Any insight into my break up would be appreciated

[Tasha1675]

Just wondered if you could give me some advice on my break-up please? Any comments or ideas would be greatly appreciated!

 

So here it is -

 

My ex boyfriend and I broke up just over 2 months ago. He is 27 and I am 28. We started off having a long distance relationship where we saw each other every weekend - he was very keen and came back to see me every weekend (he was living in London, and i was living in Bournemouth which is his home-town as well). After about 8 months, I was tired of doing long distance so i found a job in London and we moved in together. It was great and a little hard as I was away from my friends and family, but i was happy with him so it was fine. A year into the relationship he was talking about marriage and about him wanting to find a career in which he'd be able to support me when we had children - all this was music to my ears!

 

After another 6 months, we moved into a tiny studio flat which had no room at all and his career ideas started changing. I was getting a little frustrated as he was starting a science course a few evenings a week and I was doing a job which i really hated, still had no friends in london and was missing all my friends and family at home in bournemouth. To top it all off, when i asked him if he still saw us having a future, he couldn't answer me. This upset me and I started to worry that we didn't want the same things any more.

 

Then one night, he broke down crying saying although he really loved me, he couldn't see us having a future together. He made lots of excuses and i actually reasoned with him that these reasons were silly as we were happy with each other and loved each other. We decided not to break up but he said that he didn't know what men did in this situation and when i asked what he meant, he said his dad had affairs! So then he said he looked at other women and was wanting to have sex with them even though he loved me. We let things settle for a couple of days, but then on his birthday of all days, i said i needed to know if he felt it was worth talking through these thoughts he was having and trying to work it out and he said no! He said he wasn't ready to settle down and he thought if we stayed together he would eventually cheat on me! So it was best it ended now whilst we were still happy! So we broke up, and when i said goodbye to him i told him i loved him and he said he loved me too. I really believe he did love me as well.

 

I moved out immediately and picked my things up while he was at work. He had thrown lots of my belongings in a cupboard including my pillow and the sheets we'd slept on and my hairdryer etc - it looked as if he felt i'd wronged him in some way which i really hadn't!

 

He hasn't spoken to me since and i miss him and love him so much! I really thought he was "the one". I feel as though i ruined it with my questions about the future and i was pretty unhappy living in london away from my friends and family. I relied on him for everything which i think put the pressure on us and that combined with his lack of direction didn't help. I just thought we'd get through anything if we loved each other but i guess he really just thought he'd cheat - his dad had lots of affairs which maybe affected him. I don't know! He also used to have nightmares about him cheating on me.

 

Any insight into what he might be thinking or what i need to do to move on would help a lot! I've had no real closure as he said he loved me.

 

Thanks, Tasha x

[carolinawanderer]

Based on what you've said, I find it very hard to believe you did anything wrong.

 

Bottom line - he was not ready to commit. You could have been the girl of his dreams, but unfortunately, as my friend has told me (I'm going through a bad breakup myself), relationships are often dependent on timing. He is obviously someone who could not commit to one woman at this stage of his life, and he also still seems to be "finding himself" from your talk about his career plans.

 

Although I know how much you miss him, my advice is to get on with your own life. This sounds to me like a pretty clear case of commitmentphobia, and later on in his life, when he is ready to settle down, he may just come back. If not, it wasn't meant to be. If someone is not ready to commit, NOTHING you do will make them ready.

[Tasha1675]

Yeah I think you are right. We didn't fight or anything, I just got gradually more worried, the more I realised he wasn't wanting the same things any more.

 

I guess I have to just be glad that we didn't hate each other and who knows what will happen in the future.

 

I think you are right about timing, he couldn't give me anything I wanted because he wasn't really sure what he wanted himself.

 

Thank you for your advice, I will keep going and I won't try to contact him - I have been doing so well

[Tasha1675]

So...I just found out that my ex has emailed my best friend to see how i am.

 

He said that he knows he has to leave me to get on with my life but he wanted to know if i am OK. Apparently he said if i had had anything like the terrible xmas and new year he had, he wanted to see how i am doing! Poor him (not!)

 

I have asked my friend to just tell him i am OK as far as she knows, i don't want him to know what i am up to.

 

After almost 12 weeks of NC, i feel like his conscience has caught up with him and he is trying to ease it.

 

Also if he has had such a crap time, doesn't that tell him something!?!

[ginyi1111]

Well the thing is since he was the one that broke up with you, he made that decision knowing fully well how bad it was going to be and STILL went ahead with it. This probably shows that he had prepared himself mentally and emotionally for the aftermath of the breakup.

 

Whether or not he would miss you enough to come back and commit to you, no one would ever know. All you can do is just to concentrate on your healing. Have you considered to move back to Bournemouth?

 

x

[Tasha1675]

Hello,

 

Yeah I know. I have moved back to Bournemouth and have started a new job, a new life really. Am seeing all of my friends and am applying to go back to university - something i had wanted to do for a long time. My life is slowly getting back on track without him. I still hope he may find his way back to me, although i know it is not likely.