A "Pick me up" for those dealing with a Commitment Phobe partner

[PinkChic]

Today, my friends is a very big day for me... It's my day of letting go. I'm not saying I'm not ever going to cry again or feel sad about my break up or even ever miss him again... but today is a very big day. I'm letting go.

 

This board has helped me tremendously and I'm writing this in hopes that even if one person can be helped I will feel like I am showing my appreciation.

 

For those who don't know my situation already, My (ex) boyfriend walked into my life about 5 months ago. Despite being in a 5 year relationship before I don't think I ever truly knew what love was until I met him. We fell hard, and fast. He had never even had a relationship before, let alone a serious relationship.

 

We come from very oposite walks of life. I am an only child, extremely close with my parents. In my house we had an "open door policy" when it came to feelings, it was common to discuss how we felt at the dinner table. I have always been very independent, straight out of college I took a gamble and started my own business, I lived out of a suitcase for two years to make a name for myself, and to be honest I never believed in love and it was always very difficult for me to trust men because every single man in my life has disappointed me (especially my own father).

 

My ex, comes from a family of 5 children (him being the oldest) and he was brought up that you deal with your feelings on your own. He was very shy when we first met, fast to tell me that girls normally reject him and that he had never been in a relationship before because he always thought he was meant to be single. Knowing him as well as I do now, he is everything but a patient person except when it comes to his job as a special education aide to a child with severe autism, which truly brings out the best in him.

 

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would give a person like him a chance. I am very outgoing, he is very shy. I am very career oriented, he is not. I am extroverted, he is introverted.

 

Needless to say, I gave him a chance and I have never fallen so in love with one person. He brought out the best in me, I always wanted to be a good person. For him. In all my previous relationships I was always selfish, it was either my way or no way. When I got angry, I didn't care about what the other person felt as I was degrading them to make myself feel better. Growing up watching my dad beat my mother terribly I always felt like I had to have the upper hand in relationships. This relationship put ever single one of those "fears" to the side. I finally felt like I found that one equal person that I trusted would never hurt me.

 

We had so much passion, excitement, romance and fun in our relationship. I watched this person who was so shy, so scared to have feelings and emotions shed his walls and open up to me.

 

By month two, he looked me in the eyes (which we always loved to do was just stare in each others eyes) and told me he loved me,that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he couldn't see his life without me. It warmed my heart when his friends (who didn't even know me at the time) would tell him he looked so happy. His mother, before meeting me wrote me a message telling me that she was so happy he found someone like me because she never thought she would ever see her son fall so inlove with someone the way he has with me.

 

We had so much fun together, we could never keep our hands off each other and instead of my past relationships where the sparks gradually decreased... my sparks for him were always accelerating. At 25, this was the first man to ever give me butterflies, he was the first person that when he held me and told me to never be scared, that he would always be there and he that we would be together forever. I believed him.

 

We had never even disagreed, let alone argued up until the week before he passionately kissed me, then suddenly out of nowhere broke up with me.

 

The weekend before he broke up with me we went to a cottage out on the lake and just relaxed, talked about the future and spent time with each other. It was the most relaxing, and special weekend we had ever had. We were even more crazier about each other (if that was possible) after we got back home. On Wednesday, we went out for ice cream and were joking around and laughing non stop. We got into his car and he took my head, looked me in the eyes and said "You know I love you so much and you make me the happiest man alive", it melted my heart because it was the first time he had ever done that before. He always insisted I brought out the best in him.

 

Saturday morning he texted me as usual "Goodmorning darling, I love you..." We had plans to go out with friends that evening, he came to pick me up and we were sitting in the car. I knew something was wrong because he wasn't leaving. He held me and PASSIONATELY kissed me like never before. He stared me in the eyes and said we were over, and we would never be together again. I have never felt such pain in all my life. of course, I ask why. He could not give me an explanation. Nothing. Just that it had to be this way.

 

Four days later, my best friend sent him a message and he responded saying that he just was not feeling the sparks anymore, that I could do so much better than him, that he missed me and was hurting but he has moved on and hopes that I can do the same. She responded saying "Couldn't you two have just talked things out" and he responded "Yes".

 

I am such a strong, independent person, and I was beyond crushed. At one point I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack, I didn't eat or sleep for three days, I couldn't stop shaking and it was the first time I missed work since I was 15. I found myself occupied, not thinking about him and tears would just run down my face, coming from a girl who hadn't cried in 7 years.

 

I knew I could never move on until I had a reason for what had happened. So many questions were running through my head... his voice was running through my head for all the times he told me he would never hurt me, that he would never let me go, that he would always chase for me, that I was the only one he ever wanted to be with and that he would never find happiness like ours.

 

I started researching his personality and found he was the SPITTEN image of a commitment phobe. I felt like I should have seen all these signs:

 

* at 27, he had never had a girlfriend. Ever.

* He was very scared to meet my family and it took him 3 months to introduce me to his, and mostly because I was begging, as was his family.

* By month 4, when I talked about the future (even of just an upcoming event) he use to seriously stress.

* We wanted to travel all over, and he was eager to also but when it came to specific dates, he would never commit.

* I look back on all the times I needed him to be there, and he was always in the background, never there to help until the storm cleared out.

* Even down to his living arrangments, he had an apartment with a friend but spent most of his time at his parents.

* He owns hardley nothing of his own, not even a bed.

* When he broke up with me, he was beyond mean with his words, he stressed that it would never work out. EVER. CP's force and convince themselves of this.

 

 

The past few days, I have read 6 books related to Commitment Phobia, I cry in tears through each one as every book brings up a new characteristic that he had. I needed to read these books because it has allowed me to understand that it was NOT me. He even told myself and my best friend that it was not me, it was all him. Now, I know why.

 

If your going through a commitment phobe situation, please know it is NOT you. CP seeds in childhood and I know you want to help them get better and be there for them, as do I. I have never wanted to help someone so much in my life. It has been more of a struggle for me to not want to call him and tell him all of this, But HE needs to realize it. HE needs to come to terms with it and HE needs to want to fix it for HIMSELF.

 

Most books will tell you that commitment phobes never truly mean the words they say. I will always believe that he meant everything that he said to me, and he truly felt what he said. But, like every book and every article stresses no one can help this illness but the actual person.

 

If your going through this situation I encourage you to read (and cry through) this book: "Men Who Can't Love: How to recognize a commitmentphobic man before he breaks your heart" by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol... I can tell you after I read this book I was done. I knew in my heart I couldn't help him as much as I wanted to. The ball was now in his court.

 

He knows he has a problem, as most CP's do. He told my best friend he thinks he will be single forever and he is okay with that. CP's are capable of loving, and giving love in return, just not ever committing to that love. We all deserve a commitment. Please never settle for less than that.

 

So today, friends, is the day I find myself again, realize that I am capable of loving with my whole heart, walls down and arms open. And today, I realize that some people will always have a place in your heart, but never in your life.

 

Good Luck to you all and I can't thank you enough for the support of this board.

[carhill]

CP's are fine for friends but, having loved a few, showing that gender can indeed be neutral for CP, found them incompatible for deeper and more intimate relations.

 

Thanks for your well-considered post. If such had been available to me a generation ago, life today might be quite different. Such is the continuum of life. Each day is a new choice.

 

Myself, I look back with positive thoughts about who I was when I loved such people. My grief, if applicable, lies there. Concurrently, joy in revelation. Acceptance and peace.

 

My takeaway now is to select out people (as incompatible) who come from markedly different family backgrounds and lifestyles and relevant psychologies. I was socialized to see everyone as equals, no matter their circumstances, but did not get the additional socialization to discriminate for intimate relations. Life taught those lessons.

 

Best wishes