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He dumped me druing HIS emotional crisis


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Old 7th March 2010, 9:26 PM   #1
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He dumped me druing HIS emotional crisis

hugs to all ..... any of you going through a heartache...

anyway, a week ago the man I thought would be my life partner ended our R in the midst of an emotional breakdown (his). We are both in are late 40's with most grown kids; each with our youngest being 17. We have a 2 hr. LDR as well ... though, as my life would allow he knew I was speaking about selling my home so we could be together...no request for marriage. HE KNEW this and went along with it.

Both he and I were married--then divorced; ended up in 6 yr R that both ended and then we met. So, both of us have baggage and issues.
Although, in being able to find such goodness and trustworthiness in him, much of stuff has melted away with him Of course, I still am not a free bird with some of my stuff, but it is rather minor in my eyes.... for him..... "would leave him uncomfortable with talking about some things" (mostly things relative to his X-GF who he lived with for a few years.

Him; I didn't realize his baggage until a few months into our R. He told me he was in love with me on our 2nd date--I believed him and we stayed in that place. But, some few months after that; I noticed that he just wasn't as responsive; appreciative, seemed to sort of forget me in some ways...
I couldn't put a finger on, but he seemed involved and in love but as if he could take it or leave it at times as well. ( LDR didn't help that much be we saw each other every weekend).

Well, over the 1.5 yrs. the issues re: his pathological X wife, horrible child support issues ( he overpaid and is still being screwed by her; way too long to explain... suffice to say; he is ANGRY and resentful and feels totally taken advantage of) He hates her, is fueled by his anger and there have been court hearings, child support hearings. blah blah blah... and the anger just builds. As well, his kids ugh... old enough to be mature and responsible, but suffice it to say...they aren't.... and totally take advantage of him....$, fix their cars,... who sells drugs, who mooches off him even tho she is 28 and doesn't even clean up at his place where she lives... I mean, I have 3 amazing kids who are repsectful, go to school, help out, work part time... and then I see them....

anyway, the distance began when he basically didn't acknowedge me for valentines... I realized that something wasn't right. I was heartbroken, wrote him a long letter and told him that I couldn't understand what was in the way, but it seemd that maybe his anger and bitterness, or that he just didn't trust me as a woman; someone who would cheat on him like the x GF; or make life miserable like the x-wife.... .

Asked him if if he really didn't love me, time to let go. HE said he loved me; wanted me and was sorry for his behaviour.
One week later he seemed to have a melt down... anger -weekend and just lost it...and then wrote me an email that he couldn't have a R anymore either.

He now tells me that he loves me, thinks we have a chance in the future, isn't totally able to say he wants me, but understand that his anger, resentment and all the crap he has gone through this past year has caused him to have a a broken down R with his kids. and that he understands that the anger is in the way of us... that it hasn't allowed him to be open and as loving with me as he can be. He isn't that type of man and has to get a handle on things.
The crazy thing is i have been his best F, supportive, loving, kind etc... he even states that I am the kind of woman and partner he wants ... and that I rise to a level that neither his Xs ever could come close to....
BUT he dumped me in the middle of this....

I am heartbroken, my future was in plans with this man... grow old and cute together was my line....

I don't understand why he dumped me in the middle of very difficult time in his life.

Does anyone have an objective view of what just happened here??

sigh,..... anyway, to everyone, I do know how hard it is to let go...
something that used to help me was to go for walks and I used to take a thought about my x .... and then think it out, and then let it go...literally, I would tell myself to send it out into the universe and let it go...
it used to help me alot to let go like that little by little

Hugs to all!
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Old 7th March 2010, 9:49 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by hummingbird View Post
:I don't understand why he dumped me in the middle of very difficult time in his life.

Does anyone have an objective view of what just happened here??

Hugs to all!
Hugs back. So the standard starting question here is: Is there another woman in his life? Are you 100% certain?

If so, then this makes no sense. When my ex was in her most difficult phase she turned to me for everything.

All I can think of is that your relationship is keeping him away from being close to his family in his mind. It may not be true but it is in his mind. My ex served penance for a year. She didnt like how she ended it with her exH so she made me suffer then pushed me away.

And FYI I am in my late 40's so I have some perspective of age.

Best of luck.
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Old 7th March 2010, 11:42 PM   #3
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hardship brings out the best and worst in us. he saw the worst in himself and thought that he would be saving you alot of trouble by leaving. thats the short version. no he did not consider what you thought because he didnt want you to struggle with him. he thought you deserved better, or felt he was falling short and not giving you what he thought you should have. ..at least thats my take on it
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Old 8th March 2010, 2:04 AM   #4
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Well I can relate a little as I am also older and have been getting a line recently from my boyfriend of over a year (especially after a big fight we had a few days ago) that a) my kids are too big an issue for him to deal with, and b) I would be better off without him anyway because he has too many problems right now.

He does have issues going on with employment (or rather lack thereof) and he has leaned on me so much during this past year, but I don't care. I still want him in my life.

I wish people wouldn't give up so easily. I went through a major heartbreak a couple of years ago and I feel like I can't take another broken relationship. I want to fight for this, but don't really know how.
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Old 8th March 2010, 9:13 AM   #5
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It sounds like he could be used to relationships where he is treated badly. He's going through his problems right now and by you being that "supportive, strong partner" you're actually making him feel weak. He should be happy that he has you to support him but he's in his own world right now. There's also a possbility as someone said above that there could be another woman.

Look, if he wants to be alone right now, let him be. I know it sucks and you want to help him but he needs to understand that it's ALL or NOTHING. So go NC for a while (read my signature) and take some time for yourself as well to figure out YOUR needs. Good luck.
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Old 8th March 2010, 2:44 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by jerrytodd View Post
Hugs back. So the standard starting question here is: Is there another woman in his life? Are you 100% certain?

If so, then this makes no sense. When my ex was in her most difficult phase she turned to me for everything.

All I can think of is that your relationship is keeping him away from being close to his family in his mind. It may not be true but it is in his mind. My ex served penance for a year. She didnt like how she ended it with her exH so she made me suffer then pushed me away.

And FYI I am in my late 40's so I have some perspective of age.

Best of luck.
Thanks JerryTodd
no it doesn't make sense to me...
and I KNOW FOR %150 that there is no other woman... he one neither has the conscious ablilty or morality to do that and hurt someone that way as he knows how that feels from his XGF but he is a self sufficient self employed man who works all the time and has no time.

what happened with your ex? He actually is miserable to have known he married the x and has a "i don't care" about the xGF.
hugs
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Old 8th March 2010, 2:45 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by monkeymaid View Post
hardship brings out the best and worst in us. he saw the worst in himself and thought that he would be saving you alot of trouble by leaving. thats the short version. no he did not consider what you thought because he didnt want you to struggle with him. he thought you deserved better, or felt he was falling short and not giving you what he thought you should have. ..at least thats my take on it
Are people really that unselfish, especially when they are getting loving support from someone who truly cares about them?????

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Old 8th March 2010, 2:49 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Eyeofthoth View Post
Well I can relate a little as I am also older and have been getting a line recently from my boyfriend of over a year (especially after a big fight we had a few days ago) that a) my kids are too big an issue for him to deal with, and b) I would be better off without him anyway because he has too many problems right now.

He does have issues going on with employment (or rather lack thereof) and he has leaned on me so much during this past year, but I don't care. I still want him in my life.

I wish people wouldn't give up so easily. I went through a major heartbreak a couple of years ago and I feel like I can't take another broken relationship. I want to fight for this, but don't really know how.
sheesh do I hear you on the can't take another heartbreak.....
it wears one down and leaves me wondering why and what is wrong with me.????
people do give up easily and as I wrote to him; all people will bring issues and baggage into R, but it is easier to just ride the surface. One day , that romantic ride will get rough and then those who stick it our are the ones who can endure each others pain and create a truly intimate R,.... that leads to the rewards and joys of that.

We can all ride the surface but it never gets very far or precious does it.
I think people don't realize that when it is easier to run away and bail, it will only get harder with the next R and the cycle will just continue.

hugs
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Old 8th March 2010, 2:58 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by DustySaltus View Post
It sounds like he could be used to relationships where he is treated badly. He's going through his problems right now and by you being that "supportive, strong partner" you're actually making him feel weak. He should be happy that he has you to support him but he's in his own world right now. There's also a possbility as someone said above that there could be another woman.

Look, if he wants to be alone right now, let him be. I know it sucks and you want to help him but he needs to understand that it's ALL or NOTHING. So go NC for a while (read my signature) and take some time for yourself as well to figure out YOUR needs. Good luck.
hey DustyS;
THANK YOU
NO WOMAN. but yes, he does want to be left alone and at the same time still doesn't "want to lose contact with me" .... he doesnt have too many good reliable friends, he really doesn't have any family around that he has a great R with and so, the one person who has been his support has been me. before me, he went 2 years on dating but nothing serious or significant...... no one suited him..
but when I came along he said he been wishing and waiting for someone like me.... and was finally ready for a R. He does ok on his own....can be happy immersed in his work and saving his kids ......
but it did seem he was ready and enjoyed finally having an adult loving R.

I have gone NC.... it does suck terribly but I understand .... it feels like a game and yet, I know it will best for ME.
The thing I wonder about is, does he even realize that the possibilty exists that he may wish to have a second chance try, but that I might no longer want it.
or--- I think I have done too good a job of letting him know I am here for him through this and still love him and want him....

that is now over.... if he doesn't want me; he doesn't get my support of any kind
ALL or Nothing.

so sad to think you know where your life is going in the future... at 48 that is important....and then--your dreams just shattered.

I called to go for a little counseling and maybe start an antidepressant...
this is just a killer. and takes my ability to get going in the morning right out from under me.
thank you
I will read your thread.
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Old 9th March 2010, 8:19 PM   #10
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:lwhat happened with your ex? He actually is miserable to have known he married the x and has a "i don't care" about the xGF.hugs
She entered into an affair with me and the way she always does, did it impetuously then after two years and a confrontation with him about her serial non-monogamy she got upset and eventually ended our relationship after pushing me away for a year. He is a great guy/bad/great/bad/idiot/great. OMG it was frustrating.
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