56atlrr Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Hi, i'm new to the forum and am looking for unbiased adivise. I'll give a somewhat detailed account of what happened and where we or i'm at now.. I really hope someone reads this, and any input is greatly appreciated. I met a girl last June who is in her early twenties and i'm in my mid thirties. I don't usually date such young girls, it just worked out this way this time. Anyways, we both were out of long 6+ year relationships very recently at the time. We dated and got along great; I fell for her and I know she fell for me too. After about three months she pulled away and eventually broke up with me to go back with her ex of 6 years. I did the usual please don't stuff, but that only lasted two days max then I dropped it and gave her her space. Forward about three months to about a month ago and I text her asking question about school and enrollment stuff figuring at this time i/we are capable of being friends. It progressed to where there was slight flirting (initially started by me) and her saying she wanted to work out together. About a week later she hinted that she wanted to ride on my motorcycle again. Then she says she wants to talk to me after the motorcycle ride and I start thinking she wants me back. This is where I kind of relapse and realize I still love her... She basically says that she want's me to know she broke up with me because i was out of her comfort zone and she went back to the routine she was familiar with. She explained she's done this before; however she says I was the first guy she cared for since her BF. She also explained she put up a wall to protect herself becuase she cared for me so much. She also said the three months with me were better than the last several years with her bf. She says she has thought about getting back together but can't act on it til she's single and actually learns how to be alone for a while. She says she doesn't allow herself to dwell on it. And ya know, she probably does need to be single for a while. She also said she still cares for me (we never told each other we loved each other, so I wouldn't expect her to use LOVE). I asked her about the word care saying that could be like friends and she said it was more that that. In the mean time we've gotten to where we work out about 2-3 times a week together, and she helped me with studies one day. She texts me periodically and pm's me on FB sometimes as well... So in the mean time I've been wondering if I should pull away again?? Or be friends with her, but much less available?? I really don't want to become only a friend to her, I want much more. So the other day at the gym I'm stressing because i'm caring for her so much again and don't know how to handle it. I figure I'll tell her we can't really hang out any longer becuase I care for her again and it's hard on me... WELL, it backfires. We talk in the car and I tell her how I feel... Probably mistake number 1!! Then she says she dont' think I should cut all ties, and so I tell her we'll remain friends... probably mistake number 2!!! During the conversation she also says she is still attracted to me saying that " I didn't get ugly" which was kind of funny at hte time. She also said the talk didn't bother her as she believes in everything being out in the open. Reading this I now see it looks kind of pathetic; however I realize I did fall for this girl. She's a great girl and I know she wouldn't purposely tease me or lead me around... Since our talk she helped me choose eye glasses and we had fun. We also had a blast on the motorcycle ride last week; to the point I almost don't see how she couldn't be thinking more about me.. Who knows... So now i'm wondering: 1. Did I ruin our chances of ever getting back together by being so honest with her? 2. Will being friends with her make it to where she only views me as a friend? Or is being friends ok just see her much less? 3. Should i completely pull away? If so, should I just do it kind of gradually with out telling her or have the talk again and then pull away? I really appreciate any insight or suggestions as this situation i'm in really is quite stressful. Thank you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Sounds like both of you have commitment issues. The one thing that people who have been married for 30+ years. They don't say, the sex is awesome, he/she is hot. They normally say they married their best friend. think about it. Maybe you to could entertain the idea of couples counceling. Link to post Share on other sites
NeNinja Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 You want unbiased advice. I hate to be 'that guy' but: You were a rebound. At this point your relationship has been over longer than it lasted. It's okay to be her friend but that is all you're ever going to be. I'd cut my losses and go No Contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 You can't pull away while being friends, that's a nice way to deceive yourself... Once a friend, always a friend, and this is from someone who got a second chance while being friends with her... Being "less friends" won't be viable because you will always expect more from her, and if anything, you will be "more friends" than what you intended... Anyway, she is with another guy and as such, you should leave her alone... Above all, and I know what I'm talking about, the only way to stop your pain is going away from her, if she really cared about you she would have cut all ties by now... I think she wants to get the best of your persona (ie using you) without paying any fee or just paying you back with little gestures of affection which she and you call friendship... Link to post Share on other sites
Author 56atlrr Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 Thanks for all the input. I am thinking NC again... I'm sure she's going to break up with her BF very soon. I know she's not in love with him. If I go NC with her it'll help me and additionally help her get over him without me as a crutch... ANy other input is apprectiated as well! thanks Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Me and the ex are now friends, although it's clear to everyone that there's feelings between us both. I'm sure her BF sees it too, but he never says anything. Me and her get along so well everytime we see each other, which sadly is not that much. My choices are the same too - walk away, tell her how I feel, stay friends etc etc. I really don't know what to do. I'm swaying more towards going for broke as I believe there's little chance of anything happening and last thing I want to do is end up in the friend-zone. Just telling her exactly how I feel and what happens after that, at least I've been honest with her, and myself. I wish I could offer more advice, but sadly I'm just as lost as you are... Link to post Share on other sites
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