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The EX and our Mutual friend


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My ex and I have a mutual friend (one of my best friends from childhood) who still talks to the both of us. I just found out that she has been talking to my ex and trying to convince him to give me another chance. This friend of ours has always been convinced that the ex and I are soul mates and has taken it upon herself to get us back together. Even though I know she means well, this has really made me upset.

 

My ex has made it clear to her over and over that he is not interested in being with me again but she still tries to change his mind. I am upset because I have kept my cool since the breakup, never begged or pleaded. And finding out what she has been doing just makes me think that she is making me come across as some desperate person.

 

She claims that he knows that I had nothing to do with her constant need to change his mind but I don't believe her. My trust in her has been completely destroyed now, but don't know what to do because we have known each other for over 11 years. Just when I started to heal..I'm stuck on the idea that her constant berating him may have pushed him even further away. A part of me wanted to break NC to let him know that I've had nothing to do with it but I decided against it.

 

Do you guys have any ideas or suggestions on how I should handle the situation? Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Edited by precious1
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You're talking to the wrong people. Talk to her! Have a

heart to heart with her and EXPLAIN how you feel about the whole situation. If she's a good of friend as you say she is, then she'll understand.

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Thanks for your reply chi town (I'm originally from Chicago by the way),

 

I have told her how upsetting this is to me...and she basically apologized. She said that she couldn't stand to see me in so much pain and just wanted to try and help. However, this does not make me feel any better. I am stuck on how this makes the ex perceive me (I know I shouldn't really be worried about his opinions). I can't help but think that he probably thinks that I played a role in this. I hate that he may be thinking that I am still pining for him..

 

Guess whats done is done though. Just sticking to my NC.

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Wow, this is a tough one, Precious.

 

Did you just find out today, after all this time? How many times has she spoken to him about your relationship, and when was the most recent incident? Did she just "confess" this to you to let you know it's hopeless or ...?

 

Botton line, it was disrespectful on her part to do this, and a violation of your privacy. It would be hard to fathom a friend doing something like this.

 

A part of me wanted to break NC to let him know that I've had nothing to do with it but I decided against it.
Good move. Do not contact him, that will make it worse, b/c he won't respond and your message will just feel like it is going into a black hole and make you feel worse.

 

Let sleeping dogs lie. Tell your friend that interfering in this matter is comparable to breaking NC and is totally against what you are trying to do to heal. Tell her what you have been going through to maintain your dignity, and to give your ex space and respect. Tell her that this has taken a lot of discipline on your part, and she needs to respect that. It does sound like she meant well, but now it has to be made crystal clear that she is hurting you. Just because someone doesn't mean to hurt you, doesn't mean they aren't culpable. If she respects you, she will stop.

 

All you can do is trust that she made it abundantly clear that you had nothing to do with her attempts to get him to take you back. That's all you can do.

(I have to log off now as I need to get to bed, but I will check the board tomorrow in case I can give you any additional reassurance or feedback) Keep the faith, and try not to be upset, ok? good night. Grace

 

Do you guys have any ideas or suggestions on how I should handle the situation? Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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Thank you for your reply Grace..you have very helpful and I really appreciate your kindness.

 

Basically I knew she had spoken to him the same night I tried to reconcile and got turned down ( 5 months ago). He gave her the same reasons he gave me for not wanting to get back together. What I wasn't aware of was the fact that she had brought up the subject with him many times after that. She claims that the last time was around October but somehow I dont believe her.

 

It came out in conversation today when I was telling her what I've been learning here on LS. She made a comment as to how "stubborn" he is because she has told him over and over again to work things out with me. Imagine my surprise/ anger!! She's promised not to ever do it again. I let her know that she was not helping my cause and that I would never want him to reconsider out of guilt or obligation.

 

I have to forgive her... I've known her for way too long for our friendship to end over a man who doesn't even want me anymore, however the trust will never be the same. The silver lining to this whole thing though is that I know now that he has had many opportunities to reconsider and chose not to. This has been closure for me in a way because I always wondered if he would have heard me out now that we've both had a chance to calm down after the breakup.

 

The hardest part of all this is the thought that he may think of me as some desperate girl who keeps sending him messages through the friend. I know I shouldn't care what he thinks anymore but it just makes it seem like my NC has been pointless. It doesn't help that a month after the breakup, a friend of his (who barely knows me) told him that they saw me standing outside his window. Mind you we live in the same building and his apt is the very one by the main entrance. Of course I'm going to be in that vicinity everyday! I just don't want to be made out to be some crazy stalker ex. These past couple of months have been hell!

 

Thank you for hearing me out Grace. Hope to hear from you soon.

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SeriousBob12

I think you're looking into this far too much.

 

Your friend acted on what she thought was a good call. Further more she was trying to help you as she hated seeing you sad. To get all bent out of shape is a bit much. Again this is your ex, he shouldn't matter at this point.

 

What she chose to do was something had no control over, and with someone who's feelings shouldn't matter much to you. If your ex wants to think you're desperate because your friend talked to him, then let him, he's an idiot. You should be happy that YOU know your dignity is in check.

 

I can understand why you're not exactly happy about it, but personally I think you're making it a much bigger deal than it is. Brush it off. Realize that your friend - though wrong - was trying to help because she cared. She has admitted her mistake, which should be enough. Having a friend that was trying to do what she thought was best to help you is far more important than what your ex's thoughts or opinons are. Instead consider yourself blessed that you have people that care so much about you.

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Thank you for your reply Grace..you have very helpful and I really appreciate your kindness.

You're very welcome. The reason this situation resonated with me is b/c I see it as a matter of boundaries.

 

Your friend crossed a boundary. She took it upon herself to try to help you, but without your permission, that was a very serious violation, IMHO. And there are times, such as this, when you have to wonder why someone went ahead with their own agenda anyhow. But that's another matter entirely.

 

It came out in conversation today when I was telling her what I've been learning here on LS. She made a comment as to how "stubborn" he is because she has told him over and over again to work things out with me. Imagine my surprise/ anger!! She's promised not to ever do it again.

 

I have to forgive her... I've known her for way too long for our friendship to end over a man who doesn't even want me anymore, however the trust will never be the same.

Agreed. You have to forgive her. But do not try to force or feel badly that things can't go back to being the same. Be ok with that. You have every right to feel the way you do, despite her best intentions.

 

However, if her meddling does bring you some closure, then capitalize on that as well. Your ex, rather than getting confused, has remained clear on his decision, and yes, it's for the best that you know that.

 

The hardest part of all this is the thought that he may think of me as some desperate girl who keeps sending him messages through the friend. I know I shouldn't care what he thinks anymore but it just makes it seem like my NC has been pointless.
Absolutely not, and I want you to erase that from your mind. You have been doing the right thing. There is nothing you can do or any way you can know what he is thinking, and therefore, please don't imagine the worst. He may not be thinking anything at all if he has moved on. I have a feeling in my gut that he does not look at you as desperate at all. And as much as your friend crossed a line, I think she was clear that she was talking to him behind your back, and never made it look as though you were coaching her on the side. Nope.

 

Forgive her, and ease your mind knowing you are a strong person. Let go of your doubts little by little and exchange them for hope. Good things await you. I can tell you are a genuinely nice person, and if you keep the faith in yourself and in your heart, you will get through this. Take care. Grace

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