Dumpers regret? Really?

[samm84]

Like many people here, I've read through this forum as I've been sat hoping that my ex might realise that she's made the biggest mistake of her life.

 

I can't get over the fact that there are so many dumpees' threads about the hopes of reuniting and making up, yet there are so few from the dumpers perspective. I feel it speaks volumes as to the sort of mindset dumpers are in.

 

Has anyone had any experiences that demonstrate the dumper sending more than just an email or text in order to reach out and fix things?

 

Does it ever make people change for the better and make relationships work out in the end?

 

I don't know why, but I guess I'm still looking for some signs of hope.

[MissMoni]

I'm not holding my breath for my ex to contact me. I am sure that some may feel guilty or bad for hurting us or may even wish to truly be able to have a "friendly" relationship with us because they miss certain things about us, just not being in a relationship with us. But the fact remains that they had their reasons for doing so, and nothing can change that. Exes are exes for a reason.

 

They say the best revenge is living well, so maybe those dumpers who do come back are just wondering how we are doing without them. Like an ego stroke. I don't know. I am still confused because my ex contacted me a couple of times via text after we broke up, but by and large it was me contacting him. He never called, e-mailed, or put up much of an effort after the breakup so I did what I had to do and have been ignoring him. I thought this is what he wanted. To my surprise, in the past and now my ex has checked my online blog, facebook, and even recently my LinkedIn page...why? I'm not sure. He has NEVER reached out to me in more than a text message. I stopped talking to him because he made it seem like he couldn't care less about me. Is he having remorse? I don't know.

 

The angry side of me wants to scream "LOOK AT ME NOW!! HAHA!" and hope he is feeling as much pain and rejection and hurt that I felt. I think he thinks that since it's been almost 9 months that I'd be over it since he's over it (at least I think he is.) and that we would be back on "friendly" terms by now.

 

Jokes on him. The time apart has actually strengthened me not really wanting to be friends with him, if only because he broke my heart and I have seen what kind of person he can be. But I think that once they realize you are moving on and not pining over them, dumpers may wonder why you still don't want them in your life...

 

If they wanted to fix things with you, they would. I used to trick myself into staying in contact with my ex by thinking, "Well, if I don't contact him, he will think I hate him and then be afraid to contact me."

 

The way I see it is, I don't want a coward in a friend or a lover. They have our numbers. They can call. They can show up on our doorstep. They can do more than text. They don't because they don't want to. If my ex is too proud to admit that he misses me or that he wants to be friends, it's his issue, not mine.

Edited July 2, 2011 by MissMoni

[thelovingkind]

There's definitely a reason that 98 percent of the users on this breaks and breaking up forum have been dumped. Dumpers just aren't thinking about it anymore. They're not tossing and turning, swamped with concerns about whether they made the right decision. They're not lying in bed at night staring up into the darkness wondering what those of us on the other side of the equation are doing. Breaking up with someone just isn't one of those things that you do unless you're pretty damn sure you're never going to need that person back in your life again.

[bikinibeach]

i was the dumper.

 

i DID think about it. obsessively. for a good while (well, 3 weeks or so).

 

i'd never had to break up with someone i still cared about and actually wanted to be with.

 

but i had to look at the facts: he wasn't going to change. and even if he was, i didn't deserve to suffer in the background while i waited for it.

 

i DIDN'T regret my decision. not for one second! but i did miss the good times. i waffled between wishing things could have been different and wishing that we had never met.

 

looking back, it was all serendipitous. everything happened with such great timing. everything was as it should be.

[samm84]

 

If they wanted to fix things with you, they would. I used to trick myself into staying in contact with my ex by thinking, "Well, if I don't contact him, he will think I hate him and then be afraid to contact me."

 

 

Its funny when you look at it, how dumpees are scared to break contact for fear of their exs moving on.

 

Dumpers seem to do very little to make contact, yet they are excessively doted on.

 

Bikinibeach, I wish I was as level headed as you! But being the dumpee, I still want her back despite everything.

 

I think its the dread of seeing her with another man that's driving me back to her. Does'nt help that she lives next door either.

Edited July 2, 2011 by samm84

[O_O]

Well, technically I've been the dumper in both of my relationships, so I'll try to answer, although I may not have the perspective you're looking for. For the first I do not regret it at all, although it was incredibly painful at the time. He basically became meaner and meaner, saying nasty things, making fun of me in front of other people, and avoiding talking to me. That went on for months. Finally I had enough and I dumped him. Frankly he seemed relieved by it, and he immediately turned back into the nice guy I'd fallen for, so I'm fairly certain that he'd actually wanted to dump me but didn't have the guts to do it.

 

For this most recent breakup, yes, I regret it. Once again I felt backed into a corner, though. After a fight he decided to take a spontaneous weekend trip with a group of women without mentioning it to me. When I asked him (by text) why he hadn't let me know he told me he didn't think he should have to run things by me. I actually agreed with that, since my problem was with how he didn't even mention it to me at all, not that he took the trip in the first place. So I let it go until he got back. Then I asked if we could talk, and he basically told me I was irritating, he was sick of me, and he was too busy to talk. I said okay, please let me know when you have time to talk.

 

For the next week I heard nothing from him, but pictures and comments popped up on his facebook that strongly hinted that he'd been flirting with several of the women on the trip. Finally I saw a blatant flirtatious exchange in which he invited one of them over to his apartment. I had a minor breakdown and I dumped him over IM at about 4 am, when he wasn't at his computer. I really regret doing that. He did reply, and he told me that he hadn't intended to break up with me but he needed time and space. Hearing that hurt even more, because I feel like the whole mess could have been avoided if he'd just said that in the first place.

 

So yeah, I'm the dumper, I have huge regrets, and I hurt like hell right now. Especially since he keeps contacting me. Last night I tried to talk to him and ask him once more if we could talk in person about what happened (it was a month ago, btw). Once again he basically said he was too busy. I know I hurt him, but he hurt me too. And I do want him back, but if we can't even have a conversation about our problems then that pretty much isn't going to happen.

[bikinibeach]

Well, technically I've been the dumper in both of my relationships, so I'll try to answer, although I may not have the perspective you're looking for. For the first I do not regret it at all, although it was incredibly painful at the time. He basically became meaner and meaner, saying nasty things, making fun of me in front of other people, and avoiding talking to me. That went on for months. Finally I had enough and I dumped him. Frankly he seemed relieved by it, and he immediately turned back into the nice guy I'd fallen for, so I'm fairly certain that he'd actually wanted to dump me but didn't have the guts to do it.

 

For this most recent breakup, yes, I regret it. Once again I felt backed into a corner, though. After a fight he decided to take a spontaneous weekend trip with a group of women without mentioning it to me. When I asked him (by text) why he hadn't let me know he told me he didn't think he should have to run things by me. I actually agreed with that, since my problem was with how he didn't even mention it to me at all, not that he took the trip in the first place. So I let it go until he got back. Then I asked if we could talk, and he basically told me I was irritating, he was sick of me, and he was too busy to talk. I said okay, please let me know when you have time to talk.

 

For the next week I heard nothing from him, but pictures and comments popped up on his facebook that strongly hinted that he'd been flirting with several of the women on the trip. Finally I saw a blatant flirtatious exchange in which he invited one of them over to his apartment. I had a minor breakdown and I dumped him over IM at about 4 am, when he wasn't at his computer. I really regret doing that. He did reply, and he told me that he hadn't intended to break up with me but he needed time and space. Hearing that hurt even more, because I feel like the whole mess could have been avoided if he'd just said that in the first place.

 

So yeah, I'm the dumper, I have huge regrets, and I hurt like hell right now. Especially since he keeps contacting me. Last night I tried to talk to him and ask him once more if we could talk in person about what happened (it was a month ago, btw). Once again he basically said he was too busy. I know I hurt him, but he hurt me too. And I do want him back, but if we can't even have a conversation about our problems then that pretty much isn't going to happen.

 

...............are you nuts?

 

get help.

[FeelingSmall]

 

 

For the next week I heard nothing from him, but pictures and comments popped up on his facebook that strongly hinted that he'd been flirting with several of the women on the trip. Finally I saw a blatant flirtatious exchange in which he invited one of them over to his apartment. I had a minor breakdown and I dumped him over IM at about 4 am, when he wasn't at his computer. I really regret doing that. He did reply, and he told me that he hadn't intended to break up with me but he needed time and space. Hearing that hurt even more, because I feel like the whole mess could have been avoided if he'd just said that in the first place.

 

So yeah, I'm the dumper, I have huge regrets, and I hurt like hell right now. Especially since he keeps contacting me. Last night I tried to talk to him and ask him once more if we could talk in person about what happened (it was a month ago, btw). Once again he basically said he was too busy. I know I hurt him, but he hurt me too. And I do want him back, but if we can't even have a conversation about our problems then that pretty much isn't going to happen.

 

 

What he did/said to you is making ME foam at the mouth... Some breakups should not be regretted. This is one of them.

 

I don't regret breaking up with my ex at all. I regret the pain that we both felt, but we were both better off and did not compliment eachother well. So wherever he is I hope he's happy and doing amazing.

[Kilty]

Well, technically I've been the dumper in both of my relationships, so I'll try to answer, although I may not have the perspective you're looking for. For the first I do not regret it at all, although it was incredibly painful at the time. He basically became meaner and meaner, saying nasty things, making fun of me in front of other people, and avoiding talking to me. That went on for months. Finally I had enough and I dumped him. Frankly he seemed relieved by it, and he immediately turned back into the nice guy I'd fallen for, so I'm fairly certain that he'd actually wanted to dump me but didn't have the guts to do it.

 

For this most recent breakup, yes, I regret it. Once again I felt backed into a corner, though. After a fight he decided to take a spontaneous weekend trip with a group of women without mentioning it to me. When I asked him (by text) why he hadn't let me know he told me he didn't think he should have to run things by me. I actually agreed with that, since my problem was with how he didn't even mention it to me at all, not that he took the trip in the first place. So I let it go until he got back. Then I asked if we could talk, and he basically told me I was irritating, he was sick of me, and he was too busy to talk. I said okay, please let me know when you have time to talk.

 

For the next week I heard nothing from him, but pictures and comments popped up on his facebook that strongly hinted that he'd been flirting with several of the women on the trip. Finally I saw a blatant flirtatious exchange in which he invited one of them over to his apartment. I had a minor breakdown and I dumped him over IM at about 4 am, when he wasn't at his computer. I really regret doing that. He did reply, and he told me that he hadn't intended to break up with me but he needed time and space. Hearing that hurt even more, because I feel like the whole mess could have been avoided if he'd just said that in the first place.

 

So yeah, I'm the dumper, I have huge regrets, and I hurt like hell right now. Especially since he keeps contacting me. Last night I tried to talk to him and ask him once more if we could talk in person about what happened (it was a month ago, btw). Once again he basically said he was too busy. I know I hurt him, but he hurt me too. And I do want him back, but if we can't even have a conversation about our problems then that pretty much isn't going to happen.

 

Get yourself some self respect girl !

 

God sometimes i wish my ex was more like some of the girls on here lol.

 

I really dont think you want him back - i think you have extremely low self esteem at the moment.

[GreenPolicy]

Pretty much everybody on this board is a dumpee. The few dumpers that are here are most likely "emotional dumpees" in that they only ended their relationships reluctantly because they weren't getting their needs met by their exes, and stayed well past the point that they should have.

[Forever Learning]

Get yourself some self respect girl !

 

God sometimes i wish my ex was more like some of the girls on here lol.

 

I really dont think you want him back - i think you have extremely low self esteem at the moment.

 

 

i agree - i think you ( new member named " O_O ") dumped a loser / player, and you did the RIGHT thing getting rid of him.

 

he was treating you like sh*t.

 

ooooohhh but don't feel alone, i know this all to well because it's happened to me many times.

 

i really hate the 'i'm too busy to talk' bullsh*t.

 

99% of the time it means they KNOW they are wrong and have acted like a complete loser, but don't want to talk about it. very common avoidance tactic that players/ losers use. be aware of it for next time. and work on developing boundaries. it's not ok for your boyfriend to run off with a group of women and not be willing to discuss this with you.

 

it also sounded like he was keeping you on the back burner for sex mostly. been there done that, it sucks, don't accept it in your life. you are smarter now though, that is the past, now you know, you can spot a player a mile away, just keep getting more and more enlightened! all the best!

[Sugarkane]

Whatever people might say about the dumper feeling guilty, it hurts a lot more to be dumped.

I'd rather be the dumper everytime. They only have to deal with a little guilt, if even that. They aren't even thinking about the dumpee. But as the dumpee you have to see your ex usually with someone else 5 minutes later and being replaced. Also trying to work out WTF happened. And also teh depression as the result of it.

[Sugarkane]

In my experience they never regret what they did, no matter how cruel they were. Because:

 

1. They actually ahve to think about someone else besides themselves and that would cause them to feel guilt.

2. They're so selfish and arrogant, they think they're perfect and can do no worng.

3. They completely cut you off, so they don't have to deal with you.

4. They're attractive and can get anyone they want. So there's always someone else that they can use and screw over next.

[Sugarkane]

Also they'd actually ahve to admit that they were wrong and what dumper actually ever does that? None.

[leftfordead2]

I'm not holding my breath for my ex to contact me. I am sure that some may feel guilty or bad for hurting us or may even wish to truly be able to have a "friendly" relationship with us because they miss certain things about us, just not being in a relationship with us. But the fact remains that they had their reasons for doing so, and nothing can change that. Exes are exes for a reason.

 

They say the best revenge is living well, so maybe those dumpers who do come back are just wondering how we are doing without them. Like an ego stroke. I don't know. I am still confused because my ex contacted me a couple of times via text after we broke up, but by and large it was me contacting him. He never called, e-mailed, or put up much of an effort after the breakup so I did what I had to do and have been ignoring him. I thought this is what he wanted. To my surprise, in the past and now my ex has checked my online blog, facebook, and even recently my LinkedIn page...why? I'm not sure. He has NEVER reached out to me in more than a text message. I stopped talking to him because he made it seem like he couldn't care less about me. Is he having remorse? I don't know.

 

The angry side of me wants to scream "LOOK AT ME NOW!! HAHA!" and hope he is feeling as much pain and rejection and hurt that I felt. I think he thinks that since it's been almost 9 months that I'd be over it since he's over it (at least I think he is.) and that we would be back on "friendly" terms by now.

 

Jokes on him. The time apart has actually strengthened me not really wanting to be friends with him, if only because he broke my heart and I have seen what kind of person he can be. But I think that once they realize you are moving on and not pining over them, dumpers may wonder why you still don't want them in your life...

 

If they wanted to fix things with you, they would. I used to trick myself into staying in contact with my ex by thinking, "Well, if I don't contact him, he will think I hate him and then be afraid to contact me."

 

The way I see it is, I don't want a coward in a friend or a lover. They have our numbers. They can call. They can show up on our doorstep. They can do more than text. They don't because they don't want to. If my ex is too proud to admit that he misses me or that he wants to be friends, it's his issue, not mine.

 

Just curious, how did you know he was checking your blog and facebook?

[O_O]

Yep, I'm pretty nuts, actually. I've never been very confident, especially when it comes to guys, and the previous ex's attempt to get me to dump him ground what little confidence I had down into nothing. At least this time around I managed to do the right thing after only a week, instead of months (because he hadn't done anything like this before, believe it or not). I'm working on it, though I can't afford professional help, so mostly I'm reading self help books and trying not to go nuts...

[O_O]

Thanks everyone who pointed out that I did the right thing (and am being a total moron about it), I was pretty convinced of it myself until last night, when he insisted that he hadn't done anything wrong. Apparently I'm very gullible.

 

I guess I just posted to point out, though, that there are dumpers out there who aren't unfeeling *******s. I mean, I doubt people like my ex are posting on LS, but there are reasons to dump people beyond the crappy ones that pop up in peoples' posts around here, and some of them are very good reasons.

[69ways]

I personally believe every case is different.

 

My ex dumped me and then met me for a few days and we had a blast, this shows she was not sure.

 

After that she kept calling or texting every few days.

I can tell you she did most of the calling and texting, even email my sisters wishing she did not feel empty inside her.

 

I had to ask her to stop calling me after 4 months!!!! unless she had something significant to say to me.

 

She tool it ok but was upset and even agreed with me that was for the best.

 

Anw the bottom line is that is deepens, i believe dumpers have a huge ego, therefore they dont fight for the relationship but they prefer to sink themselves and us into pain.

[MissMoni]

I believe that every breakup is different as well. My ex wasn't an ******* to be fair, he did what he needed to do to be happy. The relationship wasn't working, and in the end he was he brave one who could be the "bad guy" and cut off what was unhealthy to both of us, a very severely codependent relationship on my part. Yes, I am angry at the time and way he did it, when I wanted to fix things so much. The worst part is he's not a jerk. He's actually a very nice person. We just didn't bring out those parts in eachother. And as hard as it is, I wish after all the hurt we could try to be friends. I am sure that he feels some kind of regret there - not regret the relationship didn't work, but regret that we could have become such strangers to another. And perhaps I am just projecting my own feelings on him! Maybe he doesn't care at all, lol.

 

Just curious, how did you know he was checking your blog and facebook?

 

I knew he was checking my FB because he would randomly comment on my posts (even though he doesn't talk to me

in real life...o_0) and when I would do things like deactivate my account and even when I deleted him, he

must have noticed immediately (his IP address would show up repeatedly on my blog during those times_).

 

In any case, for healing it seems better to operate under the "They don't care about me at all." It's self-defeating but at the end I just couldn't take the, "He cares about me, but not enough to be in a relationship with me." It hurts, but we must understand that when someone dumps another, it is a decision they think about long and hard. It's not spur of the moment. To us it feels that way. I even accused my ex of making rash decisions and he actually told me, "This isn't spur of the moment for me." So they do think about it. By the time they do it, nothing and no one will change their minds. I think the regret they feel is slim to none. The only "regret" may be to their ego..

[samm84]

By the time they do it, nothing and no one will change their minds. I think the regret they feel is slim to none. The only "regret" may be to their ego..

 

I think you've hit the nail on the head.

 

Now that I think about it, I do have a story where me and my ex got back together. She did change for the better and she really made an effort... for about 3 months.

 

I think that once someone emotionally checks out of the relationship its pretty much a lost cause. We did get back together but she ended up contacting the guy we broke up about after promising that she wouldn't, then cheated on me with someone completely different!

 

Maybe it was desperation to get out of the relationship, she just couldn't deal with breaking up with me again.

 

Whats more confusing are the events that followed after the break up:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t285419/

 

 

I get the feeling that she had a very bruised ego.

[Geya]

You'll get very confused if you started thinking of your ex regretting their decision, thing is put yourself in their shoes, did you ever feel like breaking up? did you ever feel like wanting to get out or think of stop loving them and DO it? I bet not, but they did. That's not the best formula for a relationship, when someone decides they want out, the relationship is really broken.

I never thought I wanted to breakup with him, i really wanted us to be together forever, but he on th other hand wanted out, why should I put up with that? We all need to be with people who want to be with us just as much as we want to be with them, who love us just like we love them.

 

 

Accepting whatever little they give you will never work and eventually the relationship will die. And YES even if they come back they're most likely to leave again, they feel guilty & doubtful for a while, so they come back checking if they made the right decision (while you think they came back because it's "true love" and they couldn't live without you, wrong.)

And then when they make sure that the reasons for breaking up are still there, they check out again.

I have seen it first hand, and it happened to me, there's nothing I regret more than letting my ex walk all over me over and over and me being so blind and letting him in when he broke the trust we had months and months ago. I've read somewhere that 90% of the time the couples who broke up and got bac together break up again, so save yourself the drama and the pain and go look for someone who REALLY wants to be with you and won't wake up one day and just give up just like that.

[coltsfan1]

I was left in a horrible manner, but I do believe people regret treating another person in a bad way. Now whether the dumper regrets the break up that is a whole other question.

 

But take it from a man that tried to get back with his ex and did, generally it doesn't work out. It actually ended worse the second time than the first time!

[FeelingSmall]

Also they'd actually ahve to admit that they were wrong and what dumper actually ever does that? None.

 

Wow, what a statement... Grow up.

[MissMoni]

 

Accepting whatever little they give you will never work and eventually the relationship will die. And YES even if they come back they're most likely to leave again, they feel guilty & doubtful for a while, so they come back checking if they made the right decision (while you think they came back because it's "true love" and they couldn't live without you, wrong.)

And then when they make sure that the reasons for breaking up are still there, they check out again.

 

I agree with Geya. There is no point in wondering if our exes regret because we will never know what goes on in their heads. And them not being on these boards analyzing over and over what went wrong and trying to keep reaching out to us kind of just proves that...they are not as invested in what went wrong or why as we are. They took their hurt and learned to live their lives, which is what we need to do.

 

What is sad and true about Geya's post is that after a breakup we probably unwittingly pushed them away even more. I know I kept trying to be "friends" with my ex and I regret pushing him to talk to me, to text me, etc. To me, it wasn't "pushing" because I would only try to talk to him once every couple weeks or months but looking back it probably made me look like I was trying to manipulate his guilt into staying friends with me. Which I regret because in a way I sort of was. We have to suck up our losses and move on. I know that I can't change the way I acted after the breakup, only can learn from it. It was my first breakup and I was devastated. I did all of the classic "DO NOTS" and I regret things I have said and done, because honestly in my hurt, I didn't know any better. We can't take back the past. The best thing to do is to forget about them and move on with our lives. If and ever they want to be apart of them, they will let us know.

 

I am confident of that.