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Lost my cool, and then I lost my girl. She's moved out and broken up with me.


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I've been dating ***** for a year and a few months. When I met her, it was complete and pure magic. The early months of the relationship I was consumed by love and utter joy. I was in love like never before and certain I had found my mate. She was perfect in so many ways. So beautiful, smart, and everything I had ever wanted. The best thing of all, she loved me too! It was amazing. I knew I had met the love of my life.

 

Then about six months ago, we started to have problems. Even though professionally work is good and I'm very organized, making money, and together, I started going to therapy to deal with issues with my family and childhood. That took away my sex drive, and we didn't sleep together as often. That led to more problems, small fights, and we weren't doing so well. She got insecure about a lot of things and I didn't have the fight in me to properly address the issues and get things back to normal so we kind of just had problems.

 

From there I got put onto a crazy project and my hours at work went through the roof. This led to her wondering if she trusted me and her thinking I was cheating. But, we stayed together. We still had a lot of great times and in my mind I still thought we would eventually get married. She kept mentioning moving away for her job, but I was trying to convince her to stay. She said she would because she loved me and wanted a family. We went to one therapy session and afterwards she said she thought we would be ok. But, we were still up and down.

 

At Christmas Day we got into a huge fight. I thought it was over, she said I was annoying and it seemed to represent were we had gone to with each other, not a good place. I yelled at her and called her a B****. The next day we worked on it and things seemed ok.

 

In January things seemed to be getting better. I was getting my sex drive back - FINALLY - and my personal family problems from childhood were getting better. All in all I was excited and committed. Then she went out of town for work and the night she got back, I was very excited to pick her up (we live together).

 

Unfortunately that day at work was CRAZY busy, and on top of it, I got a terrible migraine. I was stressed out about picking her up, but finally got it done. I raced home - nearly blinded by the migraine - and cleaned up and went to get her. Once she was back I was excited, but I didn't feel well.

 

Later we got into bed and I was surfing the internet. She got upset with me about looking at stupid stuff on a site similar to digg, and I got upset we were fighting and went into the other room to sleep. She didn't like that and said we fight too much. I felt like she was picking on me and I overreacted and completely lost my cool. I was yelling at her, and went into the bathroom, screaming and called her a b****. She said she wante to break up and I was so upset I through the toothpaste and deoderent out of the bathroom.

 

When I did that, she said I scared her and she had to leave. That she didn't feel safe. I didn't know what to do but I begged her not to leave and said I was sorry. She brought up some issues, some of them about my job and how I sometimes work with models, somethings that kind of insulted me and what I do, like it's not academic enough. But finally she got back in bed and eventually asked me to come sleep in the bed with her. I thought everything would be ok.

 

The next day she woke up, and after brunch, got upset about me throwing stuff the previous night and said she didn't feel safe. She asked for alone time and texted me later to talk. I met up with her and she said she wanted to break up that she had been thinking of it previously. We had too many problems, she felt battered and unsafe, and it was over.

 

I layed everything out on the line, told her I still thought there was magic between us, and wanted to work it out. I would goto counseling and do whatever it took. Eventually we hugged, went back home, and had sex. Afterward I could tell she was emotional, but hopeful, and she asked to have an alone night. So I went to a friends to sleep.

 

The next day she called and said we had to break up and she was moving out. I tried pleading my case but no luck. I am heartbroken. Two days later all of her stuff is completely gone. My house is nearly empty. I'm trying to be strong and work on me, but I still love her obviously. She is the love of my life. What can I do?

 

She came to check on me Monday, before all her stuff was out, and again stated that she didn't trust me, thought things were unsalvagable, and said she was no longer my girlfriend, that she was gone it was done.

 

I'm now wondering where to go from here. I haven't contacted her in the last two days. I wrote a letter to her, very brief, explaining I now understood that it was best to break up and apologized for my actions. Overall, it was very brief.

 

What can I do? I feel like I'm now labeled a violent person that would harm her, but I never have and never will! I love her to death. Please give me your thoughts. I know I'm not perfect. I have a lot to improve on. Is all hope lost?

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I'm sorry you're hurting right now.

 

It seems like you worked on everything in your life but your relationship. After 6 months, you and she had problems that were never resolved. You put the relationship after work, resolving your childhood issues, etc.

 

Your arguments went from you yelling and calling her names, to you yelling calling her names and throwing stuff. I can see how she is afraid that it will escalate more.

 

You have to give her space. Work on the things that caused problems between you and her. I don't know if all hope is lost, but it will be if you don't fix the problems she asked you to fix. Sorry I don't have better advice. Good luck.

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Sorry to break it to you, but it sounds like she just wanted out and used you throwing stuff to do so. Just go no contact and she might come back if she really loves you.

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Welcome to LS :)

 

Continue your therapy and work through your issues. Eventually you will meet someone who accepts you as you are and supports you when you are challenged by life and resolves differences with you in a healthy way.

 

It's probably a good idea to holster the ABC words in a loving relationship. There are better ways to express dissatisfaction. Therapy can help with that.

 

I used the 'cleanout' as an opportunity to do some long-overdue cleaning, then moved my mom's old furniture in to replace everything my exW took. Life goes on.

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Thanks for all the feedback. I'm still pretty confused. I still haven't contacted her. She emailed me today about getting some furniture back and helping me find a roommate, but I haven't reached out yet. I'm not sure what to say. I love her and do think we could clean this up, but obviously that's my perspective and not hers. I want to ask her togo to couples therapy but don't know when to do that.

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I wish I had some advice for you but all I can say is I'm sorry to hear.

 

This sounds just like my situation. I'm an off-and-on therapy patient since childhood and found the woman I knew I'd spend the rest of my life with and ruined it by blowing up for no reason at all.

 

I've calmed down over the years and become very mild-mannered, she never saw this coming. I hate myself for it.

 

Good luck man.. wish you the best.

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