lonelynyc Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Well, I got the call I was waiting for, and predictably I have been in much more pain than I was before. At least prior to the phone call I was comforted by the ambiguity--maybe she'll want me back, but now it seems clear as day that won't happen. Even so, I still have so many unanswered questions. I tried to enjoy my Saturday the best I could. Played basketball for most of the day, then went out with friends at night. Still, my mind was stuck on her. Out of the blue she calls me at 11:30 PM, and her voice sounds muted and sad, like she had been crying for hours. She doesn't say much, which was odd, considering she was the one who called me. I found myself carrying the conversation. Like an *******, I tearfully blurt out why haven't contacted her, admitting that it's been one of the toughest periods of my life, and that I did it because I love her and if not speaking to me made her happier, I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness indefinitely. Then, and this is the grand finale, I ask her if she still loves me... I know I am an idiot who ignored every piece of sound advice I have encountered on this forum. She tells me she doesn't want to talk about it. From there, she tells me that she's in too much pain over transgressions I committed within our relationship, when we were first dating 2 years ago. I did behave selfishly and immaturely, but this stuff happened a while back. I had been 100% devoted and faithful since. Still, she tells me she doesn't even want to think about me with someone else moving forward (despite not wanting to be with me), and prods me over whether or not I contacted my other ex since the NC began (NEVER would go down that road again). My current ex is/was my best friend. I have been coping with my father's terminal illness lately too, so I just let it all fall out of my mouth about that ordeal, and she tells me that she wants to be there for me through it all, but I don't know how comfortable I am with that. I know it's her prerogative to not be able to let go of my past sins. I just wish she could have told me I'd never be forgiven a year and a half ago. Still, it's like she's telling me she can't be with me, yet she talks to me like someone she is still very much in love with, as she doesn't want to think of me with anyone else, and wants me to see all the changes she's making to her apartment. What does all of this mean? I messed things up when we were both 21 years old (now 23)... I know it's not like being high school age, but still, I was a very young man, and I've grown a great deal even since then, and will continue to... Is there really no such thing as a 2nd act for 2 people so young, who were so in love? You'll all tell me to abandon hope, I just don't know how to yet. What the **** am I doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Okay dude. Chalk it up to lessons learned. She couldn't tell you that she loved you because, let's face it. She isn't feeling it. It sounds like you were cheating on her early into your relationship with her. Let me tel you, they won't forget that kind of pain anytime soon. Why she contacted you? I don't know. But, I'm sure you didn't feel any better after that conversation and I'm sure she didn't either. so..... Stay NC, heal and move on.... Lessons learned...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelynyc Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 Okay dude. Chalk it up to lessons learned. She couldn't tell you that she loved you because, let's face it. She isn't feeling it. It sounds like you were cheating on her early into your relationship with her. Let me tel you, they won't forget that kind of pain anytime soon. Why she contacted you? I don't know. But, I'm sure you didn't feel any better after that conversation and I'm sure she didn't either. so..... Stay NC, heal and move on.... Lessons learned...... She texted me after our conversation and said "Despite everything, I love you." She's just giving me thousands of mixed signals. I don't know, life is funny. I shouldn't count on it, but I think with enough time, she might give us a real chance. It could be a long long time from now. We both might be in several new relationships before that happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts