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How Do You Get Over Them Not Caring?


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So I've officially done one month NC and I think it's safe to say, after 5 months, my ex doesn't care about me at all. I just don't understand how someone can completely cut you out of their life and not care at all. It's like he never cared at all. He hasn't tried to contact me, all I got for my birthday a couple of days ago was a paltry "Happy Birthday!" text. I just don't understand how they don't care at all. Even when I told him I needed to distance myself last month, he just said "As your friend, I have to understand that."

 

I don't understand!! How can he not be upset about losing me at all?! I feel like if I just dropped off the face of the earth (Which I have basically done) he wouldn't even care at all. It's like I am nothing.

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takemedrunkimhome
So I've officially done one month NC and I think it's safe to say, after 5 months, my ex doesn't care about me at all. I just don't understand how someone can completely cut you out of their life and not care at all. It's like he never cared at all. He hasn't tried to contact me, all I got for my birthday a couple of days ago was a paltry "Happy Birthday!" text. I just don't understand how they don't care at all. Even when I told him I needed to distance myself last month, he just said "As your friend, I have to understand that."

 

I don't understand!! How can he not be upset about losing me at all?! I feel like if I just dropped off the face of the earth (Which I have basically done) he wouldn't even care at all. It's like I am nothing.

 

you should be happy that he has respected your wishes to not contact you at all. to me, that shows he does really care about your feelings, and if he contacts you, he'll be hurting you all over again.

 

you can't really expect him to go out of his way now since you guys are apart. i do know how you feel though, my ex seems like she could care less about me, but i know her better than that (i hope).

 

unless you can go inside his head and see exactly what he's going through, you will never know. you can't be sure that he doesn't care, he'd have to be a sociopath.

 

all in all, it shows that he's moved on.

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I know how you feel!

I feel the same about my ex. He put me trough hell by saying in december that he didn't know what he wanted and how he felt. He left me hanging on for 3 months where he contacted me now and then, told me he loved me but wasn't sure we would be good together in the long run. Also told me he has commitment issues. I then told him he had to make up his mind about whether we should get back together or break up properly. He told me he had to do what felt most right, which was letting go. Although he wasn't sure and told me he was afraid that he'd regret it. (Coward, he just wanted an easy way out and wanted to slip out of the relationship knowing there would be a way back if he just kept it open... He also said he wished I could wait for him to decide for a nother couple of months!).

After I forced him to make up his mind, which is 3 weeks ago, he hasn't tried contacting me at all.

Well, back to your question. I think the reason my ex has stopped contacting me now is that he feels guilt and has a bad concience. Guys don't handle those things very well. And those are probably the same reasons your ex isn't contacting you either. You also made it clear to him that you need to distance yourself, so maybe he's just respecting/accepting your wish...

 

It's probably really hard to be the dumper as well, as they have to struggle with feelings of doubt as well. Maybe they just don't want to rip up feelings (theirs and ours).

 

Edit: I'm not sure how to handle the feeling of them not caring. It's heartbreaking and sad, and I'm wondering about the same thing. I guess the only option is to move on and hopefully meeting someone new..

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takemedrunkimhome, I guess you are right about him not contacting me is being respectful. I wish it hadn't come to this, but seeing him be able to talk to all of our mutual friends (even people he HATED when we were dating) hurts so much.

 

I know I can't expect him to go out of his way, but I now am just upset that I still expect things from him and it's been 5 months. I feel like such a loser for still being hurt over this. He even said himself he didn't know how to reach out to me so LOGICALLY I know that I shouldn't expect anything from him at all. My friend said it was a good sign that he even said happy birthday, but I spent the past two years with him on my birthday and seeing that simple text message just hurt a lot. On one hand I want to just forget him completely but on the other hand the fact that he seemed to just move on, be able to delete our pictures from facebook, etc..it just makes me think our 2 years together wasn't anything to him. I guess you are right though. I can never know...I guess what hurts is that I know I went through hell these past 5 months and he just seems to be living life wonderfully

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takemedrunkimhome
takemedrunkimhome, I guess you are right about him not contacting me is being respectful. I wish it hadn't come to this, but seeing him be able to talk to all of our mutual friends (even people he HATED when we were dating) hurts so much.

 

I know I can't expect him to go out of his way, but I now am just upset that I still expect things from him and it's been 5 months. I feel like such a loser for still being hurt over this. He even said himself he didn't know how to reach out to me so LOGICALLY I know that I shouldn't expect anything from him at all. My friend said it was a good sign that he even said happy birthday, but I spent the past two years with him on my birthday and seeing that simple text message just hurt a lot. On one hand I want to just forget him completely but on the other hand the fact that he seemed to just move on, be able to delete our pictures from facebook, etc..it just makes me think our 2 years together wasn't anything to him. I guess you are right though. I can never know...I guess what hurts is that I know I went through hell these past 5 months and he just seems to be living life wonderfully

 

i know exactly what you mean by this.

 

does he know you've been through hell? cuz he could be saying the exact same thing about you, lol.

 

if he did the breaking up that means he dealt with all of those feelings of hurt and loss way before you could even process it.

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(((HUGS)))

 

After our breakup , about 7 weeks ago, I was the one to reach out about 4 separate times in the first 5 weeks. I finally committed to strict NC 2 weeks ago.

 

Its only been 2 weeks but I wonder how I'll feel like, come 2 weeks from now when he hasn't reached out ... then it might turn to 2 months... maybe even life. And thinking about this upsets me too. I think if he really loved me so much once he'd remember what it was like for us. (at least the good times) and would attempt to get me back. But the funny thing is that I don't even want him back, I just want the self esteem boost.

 

Just recognize how you're feeling. Know you're not the only one. And remember that it will pass. :)

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So I've officially done one month NC and I think it's safe to say, after 5 months, my ex doesn't care about me at all. I just don't understand how someone can completely cut you out of their life and not care at all. It's like he never cared at all. He hasn't tried to contact me, all I got for my birthday a couple of days ago was a paltry "Happy Birthday!" text. I just don't understand how they don't care at all. Even when I told him I needed to distance myself last month, he just said "As your friend, I have to understand that."

 

I don't understand!! How can he not be upset about losing me at all?! I feel like if I just dropped off the face of the earth (Which I have basically done) he wouldn't even care at all. It's like I am nothing.

 

#1. He is your ex for a reason, so he really doesn't even have to say squat for your birthday. In fact, wishing ex's happy birthdays is often advised against here on LS.

 

#2. You TOLD him you needed space or distance. He respects that, now you are claiming he doesn't care about you. What was he supposed to do? Chase you? Then you'd be on here complaining that he doesn't respect your wishes. So, it's a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation for him. I don't understand what you want. Distance or contact? He respects you enough to listen to you. Take it for what it's worth.

 

#3. If you checked out from his life already, he's probably beyond moved on. I don't know your whole back story with the breakup, so I can't say for sure. But it sounds like you disappeared thinking that he'll chase you and he just accepted it. So it's okay for you to disappear off the Earth from him, but not okay for him to do it?

 

#4. Get over thinking about him caring. If you two really cared about each other, you wouldn't be broken up. You'd have worked through whatever issue it was. But as it stands, something was too big for you to work on it so you are now ex's for a reason. Start accepting it.

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It is very heartbreaking, yes...my ex actually told me he never loved me when he broke up with me and that he just said that he did because he didn't know what love was and he was "emotional" so by ALL MEANS I should be over this by now.

 

Maybe you are right about the guilt and bad conscience thing...I wish that I hadn't flip-flopped about this though. I haven't "really" contacted him but I did add him as a contact on LinkedIn and forwarded him an e-mail, so maybe that is sending the wrong idea? Does anyone think this is bad? Coupled with the fact I said thank you for him saying happy birthday..

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Eddie Edirol
So I've officially done one month NC and I think it's safe to say, after 5 months, my ex doesn't care about me at all. I just don't understand how someone can completely cut you out of their life and not care at all. It's like he never cared at all. He hasn't tried to contact me, all I got for my birthday a couple of days ago was a paltry "Happy Birthday!" text. I just don't understand how they don't care at all. Even when I told him I needed to distance myself last month, he just said "As your friend, I have to understand that."

 

I don't understand!! How can he not be upset about losing me at all?! I feel like if I just dropped off the face of the earth (Which I have basically done) he wouldn't even care at all. It's like I am nothing.

 

Moni, when someone loses interest in you, they slowly lose caring feelings over time from different events. So by the time you break up, the urges to care at the initial level just arent there. Thats how he can do it. I can only assume you wanted the relationship more than he did by your post.

 

if you understand that by the time you break up that they have been moving on for a couple months, its easier to deal with them not caring.

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i know exactly what you mean by this.

 

does he know you've been through hell? cuz he could be saying the exact same thing about you, lol.

 

if he did the breaking up that means he dealt with all of those feelings of hurt and loss way before you could even process it.

 

Yes, he knows I have been through hell, lol. My mom told him right after we first broke up that I had completetly shut down, and he's been reading my blog on and off again since Janurary (we broke up in October). I have also talked to him for Thanksgiving and another time in February communicating that I was still hurting a lot. So he knows that I am in pain. I just don't get why if he KNEW it hurt me so bad he would keep hurting me by pretending I don't exist. And yes, I realized that he probably has been able to get through a lot of this because he knew he was breaking up with me. The thing is he bascially made the decision to dump me in like...a week. I wrote him a letter telling him all the things I was frustrated about in the relationship and literally 6 days later he broke up with me

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#2. You TOLD him you needed space or distance. He respects that, now you are claiming he doesn't care about you. What was he supposed to do? Chase you? Then you'd be on here complaining that he doesn't respect your wishes. So, it's a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation for him. I don't understand what you want. Distance or contact? He respects you enough to listen to you. Take it for what it's worth.

 

 

Harsh, but it is what I need to hear. I guess I am upset because before I went NC officially he still didn't try to contact me. If someone ever cared about you..then how do they just cut you out? It doesn't make sense to me.

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Moni, when someone loses interest in you, they slowly lose caring feelings over time from different events. So by the time you break up, the urges to care at the initial level just arent there. Thats how he can do it. I can only assume you wanted the relationship more than he did by your post.

 

if you understand that by the time you break up that they have been moving on for a couple months, its easier to deal with them not caring.

 

This makes sense. Thank you for your repsonse. I need to let go, but not quite sure how.

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I can understand where you're coming from. It's like.. yea... you told him that the contact is hurting you but you really don't expect them to say. "well um OK I will respect that la dee da back to my grand life now" You expect (or hope) that they'll at least put up some kind of fight for your voice.

 

I think what's going on here is that since he's reading your blog about how miserable you are, that he doesn't have to feel any pain of you being with someone else yet. He knows you're sitting right there on the backburner still loving him.

 

I guarantee you that even if it's true and he's done with the relationship, that the minute your blog even hints at happy fun times again... he'll suddenly be right there wondering why you're not so sad anymore about him.

 

That is indeed a very hard part. Wondering how they couldn't care when in your mind, you're still very much there in the memories of the relationship.

 

I imagine that the only thing that softens that blow is... time.

 

Hang in there.

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Harsh, but it is what I need to hear. I guess I am upset because before I went NC officially he still didn't try to contact me. If someone ever cared about you..then how do they just cut you out? It doesn't make sense to me.

 

It's easier to accept that you two are broken up, so there's to need to even think about contacting each other. Why would you want to anyways? If you have told him you are still hurting, he may (probably) feels guilty about what he did. Unless he is a robot or total sociopath. So what's he to do? Keep in contact? Keep hurting you? Trust all of us on LS when we say that not being on contact with an ex can and does hurt because we miss that person. However, it hurts far more being in constant contact with an ex because you never really heal. Forget the friends thing before it even enters your mind. You clearly can't be friends now, or possibly ever.

 

Think of it this way. It's like open heart surgery performed by the best heart surgeon in the world versus heart surgery performed by a homeless man with a rusty table knife. Both hurt, but one of them takes a lot longer to recover from and possibly could scar you for a long time.

 

I wrote him a letter telling him all the things I was frustrated about in the relationship and literally 6 days later he broke up with me.

 

Death sentence for the relationship. Next relationship, if these things are big enough, TALK TO HIM. Letters don't count. You need physical, person to person talking. Not that it would have mattered anyways because...

 

my ex actually told me he never loved me when he broke up with me and that he just said that he did because he didn't know what love was

 

Douche bag alert! Seriously, re-read that sentence. Take a deep breath. Then ask yourself why in Satan's glorious Earth would you want that dickbag still in your life?

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him sending a happy birthday text was nice, but you were prob expecting him to do something. Ive had exes take me out for dinners in the past for bdays and honestly its confusing as hell!!

 

so for now just stick to NC and leave it as is.

 

if he said he didnt love you,,, then maybe he just let his emotions get the best of him and now he is trying to prove he doesnt love you to himself!

 

boys... this is how they act, if more boys acted like MEN less posts like these would occur haha!

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tehsensitive1

I can say staying out and busy helps a lot, I've been getting up bright and early then running or working out. That in general just makes my day better.

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Think of it this way. It's like open heart surgery performed by the best heart surgeon in the world versus heart surgery performed by a homeless man with a rusty table knife. Both hurt, but one of them takes a lot longer to recover from and possibly could scar you for a long time.

 

 

 

Death sentence for the relationship. Next relationship, if these things are big enough, TALK TO HIM. Letters don't count. You need physical, person to person talking. Not that it would have mattered anyways because...

 

 

 

Douche bag alert! Seriously, re-read that sentence. Take a deep breath. Then ask yourself why in Satan's glorious Earth would you want that dickbag still in your life?

 

I told him that being friends right now wasn't in my best interest. But I guess I agree with everyone in this thread that I was still hurt he didn't even put up even a little fight. It was like...yes, I am cutting you off, but it still hurts me not to talk to you. And I realize the letter was a bad idea..I've been hating myself for the past five months over it. I didn't write the letter with the intentions of us never talking about things. I wrote it because I express myself better in writing, and he knows that, we have written eachother letters several times, actually. It just seems unfair that he chose that to break up with me over..a stupid letter. The only option I had anyway was to talk to him over the phone, we were long-distance.

 

Yes. I know it makes no sense..I shouldn't care about someone who doesn't love me..but I really felt like he did, and that maybe if I could just change he would love me

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As for him reading my blog, I noticed that in particular he read posts of my feelings about being upset, and most of the other posts he ignored...obviously I won't know why he read some posts and skipped over others, but it seems kind of sick he would want to read the posts of me being miserable...that would imply he liked the way I felt?

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ALonerAgain
I told him that being friends right now wasn't in my best interest. But I guess I agree with everyone in this thread that I was still hurt he didn't even put up even a little fight. It was like...yes, I am cutting you off, but it still hurts me not to talk to you. And I realize the letter was a bad idea..I've been hating myself for the past five months over it. I didn't write the letter with the intentions of us never talking about things. I wrote it because I express myself better in writing, and he knows that, we have written eachother letters several times, actually. It just seems unfair that he chose that to break up with me over..a stupid letter. The only option I had anyway was to talk to him over the phone, we were long-distance.

 

Yes. I know it makes no sense..I shouldn't care about someone who doesn't love me..but I really felt like he did, and that maybe if I could just change he would love me

 

Ah Moni. It's like something I could've written myself.

 

Your ex sounds like how mine was. Except he preferred to text and I preferred to yell! :eek:

 

Communication (or lack thereof) has to be one of THE main factors in failed relationships. I know that it was in mine.

 

Secondly, honesty. Your ex was harsh, yes. But at least he gave you a reason and tried to explain how he felt. Mine didn't. He just kept putting it on me.

 

Like, you I chose to go NC and told him so. For someone who hated conflict and dealing upfront with emotions, this was right up his street!

 

That was over a year ago and haven't heard a peep from him since. Prob. because he has a new girl to keep his mind off me anyway. :(

 

Yeah, untagging himself from 'our' photos a couple of days on FB was a kick in the gut. It really does suck when they try to delete all traces of you.

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Thank you all for your great responses, I really appreciate you taking the time to try and help me. My ex thought he communicated, and perhaps he did better than me, but he preferred yelling, and when he did yell, I completely shut down. I know in reality our relationship wasn't healthy, because it did make me feel horrible sometimes, but there were the good times...and for some reason, even after 5 months I just can't get the good times out of my head. I truly loved him. It was my first relationship, and he didn't think we could love eachother because of that. But I did and it hurts so much that maybe, to him, I just am not important and never will be. And yes, the facebook thing is ridiculous, ALonerAgain! I'm like, really? Like..just because you delete pictures doesn't mean I disappear! That was borderline passive agressive. I guess I should be thankful he said anything for my birthday at all.

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love is dangerous
As for him reading my blog, I noticed that in particular he read posts of my feelings about being upset, and most of the other posts he ignored...obviously I won't know why he read some posts and skipped over others, but it seems kind of sick he would want to read the posts of me being miserable...that would imply he liked the way I felt?

 

yea it gives him an ego boost to know your upset over him and that you still want him so he doesnt have to worry . wrong i no but thats how it is .

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