Broke up, no contact worked. Broke up again, trying to initiatea properly

[Jamie_w]

Each time id break up with my gf she would barge her way in , using sex, insecurity, whatever to get me to speak to her, see her. But after about 2 yrs of us being friends , on/off a it changed and we were happy so i said i wanted to be with her properly.

At that point she flipped and called it off

Stuck to no contact, gave no emotion even when she did and we met up 4 months later and slept together, got back together. That is how NC works.

In between us breakin up I had concentrated on myself and met a girl in the US and was going to move out there for work etc. So I had a few life changing decisions to make. But i stayed here for her.

I ended up deciding to move towns, 2 hours down the rd, but staying in the UK for her.

 

A month ago she started acting distant. Stopped texting as much. I paced her texting, told her we needed to meet and sort out what was going on, as i have to leave town soon. We arranged to meet, she flaked and said she couldnt because she was too hurt about the past. I had a feeling she wanted me to reach out so i text her a few times saying i was staying in the country for her and i wanted to sort it out, but she had to talk to me. She ignored it. I sent 2 texts and called once. And never heard back, that was a week ago.

Im in a position now that I hate. NC worked first time because we met up and i accepted it. I paced her texting, gave no emotion and concentrated on myself

When we got back together she said she couldn’t look at anyone, missed me every day etc, and i am this girls first love, and she is completely under my spell as it were. She loves me to the point she would do anything, but she seems to change the nicer i am.

 

So im doing NC, but the only thing that bothers me is that i sent 2 texts and called her, had no response and have wasn't able to initiate the NC, really she did. So it will probably take her about 3 months to have the eureka moment where she realises im moving on. Been a week now and I would have liked to have a talk, told her i was happy for her and left it, like i did last time.

 

So Two questions

1) She is obviously angry about the past. And in turn has treated me badly. Are we both to blame for where we are or is it more to do with me? I did sleep with her for 18 months saying i didnt want a relationship, but i was completely honest about this.

2) should i send her any kind of contact letting her know i accept everything and have moved on

 

Im going to accept it and move on, but want her to miss me as much as possible.

Im thinking though it will worry her more if i don't contact from this point.

Edited August 11, 2010 by Jamie_w

[Beeotch]

I didn't read every last word....but I'm not one for the NC Game.

 

Not contacting your ex is about setting boundaries and moving forward with your life, doing your own thing and IF it is meant to be it will come back around when you're in a better place...

 

Anything else is misguided and a waste of time.

[exclusive.]

I would only contact her about moving on, if she contacts you first maybe?

 

but my main piece of advice would be take your loss of not initiating NC and just be strong for yourself to see you definitely are the one to make sure NC works, and end things.

[Don Ho]

Well, I am a big fan of No Contact because it helps you get over them faster and gives the best opportunity for reconciliation later if that's what you decide you want. Continue NC. You got her to come back the first time, but you did not take it SLOW as you should have. That makes it even tougher for a reconciliation to come about later if at all. No DO NOT tell her you're moving on ... just do it. Whatever you would tell her won't make any difference and she won't believe you're not pining away for her. SHOWING her by NC lets her know that you don't care (which is the point). Stay away, NC and do not respond.

[Jamie_w]

Well, I am a big fan of No Contact because it helps you get over them faster and gives the best opportunity for reconciliation later if that's what you decide you want. Continue NC. You got her to come back the first time, but you did not take it SLOW as you should have. That makes it even tougher for a reconciliation to come about later if at all. No DO NOT tell her you're moving on ... just do it. Whatever you would tell her won't make any difference and she won't believe you're not pining away for her. SHOWING her by NC lets her know that you don't care (which is the point). Stay away, NC and do not respond.

 

Thanks guys. Yea, i kind of think that anything you do to let them know you are moving on, just proves you arent lol.

I have lost here so im just going to have to admit defeat and move on. If it was me i would have ended it as friends, then gone to no contact until we were both over it,

She is making it easier for herself by doing this so my jobs to walk out like a man.

It'll just take one or two months longer for her to realise its done and get scared. maybe!

[Jamie_w]

I would only contact her about moving on, if she contacts you first maybe?

 

but my main piece of advice would be take your loss of not initiating NC and just be strong for yourself to see you definitely are the one to make sure NC works, and end things.

 

@exclusive

Mate can i just ask because you seem to know the score with all this kind of stuff.

Is it going to take her longer to contact because i haven't been able to initiate it? Does this affect her behaviour towards the break up? Does she have the control?

 

Last time we broke up for example we met up, i accepted it, she text and i ignored it. And because of this she text in about 2 weeks and i slowly baited her on invest into it.

I am also leaving town in a weeks time which i presume she knows.

[exclusive.]

Jamie mate, your worrying fat too much about her actions rather than thinking of your own.

I would stop concentrating on when she will contact and focus on your life... whats next in the life of Jamie W... your main goal does not derive on whether she contacts you or not, but what YOU set your sights on.

 

If I were you, I would get it strong in your head its over. You initiated last time, she initiated it this... that means your at a mutual agreement.

 

How old are you fella? and how many girls are out there compared to you? Thats a big old ratio, I know you are thinking about her a lot and I know its hard but you gotta let go now and concentrate on your future of YOUR life.

 

I hope that helps.

[Jamie_w]

Jamie mate, your worrying fat too much about her actions rather than thinking of your own.

I would stop concentrating on when she will contact and focus on your life... whats next in the life of Jamie W... your main goal does not derive on whether she contacts you or not, but what YOU set your sights on.

 

If I were you, I would get it strong in your head its over. You initiated last time, she initiated it this... that means your at a mutual agreement.

 

How old are you fella? and how many girls are out there compared to you? Thats a big old ratio, I know you are thinking about her a lot and I know its hard but you gotta let go now and concentrate on your future of YOUR life.

 

I hope that helps.

 

 

Tbh dude, it was only 4 days since we broke up and i wouldnt say im over it obviously but im not exactly breaking down either, im actually surprised how easy its been. But i do over analyze i know!

 

I am going to the US next week to see the US chick who is a 10, bisexual, has a house on the beach, then im in Germany and then speaking at a conference in Nashville. Inbetween all this i'm moving to a new town, so its all good.

 

I guess my problem is im ****ing angry at how it panned out. After 4 years, no reason, not even picking the phone up , after i stayed in the UK to be with her. I am fine doing NC but i want the control. If i had that it would be easy.

And i want to be mates at some point, or **** buddies like a few of my other exes. But the way it was ended just makes us hate each for no reason.

[exclusive.]

Sometimes control is admitting you don't have it. It's annoying that you werent the first to start NC but you can't control that. What you can control is having a nice time with the girl in the US and doing well in your job! You'll soon think of nothing else but your exciting future.

[fearthepinkmist]

So let me get this striaght. You actually don't wanna be with this girl but you want her to want you.. Ok yeah I was about to judge you but I guess Im not any better. I was thinking the other day about my guy and how well he isn't a complete ass and actually has a heart and if was a jerk and used me the whole time that well at least I know he now feels guilty and I was happy about it. I am not any better I guess..

 

And no don't contact her. If you really are ready to move on she will see it and it will make her act or make her silent and then what will be will be. Like exclusive said.. focus on you. Are situtions are pretty similar and I do know almost how you feel. I did the whole with someone without being with them... it kinda makes this whole process even more confusing... cause how do you break up with someone your not really with you know?

[Jamie_w]

So let me get this striaght. You actually don't wanna be with this girl but you want her to want you.. Ok yeah I was about to judge you but I guess Im not any better. I was thinking the other day about my guy and how well he isn't a complete ass and actually has a heart and if was a jerk and used me the whole time that well at least I know he now feels guilty and I was happy about it. I am not any better I guess..

 

And no don't contact her. If you really are ready to move on she will see it and it will make her act or make her silent and then what will be will be. Like exclusive said.. focus on you. Are situtions are pretty similar and I do know almost how you feel. I did the whole with someone without being with them... it kinda makes this whole process even more confusing... cause how do you break up with someone your not really with you know?

 

I stayed in the country to be with he, and got back with her. And 4 months down the line, she just broke it off without an explination.

I know she was hurt that i was leaving cities to which i said i hadnt fully decided what i was doing, and then her excuse for not meeting up was that she was too hurt about the past, which sounds like an excuse.

 

I think it for her she wants me to make a grand gesture, and then when i put myself out there she sabotages it, probably down to being confused, bad advice from friends.

 

I would have been happy meeting up and ending it. Having NC and then if she calls she calls, otherwise ill be moving on in the meantime.

 

I just didnt want to hand her the power. Ordinarily if someone breaks up with you like a bitch then you want to lash out, or at least find out why.

In some ways id rather just have it out and lose her completely as a friend in the future.

But im following NC because at least i know i have been the stronger person

[Jamie_w]

So let me get this striaght. You actually don't wanna be with this girl but you want her to want you.. Ok yeah I was about to judge you but I guess Im not any better. I was thinking the other day about my guy and how well he isn't a complete ass and actually has a heart and if was a jerk and used me the whole time that well at least I know he now feels guilty and I was happy about it. I am not any better I guess..

 

And no don't contact her. If you really are ready to move on she will see it and it will make her act or make her silent and then what will be will be. Like exclusive said.. focus on you. Are situtions are pretty similar and I do know almost how you feel. I did the whole with someone without being with them... it kinda makes this whole process even more confusing... cause how do you break up with someone your not really with you know?

 

And looking at your situation, yea it is harder. I think what you have to do is look at their actions, not their words.

Most of the time they are stopping themselves resolving something properly because they are angry and being selfish, looking to not get hurt.

 

So i dont mind being in the position i am in. I have probably accepted its over before she has, and you sound like you have done the same.

[fearthepinkmist]

And looking at your situation, yea it is harder. I think what you have to do is look at their actions, not their words.

Most of the time they are stopping themselves resolving something properly because they are angry and being selfish, looking to not get hurt.

 

So i dont mind being in the position i am in. I have probably accepted its over before she has, and you sound like you have done the same.

 

Yup your are exactly right. Acceptence is key. I still love him very much and would be with him if that ever came about but if he doesn't want it he doesn't want it I can't make him love me and I don't want to. Who wants someone that they MADE love them... that just makes you wanna puke.

[mmk1]

Read this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

Often imitated, never duplicated.

[Jamie_w]

Read this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

Often imitated, never duplicated.

 

I like you post dude, can i just ask though. With a couple of exes either i got back with them after 6 months, or they did the same.

You said the feelings go after 4 months but i find they can get stronger, if you play it correctly