Any success stories?

[davisc123]

My girlfriend and I are having a 'break' of sorts. We have been seeing each other for 4 years and are in our mid twenties.

 

She cheated on me a couple of months back, I found out and finished with her. A couple of days later I decided to give us another go, she was desperate to have me back and ensured me it was a mistake that she loathed herself for and that it would never happen again. I forgave her, but ultimately I was miserable and couldnt put it out my mind. She was really torn up with guilt at how the whole thing was affecting me, I had definitely become a shadow of my former self.

 

Anyway, we eventually came to the decision we should break up for a while, mostly for my sake. I am now trying to pull myself together and get my own life back on track. The thing is we broke up on very good terms despite the fact it was heartbreaking in itself saying goodbye for the time being. We both still love each other and hope that in the future we can get back together as happier people.

 

Anybody been in a similar situation? Has anybody ever had a break that worked?

[GrayClouds]

The odds are against it. But the good news is if you do put the effort in pulling yourself together, improve yourself no matter what happen you will have a better life:

 

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

 

Good luck

[davisc123]

Thankyou GC

 

I really wish I had read those links a sooner. I say this because yesterday morning I sent her a message asking if she fancied meeting up for lunch in a couple of weeks time, whenever she was free. I stipulated that it wasn't getting back together necessarily but just to have a chat and see if the time apart had helped us clear our heads. Its been 2 weeks since we split so that would have been a month since we part.

 

Well the reply made me so annoyed at myself for reaching out. She was pleasant enough and didnt disagree with meeting up, but reading between the lines she doesnt want it very soon. And she talked about becoming more 'independant'. Yet she still is adamant that she wants us to get back together when the time is right. It was a nice brush off.

 

So thats the first and last time im getting in touch. The problem in my case is we work in the same building and therefore it's hard to avoid her all day every day. I love her still and just seeing her puts my progress back a bit every time. But I'm taking all the advice on board and am determined to get on with things on my own.

[KafkasLastWords]

Trying to spread a bit of positivity around here! I have 2 stories...

 

1) On Friday, I attended the wedding of a second chance success story. They'd been together since high school - were together for about 5 or 6 years when he broke up with her but that lasted only about a month. 2 years later he broke up with her again and said this time it was for good and they just weren't going to work out. After 4 months of NC, she called him in a moment of weakness to tell him she missed him and he told her to move on and get over him... that it was really over. After that she really accepted it and moved on and 3 months later (so 7 months of being broken up in total), guess who came out of the woodwork? He called her to say he missed her like crazy and no girl out there came close to comparing to her. They took it slow at first and she was reluctant but he proposed mere weeks later. That was about a year and a half ago and, while it took them time to heal the wounds and genuinely work through everything that had happened - they are now blissfully happy. At the wedding everyone agreed there was this overwhelming feeling of ah everything is exactly as it should be (when it comes to them).

 

2) This is about a friend of a friend. She and her boyfriend had been together for 5 years and he moved for work - NYC to Boston is only 2 hrs so the move wasn't that big a deal really. He broke it off with her and said it wasn't going to work out and they didn't speak at all. She moved on with her life, took care of herself, dated etc. About 6 months later, she was in NYC for business and let him know she was in town. They met up to hang out and had an incredible time together - just a lot of fun - and remembered everything they had. They got back together soon after and are now married with a baby on the way.

 

Noone should think that these stories are the norm and it isn't good to have unrealistic expectations. From what I've seen in stories of friends and friends of friends, it usually seems to work out when the relationship was long with a strong foundation/history in place. I should note that there was no severe damage done like cheating or abuse. I think that complicates things...

[Green]

It works when you move on and find some one else

[bluewolf17]

I was broken up with my boyfriend for about 9 months. We got back together around September and have been going strong. Looking at rings.

 

My advice is to be honest with yourself, and what you really want. Do you really want to be with this person again, or are you just afraid to deal with the pain of breaking up?

 

Honestly, cheating is one of those things that is so hard to forgive. Even when you really want to, it just creaps back up and ruins relationships. I hope the best for you.

[Ilovecake]

My girlfriend and I are having a 'break' of sorts. We have been seeing each other for 4 years and are in our mid twenties.

 

She cheated on me a couple of months back, I found out and finished with her. A couple of days later I decided to give us another go, she was desperate to have me back and ensured me it was a mistake that she loathed herself for and that it would never happen again. I forgave her, but ultimately I was miserable and couldnt put it out my mind. She was really torn up with guilt at how the whole thing was affecting me, I had definitely become a shadow of my former self.

 

Anyway, we eventually came to the decision we should break up for a while, mostly for my sake. I am now trying to pull myself together and get my own life back on track. The thing is we broke up on very good terms despite the fact it was heartbreaking in itself saying goodbye for the time being. We both still love each other and hope that in the future we can get back together as happier people.

 

Anybody been in a similar situation? Has anybody ever had a break that worked?

 

If you can 100% let go of the cheating there is a very small chance. When I say let go I mean never enters your mind, is buried in the past and has no impact on the relationship. Personally I could not do that. Being cheated on feels like the worst betrayal ever and I know from experience I never trusted that person again and felt anxious and suspicious all the time wondering if he's trying to cheat again. It drove me nuts. People who cheat and are forgiven for it are way more likely to do it again than those who had to pay high consequences such as losing their partner.

[GrayClouds]

Thankyou GC

 

I really wish I had read those links a sooner. I say this because yesterday morning I sent her a message asking if she fancied meeting up for lunch in a couple of weeks time, whenever she was free. I stipulated that it wasn't getting back together necessarily but just to have a chat and see if the time apart had helped us clear our heads. Its been 2 weeks since we split so that would have been a month since we part.

 

Well the reply made me so annoyed at myself for reaching out. She was pleasant enough and didnt disagree with meeting up, but reading between the lines she doesnt want it very soon. And she talked about becoming more 'independant'. Yet she still is adamant that she wants us to get back together when the time is right. It was a nice brush off.

 

So thats the first and last time im getting in touch. The problem in my case is we work in the same building and therefore it's hard to avoid her all day every day. I love her still and just seeing her puts my progress back a bit every time. But I'm taking all the advice on board and am determined to get on with things on my own.

 

Congratulations on your postive attitude. Your right it is time to put yourself first (do not let the "it can happen posts distract you" they are by far the exceptions).

 

As far as work, if you bump into her just make it short, polite and nothing personal on then move on a quick as possible. Show class and dignity, it is the best revenge.

 

Again, your attitude is great, do the things in those threads adn while the road will still be bumpy, you see she did you a favor and you will become better for it.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[lvixen]

Once a cheater always a cheater, in my not so humble opinion. I'm sure a small minority of cheaters do it only once and never again but for most its the MENTALITY of cheating that keeps them going. If they couldn't respect your relationship once what makes you think she will do it in the future? Besides trust is extremely hard to rebuild after its been betrayed. Move on, in my opinion. There are plenty of ladies who won't cheat on you.

[paperchase]

Second chances usually don't work because the reasons for the initial break up don't go away. I got a second chance that lasted almost a year. Now I'm getting dumped again and going thru the pain once more.

 

Our break up lasted about 3 months. She left her new boyfriend to come back. I was dating other women at the time but none of them were very important to me. After a period of NC she came back to me on bended knee, saying she wanted to marry me and have my children. Less than a year later I'm not what she wants.

 

Unless the people really change who they are and the new person they become does not share the same incompatibilities which drove them apart, I'd say second chances are short lived at best.

[davisc123]

Thanks for all the responses, they are appreciated. Its good to hear all the differing opinions and stories.

 

I just thought I would post a quick update. Soon after I stopped talking she got in touch and suggested a day we meet up, but iterated the fact that we shouldnt put any pressure on it and just do our own thing in the meantime. I pondered and then declined. I really wanted to but I knew if in the 'meantime' she started seeing someone else or if things turned sour then I would be back at stage one. I couldnt put myself through it again.

 

I told her we should leave things, that they would never work out. Tbh I'm not sure if that's true but I just thought its decision time and it would be easier just to let go completely and dowse any hope. She was obv hurt in her reply, more or less saying 'I hope your happy' but in a threatening rather than nice way.

 

We havent talked since. Its been extremely hard though. She's the first thing I think about in the morning and is constantly on my mind throughout the day. And I havent even been slightly attracted to anybody else, I'm definitely not ready to move on in that way. But in my moments of weakness (like today) it helps to come on here and read what other people have had to say. So thanks!

[paperchase]

You did good. Meeting under those circumstances would not have been good because she was setting all the parameters. I think she was just fishing to see where you were mentally because her threatening response to your decision not to meet is inconsistent with someone who really wants a second chance. If you do meet, you'll need her to put more cards on the table first. You'll need her to tell you she wants to make things work. Anything short of that and you'll leave the meeting empty and back at stage one.