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How can I stop hoping?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Old 28th June 2010, 9:06 PM   #1
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How can I stop hoping?

My ex and I have been broken up for about 4 months now. He broke up with me. We were together for 2 years. For a couple of months after the break up, we tried to be friends. It was so hard to be just his friend but I agreed to it because i still want him in my life. He was my bestfriend. However, i was hurting too much. It was the feeling of he's so close yet so far. So a few weeks ago, I talked to him and told him that I'm gonna be out of his life for a bit. I told him i need to put my life back together again. Of course he understood. I know that wen Im ready to be his friend, he would still be there. However, I am scared- scared that when im ready to be his friend, things cant go back to the way we used to be- super close.

I was a mess the last time we talked, and I promised myself that I would never show him that person anymore, because thats not me at all. I havent been normal since the break up because i am just so crushed by all this. I miss him so much but I am going to keep my word for once and not contact him. I dont wait for his texts or anything like that the way I used to anymore. But i know that a part of me wants him to contact me. I know "no contact" shouldnt be used as a way to get someone back or to make someone miss me. I know that when i decided i need to be away from him for now is cause i was just hurting too much hearing what has been going on with his life. I told myself that when the time comes and Im ready to face him again, im gonna make sure that im back to the normal me only better and stronger. whenever i imagine the next time i see him and i feel so strong and independent, it motivates me even more. However, i know that a part of my motivation right now to better my life is for when the next time we meet again, he would see this new person, better than the girl he first fell in love with and maybe he'll fall in love with me again. I know its wrong to hope but I cant help it. I dont want to hope anymore because what if he doesnt come back?

I dont know what to do or how to think so I can get rid of this hope that I have in my heart.
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Old 29th June 2010, 5:13 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marigo View Post
However, i know that a part of my motivation right now to better my life is for when the next time we meet again, he would see this new person, better than the girl he first fell in love with and maybe he'll fall in love with me again.
In the case of my ex who left me for another girl almost 3 months ago - well, I think a bit part of why he left me is because I was TOO independant for him, and I really didn't need him. I think he wanted to be a 'provider'...but I just don't work like that. I provide for myself.

Anyway, I digress. You need to be a new person for YOU, and you only. Don't expect him to fall in love with the new you. You work on yourself and next time he sees you, let him know that he was NEVER good enough for you. Let him know what he lost!
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Old 29th June 2010, 5:27 AM   #3
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Marigo,

You can't stop hoping but you can go on living. This is what you have to focus on. Living. Hope will take care of itself if you do.
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Old 29th June 2010, 5:29 AM   #4
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Hope is a killer. Read the following it will help you move on:

The No Contact Guide
So you want a second chance?

As long as your doing, you have less time to be hopeing.


.
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Old 30th June 2010, 9:42 AM   #5
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I am kind of having similar thoughts but - I feel pretty certain my ex doesn't want me. Otherwise why would it have ended? I feel like I did my best... so.....

I know I can't stop hoping completely until all the hope has gone and it will take a few more crappy interactions with him probably before I'm completely out of the woods! Once I've been hurt enough by him (I'm not far off) - then I wont be hoping at all - only hoping that that nice guy who is fairly handsome who I pass from time to time I might end up talking to one day. After all I was totally faithful and committed to my ex, one million percent, now I can say hi to this guy, and be open to the fact I find him attractive!Hey why not?! FORWARD!

Anyway - I imagine what will happen is that whilst you flutter between feeling strong and hopeful - in the process of improving yourself this will begin to lead you off into a different set of opportunites (who you meet, what you do) that will become bigger and more exciting than ....well...him! I would say ok, acknowledge that hopeful feeling, but see it for what it is - which in my mind to me is a hot and frightening and potentially dangerous feeling, its certainly not comfortable! - but as long as you are not basing all your motivation on him - which it sounds like you're not - and there is something in it genuinely for you than I think you will do ok. So just keep going girl!

I also think that not only am I improving myself for me, but for others, for the next guy I meet so he can have the absolute best of independant, strong, sexy me... because I'm not convinced my ex brought out the best that I could be in me.

I even go as far as improving myself so when the time comes, I will be a good mum.. ok, maybe a while away but they're much more worth working for and it all starts with me (you) so watch us go!!!!

Last edited by wendigo; 30th June 2010 at 9:44 AM..
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Old 30th June 2010, 9:46 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marlena View Post
Marigo,

You can't stop hoping but you can go on living. This is what you have to focus on. Living. Hope will take care of itself if you do.
What I mean by whatI said really..... a lovely succinct way of putting it.
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Old 3rd July 2010, 11:30 AM   #7
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Marigo - When I my ex broke up with me, I did hope (very very much, every single day) that we would get back together, no matter how long it took. Yes, back then, I did entertain hopes for a reconciliation in the very near future (e.g., the next weekend). But I soon learned that "wishing only wounds the heart." (Wicked). But because I could not imagine a future wherein we were not together, I turned to hoping for a reconciliation in the distant future.

This was almost 4 years ago (yes, I grieved for him that long, that's how bad it was). Now, I no longer hope (ok, maybe just a little ). I think, the act of hoping helped to keep me sane, while I coped with the breakup.

As the years went by, I noticed it hurt less and less, and I also hoped less and less. In the meantime, life moved on, I lived my other dreams, and had interesting experiences that crowded out my memories of him. Don't let thoughts of him fill your mind - give the ole brain something else to do. In time, the pain will diminish, and it won't be necessary to hope anymore. When you're ready, fall in love - with someone else. Nothing kills an old love more than a new one .
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Old 3rd July 2010, 11:53 AM   #8
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Hope is a killer.

Agree with everything said and, you are right Wendigo. Marlena put it so well succinctly

Marigo, Hope has a life of it's own and the only thing to do sometimes it keep it in check because it will not just go away.

I found that if I treat Heart and Head as two different and separate forces, I could cope better. My Head always knew the score and was always pulling Heart away form the scene of the wreck. It was a constant negotiation. But my Head was always there facing facts. Knew the score.

Different things work for different people. I hope you feel better about it soon. (((hugs)))

Last edited by Brightmoon; 3rd July 2010 at 12:42 PM..
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Old 4th July 2010, 1:58 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveTruthChaos View Post
In the case of my ex who left me for another girl almost 3 months ago - well, I think a bit part of why he left me is because I was TOO independant for him, and I really didn't need him. I think he wanted to be a 'provider'...but I just don't work like that. I provide for myself.

Anyway, I digress. You need to be a new person for YOU, and you only. Don't expect him to fall in love with the new you. You work on yourself and next time he sees you, let him know that he was NEVER good enough for you. Let him know what he lost!
LoveTruthChaos,

Thanks for the advice! I know i really need to be a new person for me and not in the hopes of the new me will make him fall for me again. I just dont know how to do it. Maybe i am doing a lot of things for me and since he's always in my mind, i keep thinking that im doing it for him. I dont know how to start though. For instance, i am really insecure and i tend to overreact to things. I want to fix that about myself, but i dont know how.

Quote:
Originally Posted by marlena View Post
Marigo,

You can't stop hoping but you can go on living. This is what you have to focus on. Living. Hope will take care of itself if you do.
Marlena,

I really like how you put it. Going on with my life doing the things i love to do or have been wanting to do will keep me going and one day i'll realize that i dont need or even want him in my life. The hope will fade on its own.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GrayClouds View Post
Hope is a killer. Read the following it will help you move on:

The No Contact Guide
So you want a second chance?

As long as your doing, you have less time to be hopeing.


.
GrayClouds,

Thanks for the links. I read them. I am sticking with NC because i dont want to get hurt anymore. Whenever i think of the next time i see him which is probably the beg of the school year since we both work at the same place on campus, it scares me. Im scared that i wont be ready then but i want to be. I want to finally be okay and happy the next time i see him. I dont want to see him and get hurt all over again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wendigo View Post
I am kind of having similar thoughts but - I feel pretty certain my ex doesn't want me. Otherwise why would it have ended? I feel like I did my best... so.....

I know I can't stop hoping completely until all the hope has gone and it will take a few more crappy interactions with him probably before I'm completely out of the woods! Once I've been hurt enough by him (I'm not far off) - then I wont be hoping at all - only hoping that that nice guy who is fairly handsome who I pass from time to time I might end up talking to one day. After all I was totally faithful and committed to my ex, one million percent, now I can say hi to this guy, and be open to the fact I find him attractive!Hey why not?! FORWARD!

Anyway - I imagine what will happen is that whilst you flutter between feeling strong and hopeful - in the process of improving yourself this will begin to lead you off into a different set of opportunites (who you meet, what you do) that will become bigger and more exciting than ....well...him! I would say ok, acknowledge that hopeful feeling, but see it for what it is - which in my mind to me is a hot and frightening and potentially dangerous feeling, its certainly not comfortable! - but as long as you are not basing all your motivation on him - which it sounds like you're not - and there is something in it genuinely for you than I think you will do ok. So just keep going girl!

I also think that not only am I improving myself for me, but for others, for the next guy I meet so he can have the absolute best of independant, strong, sexy me... because I'm not convinced my ex brought out the best that I could be in me.

I even go as far as improving myself so when the time comes, I will be a good mum.. ok, maybe a while away but they're much more worth working for and it all starts with me (you) so watch us go!!!!
Wendigo,

I was hurt enough by him or more of the situation that's why i decided to stop contacting him or seeing him. What i dont have is your motivation to move forward. And eyeing that guy you were talking about is a very good distraction. I do have an eyecandy at the university i go to, however, i dont think i'll ever talk to him. And you're right. I really have to keep going. I should do the things i want to do and one day i'll notice the hope is gone or i wont care as much anymore. And maybe i'll realize that i really do deserve better.

I really like how you put it when you say that improve myself for other people as well esp for when the right guy comes, he can have the absolute best of me. Sooo true!

Quote:
Originally Posted by jquest1280 View Post
Marigo - When I my ex broke up with me, I did hope (very very much, every single day) that we would get back together, no matter how long it took. Yes, back then, I did entertain hopes for a reconciliation in the very near future (e.g., the next weekend). But I soon learned that "wishing only wounds the heart." (Wicked). But because I could not imagine a future wherein we were not together, I turned to hoping for a reconciliation in the distant future.

This was almost 4 years ago (yes, I grieved for him that long, that's how bad it was). Now, I no longer hope (ok, maybe just a little ). I think, the act of hoping helped to keep me sane, while I coped with the breakup.

As the years went by, I noticed it hurt less and less, and I also hoped less and less. In the meantime, life moved on, I lived my other dreams, and had interesting experiences that crowded out my memories of him. Don't let thoughts of him fill your mind - give the ole brain something else to do. In time, the pain will diminish, and it won't be necessary to hope anymore. When you're ready, fall in love - with someone else. Nothing kills an old love more than a new one .
jquest1280,

Maybe just like love, how it doesnt just go away. Maybe it'll slowly fade over time but it doesnt completely go away. Maybe hope is that way too. It doesnt completely go away but it does fade. I guess its the feeling of if he comes back, good, if he doesnt, thats okay too coz ive moved on. Thats the point where i want to be. Where i will be okay without him but if he does come back that maybe i still have some feelings left for him that can be reckindled. If you know what I mean. It must be tough what you had to go through to get to the point where you are now. Even if you say you're still hoping a little, im sure its not what controls your life anymore. I cannot wait to get to that stage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brightmoon View Post
Hope is a killer.

Agree with everything said and, you are right Wendigo. Marlena put it so well succinctly

Marigo, Hope has a life of it's own and the only thing to do sometimes it keep it in check because it will not just go away.

I found that if I treat Heart and Head as two different and separate forces, I could cope better. My Head always knew the score and was always pulling Heart away form the scene of the wreck. It was a constant negotiation. But my Head was always there facing facts. Knew the score.

Different things work for different people. I hope you feel better about it soon. (((hugs)))
Brightmoon,

I completely agree with the heart and head as separate forces. Although it is rather frustrating when these two things conflict each other. And its even worse when i end up following my heart when i should be following my head because my head always know the score. I also hope that i feel better about this. It is very tiring to be sad and crying and depressed all the time.
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Old 4th July 2010, 10:36 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by marigo View Post
It is very tiring to be sad and crying and depressed all the time.
It is, but you will get there! I've gotten to a good stage where all of the above have almost gone. I'm at the 3 month point, so that's a rough timeline for you! And if it feels that the road ahead is hard - it's worth it. Hang in there and do what you love to do. That's what I did, and the rest followed!

I'm not over it all by any means, but the sadness and crying and depression have relatively stopped. Also, I have a very big goal to focus on which distracts me (I'm moving house - but relocating to a city 3 hours away, so it's a nice BIG distracting move!)

Good luck!
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