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Why does my ex still contact me?


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Old 31st January 2010, 8:50 PM   #1
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Why does my ex still contact me?

I haven't posted on here for a while, but I'm going through a rough patch and could use some opinions.
The last time I posted, I was going through a really difficult time in my break-up. My ex and I broke up (he broke up with me), but we were working together and it was sheer hell. Thankfully, he's moved on now and I no longer see him regularly.
However, he still contacts me. It's usually about once a month or so. Sometimes he starts with some news (he got a new car) or he just says hi. The past few times, he's made some suggestions that we should get together to "catch up". Actually, what he initially said was "Am I going to have to take you out sometime?" - I sidestepped that one by saying we could catch up over lunch sometime. The only thing is that he keeps bringing it up, but hasn't actually tried to set up plans. I'll be damned if I'm gonna ask him.
The last time I talked to him, I sent him a text to wish him happy birthday. He wrote back saying that he was thinking of the time that I took him out for a steak on his birthday and the dress that I wore. It made me feel sad.
I guess what I am asking is why does he do this stuff? Why not just leave me alone? I don't know if I am strong enough to tell him to go away forever or to ignore him. Does this happen to anyone else? Any advice on how to deal? Thanks for reading this far.
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Old 31st January 2010, 9:10 PM   #2
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Read my Threads Nol,
It sounds like he is uncertain of what he wants, or having you around, just incase things don't go good for him (sorry), and also he is not letting you heal, and its unfair to you.

Ask yourself, do you want him back if he were to come back? if you don't, go NC to LC as you need time to heal, like many on here, I been through it and stillgoing through it, 4 times after being dumped by the same person..

Best of Luck

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Old 31st January 2010, 9:15 PM   #3
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Thanks for that reply. I come here because I know that there are so many people going through the same things.
I do still love him, but I don't want to be just hanging around. The only way I would consider giving him any type of second chance would be if he actually stated "I want you back" and told me how things would be different.
It's so hard to truly go NC all the way. I do pretty well not contacting him (birthday text excluded) but I always give in and reply when he texts me. I did stand up to him when he was trying to be all flirty with me though - I told him I wasn't his booty call and he hasn't tried that since. That did feel really good. How do you do it?
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Old 31st January 2010, 9:19 PM   #4
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[QUOTE=nolanola;2631835]Thanks for that reply. I come here because I know that there are so many people going through the same things.
I do still love him, but I don't want to be just hanging around. The only way I would consider giving him any type of second chance would be if he actually stated "I want you back" and told me how things would be different.

Becareful of that as well Nol....once again, all ppl aren't the same, but I got sucked in 4 times, not saying you will, just use caution..

Good Luck

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Old 31st January 2010, 9:20 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nolanola View Post
.
I guess what I am asking is why does he do this stuff? Why not just leave me alone? I don't know if I am strong enough to tell him to go away forever or to ignore him. Does this happen to anyone else? Any advice on how to deal? Thanks for reading this far.

Yes it's happening to me right now. The only difference between you and me is that I NEVER respond to her texts ,calls etc. I refuse to be played. And I think that's what he's doing to you. Playing with your feelings/emotions. Dont let him do that to you. Have no more contact w/him. starting right now
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Old 31st January 2010, 10:35 PM   #6
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Thanks for your inputs. He is playing with me in some ways. I can't believe that he means to hurt me intentionally, but it really does keep me feeling stuck. It seems like every time I start to move on he pops up again. It's almost like he can read my mind or something!
With Valentine's coming up, I'm a bit anxious wondering if I'll hear from him. Last year, he sent me some dumb text that might have well said "Hi, it's me, your ex-boyfriend. I'm not on a date and am wondering if you are. Don't forget about me!". So now I'm anxious that I'll get something similar this year.
The weird thing is that I almost, in a way, wish he would stop contacting me so that I wouldn't have to worry about responding or not responding. But on the other hand, I feel a bit anxious when I think of him leaving my life forever. Ugh.
At any rate, I do appreciate your input and advice. It helps to just get it out.
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Old 31st January 2010, 10:45 PM   #7
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the only way you will move on and be open to dating other men is if you stop the contact.

he contacts on purpose - it's HIS ego feed... at the least to be sure you are forced to think about him and a response that gives him things to work from.

it may be simply to see if you will eventually cave and become his booty call... it may also be to check up on you by seeing how long it takes to respond = you're busier than you used to be = she may be dating someone now.

either way - the contact keeps you on his back burner and no one likes to think of themselves as second best. remove yourself as his second option - quit the contact and show him you respect yourself more than that.

are you still working together? if so - tell him straight up - if contact isn't business related only - do not contact.
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Old 31st January 2010, 10:56 PM   #8
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the only way you will move on and be open to dating other men is if you stop the contact.

he contacts on purpose - it's HIS ego feed... at the least to be sure you are forced to think about him and a response that gives him things to work from.

it may be simply to see if you will eventually cave and become his booty call... it may also be to check up on you by seeing how long it takes to respond = you're busier than you used to be = she may be dating someone now.

either way - the contact keeps you on his back burner and no one likes to think of themselves as second best. remove yourself as his second option - quit the contact and show him you respect yourself more than that.

are you still working together? if so - tell him straight up - if contact isn't business related only - do not contact.
I went through this same thing with my last ex. She would do this to me for over a year, however, I knew the game and just humored her. Little did she know that I had already met someone and I never told her. When we finally met up she tried to kiss me and I pulled away. Totally shattered her ego and I never heard from her again.
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Old 1st February 2010, 5:44 AM   #9
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I WISH they wouldn't do this! Mine seems to want to contact me and talk to me all the damn time, but never about anything serious. He says he does want to talk properly about things once he's sorted out some bad stuff he's going through, and that he knows it's not fair to keep contacting me but he just misses me so much. But not enough to be here, clearly! I put my foot down and told him not to contact me at all until he was ready for that conversation... so now he's stopped, but he's STILL lurking around and making sure I don't forget about him. Argh!
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Old 1st February 2010, 9:14 PM   #10
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hi nolanola - i feel for you - my ex at work does the same thing, except its a her. and she will contact or text me here and there for small talk and tells me "its all good" and we are friends - and the conversation is never about anything serious - its just junk spewing from her mouth that i dont really want to hear anyway. it creates waves or turmoil in me still. but not as bad anymore. and at the same time, like you, its not possible for me to tell her to go away forever or ignore her. it just makes me feel sad now.

i think trying to stay focused on yourself, keep positive as you can when you can, and keep yourself looking good, helps. i dont talk about it to anyone at work, or hang out with the people she associates with. 99% of the time she is the one initiating. those are a couple things that seem to work pretty good for me.

good luck - it can be a real B**** to deal with.
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Old 1st February 2010, 9:45 PM   #11
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nolanola - LiL hit it on the head when he/she said that this contact is not letting you heal and that is the main problem. He may very well not be doing it intentionally, and he may very well be confused but, as you said, until he comes back with a plan... why should he contact you periodically and in a vague manner? I'd suggest NC altogether as it will allow you to get over this. Fight the urge to respond if possible. Take care....
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Old 1st February 2010, 10:15 PM   #12
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Thank you everyone for your advice. Thank God we don't work together on a daily basis (I still see him very rarely) - that was real torture and daily tears. I'm on day 24 of NC. Everyday I write down the new total. It helps to see it adding up.
I agree that I don't think that I'll be able to move on to someone else until I really let go of him. I have always hoped that at some point we could be back in each other's lives in a meaningful way but maybe that's not realistic. I don't think I'm quite strong enough to have him back in my life - somehow things always wind up being about him and not about me.
Anyway, I'm rambling now, but what I really wanted to say was thank you for listening. It helps a lot.
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