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Help with a girlfriend with fear of abandonment issues ,Help!


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I am trying to reconcile with a girl who has had a very difficult childhood. I've been with her for about a year. Here are some facts:

 

- She is 25 years old and very intelligent, and uncommonly beautiful

- Her dad divorced her mother when she was ten (Both successful attorneys)

- Her dad has abandoned her, he will not talk to her but will talk to her sister

- Her 58 year old Dad has a twenty-something girlfriend who encourages the dad not to talk to her

- The dad says she reminds him too much of her mother so that is why he abandoned her

- Has never been able to express her feelings to me in any way

- Never has said, "I feel this way" or "I feel that way"

- I have not talked to her in three weeks

- She runs away from conflict, very passive aggresive, cannot talk about relationship issues at all

- We have never been intimate, but she will not talk about it

 

She has not returned my calls because I told her that I don't feel close to her. I also told her that I was not happy because I don't know where I stand. I didn't want to part ways with her, but I think she really is mad at me now. It is probably time to move on but I really care for her. A very strange situation indeed. Anybody dealt with anything like this?

 

Thanks

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she been disclatmed by her dad,

that junk stays with some people

and it becomes hard for people to trust,

emotional pain is among or is the wrost pain any can feel

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hopeinternational

Just my point of view. I think you need to be more patient and gentle with her. Having gone through a difficult past, she may have problems opening up or getting close. Perhaps for fear of getting hurt, or it may be a self-defense mechanism to make her feel less vulnerable or at risk.

 

For her, my guess is that intimacy with you or opening up to you will require her to be absolutely comfortable with the idea. You need to give her the confidence to do so.

 

If you want to continue this relationship, or at least give it another go, you first need to adjust some expectations you have of her. Right now, she can't express her feelings well and can't communicate with you on issues. If you really care and are serious about her, you need to accept this as a fact and work with her to open up slowly. It will be a long process and she may eventually still never be as chatty and open as some people.

 

Encourage her to talk about her feelings on small, "unthreatening" issues...e.g. what kind of food or clothing she likes, etc. Rephrase your questions in a way that solicits a response from her feelings - like "How would you like it if I ..." or "....this is my perspective, but I'd really like to hear from you on how you feel/think". Be gentle in your replies and show her that if she speaks up, you're going to listen and care for how she feels.

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Uhhhh, no! Enough of this "let's talk about feelings" sensitivity crap.

 

Patient with her?! You guys have been dating for a year now, so what is there to be patient about?

 

I dated a girl with abandonment issues for two years and my ex's responses was entirely the opposite. Tried to manipulate me so that I wouldn't leave. Called me at work. Marked off and counted the number of days on the calendar that I was traveling on business so she could use it in an argument later to convince me that I needed to change careers "for us". I moved in with her and stayed about six months before I realized I just couldn't keep jumping through her hoops anymore.

 

The previous poster wasn't entirely wrong, IMO. I think you have to be supportive, but at the same time, you have to lay down the law and tell her that these are issues she has to deal with and confront on her own. She has to want to do it, and she has to be willing to trust you. Otherwise, what do you have in your relationship without trust? It's not YOUR job to make her feel better and more secure about herself. It's HERS. And we all have sh*t to deal with. Understand, but don't excuse.

 

Frankly, you did the right thing by telling her the truth. You don't feel close to her, because you don't feel close to her. Now, there IS a right way to do it and a wrong way. If that's all you said, then you're basically bread in the toaster at this point because that would be a very blunt way of saying it - the equivalent of wiping your ass with sandpaper. But just broach the issue and say "Look, I have to be honest, I like you, but you make it very difficult for me to be close to you. Sometimes, I honestly don't know where I stand." And if she flies off the handle well then that's a pretty good clue that it's time to polish your resume and take your show elsewhere. If she cares about you enough, she'll value your opinion, listen to what you have to say, and actually take steps to help your relationship.

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VASH THE STAMPEDE

I think you should move on.

She hasn't been intamate (loving) with you and doesn't share the same feelings you do.

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