me a euphoria of feelings.

 

Friends are just distractions...I go out every now and then, but I think I'm over the fact I need friends to help me, short of conversations on chat. When I go out, I just want to go out...

 

Man, I'm depressing myself. It's really difficult not to send her a message every day screaming I Love You. Not I love you and want you back, just I want you to know I still love you and nothing else. :X

[lost.lamb]

It's hard to get over someone, I understand.

 

I guess that we're in the same boat. Well, they say time heal all wounds...

Before you know it, you'll be over her.

 

But try not to think too much of the good times. When I think about the good memories with my ex, it gets harder to get over him.

 

You are selfless for wanting to tell her that you still love her. Maybe it's time that you think about yourself now? ^___^ This is what I'm trying to do after my ex broke up with me yesterday.

[Lyka]

I do think about myself and am trying to set up new dates. If all goes well, I'll be seeing a new girl next week, and another girl I've been talking to for the last month in another 3 weeks(She's leaving on a trip soon).

 

and I don't find it very selfless to tell her I love her. She's trying to get over me...I mean there was a good chance if she didn't start dating someone we'd be together again.

 

Hiding your feelings and your pain is selfish in a relationship, but once broken up...it's the most selfless thing you can do to not make the situation worse. Like I learned.

[lost.lamb]

I apologize for typing this but is it a good idea to set up new dates when you are not over her? ^^; I mean, what if you don't have feelings for the other girls?

 

I guess it's easier said than done but do you really want to be with her again? But then again, I'd still jump into a relationship with my ex if he wanted me back... but sometimes I question myself and tell myself that it's definitely not worth feeling pain over again...

[Lyka]

I can't tell how over her I truly am. I can't tell how truly in love I am with her, I can't tell if it's because of the guy or of it just exasperated my feelings and I can't tell if I would get back with her if I could...I mean I rejected the possibility once, why not twice? I cry because I'm confused and don't know what I want or my own TRUE feelings towards her...

 

Do I love her? Or do I just care about her enough not to hurt her? Or in between?

 

As for other girls, the same applies...I don't know how over her I am. I went on a psuedo-date with a girl I like (and I dated once a year ago). Of course since I like her, I didn't think about my ex, but rather how much I really like this girl and how happy she makes me feel. I don't know how I'll feel to a girl I don't know that well...but while I'm potentially playing around with their emotions, I have to do something and not just go "Welp, I think I'm better". I need to test my own comforts, even if it means screwing it up with a girl I might've liked had I been comfortable normally.