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Holy s**t. It happened. Just got the tearful phone call. She wants me back.


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suddendumpee

And so...the improbable (and what I once thought as impossible) just happened. At 11:30pm tonight, I got the "U up?" text. I said yes, then I get the call from my tearful and highly remorseful ex after 5 months of NC. She spilled her guts about everything and explained that I am the only guy she has ever been with that no matter what, she could not get me out of her head. She assured me that nothing physical happened with "him" while we were together, but admits to have fostered feelings our curiosity toward the end of our relationship. She asked if I would ever give her another chance, and I said only AFTER she was single for a while to sort her stuff out. She asked if I would talk to her, and I said that I would not call her because she needs to figure this out without someone to lean on. She agreed.

 

Somehow, no matter how hurt I was, I always knew this would happen. What we had was too perfect. And apparently she realized this only 30 days after leaving to find greener pastures. Her e-mail to me (which I ignored) was her attempt to open the lines of communication because she was filled with regret and 2nd guessing her decision. I told her that I had responded, but decided not to send it because it was the right thing to do. She seemed so impressed with the way I handled things and said nobody has ever treated with her with such respect even in silence. She cried almost the whole time and thanked me profusely for taking her call.

 

Of course, we are not back together right now (my choice), but I believe in my heart that this will be a success story of lost lost, only to be found again and much stronger. Only time will tell, but one thing is for certain. I would have never been so strong and made it this far without the kind people on this board. I will be sure to keep everyone posted. And for the rookies, here's the history. Hopefully my story can help other people cope and deal with a similar situation in the future. Thanks again to all.

 

Initial post here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255195/

 

The the post after realizing her cheating/lies here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t256901/

 

The first e-mail from her (ignored by me) here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=259935

 

First contact after 5 months NC here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270766/

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There's a saying I always mention when it comes to women (Since I'm a guy). My saying is: "They ALWAYS come back...". Meaning you always hear back from them at some point.

 

I hope things work out for you two, if that's what you want and I hope this is a lesson to her that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. My gut feeling is telling me my ex became distant for the same reason, but I know this isn't the last I hear from her.

 

In any case, play it cool and don't jump in with her right away. Take some time and date like you dated the first time to slowly warm things up.

 

Remember, you need to warm milk up slowly. Too much heat and you'll burn it.

Edited by JasonRules
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When least expected, something unexpected happens. I, for one, am just happy for you that you focused on yourself. :) Self-respect, self-healing, self-determination to move on...

 

Who da thunk it, huh? :laugh:

 

I wonder if Homebrew's/whoever he really is is still lurking. :o

 

Good luck to you, suddendumpee! Whatever she may try to pull off, you are in control. Always were, always has been, always will be.

Edited by 0hpenelope
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GreenPolicy

Be careful sudden. I hate to disparage somebody who you care a great deal about and feel a lot of love for, but I see somebody who doesn't know what she wants week to week and month to month. Obviously there is something that is not working with her current guy, and instead of working things out with him, or having the courage to leave the relationship and be single, she is attempting to line up a replacement behind his back. Does that strike you as somebody who has a lot of integrity and operates unselfishly? How would you feel if you were him? Actually I think you can answer this question, because that WAS you five months ago.

 

You deserve a lot of props for handling the whole situation with class, dignity and maturity. But I would think long and hard before reconciling with this girl. She is not just the sweet and wonderful girl that you had a lot of great times with when you were together. She is the sum total of her actions, and at the very least she carried on an emotional affair behind your back, if not a physical one, and then lied to you repeatedly about it. And here she is pulling the same sh*t with the new guy that she pulled with you. If she's capable of doing this with you, then she's capable of doing it to you, and she already has. It has to be so flattering and you deserve to feel a lot of vindication over her crawling back, but she has treated you like a backup option for the last five months, and now that the initial rush of the new guy has worn off, she is choosing to step out behind his back instead of either ending it with him first or working on the relationship with him. You are right to not jump back into something with her and insist that she has some work to do on herself before you can be with her again. I just don't see any evidence that she has changed for the better. She's still being selfish and inconsiderate, it's just that now you are the beneficiary of her lack of character and integrity instead of being victimized by it. I think you can do better than her. Just my $0.02.

Edited by GreenPolicy
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GreenPolicy
There's a saying I always mention when it comes to women (Since I'm a guy). My saying is: "They ALWAYS come back...". Meaning you always hear back from them at some point.

 

 

I don't ever expect to hear back from my ex.

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Really nice to hear this, but I too share the same concerns expressed by others. Just remember that YOU are in control now. It's you that calls the shots and decides how quick or slow this whole thing goes.

 

I'm always a little worried when I hear about second chances as for the most part people just get back together and never discuss the issues that drove them apart. They never deal with the problems, so the problems are still there, just waiting to pop up again. You sound like you know exactly what you want, and from what you've said about her, she too sounds like she knows what is important to her and what her faults have been.

 

Take the time to really get in depth into those issues and clear the air before you fully commit on this one. I too would love to be given a second and also believe that at some point the ex will get back in touch, but sadly I know she has some insecurity issues that at present she's not willing to face.

 

Good luck, hope it all works out for the best.

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I wonder if Homebrew's/whoever he really is is still lurking. :o

 

I check in every now and again... People like you, Green Policy, Sudden, etc. took over where I left off. So everyone is in GREAT hands!

 

For all of those who are hurting, confused and in pain... Do you want to be free from it and find peace and understanding?

 

Do everything in your power to get to the following place / mindset:

 

(NOTE: This is what No Contact is suppose to be all about... Healing and getting YOU back!)

 

 

FOR ME

Written By: Homebrew

 

For me...

 

I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.

 

For me...

 

If they are not 100% sure they want to be with me... I do not / am not going to be with them.

 

For me...

 

This isn't complicated. Boy mets girl, boy and girl like each other, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl ride off into the sunset together.

 

For me...

 

I have never had to beg, plead, convince, negotiate, threaten, manipulate, etc. someone to be with me...

 

For me...

 

I am me. They either liked me or they don't.

 

For me...

 

If someone does not know who they are or what they want... I do not pursue them, date them, enter into a relationship with them, marry them.

 

For me...

 

I do not pursue EXes who dumped me.

 

For me...

 

If an EX that dumped me wants a second chance... It's not MY JOB to get them to want me. It's THEIR JOB to get me to want them.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Don't Believe me?

 

Ask all the other seasoned veterans on here... This is exactly where they are now. Was it easy? No... You have to be patient.... It does take a lot of time, blood, sweat and tears but I promise you this... Once you "Fall In Love With Yourself" all over again... Only then will you be able to find peace and the love that you want / deserve.

 

There is a wealth of information in these forums to help you do this... to get to this "place"... Do not be frightened... You are not alone! There are all these wonderful people here to encourage you and help you all along the way!

 

My Best Wishes to All of You!

Edited by homebrew
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love is dangerous

i would be really really careful , it took her 5 months! and look what she put you through just dont go back to her so easy , make her work for you back trust me as she will do it again.

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DollyGirl12
I check in every now and again... People like you, Green Policy, Sudden, etc. took over where I left off. So everyone is in GREAT hands!

 

For all of those who are hurting, confused and in pain... Do you want to be free from it and find peace and understanding?

 

Do everything in your power to get to the following place / mindset:

 

(NOTE: This is what No Contact is suppose to be all about... Healing and getting YOU back!)

 

 

FOR ME

Written By: Homebrew

 

For me...

 

I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.

 

For me...

 

If they are not 100% sure they want to be with me... I do not / am not going to be with them.

 

For me...

 

This isn't complicated. Boy mets girl, boy and girl like each other, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl ride off into the sunset together.

 

For me...

 

I have never had to beg, plead, convince, negotiate, threaten, manipulate, etc. someone to be with me...

 

For me...

 

I am me. They either liked me or they don't.

 

For me...

 

If someone does not know who they are or what they want... I do not pursue them, date them, enter into a relationship with them, marry them.

 

For me...

 

I do not pursue EXes who dumped me.

 

For me...

 

If an EX that dumped me wants a second chance... It's not MY JOB to get them to want me. It's THEIR JOB to get me to want them.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Don't Believe me?

 

Ask all the other seasoned veterans on here... This is exactly where they are now. Was it easy? No... You have to be patient.... It does take a lot of time, blood, sweat and tears but I promise you this... Once you "Fall In Love With Yourself" all over again... Only then will you be able to find peace and the love that you want / deserve.

 

There is a wealth of information in these forums to help you do this... to get to this "place"... Do not be frightened... You are not alone! There are all these wonderful people here to encourage you and help you all along the way!

 

My Best Wishes to All of You!

 

 

First, Sudden, I think if you are contemplating going back that you are at least handling it in a very mature, well thought, fashion. Making her take the time needed to work on herself is very important, and she will at least know that you aren't about to let someone jump right back in to your life after all that happened.

 

Next, the above post is wonderful. To many times when we hear from that other person we are so elated that they want us back in their lives, or so we think, that we just jump right back in. Many times it's just to relieve that feeling of emptiness or loneliness we are feeling as well as anxiety that we may be feeling. It's like an alcoholic needing that drink to feel better. It doesn't usually fix the problem that brought us to that certain place to begin with.

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I check in every now and again... People like you, Green Policy, Sudden, etc. took over where I left off. So everyone is in GREAT hands!

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

Great to see you, man! I thought how things went down was very funny, but I never doubted that you genuinely just wanted to help. And you did help us out - especially me - a lot about hope, letting go, leaving people alone when they want to be left alone, and feeling optimistic about things in general, not necessarily just about the relationship stuff. I just thought to bring you up to Sudden here because I remember you responded to him in one of his threads and I responded well to your post also.

 

Honestly, you're one of my favorite male LS members.

Pop in again sometime, 'brew!

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suddendumpee

Let me elaborate a bit. I agree that this will be a long/hard road, but there were some things said that make me feel like this may be real.

 

First off, I was totally expecting that the new guy must be treating her badly, was an a$$-h0le, argued a lot....something. I assumed something must be horribly wrong in their relationship, and she was just trying to come back to her safety net. But this was not the case. She said their relationship has been wonderful. He treats her well. They do not fight...but even so, she has never stopped thinking about me. She said she sat through many dinners with him, glazed over, as she thought the time she had with me.

 

Secondly, this did not take 5 months. It was a mere 30 days before she started to regret what she had done. She said after I saw those pictures, she was sure I hated her, and would never talk to her again. So she did her best to make things work with the new guy, but no matter what she tried I was always on her mind. Her e-mail which I ignored? She was expecting a response to see that I did not hate her, so that she could try to re-open dialogue and fix things. After not responding, she knew her only shot at contact with me was when I went down to her state for this work meeting. So this has been in the plans for some time.

 

I heard/felt true remorse in her voice. I was like this alpha female who was finally showing her inner self for the first time. There were no barriers. She was finally letting them down. As far as her still being with this guy? She said she has known for a while that he is not the one, but he has not done anything wrong per se, so it's been very hard for her to make the move because she knows it will kill him. Regardless, it IS something she will be doing. After doing so, she will be on her own without me, without him. She said it killed her to hurt me once, and she WILL NOT do it a second time. She knows what she needs to do.

 

Like I said. There are no guarantees with anything, but one thing about life is that the greatest risks carry the greatest rewards. Without great risk, we would be stuck with mediocrity and regret in all areas of life. I say f-it. I'm going on faith here. I just hope I'm right. Thanks everyone!

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I check in every now and again... People like you, Green Policy, Sudden, etc. took over where I left off. So everyone is in GREAT hands!

 

For all of those who are hurting, confused and in pain... Do you want to be free from it and find peace and understanding?

 

Do everything in your power to get to the following place / mindset:

 

(NOTE: This is what No Contact is suppose to be all about... Healing and getting YOU back!)

 

 

FOR ME

Written By: Homebrew

 

For me...

 

I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.

 

For me...

 

If they are not 100% sure they want to be with me... I do not / am not going to be with them.

 

For me...

 

This isn't complicated. Boy mets girl, boy and girl like each other, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl ride off into the sunset together.

 

For me...

 

I have never had to beg, plead, convince, negotiate, threaten, manipulate, etc. someone to be with me...

 

For me...

 

I am me. They either liked me or they don't.

 

For me...

 

If someone does not know who they are or what they want... I do not pursue them, date them, enter into a relationship with them, marry them.

 

For me...

 

I do not pursue EXes who dumped me.

 

For me...

 

If an EX that dumped me wants a second chance... It's not MY JOB to get them to want me. It's THEIR JOB to get me to want them.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Don't Believe me?

 

Ask all the other seasoned veterans on here... This is exactly where they are now. Was it easy? No... You have to be patient.... It does take a lot of time, blood, sweat and tears but I promise you this... Once you "Fall In Love With Yourself" all over again... Only then will you be able to find peace and the love that you want / deserve.

 

There is a wealth of information in these forums to help you do this... to get to this "place"... Do not be frightened... You are not alone! There are all these wonderful people here to encourage you and help you all along the way!

 

My Best Wishes to All of You!

 

Love it! :)

 

That is the bottom line....focusing on "the other" is a distraction to the true peace of mind that comes when you fall inlove with you and feel complete within you, then you not only attract better relationships, but you're not desperate for love and validation so you don't settle and you don't get into mediocre relationships or chase after them believing your world will end if "the other" doesn't come back. It is sooooooo liberating!

 

Relationships are best when two fulfilled people come together to share, versus incomplete people trying to take and take and get from this other person to fill them up. As for the OP, good to know you're taking things slow and I hope it works out. I was in your position once...multiple times actually with my ex coming back seeming remorseful and wanting me back after months of not speaking, but fortunately, and I do mean fortunately, it never ended up working out and each time would be a "just kidding moment". At the time it hurt me and pissed me off that I would allow him the space to come back and he would still run away again and fall through...but in the end, I realized, it just wasn't meant to be and he is one of those incomplete people chasing relationships versus looking to complete himself and I too had much to still learn and elevate myself to an even higher level versus finding solace in something fickle.

 

So point is, I wish you all the best, and that means regardless of if you and your ex work out, as there is more to life than one person so even if it doesn't work....as long as you have you then the horizon is bright and you can grow and move forward to eventually getting that fulfilling relationship :)

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GreenPolicy

 

Secondly, this did not take 5 months. It was a mere 30 days before she started to regret what she had done. She said after I saw those pictures, she was sure I hated her, and would never talk to her again. So she did her best to make things work with the new guy, but no matter what she tried I was always on her mind. Her e-mail which I ignored? She was expecting a response to see that I did not hate her, so that she could try to re-open dialogue and fix things. After not responding, she knew her only shot at contact with me was when I went down to her state for this work meeting. So this has been in the plans for some time.

 

I heard/felt true remorse in her voice. I was like this alpha female who was finally showing her inner self for the first time. There were no barriers. She was finally letting them down. As far as her still being with this guy? She said she has known for a while that he is not the one, but he has not done anything wrong per se, so it's been very hard for her to make the move because she knows it will kill him. Regardless, it IS something she will be doing. After doing so, she will be on her own without me, without him. She said it killed her to hurt me once, and she WILL NOT do it a second time. She knows what she needs to do.

 

 

She's been with a guy for FOUR months after knowing she doesn't want to be with him. She's had FOUR months to do the right thing and break it off with him and she has been stringing him along. And rather than doing the right thing and end it with him because she does not feel the spark and connection, she sought you out to see if you would take her back and tried to line up a new relationship so she could avoid the hard road of being single and having to work on herself. She'll never have to work on herself if there is always a guy there to catch her when she falls. Regardless of how she feels about you, she needed to end it with this guy four months ago and she has not done it. And she did not need to wait until you came to her office for a meeting to let you know how she feels. She could have laid her cards out on the table four months ago and instead she sent you an email lamely trying to justify her actions.

 

You're a great guy sudden, and I know how much you must care and love this girl. But you are right to insist she needs to work on herself. You know her and we don't, but whether you realize it or not, you have painted a very ugly picture of her.

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TryTryAgain
There are no guarantees with anything, but one thing about life is that the greatest risks carry the greatest rewards. Without great risk, we would be stuck with mediocrity and regret in all areas of life.

 

Good for you, man. Your sentiments here really resonate with me. I really hope things turn out the way you want them to.

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:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

Great to see you, man! I thought how things went down was very funny, but I never doubted that you genuinely just wanted to help. And you did help us out - especially me - a lot about hope, letting go, leaving people alone when they want to be left alone, and feeling optimistic about things in general, not necessarily just about the relationship stuff. I just thought to bring you up to Sudden here because I remember you responded to him in one of his threads and I responded well to your post also.

 

Honestly, you're one of my favorite male LS members.

Pop in again sometime, 'brew!

 

As you wish... I am here to help!

 

You... Are doing great!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe how far you have come... You were so bitter and angry. You "get it" now! I couldn't be prouder of you!

 

Sudden... Sorry to steal your thread... but you so "GOT THIS"! Your hard work has paid off. You grieved the lose of the relationship and then turned your focus on getting "YOU" back!

 

You are doing exactly what YOU need to do... which in turn is what is going to be best for her too. Makes you VERY, VERY attractive!

 

I encourage you to all read through Sudden's journey... We all could learn a lot on what to do in handling a break up, NC, working on yourself and a reconciliation (assuming he still wants her back and she now does her job of getting "herself" back).

 

I don't want all of you to make the mistake that a lot of dumpees make when they finally do hear from an EX...

 

What is the mistake that most dumpees make when they hear from an EX you ask?

 

Giving your EX "Love CPR"... Only to see them run off to someone else after you "resuscitated" them.

Sudden is well aware of this fact and is proceeding with caution. I have no doubt that whatever the outcome is... He will not lose himself, move his boundaries, lose his dignity or self-esteem.

 

Great Job Sudden! Keep it up!

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LOL!!! WOW REALLY?!?! I love it!!!! You called her out on her BS with tact and went NC and the guilt was too much for her. You stood up for yourself, acted like a man and bowed out gracefully and she respected you for it! She didn't know what to think so she assumed you hated her and thought she HAD to make a relationship she now regretted work which only made her more miserable.

 

I'm with the majority here. Tread cautiously. She said nothing physical happened with him while you dated and yet days after the break up she felt comfortable enough to be kissing him in public and having pictures of it taken. What was she comfortable with when they were alone? Why should you believe her? She went to great lengths to hide her new relationship. Did you tell her you saw the facebook where the guy called OM "weekend boyfriend"? Well, what do boyfriends and girlfriends do when they're together? Oh, and remind her that you were still dating at the time of the FB post...Tell her you have no reason to believe her.

 

So, my question is. You are definately in the driver's seat!!! What do you want to do?

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dreamingoftigers
As you wish... I am here to help!

 

You... Are doing great!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe how far you have come... You were so bitter and angry. You "get it" now! I couldn't be prouder of you!

 

Sudden... Sorry to steal your thread... but you so "GOT THIS"! Your hard work has paid off. You grieved the lose of the relationship and then turned your focus on getting "YOU" back!

 

You are doing exactly what YOU need to do... which in turn is what is going to be best for her too. Makes you VERY, VERY attractive!

 

I encourage you to all read through Sudden's journey... We all could learn a lot on what to do in handling a break up, NC, working on yourself and a reconciliation (assuming he still wants her back and she now does her job of getting "herself" back).

 

I don't want all of you to make the mistake that a lot of dumpees make when they finally do hear from an EX...

 

What is the mistake that most dumpees make when they hear from an EX you ask?

 

Giving your EX "Love CPR"... Only to see them run off to someone else after you "resuscitated" them.

 

Sudden is well aware of this fact and is proceeding with caution. I have no doubt that whatever the outcome is... He will not lose himself, move his boundaries, lose his dignity or self-esteem.

 

Great Job Sudden! Keep it up!

 

Well well welcome back. Try not to run too far this time.

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Feelin Frisky

Best wishes, suddendumpee. I hope the day will come when you feel confident about changing your LS name to something solidly hopeful.

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Wow, well done!! Reading your posts I wish I was as strong as you..I am very impressed that you are in such control of your emotions and impulses...I mean, most people act without thinking and that is what is making it harder for them to move on.....

 

I would remain careful, you are in control now. So tread carefully, and keep yourself in the driving seat.

 

Well done..You deserve happiness.

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Wow, well done!! Reading your posts I wish I was as strong as you..I am very impressed that you are in such control of your emotions and impulses...I mean, most people act without thinking and that is what is making it harder for them to move on.....

 

I would remain careful, you are in control now. So tread carefully, and keep yourself in the driving seat.

 

Well done..You deserve happiness.

Anna, if you have time, go look at his past threads. Unless you've already done this and that's what you were referring to in which case, my apologies. :o

 

Sudden, your thread's blowing up. :lmao:

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I agree with everyone on here in that ou have to be very careful. Make sure she shows you that she wants/deserves to be with you. I'm not saying that you have to drag it out forever but I think you will know by how she looks at you. Woman can't hide that part and you'll know

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dreamingoftigers
Best wishes, suddendumpee. I hope the day will come when you feel confident about changing your LS name to something solidly hopeful.

 

Can you change your name?

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dreamingoftigers
Can you change your name?

 

sorry that may have sounded weird, not YOU you, I mean: can a username be changed?

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