The messy messy stuff - how to clean it all up and move on?

[Zanaar]

Hey all, I figured I needed to find a place to get some strings-free advice, so I stumbled upon this board. Hope you can help a fella out

 

I'm no pro with breaking up, I'll be honest. The situation as it stands is as follows:

 

- Dating a girl for 3 or so years now...I don't even remember, it's all one big blur these days...

- Have wanted to break up for at least a year and a half, if not more.

- She started out nice enough, but sooner or later she got clingy, obsessive, insecure, jealous, bad-tempered, you name it.

- I forgave and forgot the first few times, but then it became clear that this was just who she was right now, and that no matter how hard I tried to help her by talking it out with her she would always pretend to be okay and then find a new reason to get depressed over something and take it out on me.

- When I first tried to break up with her last year, she went into a sobbing tantrum and locked herself in her bathroom. A few minutes later I persuade her to open up and find her hesitating over cutting herself.

- I now know that she has begun cutting again (apparently she used to do it a while ago but was "over it").

- Me being a softie told her it was okay and I'd give her another chance.

- By doing that, of course, I'd inadvertently put her under pressure to "get better"...and so she doesn't get better at all, just temporarily seems happy only to be insecure/emotional again over trivial matters (e.g. me talking to a girl buddy and looking like I'm having fun...)

 

This has been going on for ages now, and I've become so frustrated and tired of it as I imagine a lot of people here can understand. Admittedly she has gotten better in some areas, like she doesn't grill me as much over talking to other girls (which she would call 'flirting'...I didn't know laughing and spending time with my mates was considered flirting...). But the other day I found out that she still gets those feelings, she's just opted to hide them from me. I appreciate it, but I've come to realise that it just isn't enough. She's just not the one for me. To make matters worse however, I've done stupid things like give in to lust whenever we're in the same room alone, and all that jazz. This has happened many a time, even when I tell myself not to do it beforehand We've currently agreed to not do anything of the sort, just to focus on 'letting things get better'. I don't even want that anymore.

 

So now I'm trying to find a way to break up with her. It's just there never seems to be a 'good' time. She's currently struggling with possible depression and mild bi-polar symptoms, and she has all kinds of other health complications that she's been needing to get sorted out at the hospital all the time. Not to mention she still cuts and hurts herself.

 

How do you break up with a girl who's like that? Any advice will be appreciated, even similar experiences people might have had. I just want out of this vicious cycle, to get back to just enjoying life with friends and family.

[GrayClouds]

You may have to encourage her to find help first on a professional level. Does she have a good relationship with any family member? If so maybe they can help you get her help. This is some major stuff and unless she get helps it is going to be real difficult for you to execrate yourself from it.

 

I suggest you too may want to start talking to a professional. This is going to be difficult on you too to pull away. Good Luck.

[Silver_star]

You dont love her. You feel bad and you feel sorry for her, but you dont love her. Instead of offering your pity by doing her the grand favor of going out with her..just end it, for real. Because she knows in her heart how you feel (from your actions), and it is torment which is likely why she is acting out (its immature, but thats probably how people hadnle situations that they cant control)...so just end it, and dont go back on your word. If you care at all about her well being, leave her alone...even if she trries to seek you out. Give her more credit as a person. She'll survive. Those people that "cut" are going to "cut" eventually regardless if your in their life or not.

[Silver_star]

Tell her you dont have feelings for her anymore (you clearly dont). tell her its over, and that you need time away from her. This may be met by the usual crying, screaming pleasing , adn threatening...but just walk away. She'll get over it once she realizes there is someone out there that will want her more than you did. Its true.

[Zanaar]

Thanks people Silver_Star, the only problem I have with walking away is that I see her chasing after me (she's done it once before, admittedly a long time ago though). Makes a guy feel kind of trapped, especially since it's out in public and you find it hard to just say no repeatedly yet sternly.

 

GrayClouds, I think you're right, I need to focus on getting her help first. She is pretty close with her dad and step mum, but her dad's just gone through a heart operation so she probably won't want to tell him anything. And I think she's too embarrassed to tell her step mum, even though they really are pretty close. I don't know how I can get her to talk to her without going behing her back and telling her step mum myself...which I don't want to do, naturally.

[GrayClouds]

Thanks people Silver_Star, the only problem I have with walking away is that I see her chasing after me (she's done it once before, admittedly a long time ago though). Makes a guy feel kind of trapped, especially since it's out in public and you find it hard to just say no repeatedly yet sternly.

 

GrayClouds, I think you're right, I need to focus on getting her help first. She is pretty close with her dad and step mum, but her dad's just gone through a heart operation so she probably won't want to tell him anything. And I think she's too embarrassed to tell her step mum, even though they really are pretty close. I don't know how I can get her to talk to her without going behing her back and telling her step mum myself...which I don't want to do, naturally.

 

Go talk to her parents tell her that you are going to brake-up and your concern about her health and her behavior, that you have tried before and she has shown self-destructive behavior. If they want detail tell them to talk to her. It is her responsibility first to take care of herself and her parents second. It is no longer yours.

 

Then go to her and tell her you are break-up and suggest that she finds someone processional to help her with it. That you both need to heal and for that their need to be no contact. Change email, close all social sites your on and get new phone #.

 

If she does not respect the No Contact, document it and go to the authorities and get a restraining order.

 

It take courage but it is for her own good and yours. You can not do things because what MAY happen. But you can plan to make sure things do happen as well as possible.

 

The longer you put it off the longer it will be before she gets the help she needs.

[sunrae]

Zanaar,

Gray clouds just gave you some good advice... I would consider what he said.

[mickleb]

As someone who works with kids who self-harm seriously, I think you should try to get her some professional help set up and then leave.

 

She will take the break-up badly, no doubt. You don't want to hear she's done something because of it. So, for her sake and yours, find her a therapist and do everything in your power to get her to go to, at least, her first session. Do involve her family, as GC said, if you think they will be able to support her.

 

Then, you need to explain: I have to leave but I needed to know before I left that you had someone to help you deal with this. I cannot help you any longer. I'm sorry. But this person can. Please accept their help.

 

This way, she is left with the truth, a healthy option to take and knowing that you did care. You can leave knowing she is not 'alone'.

 

If she chooses not to accept that help, it is her choice. Sad as that is, you cannot help her anymore.

 

What I suggest here is not easy. But I think it could help to minimise the potential fall-out.

 

Keep us posted.

 

x

[Zanaar]

Thank you all, you've really helped me look at it from a new perspective. Based on the advice so far, I think I'll go with focusing on getting her help first...even if it isn't my responsibility. I just want to leave knowing that I did all that I could.

 

I'm still unsure about talking to her step mum, but if professional help doesn't do her any good then that will be my next action to take for sure. Better yet though, I might gently suggest that she talks to her step mum herself, without letting on that if she doesn't then I will. Fingers crossed she does...

 

I'll keep you posted

[GrayClouds]

It is going to be difficult to gently move on. She will not let go until your gone. It will be too painful for everyone if your half in and half out.

 

 

Re-read mickleb's post.

[Zanaar]

Sorry I wasn't clear, I meant that I would gently suggest to her to talk to her stepmum about her depression. I understand that the actual break up needs all my full determination behind it - after months of half ins and outs, there's only so long that it can continue.

[GrayClouds]

I suspect she has some really dark things to work through but she can only do it herself. I do wish the best for you and her. You too should think about setting up some really strong support network set up for yourself. Likely you too will have a good deal of emotions to work through after you walk away, specially if she does not get help.

 

Take care