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Personal Growth after breakup


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I would first like to thank this wonderful community of caring people, without this group I wouldn't know where to go to. So I wish all of you the best of luck in your problems. If I could I would post on your threads but I have little to no experience..

 

My girlfriend of 1 year and 8 months cheated on me and has moved on, but she got me to dump her before she started dating him. But I knew of him a few months before we broke up. ( We broke up a week ago ) I really don't know what to do from now on. I'm the loner type and I don't keep in contact with many people, I have avoidant personality disorder and its hard for me to be in social situations. She was my partner in everything, she was the only person I was comfortable around and now shes gone. That being said I don't know if I would ever be able to find another girl like her or any at all, I don't want to doubt myself but that's the truth. What ever confidence I had was taken away from me, my ego is like -1million. The only people I hang out with are these guys that live in my apartment but they are all 10 years+ than me. I turn 19 in 2 months, If for my birthday I could have her back I would. I just don't know what to do now. This is my first break up and first relationship. What would be the healthy thing to do? I don't talk about my relationship problems to anyone but you guys and gals..

Edited by Mnesic
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I would first like to thank this wonderful community of caring people, without this group I wouldn't know where to go to. So I wish all of you the best of luck in your problems. If I could I would post on your threads but I have little to no experience..

 

My girlfriend of 1 year and 8 months cheated on me and has moved on, but she got me to dump her before she started dating him. But I knew of him a few months before we broke up. ( We broke up a week ago ) I really don't know what to do from now on. I'm the loner type and I don't keep in contact with many people, I have avoidant personality disorder and its hard for me to be in social situations. She was my partner in everything, she was the only person I was comfortable around and now shes gone. That being said I don't know if I would ever be able to find another girl like her or any at all, I don't want to doubt myself but that's the truth. What ever confidence I had was taken away from me, my ego is like -1million. The only people I hang out with are these guys that live in my apartment but they are all 10 years+ than me. I turn 19 in 2 months, If for my birthday I could have her back I would. I just don't know what to do now. This is my first break up and first relationship. What would be the healthy thing to do? I don't talk about my relationship problems to anyone but you guys and gals..

 

She cheated on you man, so believe me when I say it, you'll find someone better. It may seem hopeless now, but you're only 19 and there is nothing wrong with being single. You just have to get past these first few weeks.

 

I just got dumped too, just over a month ago by the only person I've ever felt truly comfortable around. Three years gone. Future? gone. The only person I was myself around. She was also my partner in everything. We spent every minute we could together. Days are up and down. The separation is so hard to deal with it. But every week it slowly gets better.

 

One day my friend, we'll no longer care what they're doing or who they're with. I promise you that.

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HeartOfAPhoenix

Healthy thing to do?

 

well don't do drugs, alcohol, or any other mind alter substance (it may seem like it makes things better but it worsens them in the long haul)

 

set aside time to grieve.

find a new hobby OR focus on a hobby you already do

I suggest working out because it makes you feel good.

prepare to hate her, love her, feel sorry for her, any emotion towards her (you will most likely have erratic changes of emotion towards her in the beginning)

analyse the relationship and focus on your flaws while in the relationship.

work on those flaws.

 

 

you mentioned you have APD, this might be the time to work on meeting new people and working on not avoiding them. doing this will be very hard for you but it will set you up with a new goal (getting over APD), will allow you to meet new people, boost your confidence, and greatly increase your chances of finding a new girl (probably won't be right off, but still).

 

you can also hang out with the people in your building, or family members if they are around. I hang with my family all the time now, and until hanging out with them I had no idea what I was missing out on.

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She cheated on you man, so believe me when I say it, you'll find someone better. It may seem hopeless now, but you're only 19 and there is nothing wrong with being single. You just have to get past these first few weeks.

 

I just got dumped too, just over a month ago by the only person I've ever felt truly comfortable around. Three years gone. Future? gone. The only person I was myself around. She was also my partner in everything. We spent every minute we could together. Days are up and down. The separation is so hard to deal with it. But every week it slowly gets better.

 

One day my friend, we'll no longer care what they're doing or who they're with. I promise you that.

 

 

Healthy thing to do?

 

well don't do drugs, alcohol, or any other mind alter substance (it may seem like it makes things better but it worsens them in the long haul)

 

set aside time to grieve.

find a new hobby OR focus on a hobby you already do

I suggest working out because it makes you feel good.

prepare to hate her, love her, feel sorry for her, any emotion towards her (you will most likely have erratic changes of emotion towards her in the beginning)

analyse the relationship and focus on your flaws while in the relationship.

work on those flaws.

 

 

you mentioned you have APD, this might be the time to work on meeting new people and working on not avoiding them. doing this will be very hard for you but it will set you up with a new goal (getting over APD), will allow you to meet new people, boost your confidence, and greatly increase your chances of finding a new girl (probably won't be right off, but still).

 

you can also hang out with the people in your building, or family members if they are around. I hang with my family all the time now, and until hanging out with them I had no idea what I was missing out on.

 

Thank you both , I will consider everything you guys have said. She called me an hour ago when i didnt answer her random text and tried to small talk although she was waiting for me to give in and ask her if she needed help. I simply told her what she asked and then I told her I had to go, I dont know what she was intending because she could of called anyone else, but I plan on NC or very LC.

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Sorry... complete side note, I have never heard the term "avoidant personality disorder", im no doctor, but I think I suffer from this. On that note, I'm not sure about you, but I find I can talk through text and instant messenger programs with relative ease. In fact, if you met me after having a conversation with me over one of these methods, you'd swear it wasn't me you were talking to. Point being, maybe getting involved in internet groups of some sort may be your ticket to building relationships, making friends, and meeting new people. Alright, just my 2 cents. Good luck, and if you do nothing else, go work out, getting in shape and building a kick ass body will make anyone feel good about themselves and it gives you something to do.

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Good morning, Mnesic.

 

You sound like a real good guy. I was also cheated on, so I know how much that hurts and how much it can tear down your confidence. This being your first breakup and first relationship has to be factored in, because the heartache that is felt is not something that anyone can describe, is it? Never thought it would be this painful? I know, no one does. :mad::confused:

 

We're all going to say the same thing because it's true. This girl was your first GF, but she won't be your last. You need to spend some time building up your confidence and that's your challenge right now. Making yourself physically stronger is always a safe and standard bet, because no matter what happens to you, being fit is key. You're going to like yourself so much better when you actually feel fit and put goals in front of you, achieve them, and go on to the next.

 

I think it's great advice to join some online boards like LS to "talk" to people, learn from them, and impart your own thoughts as well. Do you have any hobbies, like music for example? I'm on a music forum and have not only learned a lot from my music friends, but it's a lot of fun to post on the forum. I feel respected for my opinions and respect the other posters. Lots of music forums love to hear from young guys like you, too, because you might have taste and know about music that older posters are missing.

 

I know lots of guys your age who do prefer to hang out with older friends. Nothing wrong with that. Do you feel you have much in common with the older guys or not? Maybe hanging out with them will give you confidence, too.

 

As for you ex, she was a learning experience, you know? I know it hurts and you're crushed right now, but with time, distance, and NC, you're going to leave her behind, and the next person you meet will surpass her. Please do not get tempted to want her back -- cheating is a deal breaker. Your pain and loneliness is talking, you know what I mean? She's not right for you, and you deserve more.

 

Great job deflecting her on the phone when she called. Keep NC as much as possible; it might make her contact you more because she is expecting you to grovel ... ha ha. Big surprise for your ex, eh? No groveling, no begging, no attempts to get her back. She treated you poorly, and you have some self-respect after all, see? Love it. :cool:

 

Hit the gym. Get fit, keep a healthy diet. Try to find some things to laugh and smile at. Know you're not alone. Know you're lovable. Know we understand. You're among friends here. Hope you have a nice day. Take care. :)

 

I would first like to thank this wonderful community of caring people, without this group I wouldn't know where to go to. So I wish all of you the best of luck in your problems. If I could I would post on your threads but I have little to no experience..

 

My girlfriend of 1 year and 8 months cheated on me and has moved on, but she got me to dump her before she started dating him. But I knew of him a few months before we broke up. ( We broke up a week ago ) I really don't know what to do from now on. I'm the loner type and I don't keep in contact with many people, I have avoidant personality disorder and its hard for me to be in social situations. She was my partner in everything, she was the only person I was comfortable around and now shes gone. That being said I don't know if I would ever be able to find another girl like her or any at all, I don't want to doubt myself but that's the truth. What ever confidence I had was taken away from me, my ego is like -1million. The only people I hang out with are these guys that live in my apartment but they are all 10 years+ than me. I turn 19 in 2 months, If for my birthday I could have her back I would. I just don't know what to do now. This is my first break up and first relationship. What would be the healthy thing to do? I don't talk about my relationship problems to anyone but you guys and gals..

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SCG_Sasa1111

Mnesic..This is identical to my situation man. I had the exact same thing happen to me back in November.We were together for 4.5 years. We are both 20 years old now.

 

This is wat briefly happened:

 

I left for my country back in May 2010 for 15 days and she couldn't handle the seperation and because of this the guy she is with now got closer to her when I was gone and she got attached. She was depressed without me, lost weight, didn't sleep and I guess him coming into the picture literally flicked a switch in her mind or something and she literally started "developing" feelings for him. What is really sad is that she said if I never left she wouldn't have ever felt anything for him. It was all out of lonelyness. She basically told me you leaving caused this if you never left this wouldn't have happened. So as all of you readers can see- if her telling me this what does that tell you about her as a person? It was all her who messed everything up. But according to her me leaving to visit my family that I haven't seen in 9 years is the reason she did it right? Give me a break.

I just realize at how stupid these excuses and everything that happened- it makes it so childish and it shows that love is truly blind.

 

 

This carried on til september of 2010 until I got fed up and broke up with her because she was being so cold, distant and just a completley different person.and she waited for me to break up with her after her avoidance and not caring anymore. We are both 20 years old. she is not my first girlfriend, but she is my first SERIOUS one if you can say.

 

She than was 50/50 for a bout 2 weeks with me didnt really want show a need to get back together but also would come over and stay in contact trying to "fix" things. Ye that was all b.s

 

I was oblivious too at the time. I knew she was avoiding me but I didn't want to accept it. Now i realize how blinded I was to all her actions.

 

In october I came to her place late at night after my soccer game only to find that the guy is there. This is literally maybe a week if not less than when we broke up. What's sad is i was so confident in her love for me and that she wouldn't do anything to hurt me i was completley taken back when this happened. I was in shock and to this day I have those images in my head of seeinng him come down the stairs as i am at the front.

 

What makes it worse is that this guy is complete opposite of me- I did not think of him as a threat at all. I considered him a guy who was into schoolwork more than anything else- not even close to my looks- the way i dress etc. complete opposite. He is in the same program as her in university and he was very much a guy who was just a friend with her- in her classes and stuff but in terms of as a guy she would date. Never in my life would I imagine her leaving me for him.

 

But look where we are now? 1 week after that incident they were together on fb (i heard from my close friend) so all in all I am in same situation as you. Its been almost 8 months since it happend and I have to tell you I am still having ups and downs. Its hard man but I really don't know anything else but to just continue on with my life. Its extremely hard. I never felt this much pain and lonelyness and just having the person you trusted and put first infront of everyone do this to you. It really makes you question people's motives and selfishness and you realize honestly, you realize everyone is in it for themselves. After 4.5 years for her to do that to me? If you asked me this 100 times id tell you the same answer - no. she is crazy about me- and she was but I guess things happened you can't control or foresee.

 

If there is anything I can take from this all is that everyone that I know our mutual friends that I talked to have all said that she made a terrible mistake leaving a 4.5 year relationship behind- her own SISTER said she hates what she did to me and she can't stand her bf now. All her close friends gave up on her and said she messed up completley and they don't even hang out with her anymore. So all i can say is everyone else sees- I didn't do anything wrong and I can take that with me. Time will tell wen she truly realizes her mistake.

 

A good quote:

 

Don't leave something good to see if you can find better, because once you realize you had the best, the best found better.

 

I just want you to know your not alone. I'm going through the same thing bro.

Edited by SCG_Sasa1111
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Thank you for your advice feeling, I do plan on working out although I'm not overweight I do want to look stronger

 

Good morning to you too graceful and thank you, I had just woke up from a bad dream about my ex and seeing this message made me feel all the better. While I was with my ex I sold my guitar on craigslist in order to give her a nice valentines day, I plan on buying a nylon string and start playing again along with working out. I get along with all ages.. Its just that its hard for initiating conversations and keeping them going. I'm going to try my best to stop snooping around her to find out more devastating info and keep the DC up.

 

Thank you for your advice SCG .I sorry for your loss you had it harder than I have. I hope one day I can view it like you and it will all be a memory, when my exgirlfriend had gotten with that new guy, all her friends supported her as they never did like me or thought I was good enough for her. I've been having a mix of emotions lately, and now I feel that it was my fault and my insecurities and low confidence drove her into another guy. I had dumped her because of her friends and suspicion of that guy that turned out to be true, so the quote you gave me I think it would apply to her.. she ended up having better.

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Why did she contact you by text and than called you if she left you for someone else?

 

She texted me and said "I'm walking tomorrow lol, I have to get my transcript but idk how much it is , I guess shes transferring schools since we broke up. I ignored her and she called me like 5-10 mins after she texted me, she said she was at a restaurant with her family and asked me details about the transcript..

 

I said, "I think its 2 dollars but you should call ahead so you don't have to wait when you go pick it up".

She said "ohhh, i thought it was 5 dollars", and she complains about how hot its going to be and she has to walk to go pick it up. ( I live really close to the high school we go used to go to )

I told her why don't you ask your friends / boyfriend to take you , and she replies I don't want to bother them or depend on him. I was silent for a good 10 secs and then she said bye and I also said bye.

 

I'm guessing she wants me to give her a ride or she wants to see me and thinks I'm going to give her the gift i had bought before we broke up. I know she really want this gift shes been wanting them for a long time. Of course I will not be giving it to her though.

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I'm gonna yell at you for just a sec. Don't ever give up your personal happiness for someone else! Done. You have probably heard it before, you can't be happy with anyone if you're not truly happy with yourself. I'm living through this too, hitting a mid-life crisis and 16+ years of marriage, I have lost myself in everything I have done, looking at myself in the mirror and wondering where the **** did I go to?!

 

Didn't mean to imply that you were over weight, just working on yourself to look good makes you feel good. Yeah, get stronger, if it's what you want, then go after it. I'm doing it too, I'll be 35 next month and will be in the best shape I have ever been in my life. It's noticeable, it feels good, feels great. Get a new axe, fellow musician here too, mine have been in the closet collecting dust. Find your outlets for your negative feelings. Do things that make you happy, not things you think will make someone else, or her, happy. Focus on yourself and things will fall into place. It's hard to see through the fog, you bump into **** on occasion, but you keep moving forward, soon it will all be clear.

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I'm gonna yell at you for just a sec. Don't ever give up your personal happiness for someone else! Done. You have probably heard it before, you can't be happy with anyone if you're not truly happy with yourself. I'm living through this too, hitting a mid-life crisis and 16+ years of marriage, I have lost myself in everything I have done, looking at myself in the mirror and wondering where the **** did I go to?!

 

Didn't mean to imply that you were over weight, just working on yourself to look good makes you feel good. Yeah, get stronger, if it's what you want, then go after it. I'm doing it too, I'll be 35 next month and will be in the best shape I have ever been in my life. It's noticeable, it feels good, feels great. Get a new axe, fellow musician here too, mine have been in the closet collecting dust. Find your outlets for your negative feelings. Do things that make you happy, not things you think will make someone else, or her, happy. Focus on yourself and things will fall into place. It's hard to see through the fog, you bump into **** on occasion, but you keep moving forward, soon it will all be clear.

 

Wow you have it extremely harder than most of us here.. I can only imagine the pain you have to deal with on top of other things, thank you for taking your time out to advice me. I will definitely start working out this week and save up for a new guitar so I can jam to some blues. I know your right but it's just hard to put it into practice

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There's a lot more to that story, some of it is really bad. But I got to look forward, as do you. It's all you have sometimes. Lot of people use music for inspiration, if you're into it, there is a song called "Ali in the Jungle" I think the band is called The Hours. Awesome song to make you want to get up and push on.

 

It's ok to feel that things are hard, they are. You gotta own your feelings though, feel it, use it, it can be a good motivator, it's also a good demotivator though, so make your self get up. Remember to ease yourself into things to, don't burn yourself out on the things you want. Everything takes time.

 

Good luck to you, man.

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