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Hear him out or just dump him now?


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Hi all, I'm new to these forums and wanted to say first that you're a good group.

I've been reading this forum today and am quite impressed.

 

I've been involved with a man for over 2 years. We are both single.

Because of our life circumstances which are too complicated for this topic, we have an

understanding about dating other people. (ie: It's fine, as long as we're honest and safe).

 

I have always known about his friend S. I know they've continued to see each other

through ups and downs, just as we do, and that they continue to be intimate. I assumed

she always knew about me.

 

However, for a few weeks he's told me we need to have a talk about 'what we're doing'.

 

And yesterday, I found out in a rather awkward way (S. showed up while I was visiting him,

and he pulled me aside to confess this to me before I came downstairs to meet her) that she

believes that he and I are 'just friends'.

 

I played along with that, there was no need to create a scene at that point. She's a nice

young lady and doesn't deserve to be slapped by a confrontation like that. I excused myself

as gracefully as I could, wishing them both a nice afternoon, then proceeded to spend the

rest of the day, and most of today, in a state of shock.

 

He and I spoke briefly on the phone yesterday, I said "You're right, I guess we really do

need to have that talk". We probably will, in the next couple of days. I assume she's

spending the holiday weekend with him.

 

But I'm very angry. I feel dismissed and diminished in that he's lied to her about the

status of our relationship.

 

I'm not sure if talking with him would really help. Except for that I think it's extremely tacky

to break up with someone over the internet, I would send him an e-mail and tell him to forget

it. And I guess I really do wonder what he wants to say to me; Even though I fear that he's

going to give me the 'let's be friends only' speech, and frankly, I *do not want* to just be friends.

 

Argh.

 

What to do? Hear him out and see if anything can be worked out? Hear him out, realize my

fears, and walk away heartbroken? Hear him out and dump him anyway because he lies and

I can't trust him to tell the truth to me or to S. at this point? Or... just write him that e-mail

and say goodbye?

 

Of course I have the usual apprehensions, I don't want to lose a friend, I don't want to lose

the great sex, and I certainly don't want to go through the heartbreak of missing him.

 

Any level-headed advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Do you understand what this man did??? He lied to you. He lied to her. He deceived you both. Yet he selected her to be the one he is actually dating, he selected her to spend the holiday weekend with and he has left you with the shaft. You have nothing at all with this guy. Your perception of everything was great but it was all a lie. I am really saddened by this but it's far better for you to find out where you stand now than much later.

 

I just don't see that you have any choice whatsoever except to preserve your self respect and tell this chump where to go. What he did to you was heinous. This weekend he is treating you worse than garbage and if I could get to him I would punch him out. I will not be able to sleep until I know you're away from him. I am sick!

 

Oh, you say you don't want to lose a friend??? How do you figure this guy is a friend??? Would a friend do this to you??? EEEeeeewwwwwwwww.......

 

Oh, also, if you want to hear him out get his permission to put it on tape. I'd be first in line to buy a copy of his BS...cause it's gotta be really good.

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Thank you Tony...

 

you wrote "he selected her to spend the holiday weekend with"...

Actually, we knew that I couldn't spend the holiday weekend with him, I am busy

with family obligations.

 

It does make me sad that this other young lady probably thinks she's his girlfriend.

 

That said, I will tough out the conversation with him. I will let him say what he wants

to say, then let him have it with both barrels.

 

If his meeting with me is to dump me, I'll just say "Oh, no. You aren't dumping me.

I'm dumping *you* and for good reason. Your only reason to dump me is that you

can't have us both and it makes you uncomfortable to tell S. the truth. I'm dumping

*you* because you're a lying weasel. And don't ask for friendship. I can't be friends

with you because I've lost all respect for you."

 

gad, that feels good to get out in writing.

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Wow, I'm really sorry that you're having to go through this. And I hate to say it but I think you've already been dumped for all intents and purposes. As Tony observed, this guy has chosen to spend the weekend with this girl, and you are a "dirty little secret" that he wants to keep from her. I suspect that the conversation he has in mind will go something like, "look I didn't mean to fall for this girl but I have, and so ..."

 

Why subject yourself to that? I would take recent events as an unequivocal sign that it is over in his mind. And even if it isn't over in his mind, it should be in yours.

 

I wouldn't call him, take his calls or reply to emails. If things are not as they most definitely seem, he has a LOT of explaining and groveling to do. Don't count on that though; I'm afraid the writing on the wall is pretty clear.

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Let's be real here.

 

You've never been very important to this man and what you had was NOT a relationship. In the future, I think you deserve to find men that will confine themselves to your romantic company and ONLY your romantic company....regardless of how "complicated" any situation may be.

 

Expect more and you will get it. Spend 2 years settling......and you get this.

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As I mentioned, I could not spend this weekend with him and he knew that.

 

But that's beside the point.

 

We've carried on this way for a long time - the shuffle between S. and me.

The difference is that I now *know* that he has not told her the truth about us.

I am for open dating, but only when all parties involved know the truth.

 

You're right about why should I subject myself to a discussion. Very right.

 

I've just sent him an e-mail, telling him he's a lying weasel and I'm never

speaking to him again. I've blocked his address. I've taken him off IM.

 

Now I need to go have a good long cry.

 

I loved this man, for all his faults, but the respect is gone.

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Ryan, you wrote:

 

"In the future, I think you deserve to find men that will confine themselves to your

romantic company and ONLY your romantic company....regardless of how "complicated"

any situation may be."

 

That is sweet of you to say :)

 

To my mind, the only real reason to pursue an exclusive relationship with someone is

in the context of desire for marriage. I don't *want* to be exclusive until I have a

marriage proposal... but I don't want marriage. I'm raising children, don't want a blended family.

I'll wait for that commitment until the time when I can share my life with a man 24/7/365.

 

I am quite happy to be 'just dating' a man, as long as he treats me very well, and as

long as there is honesty all around regarding status and regarding sexual issues.

 

That may change, but right now, that's all I want and frankly all I can handle.

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I don't *want* to be exclusive until I have a marriage proposal... but I don't want marriage.

 

Therein lies the problem....any man that isn't exclusive with you isn't going to propose to you. What you've done is put yourself in a situation where you can avoid intimacy.

 

I'm raising children

 

All the more reason they need to see you in real relationships....or not in one at all. The "dating around" thing goes out the window when you have children watching your moves. Not only are you getting shafted...but they're watching and learning. (Where's the "we" in this raising process, anyhow?)

 

There's nothing sweet about what I've said. That's the appropriate expectation that YOU need to realize is a baseline. It's all about you, darlin.

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hmmm interesting point, Ryan.

 

I do want to point out that my children do not see me shuttled around.

I don't bring men to our home. (also, my kids are with me on a 2 weeks

on, 2 weeks off schedule, and I generally keep my dating activities to the

times when they're with 'dad'.) I think my example is fine. My kids see

me as an independent woman whose relationship(s) don't interfere with

their lives. As for the "we"... their father is a wonderful man, as fully involved

in their lives as I am, and we get along very well.

 

You say my kids need to see me in 'real relationships' or none at all...

My thought is that there are as many different types of relationships as

there are people to have them. Is any more 'real' than the other?

 

Actually, if I could find one good man who'd accept the fact that we'd live

apart until my youngest leaves for college, I'd be happy to date him only.

(and as free as I was to meet new people in this previous relationship,

I didn't feel a pressing need to do so, and certainly didn't cat around.)

 

My stance could change and/or someone may come into my life who's a

perfect match all around, for me and my family. But I'm not holding my

breath, and I'm certainly not going to be celibate for the next decade.

 

I'll continue to conduct my relationships with honesty, and expect the same.

 

Again, I thank all of you for your advice and comments. I'm holding up

ok tonight, thanks to friends who take me to see movies and let me

'get it out'. Now to get through the next how-ever-long it may be

without contacting the ex.

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