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Still not over ex-gf after a year?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

 
 
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Old 27th October 2010, 6:59 PM   #1
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Still not over ex-gf after a year?

My girlfriend and I were together for about a year and a half and split last November. We're both in our mid to late 20's. Everything was great for the first year, after which she became very strange on me and started to ridicule me non-stop over everything. Her family largely contributed to this as well since they were very obnoxious and overbearing; her parents were textbook helicopter parents. The last 5 months were very bumpy and she wasn't treating me so nicely, but I stuck with her because I knew she was having a hard time in her life and wanted to be there for her. Here I am a year later now still completely heartbroken over her and still in love with her. She never even reached out to me after the breakup...just completely cut me off as if I didn't matter. The worst part is I found out she's now seeing someone else (who is totally ugly on top of it) and I basically re-live the breakup in my head every day. I have no self esteem anymore after what she did to me (I literally took better care of her than most husbands do in a lifetime). I haven't really been able to date either because it's hard finding what I'm looking for. Is it normal to take this long to get over someone? What can I do get over this already? I literally wake up in the middle of the night thinking about this and sometimes cry. I've tried everything from traveling, going to school for an advanced degree, etc. Life just sucks without her, I miss her so much I really thought she was the one...

Last edited by wysiwyg6000; 27th October 2010 at 7:01 PM..
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Old 27th October 2010, 7:03 PM   #2
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Yea, i think it's fairly common to feel that way even after a year. I still do too.
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Old 27th October 2010, 7:45 PM   #3
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Cani just ask you dude.
How did you handle the break up?
Were you clingy when you were together?
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Old 27th October 2010, 7:51 PM   #4
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I think the main thing to do is to focus on yourself and try to fill the void of uneasiness that she left you in. You need to essentially forget about her and the times that you had, and know that eventually your next love will be as good, if not better than your previous love. It always gets better.

Of course it is natural to be sad, but you cannot let this grief take control of you. It may be hard, but you need to learn from your past and move on. Stay strong man.
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Old 27th October 2010, 7:59 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Capital P View Post
Cani just ask you dude.
How did you handle the break up?
Were you clingy when you were together?
I wasn't the one who wanted it, so when I finally confronted her about the lousy way she was treating me lately it didn't go too well. We were both crying, sometimes hysterically at points, and talking for hours. She wanted to change me and I wouldn't and I shouldn't have to. It's just like I told her...you should love me for who I am because I love you for who you are, flaws and all. I immediately through myself into studying to get into an advanced degree program and set near-term goals for myself, including traveling in Europe this past summer. I guess the problem is after I reached my goals I was kind of like "now what?". My only goal I haven't accomplished is replacing her. I had a great date last week that I didn't pursue further because I just still feel like I'm attached to her, no matter how hard I try to make myself hate her...I just can't.

As far as clingy, I'd say it's in the eye of the beholder. We were always around one another and practically lived together. We were both affectionate and stuff like that, but I didn't need her to do anything for me. I was always independent and could provide for myself. In fact, I cooked regularly, helped her around the house, took care of her when she was sick, etc. If anything, she needed me more than I needed her in that regard because her parents are always propping her up.
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Old 27th October 2010, 8:44 PM   #6
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Yea but when she broke it off did you chase her?
Have you been sending wierd texts or trying to meet up with her?
If you havent then i dont see how she would not have been in contact
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Old 27th October 2010, 9:17 PM   #7
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Yea but when she broke it off did you chase her?
Have you been sending wierd texts or trying to meet up with her?
If you havent then i dont see how she would not have been in contact
Believe it or not, I didn't really chase her. I called her and left her a voicemail several days after we broke up to see how she was doing and if she wanted to talk, but she never called me back. That was it. Once I saw she didn't call me back, I wasn't going to humiliate myself any further and decided that she would need to make the move to initiate contact after the way she treated me and things she said to me in the end. I never got a single text message, phone call or email from her ever since. Nothing. I think that's what hurts the most. How can you go out with someone for a year and a half like that when we were so close and just cut me off cold turkey? I've heard her philosophy before about people who breakup and get back together...she said something along the lines of if it didn't work out the first time then why would you get back together with that person again? I guess that sums it up.

Last edited by wysiwyg6000; 27th October 2010 at 10:32 PM..
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Old 27th October 2010, 10:45 PM   #8
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LOL WTF is a textbook helicopter parent??
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Old 27th October 2010, 10:57 PM   #9
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no self esteem, pain. I think you forgot who you were in this relationship. I think you lost touch with loving yourself. You want to hate her, that's wrong it won't help you move on it will only make you frustrated. You want to move on then work on loving yourself first and regaining your self esteem. Once you regain your self love feeling sad because of her will become an impossibility, because anyone who truly loves themselves will not allow themselves to suffer fruitlessly. and she will fade into the distance quietly, peacefully. This has nothing to do with gaining a new degree or distracting yourself this has everything to do with rebuilding yourself from inside.

good luck
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Old 28th October 2010, 12:03 AM   #10
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I'm trying to really read exactly what you're saying and not insert my own opinions or past experiences into this, and from what you have written it sounds like you did everything right in regards to your break up.

It's funny because usually everyones problem when they come to LS is grappling with the concept of NC. I know I have had major problems with that myself. But from what you have shared, it sounds like you have done everything advised and then some!

Yet, you are still grieving after a year. That tends to make me think you missed a key component in the letting go and moving on process. On paper you played by the rules and made the right moves. But in your heart and mind you still may have held on to something that you should not: the idea that she would someday come back to you.

All those months of NC, keeping busy, setting and accomplishing goals was not just to busy yourself until she at last realizes what a mistake she has made, but to better yourself and let the memories and feelings slowly fade away as you find new confidence and joy.

Did you go through any stages of grief during your NC? That is an important step in the process, and though painful, it can not be avoided. You can't fully move on and grow without facing its fury. However delayed, you may just now have slowed down long enough to finally feel the loss.
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Old 28th October 2010, 7:24 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by lalalandman View Post
LOL WTF is a textbook helicopter parent??
A helicopter parent is a term for parents that "hover" over their children's lives. It's a relatively new phenomenon, usually occurring with parents over the past 20 years or so years. They have to constantly be involved in the decision making process of their kids, severely impacting that decision making process, and just generally being all up in their business. This occurs well into adulthood. She always had to go with what her family advised and could never do it on her own. By contrast, I'm a very independent person and make my own decisions in life. Her parents were all up in our business constantly trying to meddle, her mother especially. She was making constant attempts to break us up from literally the moment she met me. Keep in mind, I'm a clean cut, professional and educated guy who is quiet and mild mannered and took incredibly good care of her, which no one denied. I think one of the final deathblows of the relationship was when her mother said to her that she knew she wasn't sure if I was the one for her. This happened about after a year.
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Old 28th October 2010, 8:09 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by starryeyed12 View Post
I'm trying to really read exactly what you're saying and not insert my own opinions or past experiences into this, and from what you have written it sounds like you did everything right in regards to your break up.

It's funny because usually everyones problem when they come to LS is grappling with the concept of NC. I know I have had major problems with that myself. But from what you have shared, it sounds like you have done everything advised and then some!

Yet, you are still grieving after a year. That tends to make me think you missed a key component in the letting go and moving on process. On paper you played by the rules and made the right moves. But in your heart and mind you still may have held on to something that you should not: the idea that she would someday come back to you.

All those months of NC, keeping busy, setting and accomplishing goals was not just to busy yourself until she at last realizes what a mistake she has made, but to better yourself and let the memories and feelings slowly fade away as you find new confidence and joy.

Did you go through any stages of grief during your NC? That is an important step in the process, and though painful, it can not be avoided. You can't fully move on and grow without facing its fury. However delayed, you may just now have slowed down long enough to finally feel the loss.
I definitely went through the grieving process, practically still am. I was doing ok for a while up until very recently when I found out that she is now seeing someone else. That just basically ripped the wound right open again. It all comes down to what does this person have that I don't and why couldn't we just work things out? I was compromising at the end and she didn't want to. It almost seems like her philosophy is that if you're truly the one for her you'll do and agree with everything that she does without question and that you shouldn't have to compromise. I've only had a few relationships, but to me this philosophy sounds completely pie in the sky and not realistic at all. You both have to meet one another in the middle in a relationship otherwise it won't work (like in this case).
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Old 28th October 2010, 1:48 PM   #13
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It all comes down to what does this person have that I don't...
This a pretty natural thought after you first find out that your ex has met someone else when you haven't. It's hard not to get critical of yourself, but you have to start changing the way you look at the situation. You've got to find a new perspective on the situation because the one you have is still damaging to yourself. Think about all the things that you have and the accomplishments you have made. You should be proud!

Quote:
...and why couldn't we just work things out?
This is the problem...these thoughts right here ^ ^ You listed off several reasons why she did not want to just work things out- her family, her immature take on compromise, her wanting to change you. During your NC you have obviously had time to think about the problems you faced and the incompatibility.

You need to focus on those thoughts for now- on why it DIDN'T work out, not why COULDN'T we work it out. This is a powerful difference. One train of thought may hurt because of the loss and the pain of accepting that something that was once great can so quickly change into something else. Its sad, but accepting. You have to accept that its over if you want to feel better.

The other train of thought hurts because of the loss, and continually cycles threw pain because it is still holding on. Its like a child begging, "please, just five more minutes!"

You will find love again and it will be much more stable and wonderful than the one you felt before. That is the ultimate reward if you can learn to accept it.
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Old 28th October 2010, 9:00 PM   #14
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Your not alone

[SIZE=2]Don't worry man your not alone, I am in a similar situation but It's only been 7 months for me. I hope I still don't feel like this after a year. I was with a girl for almost 4 years, living together. We broke up (mutually) because we were on different pages, but had a good relationship - We didn't fight at all had discussed marriage, and we did lots of cool stuff together - heaps of travel, very active, loving and just generally had fun.

I implement NC 4 days after the breakup which wasn't messy, just very sad. I didn't chase at all and that was it. I broke NC twice in 7 months and have sent two very short emails 1. to get a pendant back that I got for my christening (left it in her jewellery box). 2. to see if her parents were ok after a big earthquake hit her parents town. She replied to both quickly but coldly. She hasn't tried to contact me once.

I am still struggling with the loss too and like you have done everything in my power to try and forget about her and improve myself. I did all the things that were recommended to me by friends and online: Got rid of all the stuff that reminded me of her, go to the gym 5 days a week, took a second job on the weekends, went sky diving, went to Thailand, got a couple of new friends, went on a few of dates, reinvented myself - new cloths, new look, read lots, all this and I just cant seem to get her out of my head - I think about her all the time and its really frustrating. I think for me maybe starryeyed Is correct, I still hold onto the thought of her returning - we had discussed the possibility of getting back together in a couple of years when she is ready to settle down so I think I am holding on to false hope, but deep down I know in reality this will never happen, and even if she does come back we wont be the same people. I think one of the hardest things about NC is not knowing if they are feeling the same as us - kind of stale mate situation - she has to contact me first/he has to contact me first = no body contacts anybody. What if they are feeling the same? Isn't it better to ask the question then to live always wondering what if? For those who say man up and move on - what more can we do, honestly?

I think for us we have accept the fact that it is ok to miss them, and stop trying so hard to forget them by keeping extra busy. Just let it happen naturally, keep moving forward and some day eventually it will get better. That, and also I am seriously thinking about a rebound. I have rejected 12 girls in the past 7 months because I just compare and they don't stack up. Perhaps getting back on the horse will make it easier? I don't know but I am getting to point where I am willing to try anything.

Best of luck man, to love someone with all your heart when they don't even know it and you are getting absolutely nothing in return shows that you possess the ability to love someone on a very deep level - if this is the only good thing to come from this experience - embrace that about yourself, it's a very admiral and rare quality.
[/SIZE]
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Old 28th October 2010, 9:01 PM   #15
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Your not alone

[SIZE=2]Don't worry man your not alone, I am in a similar situation but It's only been 7 months for me. I hope I still don't feel like this after a year. I was with a girl for almost 4 years, living together. We broke up (mutually) because we were on different pages, but had a good relationship - We didn't fight at all had discussed marriage, and we did lots of cool stuff together - heaps of travel, very active, loving and just generally had fun. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]I implement NC 4 days after the breakup which wasn't messy, just very sad. I didn't chase at all and that was it. I broke NC twice in 7 months and have sent two very short emails 1. to get a pendant back that I got for my christening (left it in her jewellery box). 2. to see if her parents were ok after a big earthquake hit her parents town. She replied to both quickly but coldly. She hasn't tried to contact me once.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]I am still struggling with the loss too and like you have done everything in my power to try and forget about her and improve myself. I did all the things that were recommended to me by friends and online: Got rid of all the stuff that reminded me of her, go to the gym 5 days a week, took a second job on the weekends, went sky diving, went to Thailand, got a couple of new friends, went on a few of dates, reinvented myself - new cloths, new look, read lots, all this and I just cant seem to get her out of my head - I think about her all the time and its really frustrating. I think for me maybe starryeyed Is correct, I still hold onto the thought of her returning - we had discussed the possibility of getting back together in a couple of years when she is ready to settle down so I think I am holding on to false hope, but deep down I know in reality this will never happen, and even if she does come back we wont be the same people. I think one of the hardest things about NC is not knowing if they are feeling the same as us - kind of stale mate situation - she has to contact me first/he has to contact me first = no body contacts anybody. What if they are feeling the same? Isn't it better to ask the question then to live always wondering what if? For those who say man up and move on - what more can we do, honestly?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]I think for us we have accept the fact that it is ok to miss them, and stop trying so hard to forget them by keeping extra busy. Just let it happen naturally, keep moving forward and some day eventually it will get better. That, and also I am seriously thinking about a rebound. I have rejected 12 girls in the past 7 months because I just compare and they don't stack up. Perhaps getting back on the horse will make it easier? I don't know but I am getting to point where I am willing to try anything.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Best of luck man, to love someone with all your heart when they don't even know it and you are getting absolutely nothing in return shows that you possess the ability to love someone on a very deep level - if this is the only good thing to come from this experience - embrace that about yourself, it's a very admiral and rare quality.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
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