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Need a little perspective.


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So, I was hoping to get a little insight and perspective from everyone at LS. This will be my first post so go easy on me. I'm also going to apologize in advance for writing out a novel but I think it's best to try and explain the entire situation so you can give the best advice.

 

So my gf and I had dated for 4 years. At the very beginning of our relationship, I was diagnosed with cancer and she stuck with me during my 6 months of chemo. We came out of that in love and shared our "first time" together. After about 2 years of a pretty solid relationship, we took a 6 month break. During that break we dated other people but we found that all we really wanted was each other. We had both been attending the same college up until that point, and I ended up getting into grad school at the same university while she was finishing up her bachelors degree (she's three years younger than me). We spent almost every day together during this time. After I finished grad school this past May, I hit the job trail and the only offers were in my home state of Michigan (where we both were) and then in California. The Michigan job would have been miserable (I honestly would've hated it) and the California job was pretty much what I've always dreamed of doing. So I took the California job. At first, my gf was really understanding. Then I think it kind of turned into resentment. We spent the last two months I was in Michigan being really happy together and very optimistic about the future. She was even looking for grad schools out in California where I would be (she finished her bachelors over the summer). So in early August, I loaded up my truck and we, together, drove across the country to my new home in Cali. We had a great time on the trip, and the topic of marriage even came up, with both of us agreeing that we wanted to be with each other in that sense. She stayed with me about a week in California but then she had to go back home to her job (which ends in February or March of next year). We kept in close contact for the first month: skyping and the whole nine yards.

 

However, I noticed that things started to change a little. She began partying a lot and I was getting really homesick. Her partying got a little out of hand and she told me she kissed her roommate (who is a girl) in front of a guy. I got really angry at this, and let her know that I was angry i.e. we had a pretty big fight. She told me that was trying to do as many things as possible (going out, different activities) to get past or avoid the depression that she was feeling now that I was gone. And that made sense to me, so I let it go.

 

I came home after about a month and half after she left Cali for a wedding and everything was hunky dory again. We spent all of the four or five days I was home together. Everything seemed normal: we were holding hands, she looked at me with love and longing in her eyes, and we had great sex. One thing that DID bother me was that she didn't hadn't submitted her vet school apps (she's always dreamed of being a vet). So, I helped her, on the last day before they were due, finish up her vet school apps and turn them in. I was really concerned as to why she had waited till the last minute to turn it in, it was very uncharacteristic of her. But we got them in and we carried on. And then I had to go back to the job. She cried when I left but I had bought her a ticket to visit me in 3 weeks. I told her it was going to be easy to make it till then.

 

The week after I got back was miserable. I think both us really broke down because we had seen each other but we couldn't be together like we used to. Anyways, I saw pictures of her at a tailgate and I guess I got jealous and got really sad (I was homesick and I missed my gf). It ended turning into a tearful conversation on my part later that night on the phone.

 

We kept pushing on. There were several texts from her saying that she loved me. And I send in return that I love her. She asked if she didn't get into vet school would I support and love her still and I said "of course". I told her that she could/should move out with me while she figured out what she wanted to do with her life. She could live in Cali and there are thousands more opportunities here than in Michigan. She said she couldn't do that because she was scared of leaving her family and going so far away.

 

A couple days later, she ran a marathon relay race with her friends. I didn't want to bug her so I didn't call her that day. The next morning I texted her and she was very bitter about that fact. That night I called her and we had great conversation until I asked her if she was excited about our plans when she came to visit. She was very quiet about this. And then she starts crying saying she doesn't know what she's doing with her life and she needs a few days to figure it out. I said "do you want another break?". And it pretty much ended on that.

 

A week later I called her, and told her that I just want her to be happy. Her parents were upset that she hadn't taken my offer, which was supporting for me but ultimately it is her decision. We got off the phone and then I heard nothing. The plane to bring her here was going to leave three days later and I didn't hear anything from her. She texts me the day she was supposed to leave saying she wasn't coming "because of everything that's happened" and that she's really sorry. She texted me twice to call her at work. She called me and left a voice mail because she wanted to see if I was alright. And she sent me a final text to call/email/text, anything to let her know I was alright. The fact of the matter was, I wasn't alright. So I didn't. And that was four weeks ago. I guess I didn't call or response because I was really hurt, I was tired of begging her to tell me what was on her mind and to let me help her.

 

She changed her facebook status from being in a relationship with me to nothing last week and it really hurt. So I turned off facebook. She made her profile picture some picture with her and a guy. That hurt to.

 

Ultimately, I feel like this is the best for me. I'm furthering my career and myself. I sometimes question if that was the right thing to do. But then I remember that I would have been miserable at the other job. I guess I'm just curious as to what you guys think happened? I know I can fix myself next time by not being jealous, but I think being so far from home made that really hard (especially not knowing anyone here). As for a reunion, I'm trying to push that out of my head. I don't want to get my hopes up and I feel like after one 6 month break, that should be enough to know that we want to be with each other forever. Maybe not?

 

Let me know what you guys think. I'm doing well. I mean there are good days and bad days. It's tough getting over the fact that we have been through so much and we couldn't get over this. But I'm just kind of curious as to where we went wrong and how I can change that for the future. I have probably left parts out so let me know if you need more info. Thanks everyone!

Edited by Friz
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Hello Friz!

 

Welcome to LS. I can attest to the fact that I also went through cancer with my ex and it brings you closer than ever with your partner. My ex (of 5 years) and I ended on completely AWFUL terms and will probably never speak again but once you go through something like that with someone I firmly believe you will ALWAYS have a special bond with them that no one can ever come near replacing.

 

As far as your particular situation, I commend you. You have given her the space she has asked for. It doesn't sound like you have begged or pleaded or lost touch with yourself through this process. Good for you, that is not an easy task. You did say she was three years younger and maybe she is just not ready to plan her life out just yet. Heck, I'm going to be 25 and I still get antsy when making "life decisions"! (please also remember that girls react and treat making life decisions very very differently).

 

I know when I graduated college I was offered a job 1,000 miles away and I had accepted it (my ex and I were together 4 years at the time, only two months prior was I officially cancer free and I would have been leaving him behind for a year) and two days before I was suppose to move I chickened out. It's such an important decision in ones life and not to mention scary. I know my ex constantly brought up that he felt like I was "moving on with my life and leaving him behind"... which I most certainly was not. But you have to remember you two had just gone through such an intense situation with your cancer where you both really relied on one another and to move half way across the country and not see each other as often is quite an adjustment. It takes a very strong, mature and committed relationship to handle that. Mine, where I was engaged, set to be married the following year, had a dog together, etc. could not even handle it. Please don't settle, from one cancer survivor to another you and I both know that we no longer view the world the same way. Life has a completely different meaning and no relationship should be any less than your hearts desire. If this girl does not want to commit to the relationship or even have the maturity to talk to you about the issues she is not worth it (at least not at this point in time), you being cross country trying to make the work at the very least deserve an explanation.

 

Your post gave me so many flashbacks to when I was in that situation and I know it's not easy. You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders, just remember to stay focused, give her the space she asks for and ALWAYS have YOUR best interest at heart.

 

Good Luck to you and I wish you the best.

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Thanks SmileyGirl I appreciate your response.

 

I definitely intend to keep doing what I'm doing. If she calls then I'll decide how I feel then. But I want to further myself right now. I've never really been single after that experience and it'll be nice to complete the man I want to be (even though I'm only 25 :D). These experiences are really where we grow, though.

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