Long time reader, first time poster, very confused over breakup reasons !

[leo74]

Hi guys as the title says i am a long time reader of this forum and it has helped me quite a lot reading about other peoples experiences over the last few months so this is my first post and i was looking to see if i can get some insight into how my ex may be thinking.

 

Ok so i will start the story, my gf broke up with me about 6 months ago over a very petty reason, we have a dog which i bought her and both times i ended up looking after and caring for the dog as she couldnt care about what happened to her, then i did the whole NC thing and she came back crying and pleading about 2 months later then we stayed together for another two months or so, i got very sick and ended up in hospital for a week, she cared for me well i was in hospital but once i got out and was still recovering she ended the relationship again after a small arguement we had because i didnt want to go out one night, her reason for ending it was " i cant deal with the emotional rollercoaster" so i rang her up a few days later pleaded with her to reconsider, she didnt so i ignored her again with NC.

 

Now since then it seems she cant go with out a week without sending me a sms message, they have been things like :

 

"i will get all my stuff from your house in january"

"my family loves you and i want you in my life forever.

"maybe we couldnt work as a couple but can work as friends.

"i will be coming to get all my stuff in early january. etc etc

 

then 3 weeks ago i get an sms saying :

 

"you will always be the love of my life"

 

then 2 weeks ago one saying

 

"can i see you and the dog before i go overseas" ( she is currently holidaying in barbados)

 

and then one a week ago one saying

 

"you didnt want me and agreed we could be friends"

 

i kept the NC in place and didnt reply to any of these messages, then i get an email christmas eve from her telling me she will be picking up her stuff in early january and she cannot believe the way i am handling things again and that i should show her respect that she has always shown me etc etc. ( just want to add she has never shown me any respect ).

 

Anyway finally after receving that email xmas eve it really upset me and spoiled my xmas , so i thought enough is enough and sent her a response finally saying : i dont think we should be friends as i have mest somebody else and it isnt fair on her.

 

I thought after receiving that she would get angry as she does and say thats it i never want to see you again etc and i can move on and start to heal as i am having such a hard time doing so.

 

the response i got from that was:

 

wow, you stayed friends with your last ex after you broke up with her, and you wont be friends with me all because of a new chick ? we had a past together, a dog, a history, lived together and she is just going to have to deal with it and live with it. im glad you are happy.

 

So now i am even more confused as i cannot work out what her angle is or wether she has an angle or wether its just a big game for her ?

 

Any insight or help would be greastly appreciated as i am heartbroken, have tryed the NC and done my best but still feeling like im going insane....

 

i am 35 years old, she is 33.

 

Thankyou

Edited December 28, 2009 by leo74
mistake

[TaraMaiden]

All her texts and responses - including the one about your 'new GF' and your ex- show one thing: She is completel selfish.

A good reply to that would have been, and still would be -

 

"Yeh, the difference is, I liked my last ex-.

I'm afraid much as I loved you, I don't like you any more.

I will leave all your stuff at *somebody mutually known*'s place, and you can pick it all up from there.

I'm done talking to you.

Please don't contact me any more.

I might get to like you better, then.

 

*name*."

 

Really, she's selfish and wants you to notice her, wants to still be prominent in your life, and wants your attention.

Deny her these and she will wither and fade, and you can get on with your life.

 

Do it.

Do it now.

And vow, for 2010, you will never be a patsy-pushover for any woman's selfish requirements....

[leo74]

Thanks for the reply TaraMaiden, i have read alot of your posts and found you give great advice !

 

i was thinking about sending something just like what you wrote but havent quite yet found the (kahunas) to do it ... lol ...

 

i am very close to her brother and know she isnt dating anyone, so yeah just cannot workout why she is almost in a sense trying to keep me hanging on a thread it seems.

[HeavenOrHell]

Are you actually seeing someone new, or did you say that to make your ex jealous?

[leo74]

No i am single and at the time i said it in the hope that she would get angry at me (because she is a very angry person) and come and get her things and it would be finished for good because its hurting me so much with the ups and downs.

 

but subconciously maybe i did try and make her jealous, im so confused im not sure.

 

So many different thoughts racing around in my head.

[xpaperxcutx]

I'd advice you to write that letter since you don't want to miss the chance to one up her.

 

I agree with TaraMaiden that she's is completely selfish. You shouldn't take it too hard on yourself for being upset that she broke things off, in fact, you should be happy you're no longer associated with her.

[leo74]

Thankyou for the replys, it seems i was going a little mad thinking it may be in my head but the one thing i seemed to always find myself thinking in my head when we together was its always all about her, the world revovles around her and she could never care about how i felt or what i said or wanted

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks for the reply TaraMaiden, i have read alot of your posts and found you give great advice !

 

i was thinking about sending something just like what you wrote but havent quite yet found the (kahunas) to do it ... lol ...

 

Oh, c'mon, man..you have a pair...you just need to be proud of them and let them breathe the fresh air a bit!!

Just copy what I gave you, and *ooops! I appear to have pressed 'send'!* You know you'll feel a lot better when you do.

Talk about upper hand!

But don't sit there for hours afterwards, waiting for a response - and delete her number from your 'phone, and delete any incoming without reading!!

 

Do it, ok - ?!?

 

i am very close to her brother and know she isnt dating anyone, so yeah just cannot workout why she is almost in a sense trying to keep me hanging on a thread it seems.

 

I told you why. It's to satisfy her own selfish egotistic nature, and to reassure herself that she is still of primary importance in your life.

To even suggest that your 'current GF' should get over it and suck it up, is just amazingly self-centred! It implies that, GF or no, your ex is still more important than your current squeeze... How more selfish can you get?

Really, isn't that all the clarification you need, for her motives?

[Len]

Hi Leo, I thought I would reply as I went through a similar thing with my ex. She also left me after I fell ill. She was great through the hospital stage but after that started complaining because I wasnt taking her out through the recovery stage. Accused me of neglecting her, taking her for granted and not respecting her, and so she left.

 

The dealing with the break up was the hardest part. She confused me so much I honestly thought I was losing my mind. Eventually I did what Taramaiden suggested, only not quite as politely. Once I cut the cord life became a lot easier.

 

What I later discovered was that whole thing was designed to keep both myself and her belongings in place and pets cared for while she set up a new life. Delaying tactics. Total selfishness and manipluation. She was dangling me on a string and throwing me the occasional tidbit to try and keep me sweet. She didnt want her belongings or pets until she had her new life set up.

 

I suspect that is what your girlfriend is doing and once she gets her belongings back her behavior may suddenly change as she will have no more use for you.

[leo74]

Thanks for the reply s and insight guys, i shot off an email just like that last night and i guess will see what the respones is

[leo74]

Hi Leo, I thought I would reply as I went through a similar thing with my ex. She also left me after I fell ill. She was great through the hospital stage but after that started complaining because I wasnt taking her out through the recovery stage. Accused me of neglecting her, taking her for granted and not respecting her, and so she left.

 

The dealing with the break up was the hardest part. She confused me so much I honestly thought I was losing my mind. Eventually I did what Taramaiden suggested, only not quite as politely. Once I cut the cord life became a lot easier.

 

What I later discovered was that whole thing was designed to keep both myself and her belongings in place and pets cared for while she set up a new life. Delaying tactics. Total selfishness and manipluation. She was dangling me on a string and throwing me the occasional tidbit to try and keep me sweet. She didnt want her belongings or pets until she had her new life set up.

 

I suspect that is what your girlfriend is doing and once she gets her belongings back her behavior may suddenly change as she will have no more use for you.

 

What ended up happening ? did she get her pets and belongings ? and if she did, did you hear from her again afterwards ?

[D-Lish]

All her texts and responses - including the one about your 'new GF' and your ex- show one thing: She is completel selfish.

A good reply to that would have been, and still would be -

 

"Yeh, the difference is, I liked my last ex-.

I'm afraid much as I loved you, I don't like you any more.

I will leave all your stuff at *somebody mutually known*'s place, and you can pick it all up from there.

I'm done talking to you.

Please don't contact me any more.

I might get to like you better, then.

 

*name*."

 

Really, she's selfish and wants you to notice her, wants to still be prominent in your life, and wants your attention.

Deny her these and she will wither and fade, and you can get on with your life.

 

Do it.

Do it now.

And vow, for 2010, you will never be a patsy-pushover for any woman's selfish requirements....

 

This is excellent advice.

Cut and paste that and send it to her.

[HLP234]

Yeh I should do the same thing..mine has also turned out selfish and always seems to make herself seem like the vicitim (probably because she's been hurt many times before, but not by me at all).

 

That response would most likely make her mad and just blow up on you but hey you don't have to respond after that at all. I literally can't be friends with someone I was best friends with for about 4 years and then she ends it for no reason because it just hurts.

 

But I think once you get over her you won't dislike her anymore..at least that's how I feel..and after you are over her and you feel are ready to be friends and she doesn't respond or care, than you know what you did was right and you should stick to it.

[leo74]

Yeh I should do the same thing..mine has also turned out selfish and always seems to make herself seem like the vicitim (probably because she's been hurt many times before, but not by me at all).

 

That response would most likely make her mad and just blow up on you but hey you don't have to respond after that at all. I literally can't be friends with someone I was best friends with for about 4 years and then she ends it for no reason because it just hurts.

 

But I think once you get over her you won't dislike her anymore..at least that's how I feel..and after you are over her and you feel are ready to be friends and she doesn't respond or care, than you know what you did was right and you should stick to it.

 

Yep she is always the victim, no matter how nice you are, the fact that you always walk away from arguements because you do not want to fight, how many gifts you give when she constantly makes you feel like you have done something wrong... i wish her no ill feelings watsoever and i feel the same, being friends is just not an option, it hurts to much !

[leo74]

I just remembered tonight about us going to a relationship counseller/psychologist around a year or so again and after 4 sessions and the ex storming out of one of the sessions the female counseller pulled me aside and said :

 

" i am not supposed to do do this but **** is very unwell and there is nothing you can do to help her and i am not sure if anyone can help her, there is nothing wrong with your actual r/s the problem is the problems she has "

 

I guess i should of listened then but i was so in love and thought things would get better with time, but then again im a glutton for punishment.

[TaraMaiden]

Any reply to the e-mail yet, my splendid little tiggy-poo?

[leo74]

no nothing as yet, but then again she is living it up in barbados ! she is back in four days so im pretty sure i will hear from her then. thankyou again for the help so far i actually feel a little better after sending that email. as soon as i get a reply i will post it.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, but don't respond until Management and Human Resources* have digested it and carefully considered the contents in order to indubitably establish the hidden or evident implications.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(*That would be us.....)

[Len]

What ended up happening ? did she get her pets and belongings ? and if she did, did you hear from her again afterwards ?

 

I packed up all her belongings and left them at her parents, they didn't want them, but tough, it wasn't my problem anymore. I kept the pets, she didn't want them and I didn't want to rehome them. No, I did not hear from her again.

 

You are on your own again now, you have to think of yourself, look after yourself and protect yourself. As soon as you do that life will get a lot better.

[leo74]

Any reply to the e-mail yet, my splendid little tiggy-poo?

 

Hi TaraMaiden, i have finally received a response but it wasnt anything like i was expecting

 

It goes as :

 

Hi Mr ****!

 

I just want you to know that I am so happy to hear that you have found someone!

 

You are a great person and so am I ( :-) ) but we do clash in alot of ways, which brings out the worst in eachother.

 

I am happy to hear that you met a girl that makes you happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You know, I met my perfect match in Barbados, but who knows what will come of that. He is awsome and unfortunatly a world away. I wish that you and your girl have alot of happiness and wonderful times.

 

It has made me realize though, that I am not bad and you are not bad, we love each other but are just not good as a couple.

 

My friendship is always here and my family continue to love you even though we have broken up.

 

I will call you over the weekend to get my things and also to sort out what I owe you.

 

There is nothing wrong or threatening to your girl about us being friends, but I understand.

 

I will call over the weekend, I just hope you answer.

:-)

 

 

 

I find it very strange that she is being so nice when usually she is a very angry, possesive and obsessive person, boy this has really thrown me, i cant work out wether she is being genuine or using some kind of reverse psychology...

Edited January 5, 2010 by leo74
mistake

[leo74]

And i will just add i havent replied !!!!!!!!

[LovelyDaze]

All her texts and responses - including the one about your 'new GF' and your ex- show one thing: She is completel selfish.

A good reply to that would have been, and still would be -

 

"Yeh, the difference is, I liked my last ex-.

I'm afraid much as I loved you, I don't like you any more.

I will leave all your stuff at *somebody mutually known*'s place, and you can pick it all up from there.

I'm done talking to you.

Please don't contact me any more.

I might get to like you better, then.

 

*name*."

 

 

Really, she's selfish and wants you to notice her, wants to still be prominent in your life, and wants your attention.

Deny her these and she will wither and fade, and you can get on with your life.

 

Do it.

Do it now.

And vow, for 2010, you will never be a patsy-pushover for any woman's selfish requirements....

 

I'm with D-Lish! Print this or something and boy, does this apply to ALL of us!

TaraMaiden...when will you stop being one of my favorite LS members?

[TaraMaiden]

Hi TaraMaiden, i have finally received a response but it wasnt anything like i was expecting

 

(. . .)

 

I find it very strange that she is being so nice when usually she is a very angry, possesive and obsessive person, boy this has really thrown me, i cant work out wether she is being genuine or using some kind of reverse psychology...

 

I think actually, you may have taken her by surprise, and shown a side of you she didn't expect, so now she's just trying to be nice to pacify you....

you still have her stuff....remember?

or maybe I'm just being a cynic.....

 

And i will just add i havent replied !!!!!!!!

 

If you advised her in your e-mail, that she could pick up her stuff from someone else's place (where you would leave it) then, this -

 

I will call you over the weekend to get my things and also to sort out what I owe you.

 

is still disrespecting your request to her to not contact you (if indeed, you did mention that, too....

Providing both conditions are the case, then you'd be entitled to reply:

 

"Pick up your stuff from *what'hiz/hername*.This is where it is now.

This is how much you owe me. Leave it with *what'shiz/her name*, in an envelope, when you pick up your stuff. Don't contact me again, unless it's absolutely essential or vital."

 

That's it.

nothing else. No, 'hi thanks for replying', no, 'as ever, leo74'...nothing.

Plain, simple, succinct and to the point.

Nothing else is necessary, anything else is superfluous.

 

 

TaraMaiden...when will you stop being one of my favorite LS members?

 

Ooooh...I dunno....watch me phukk it up at some point.

It's a gift.....

Edited January 5, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[leo74]

I think actually, you may have taken her by surprise, and shown a side of you she didn't expect, so now she's just trying to be nice to pacify you....

you still have her stuff....remember?

or maybe I'm just being a cynic.....

 

 

 

If you advised her in your e-mail, that she could pick up her stuff from someone else's place (where you would leave it) then, this -

 

 

 

is still disrespecting your request to her to not contact you (if indeed, you did mention that, too....

Providing both conditions are the case, then you'd be entitled to reply:

 

"Pick up your stuff from *what'hiz/hername*.This is where it is now.

This is how much you owe me. Leave it with *what'shiz/her name*, in an envelope, when you pick up your stuff. Don't contact me again, unless it's absolutely essential or vital."

 

That's it.

nothing else. No, 'hi thanks for replying', no, 'as ever, leo74'...nothing.

Plain, simple, succinct and to the point.

Nothing else is necessary, anything else is superfluous.

 

 

 

 

Ooooh...I dunno....watch me phukk it up at some point.

It's a gift.....

 

Thanks thats great advice !!!

 

What do youu think about the part whe she has written "i met my perfect match" i dont understand why she would even have to say that, i feel like she is trying to rub it in my face or make me jealous, or trying to get some kind of reaction...

 

after i was her pefect match only a few months ago ??

[TaraMaiden]

Well of course she is...!

It's her way of having a dig at you.

look:

(And I'm assuming the 'message' I suggested is pretty much what you sent) you've made it clear you actually hold her in contempt.

You don't like her, compared to your previous ex.

You don't want to talk to her, and you're refusing to be drawn into any friendly banter.

Well that's a bit of a bucket of cold water in her face.

So she's thinking:

"I'm going to sound pleasant and chatty, so that if he tells anyone else about this, my manner will come over as pleasant and conciliatory, while he will make himself sound like a jerk. but I'm going to include a dig which he may not pick up on immediately, and which, if I'm challenged on, I can easily get out of, by pointing out he too has moved on...which is good for him, isn't it? so people will wonder what his problem is...he's obviously resentful..."

 

So...don't rise to the bait, do not be tempted to respond, but understand that she's pathetic, and really, she's not thinking ahead, is she...?

 

Let me put it this way:

If I'd broken up with an ex-, i wouldn't be telling him things like this, in case I broke up with my new guy, and looked a right idiot in my ex's eyes for saying something as truly stupid as "I met my perfect match"....yeh, and there it went...up in flames.....