Out of the blue

[Confused&Scared]

Please help me! My boyfriend of a year has told me that he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. As far as I am concerned, this has completely out of the blue.

 

He lives a little while away from me, so I only see him at weekends, but he will phone me at least once a day to chat to me. Last weekend, we had a great time and went out with his friends, had lots of fun. He was talking about booking a holiday for December and also going away in August with me and how much fun it would be.....

 

And then on Sunday morning, he seemed abit out of sorts and said that he was confused, didn't know what he wants. Cares alot about me (although he has said that he loves me in the past, he hasn't said it since the weekend), doesn't want to hurt me etc.

 

I have spoken to him a couple of times since SUnday (because he has phoned me) and I can't say that it hasnt been difficult.....I don't really know what to say to him as I don't know if I have been dumped or not (I haven't asked either as I desperately don't want to be). I thought that things were going to be OK - he finally mentioned the incident at the weekend last night, and apologised and asked if I was OK. I told him honestly that I wasn;t and that I don't know where I stand, and he replied that he didn;t either. Sounds like he is just as confused as ever.

 

I know that this has only happened over the course of a few days, and I am being impatient, but I don't want to mess this up. I don't know what to say or do that is going to help. Ultimately, I don't want to struggle through this to find out later that he isn;t the one, but I honestly believe that he could be. We have such a laugh together, and although our realtionship is serious, I wouldn't say that it was full-on talking about weddings etc. I have told him that one day I would like to get married (to someone, not necessarily him..) abut am definately not ready for that yet. He has in the past said that he doesn't wasnt to get married to me....just yet, implying that he isn't afraid of comimitment.

 

I am seeing him this weekend, as we are going to a friends wedding, and am planning on just having fun with him and trying not to think too much about this situation. I just can;t believe that it is happening. My friend thinks that he has probably got scared and that this is just a blip. She thinks that he has realised how good we are together and is abit freaked out by it. I desperately want to believe her, but she is a very kind person!! I don't know where all this has come from as only the day before he was telling me how much he loves me, how much he likes having me around and how happy I make him.

 

Please help me to make this better.

[clia]

I don't really know what to say to him as I don't know if I have been dumped or not (I haven't asked either as I desperately don't want to be).

 

This is such a terrible place to be.

 

My only advice is to pull back and give him some space to think about things. Since you already have plans to see him this weekend, go ahead and do so, but other than that, try not to contact him, and don't talk to him every time he calls. Let him feel what life is like without you around. This may help him come to a decision.

 

Pick a time limit in your head, say two or three weeks. At the end of that time, he needs to give you an answer. It's not fair to you to be left in limbo and things like this can drag and drag and drag.

[Mwende]

It sounds to me like there are two people here who need to make decisions. He needs to decide if he wants you in his life, and you need to decide if you want to spend time with someone who can treat you like this. For whatever reason, he's leaving you on tenderhooks, knowing that you're suffering. Does he recognize the pain you're going through? If so, why does he allow it to continue? If not, how insensitive is he?

 

The Ann Landers test applies -- are you better off with him or without him?

 

You might want to read my post ("Broken Engagement") and the reply. It sounds like our guys would have a lot in common.

 

Have you talked to him about going to counseling together? I understand it would be inconvenient, living apart as you do, but isn't your relationship worth being inconvenienced?

 

He's not the only one here who is making decisions. Don't forget that.

 

Mwende

[niko1999]

I have to agree with Clia. I was actually in a similar situation myself a few months back. My boyfreind and I had been having troubles, and went to Fl for my best freinds wedding, adn everything was great. Than he decided he was going to tell me that he loved me, but wasnt in love with me. Well, you can just imagine how I felt. Lost, confused and scared. So I kind of back off for a while, we had problems for a little while longer, and then thing worked out quite well. Though I have no doubt in my mind that when he told me that, that he meant it, and he honestly felt that, but at the same time, I think he just got a little freaked out. It sounds as if that is what is happening with you and your boyfreind. Just play it cool, be relaxed and have fun(easier said than done, trust me, i know), but you might be suprised at the results. And time will tell. Best of luck to you hun, keep us updated

[Confused&Scared]

Hey guys...

 

Thanks for your great advice. Just to let you know that I am off to the wedding today. My possibly (!) boyfriend is definately coming. He has phoned me every night this week and has been quite friendly too. Last night he said that he was really looking forward to seeing me (hopefully not to dump me!) so wish me luck!

 

Thanks again, I'll keep you posted....

[Confused&Scared]

OK guys.....heres the latest update....

 

We had a great weekend at my friends wedding. My boyf. and I went out on Friday and had a laugh....he apologised for everything, said I hadn't been dumped and that he was feeling much better. Didn't really talk about what the problem was so am still none the wiser. The day of the wedding was lovely, and at the reception we had lots of dances and he told me how lovely I am and that I'm 'the best' and that I make his life so much better. Woohoo!

 

BUT on Sunday, he said that he wasn't feeling so great so I beat a respectably hasty retreat (before anything bad happened again!). When I spoke to him on Monday, he said that he had been driving home and suddenly just burst out crying. I feel so bad (i hope that it isn;t me that makes him so miserable, that would be awful) but I just can't help him. He doesn't want to talk to me about the problem, which just makes me more paranoid that I am the problem. It isn't like him to cry though, so he is obviously really upset about something.

 

I am trying to give him space, but don't want to be unsupportive either so I have sent him a card in the post to let him know that I am thinking of him.

 

I just don't know what to do......if I am the problem, then I don't want to hurt him like this. I love him so much, I am scared we are still going to split up. I am feeling so insecure all the time at the moment, I don't know how much more of this turmoil I can take; but I don't want to end it. He does make me so happy and feel so good about everything (under normal circumstances). I guess I'm just going to have to wait this thing out until it reaches its natural conclusion, whatever that might be.........

[niko1999]

I think right now you are handling it pretty well. When he is ready to talk, he will tell you, he probably just has to let it work out on his own first. If a person cant explain thier own feelings to themselves, how can they explain them to another? Sounds like you are doing fine, keeping back just enough, but being supportive just enough as well. The ball is in his court. Just continue what you are doing. Thinking of you hun:)

[Confused&Scared]

Well guys, I guess there is no reason to be confused and scared and more. After 3 weeks of pretending nothing was happening, I finally fronted up to my boyfriend, and he split up with me. Apparently he just suddenly woke up one morning (after a lads night out when he assures me he didn;t meet anyone else!) and felt completely differently about me (this is the same guy that would tell me how much better his life is now that he has met me; that he loved me so much and that he would do anything for me).....

 

He said that he still wasn't completely sure if it was the right thing to do, but didn't know if that was because he was scared of losing me or scared of being on his own. He said that not seeing me for a couple of weeks hadn't bothered him too much and I guess that had made his decision for him. Ultimately, he said that he didn't see me being the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

 

What can I say, except that i am gutted; for the first time ever, I thought that he was the perfect man. He was so kind and caring towards me and always put me first. I truly believed that I had found my soul-mate. I know that if it is meant to be , it will be; not that that helps at the moment. My friends still think that he will come back and that he is just scared of commitment, but a man that doens't want to carry on with you because he doesnt want to marry you doesn't sound like much of a commitment-phobe to me!

 

I really want to believe my friends that we will get back together someday and to be honest, I think that is why I am not crying onto the keyboard right now! I didn't think that I would ever see/hear from him again (we live a couple of hours away from each other so are unlikely to just bump into one another) but he phoned me on Friday afternoon - I didn';t get to my phone in time so he left a message saying that he would try me again abit later and that he was just checking that I was alright. It is now Sunday and he hasn't phoned yet. I know that he probably thinks that I am ignoring him by not contacting him (well, he said he'd call back!) but if i'm completely honest, by not talking to him or seeing pictures of him etc. I can kind of convince myself that he never existed and get through this at the moment. In time, I guess the pain will fade and I will be able to look back at all of the good times we had.

 

Sorry for the long rambling, had to get things off my chest!!

 

What are your views on the likelihood of us getting back together? I was so convinced that we were meant to be that I am obviously not going to forget that overnight. But telling me that he can't see me being 'the one' is a very difficult thing to overlook! Do you think that he meant it or is he still confused? I am hoping that absence truly does make the heart grow fonder as I do believe that he truly loved me and don't see how that can disappear overnight.

 

Your opinions mean alot to me. Thanks for taking the time to read this!!

[clia]

What are your views on the likelihood of us getting back together?

 

I hate to say it, but based on what he said to you it doesn't sound likely to me at all. I mean, he said he didn't miss you over the past couple weeks and that he couldn't see himself marrying you. Those aren't the words of someone who wants to keep the door open.

 

That said, you now have a long road ahead of you. All I can tell you is Do Not Contact Him. Do whatever you can to not talk to him should he call. He rejected you, so he does not deserve one iota of your time. Take some time to cry and be depressed and eat ice cream, but don't drag it out forever. After a week or two, force yourself to go out with your friends and do things. The best thing you can do right now is stay busy so you aren't thinking about this all the time. Post here if you need to vent.

 

Good luck to you...

[Curt]

...he just suddenly woke up one morning (after a lads night out when he assures me he didn;t meet anyone else!) and felt completely differently about me.

 

I find it very difficult to believe that this was an overnight decision. I suspect that feelings of uncertainty had been in his heart for a while before this happened. The night out with the guys, chatting about things, seeing other available women, etc. may have been the event that precipitated the split, but the makings were there beforehand. I suspect the long distance aspect of your relationship may have been a factor leading to this problem also. Only seeing the one you love so dearly on weekends can take its toll. Physical presence is a BIG thing for guys. Not the only thing, but it is very important to have someone there. Then again, only he MAY know.

 

...didn't know if that was because he was scared of losing me or scared of being on his own.

 

It was probably a bit of both. Breaking up with someone is often plagued by uncertainty and insecurity about that decsion. Nonetheless, the seeds of some fairly major doubt appear to have been in his mind.

 

not seeing me for a couple of weeks hadn't bothered him too much.

 

That comment suggests to me that he wanted his freedom. If I am correct in assuming you would have only gotten to see each other two weekends, then the loss might have been minimal in his mind if he was already torn.

 

...he didn't see me being the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

 

Well, that really does say it all. He was somehow unhappy with the way things were with you both, and he wanted out. He is probably sparing you both from a potentially messy, hurtful, and wrenching breakup.

 

He was so kind and caring towards me and always put me first.

 

Perhaps somewhere along the way he got "lost in the shuffle".

 

Do you think that he meant it or is he still confused?

 

Yes, I think he is still somewhat confused, and yes, I think he meant what he said.

 

I am hoping that absence truly does make the heart grow fonder as I do believe that he truly loved me and don't see how that can disappear overnight.

 

If there is one thing that I am certain about, it is that his feelings will not disappear overnight. Nonetheless, I think that absence allows us to move from a place of memorable passion and love today, to one of heartfelt memories of that experience for all our tomorrows. Sadly, I feel you are best to start that process of healing and growth now.

 

You know, to me it's rather like the way the power interruption in North America appears to have happened a week or so ago. Once you've lost one critical section of a person's heart, it can affect other sections, overloading the "tolerances" built into those areas through reciprocity, etc. Eventually, communication can break down, and unless saved quickly, the whole relationship can experience a cascade failure.

 

I suggest you do all you can to heal your spirit, and then move on to make some guy very forunate to share your intelligence, love, and loyalty.

 

That's my opinion.

 

Curt

[sunnie23]

it's rather like the way the power interruption in North America appears to have happened a week or so ago. Once you've lost one critical section of a person's heart, it can affect other sections, overloading the "tolerances" built into those areas through reciprocity, etc. Eventually, communication can break down, and unless saved quickly, the whole relationship can experience a cascade failure.

 

that is the most amazing piece of advice. wow.