BFs weird behavior

[MizzBella]

Relationship history:

-We've been together for around 6 months.

-First 4 months were wonderful and easy (he told me he loved me, brought up marriage, asked me what my ring size was - I didn't initiate ANY of these conversations

-Around month 5 my bf suddenly withdrew (calling less, texting less, seeing me less, etc). he said this was due to the fact I have 2 kids and that makes him nervous. I didn't freak out on him or complain - I just assumed with time, things might improve)

- I have 50/50 custody so I have plenty of time to see my bf and have my adult life

- I have lots of activities and hobbies outside of my relationship with my bf, and I am generally well-rounded, educated, self-sufficient, etc.

 

 

So now, about 6 months into our relationship, my boyfriend still calls me almost every day (but usually quite late, like 9pm or 10pm), but our phone calls are short (almost like it's a necessary evil for him). Our short conversations are usually entertaining and have nothing to do with our relationship, feelings or emotions.

 

He used to want to see me 2-3 times per week and told me he missed me when I wasn't around. When he came over, he would often stay very late. Now he doesn't ask me out much - maybe once a week - and when he comes over it is for 3-4 hours.

 

Occasionally he will be very emotionally involved and tell me he loves me, mention living together, or something similar, but most often he is just much more distant than he used to be. Sometimes it leaves me wondering if he is just waiting for me to dump him. Do men do this? I am totally confused about why he acts the way he does.

[Ilovecake]

Yes I think both men and women do this. Breaking up with someone is hard to do sometimes the cowards will do things to make us do the dirty deed. My ex was a complete jerk to me before we broke up because he wanted me to say the words so he wouldn’t have to. I told him if he wants to end it he has to say it and he did.

 

Have you talked to him about his changed behavior? I think before you assume the worst have a serious talk with him but if you feel it in your gut listen to that feeling, there is definitely something going on there. Don't fall for the “it's nothing” line. It's definitely something beyond just a slow down in the romance department. People don't just go from one extreme to another like that for no reason.

[MizzBella]

Thanks for your response ILoveCake (and I love cake too, by the way - especially chocolate cake)!

 

I talked with him about his behavior last month and he said it is due to stress regarding the fact I have 2 kids. He wishes I were in a different situation (i.e. with no children).

 

The weird thing (from my perspective anyway) is that he knew I had 2 kids from the start and seemed to enjoy that fact. He said he loves kids and wants 2-3 more of them.

 

He also asked me things like, "would you still date me if you didn't have kids?" In all honesty, I would. But most of my friends think I am out of his league because I am more educated than he is, I make more money than he does, and I am very attractive. But I don't feel that way - instead I feel like the inferior one in the relationship - that the tables have turned from him courting me to me courting him, and that just sucks.

[hoping2heal]

Relationship history:

-We've been together for around 6 months.

-First 4 months were wonderful and easy (he told me he loved me, brought up marriage, asked me what my ring size was - I didn't initiate ANY of these conversations

-Around month 5 my bf suddenly withdrew (calling less, texting less, seeing me less, etc). he said this was due to the fact I have 2 kids and that makes him nervous. I didn't freak out on him or complain - I just assumed with time, things might improve)

- I have 50/50 custody so I have plenty of time to see my bf and have my adult life

- I have lots of activities and hobbies outside of my relationship with my bf, and I am generally well-rounded, educated, self-sufficient, etc.

 

 

So now, about 6 months into our relationship, my boyfriend still calls me almost every day (but usually quite late, like 9pm or 10pm), but our phone calls are short (almost like it's a necessary evil for him). Our short conversations are usually entertaining and have nothing to do with our relationship, feelings or emotions.

 

He used to want to see me 2-3 times per week and told me he missed me when I wasn't around. When he came over, he would often stay very late. Now he doesn't ask me out much - maybe once a week - and when he comes over it is for 3-4 hours.

 

Occasionally he will be very emotionally involved and tell me he loves me, mention living together, or something similar, but most often he is just much more distant than he used to be. Sometimes it leaves me wondering if he is just waiting for me to dump him. Do men do this? I am totally confused about why he acts the way he does.

 

Nothing is worse than dating a flip-flop. If a man can decide he loves you, wants to marry you, and be committed in the first 4 months of dating? Wonderful- as long as he means it. I have married friends and the guy was sure after date 2 - this was who he wanted to marry. So, I think if that kind of connection can be established? Wonderful- I know it does exist. It isn't problematic unless it's coming from the mouth of a flake (I.E your boyfriend). If this man meant a word he had said about marriage and commitment believe me honey, 5 months into the relationship and 2 kids wouldn't of stopped him.

 

Maybe he is the type who THINKS he means what he says - but life happens, people aren't perfect and time DOES go on - and if that makes your interest in your relationship waine? Believe me - you weren't even 1/4 as committed as you thought you were.

 

People this like man or woman - women do it too - are just plain not dependable and they are not suitable for the long haul.

[Ilovecake]

Wow that's major issue and you have a lot to think about.

No matter what though, as I'm sure you know, your kids come first. My mother had a tendency to choose men over her children and it screwed us up big time.

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope you can get this worked out.

[MizzBella]

hoping2heal,

 

Thank you for your message - it was really helpful. I think he must be a flipflopper. I think the hard part for me is that I am not a flipflopper, and I mean what I say and think long and hard about it before I say it. It is painful to realize that all of the things he said could have just been due to initial infatuation or something similar. I know some guys compliment to get some sort of physical gratification- but in this case there isn't any (by his choice for religious reasons). So I am left feeling really confused.

 

ilovecake - thanks for your support. I would only choose to be with a man long-term if he were close to my children and the whole situation was good for them.

[DramaFree]

Reading your post sounds exactly like me....2 kids and successful and someone that needed to around the guy I was dating everyday. Heard the marriage stuff and my kids didnt marry, lets look at rings. Then 4 months later started withdrawing...I found my self chasing after him. I could never confirm anyone else but he went from calling everyday to maybe once a week with me doing all the other. He would always rein me back in because I couldnt believe how things suddenly changed. Well I should have went NC a year ago when he started pulling this stunt...I truely believe if someone cares and loves you they will make time and sacrafice for you. We went through several episodes of what I received were crumbs. I finally had enough when I asked if we were getting togather on the 1 night we always did and he said he was busy - busy cleaning?>>>>WTF. Next thing you know he broke up with me when i asked why isnt you dont have any time for me anymore. Basically felt like it was a cowards way to end it. I went 8 days NC slipped and texted him and he called me but found it really weird and decided NC is best and getting this man out of my system is best. Looking back he was withdrawing which made me think he was leaving me hanging until he secured another relationship. Always push and pull. I can say it feels so great to not be rejected when I ask him to do something and I am honestly getting used to not calling him. I think I was calling him more than he was me. I will say when I broke NC his response was - i've not heard from you I thought you really hated me and lots of small talk and would not let me hang up. So basically felt he was waiting for me to break down and call like I had so many other times. This might not be your case but if its causing you great pain and that feeling of rejection sometimes going seperate ways and NC helps so you get clear headed .....I am trying so hard not to backslide! Dont want crumbs want the whole loaf....good luck

 

p.s. he was always calling after 10 too.

[DramaFree]

Is this man by chance from another country than your own....mine was?

[MizzBella]

DramaFree - thank you for sharing your story with me. I am not chasing my bf when he doesn't contact me - I have read enough posts on here to know that is not a great way to win more affection from him. But, yes, it is painful to deal with his withdrawal. Like you, I want the whole loaf! I spend a lot of time wondering if men ever withdraw and then come back once they've thought about things and/or realized you're not chasing after them like a crazy person OR if the withdrawal is usually permanent (as a precurser to breaking up).

 

My bf is American (same as me), so it's not a cultural issue at all. I am pretty sure he isn't dating other women or actively looking for another woman (I know - never say never)...but I say this because he is mostly a homebody and has pretty deep religious moral convictions. He was single for about a year before we started dating too - so he's not the type who needs to be with someone at all times.

 

Thanks again for sharing your story - I hope you heal quickly.

[Fouts]

Most relationships tend to lose their spark around the 3-4 month mark Bella, this one appears to be no different. Follow your gut instinct and try not to get hurt too bad if it's not going to work.

[MizzBella]

Thanks Fouts - I totally agree, but since I am getting mixed messages on this relationship, I am totally confused. I am wondering if some guys go through a period of, "oh crap, I really like this woman, but committing means loosing my freedom, my current life, etc," and then eventually come out of it??? I think I have handled his distant behavior well (no freaking out, no emotional emails or texts, etc), but I have no idea if he is just thinking about things, is happy to see me just once a week, or is trying to get rid of me. When we're together, he is still very sweet and emotionally close.

 

I do want to bring up my concerns and my desire to see him more often, but since it is not my goal to push him away, I have no idea how to communicate my thoughts without sounding accusational. I mean, if he isn't thinking about getting rid of me and I say something like, "I noticed you've been really distant. Do you still want to be with me?" I'll sound like a complete idiot. Plus, that sounds really pathetic in any situation.

 

This week, I didn't hear from him for a couple of days (I emalied him once during this time and got no reply) and then yesterday he called after work to ask me to come over to his place. I had already made plans with some friends, so I told him I'd have to see him another day. In my past experiences, I would have thought this was a booty call, but we don't do that....so who knows. He sounded really disappointed that I wasn't going to hop in my car last minute to see him, but he did ask me to do something with him during the weekend.