TomerT Posted October 7, 2010 Share Posted October 7, 2010 Short Summary (who didn't read my threads before) - my x-gf (for 4 months) went to vacation to her country, after 6 week I came to airport to meet her, and discovered that she came back with her X (they were together 3 years and separated 8 months ago)....pregnant from him. Of course - I had no idea about all this, until the next day her mum told me not to contact her in anyway, cause her X (apparenlty not X anymore) totally controlling her (reading her msgs, phone, email, etc...). We actually never talked since she came back (5 mins phone call from toilet, hiding from her new/old partner, crying and saying "I am sorry, I am confused, don't know how it happened, our families pushed me, what should I do, will you take me back ?" - doesn't count, right ? She tried to contact me several times since that, but I blocked her number (but still could see that she called).... It's nt like I didn't want to talk with her, I was dying to see her - but I wanted her to come to me (she knows exactly how to find me, we live 5 mins apart) and talk to my face and not hiding somewhere...Is it too much to expect from cheating girlfriend ? Apparently. The funny thing - I convinced myself if she will "fix the mess she caused" show true regret and give me some reasonable explanation I will give us another chance. But she never bothered to do anything of this....All this happened about 3 weeks ago. Now, I loved this girl very much and beleive she loved me also. We were talking about moving together, marry and having kids one day.... Since I am alone in the country - she was much more than a gf to me - she was my sister, my brother, my mother, my good friend...everything... I am 100% sure (99.99% to be honest) that no matter what she will do now (though knowing her, she will probably do nothing, cause of her weak character) she will never be mother of my kids, BUT I still care about her (as a friend)...She also alone in the country, and currently moved back to her X and his family (which emotionally abused her, but apparently changed as she had said to me from the toilet. btw this is the reason she left in the first place). Still, I am not sure she is happy there and even if they changed, I suppose it is only temporary... On top of all old problems, he also jelous to me and completely controlling her. I am not talking about unwanted pregancy (and possible abortion) I really don't know what is going on in her life lately. I promised her not to interfere to her "new happiness" and I keep my promise. Still, I may assume she is not very happy about what happened (otherwise probably wouldn't call me and tell all this things) also she mentioned abortion - but she may change her mind every day, so I really don't know... I read a lot since then in order to understand wtf happened here and what did I do wrong. I am not angry at her anymore, cause it is not her fault that she so easily manipulated and has such a weak personality (may be it is her parents fault that grew her this way, may be it is my fault that i didn't notice it and didn't break up with her before, saving a lot of pain for many sides involved). Also I am starting to realize that she may have some emotional disorder.Of course all these does not relief the pain she caused me... I am deeply hurt about the way she unjustified ended with me (without even seeing and/or talking to me). I will not tell you how I felt last few weeks - shortly I was a "breathing zombie", that couldn't even cry, cause I was out of tears. She has a birthday in few days - I am thinking whether I should aknowledge it in some way (at least send her some msg or card) ? I always promised her - that no matter what, I will be her friend (she doesn't have real good friends here at all) and I assume she expecting some kind of "sign of life" from me at this day (may be I wrong, though...therefore I asking for your independent insight here). I do not expect her - to crawl back to me cause of this jesture or even any reaction from her...But I thought it will make her feel better (although I do agree that she proabbaly don't deserve it right now) So what should I do ? Ignore her birthday or not to ignore ? Thanks in advance.. Link to post Share on other sites
Billie The Puppet Posted October 7, 2010 Share Posted October 7, 2010 I wished my ex a happy birthday, she phoned and it was too soon after the break up where I ended up discussing the relationship and got rejected. I made a promise to be friends too but that should have been a redflag in the relationship. I can't be friends. I'll be there if she needs me is what I told her but no general chat and we are both sticking to that. Thing is I now know I can't be there if she needs me either because I'll just be a doormat. If you are fine being friends and have accepted her new relationship go ahead send a text unless you are doing No Contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TomerT Posted October 7, 2010 Author Share Posted October 7, 2010 If you are fine being friends and have accepted her new relationship go ahead send a text unless you are doing No Contact. I am in NC for 2 weeks now, but not cause I want her back (though, frankly, deep inside, I do want her to admit that she made a wrong decision in the wrong way). I am realizing that there is no future (as a couple) for me and this girl - she messed so much and cause me so much pain, I will not be able to forget it. But, I assume she is also going through a rough time right now. I always told her "good friends like stars - you may not see them , but they still there"...I am not even not sure if I will see her or allow her to see me, but I can give her some "sign of life" from my side in form of msg or card ( I was thinking even about a gift...) I think it does not show that I am doormat, rather the opposite - I control and decide how to act. Link to post Share on other sites
mmk1 Posted October 7, 2010 Share Posted October 7, 2010 Dude, you were only with her four months and she came back from vacation pregnant with her ex in tow? WTF?? There is no future with this girl and certainly no reason to ever talk to her again, let alone worry about her birthday! She obviously has absolutely no feelings for you and does not care about your feelings. NEXT!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Billie The Puppet Posted October 7, 2010 Share Posted October 7, 2010 Your latest reply is way too much effort for an ex. The most you should do other than NC is a simple happy birthday text. It's still a sign of life which in all honesty you don't need to show her. You say you don't want her back she has caused you too much pain etc but still would like to be friends yet you have been in NC. A birthday is not a valid reason to break NC in my honest opinion. To me the sign of life you want to impose is more like a message: Hi I'm still here do you remember me? It's like by you going NC you are afraid she will forget you. I'm a few days shy of 5 weeks NC and am sure the ex has thought of me but knows she made a decision that best suits her. I love her, I'm going through the same pain you are as I thought she would be the mother of my children but have to accept that it's over. Breaking NC delays healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TomerT Posted October 7, 2010 Author Share Posted October 7, 2010 Your latest reply is way too much effort for an ex. The most you should do other than NC is a simple happy birthday text. It's still a sign of life which in all honesty you don't need to show her. You say you don't want her back she has caused you too much pain etc but still would like to be friends yet you have been in NC. A birthday is not a valid reason to break NC in my honest opinion. To me the sign of life you want to impose is more like a message: Hi I'm still here do you remember me? It's like by you going NC you are afraid she will forget you. I'm a few days shy of 5 weeks NC and am sure the ex has thought of me but knows she made a decision that best suits her. I love her, I'm going through the same pain you are as I thought she would be the mother of my children but have to accept that it's over. Breaking NC delays healing. Agree with all this. the main difference - that she alone here, her family in another country, she doesn't have too much (if at all) real friends here. Although she moved to live with her new spouse (and his family), I am not sure she feels really happy there. I thought to make this gesture more of compassion, to let her feel better, that she is not alone rather "please don't forget about me"....I almost sure she will not... the thing is - I read this article and I even not sure if she even appreciate this. Although I pretty sure she expecting from me "something" on this day. Link to post Share on other sites
Billie The Puppet Posted October 7, 2010 Share Posted October 7, 2010 It makes no difference if she has no family or friends where she is it doesn't validate breaking No Contact, that's her concern not yours. You are guilt tripping yourself into wanting to make contact. I personally think if you made the choice to go NC you shouldn't break it because of a Birthday. I was LC when I wished my ex a happy birthday but had I been NC I wouldn't have. As for her expecting you contact her, she can do what she pleases but you should have to let your guard down out of respect for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Ajax Posted October 7, 2010 Share Posted October 7, 2010 Agree with all this. the main difference - that she alone here, her family in another country, she doesn't have too much (if at all) real friends here. Although she moved to live with her new spouse (and his family), I am not sure she feels really happy there. QUOTE] So she is married to this guy? That should be enough to know the answer to your question in itself. My personal philosophy is that if someone removes you from their life (i.e. broke up with you) you stay out of their life until they show you that they want you back. No birthday wishes or greetings. Those privaleges are gone. Compassion doesn't enter into the equation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TomerT Posted October 7, 2010 Author Share Posted October 7, 2010 My personal philosophy is that if someone removes you from their life (i.e. broke up with you) you stay out of their life until they show you that they want you back. No birthday wishes or greetings. Those privaleges are gone. Compassion doesn't enter into the equation. She separated from this guy for 8 months and was waiting to finalize her divorce (the official procedure takes 12 months. Now I understand why the system works..."saved" another unhappy marriage...Anyway.... You probably right - my attention is her privilege (even as a friend). She did nothing to earn it back (even as a friend, friends don't act like this to each other). Probably she doesn't need it (yet).... Thanks for waking me up ! Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 Don't contact her!!!!! Period!! Link to post Share on other sites
nittanylion Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 Who care? Dont call or text her to say "happy birthday". Hell no, I never text or call my ex when her birthday past ast week. She doesnt deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
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