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Can't shake the fear of being alone forever...


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I have no idea why, but I cannot shake the fear that after ending a 5 year relationship a few months ago, I'm going to end up alone forever.

 

I have absolutely no reasoning to back this up, but I have this irrational fear that I'm never going to find anyone else. Everything in my life indicates otherwise, but I still worry about being alone a lot.

 

Since my breakup, I have dated two guys briefly (neither relationship lasted more than 3 weeks), both significantly older than myself. One guy wanted to settle down ASAP and after the first few dates, I felt the spark start to fade, so I ended it.

 

The second guy - to put it bluntly - basically crushed me. It was the first time in my life I've ever been dumped, and it was really difficult for me. We had great chemistry and he was clearly very interested in me for awhile. However, after our third week of dating (seeing each other a few times a week, calling/texting pretty much every day), he disappeared. He clearly was going through some personal issues (he sent me a text saying he was going through a rough time & would fill me in the next time he saw me, which would "hopefully be soon"), and I never heard from him after that. I sent two texts checking on him & never heard back. I know something was up & it wasn't just a line, because a friend of mine works with him & said there was like a 2 week period where he just stopped coming into work.

 

I took the end of that second "relationship" pretty hard. I still think about him a lot and wonder what it would have been like if things were different, but they're not. I really liked him & fell pretty hard, pretty fast, and it seemed on his end like he was feeling the same way, until he went MIA.

 

Since that second guy, I've been really preoccupied with these thoughts of being alone forever. I can't seem to stop worrying about it, despite the fact that there's lots of evidence to the contrary. I'm very attractive (although I have issues with guys approaching me lately, I'm working on being more approachable) & in great shape. I'm well educated & I have a great career that I really enjoy. I have wonderful friends & hobbies that I'm passionate about. I'm also pretty young (21), so I don't even know why I'm wasting these precious single years being so worried about this. Maybe it's because all of my close friends have boyfriends at the moment? Maybe because I've never really had to deal with being single as an adult?

 

Any advice? Anyone else who feels like this or has the same fear? How do you cope with it?

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I'm also pretty young (21), so I don't even know why I'm wasting these precious single years being so worried about this. Maybe it's because all of my close friends have boyfriends at the moment?
i would say about 50% of your friends will be single very soon. 22-25 everyone gets dumped.

 

anyway i have the same fear now and im 24, attractive, fun, confident. yet the world makes us think to be happy we must be in a relationship. the white picket fence fantasy. i miss someone to care about me. and miss someone to hold. but i think it will be good to be single or taking it easy into my late 20's and i dont think you should be afraid of anything if youve already been on 2 dates.

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yet the world makes us think to be happy we must be in a relationship.

 

That's backwards thinking, you must be first be happy to be in a (happy) relationship.

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That's backwards thinking, you must be first be happy to be in a (happy) relationship.

 

That's the interesting part of it. For the most part, I feel like I'm doing the right thing for me by being single (one of the major reasons I ended my long-term relationship), and there's a lot of aspects of being single I really do enjoy. For the most part, I am happy with the direction of my life in the present moment. I'm learning a lot about myself and I think this single time is really going to pay off down the road.

 

However, I have this nagging fear that I'm going to wind up a single old maid. I have these vivid daydreams about always being the bridesmaid, never the bride, for a lot of my friends. It's a completely insane irrational fear, but I cannot let it go. :/

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It's not an insane irrational fear. It's part of the break up process. That fear happens to nearly everyone. It goes away eventually and then you find yourself with someone else! ;)

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However, I have this nagging fear that I'm going to wind up a single old maid. I have these vivid daydreams about always being the bridesmaid, never the bride, for a lot of my friends. It's a completely insane irrational fear, but I cannot let it go. :/

 

 

I know what you mean about having that fear of being alone, I spent the first 24 years of my life with that fear...and it has slowly crept back lately...but you know what I've come to realize...if you're only 21...you have SO much time left to live and learn...I'm sure at this moment time feels like it's passing by so slowly, as it has been for me since I broke up with my ex 3 and a half months ago...eventually time will move at a normal pace again when you're comfortable living with yourself...strangely enough, you'll get to the point where it'll feel as good as if you were dating someone...and that's when you'll know you're doing alright...

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...strangely enough, you'll get to the point where it'll feel as good as if you were dating someone...and that's when you'll know you're doing alright...

 

 

I love that feeling - you have all of the happiness you need and none of the stress of a relationship!

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It's not an insane irrational fear. It's part of the break up process. That fear happens to nearly everyone. It goes away eventually and then you find yourself with someone else! ;)

 

Thanks for the reassurance. :) I was starting to feel like a crazy person because I'm so concerned with this, and my friends all laughed me off when I tried to talk to them about it, which didn't really help.

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...eventually time will move at a normal pace again when you're comfortable living with yourself...strangely enough, you'll get to the point where it'll feel as good as if you were dating someone...and that's when you'll know you're doing alright...

 

I can't wait to get to this point. Even though I logically know it's not true, I can't help but feel as though something's "wrong" with me on some level if I'm not seeing someone.

 

I've heard of so many people speak of getting to a place where they are happy and comfortable being single. I am counting down the days till I get there myself.

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AliveAndKicking

In my experience that thought is VERY common when a relationship ends.

Please know that this feeling WILL pass as you heal and grow.

 

___________________________

 

Try not to entertain that thought and instead try to find the actual emotion underlying that thought.

 

For me it always boils down to fear:

 

Uncertainty (fear of the big scary unknown future).

 

Lack of self-confidence (fear of "failing" to be "good enough" for someone new).

 

Hopelessness ( fear of change- I was afraid to step out of my previous comfort-zone/afraid to let go of the familiar past and move toward the unknown future).

 

Self-pity (Fear of the inevitable effort and it's subsequent pain that true healing demands. Also fear of having to own my shortcomings- it is easy to play the victim. While indeed I sometimes WAS a victim I often overplayed it. It hurts to see my faults and I don't like pain!).

 

_________________

 

It's a normal feeling but don't feed it! Do the self-work needed to heal and move forward. That thought will make you chuckle a little further on down the road. You'll think back and feel silly for ever entertaining such nonsense.

 

There are millions of potentially GREAT partners out there for each of us.

 

It's a BIG world.

 

Really!

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Thanks, AliveAndKicking. That is some really great advice. :)

 

It's very reassuring to know that at some point, this feeling will go away.

 

For me, after reading your response, I think there's a lot of uncertainty and a lack of self-confidence playing into my fear. I know I have a lot of great things going for me & people tell me what a "catch" I am, but on some level, it's very hard for me to believe those good things about myself.

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Everyone has these feelings especially after a break up. You'll be fine and you won't end up alone. Just don't rush into to anything to early or fall to fast and hard before you have some good grounding in your relationship.

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For me, after reading your response, I think there's a lot of uncertainty and a lack of self-confidence playing into my fear. I know I have a lot of great things going for me & people tell me what a "catch" I am, but on some level, it's very hard for me to believe those good things about myself.

 

This is pretty much me in a nutshell as well...spent a long time thinking that I wasn't a catch and that no girl would be interested in me...even annoyed the hell out of my friends and my ex with that attitude...I think the thing that changed it for me was realizing that I didn't need other people to prove that to me...I think we are programmed to see ourselves based on how other people see us...so if we don't get positive feedback from others (e.g. people interested in dating us), we tend to devalue ourselves...

 

Instead, create a list in your head of all your great qualities...personality, looks, career, whatever...just like a resume...and if you look at it objectively, you'll realize, dang, you're a pretty amazing person...no matter what you think other people see you as...and when you can honestly see yourself objectively as a catch, then you'll start feeling and acting like a catch, and you'll get positive feedback from others that you're a catch...and the cycle continues...

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This is pretty much me in a nutshell as well...spent a long time thinking that I wasn't a catch and that no girl would be interested in me...even annoyed the hell out of my friends and my ex with that attitude...I think the thing that changed it for me was realizing that I didn't need other people to prove that to me...I think we are programmed to see ourselves based on how other people see us...so if we don't get positive feedback from others (e.g. people interested in dating us), we tend to devalue ourselves...

 

I'm annoying the hell out of myself with this attitude. :p

 

I think you're right about programming ourselves to depend on others for feedback, which is pretty devastating to your self-esteem when you have no "prospects". Not the healthiest attitude but it's definitely hard to deny.

 

I'm really going to try and work on figuring out who I am and how to be proud of that person without anyone else. Hopefully I can get caught up in that whole "catch" cycle you mentioned as well. :)

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I love being single. I still miss my ex, and I would like to be in another relationship some day. But meanwhile, being alone is a fabulous place to live, if you look at it as a chapter in your life that deserves at least as much attention as you might give a relationship.

 

You're not going to be single forever, so try to enjoy everything you can right now. Spend some time becoming aware of exactly what you want, in any given moment. Popcorn for dinner? Chick flicks and ice cream in your PJs? Visiting some place your ex hated going? Do that stuff now. Treat your singledom as a vacation, where you get to decide whether you're going to stay in your hotel, or get out and see the world around you.

 

And as for that fear of ending up alone.... yeah, you probably won't. But what if you did? What's the worst that could happen? Would you stop living, stop breathing, stop laughing? No, you'd be OK.

 

It may not be what you want, but once you come to terms with it -- confront the fear and let yourself believe that you would be just fine, no matter what happens -- you will feel a tremendous sense of freedom that will keep you from potentially choosing the wrong guy out of a fear of being alone.

 

Learning how to love your single status will help ease those fears. And once you're feeling that inner confidence, it will take a pretty special guy to coax you out of your happy single life. And that's an even better place to be!

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Nikki Sahagin

I feel this sometimes too.

 

Most of my friends are in relationships and me and my ex had amazing chemistry. I repeat myself a lot on this website but I felt the whole fairytale/movie love feeling. It was just so strong and intense. And then it became such a deep overwhelming feeling, through everything that we'd been through, that I wanted him forever. But he left me and the feeling was devestating. I think the feeling is natural but I also think people are very fast to comfort others by saying yes you will eventually find someone. Of course i'm sure you will but I also believe many people do end up alone. Many people in their later life get divorced or their marriages break down (many times this is because they have been together from such a young age in the first place)

 

I would say try to enjoy being single and not fret too much about the future. Live for today. And realise that if for whatever reason you were to end up 'alone' (you'll never truly be alone, just maybe not part of a couple) that you can still find happiness this way. Sometimes relationships can cause more misery than happiness (look at abusive and co-dependent relationships)

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But meanwhile, being alone is a fabulous place to live, if you look at it as a chapter in your life that deserves at least as much attention as you might give a relationship.

 

You're not going to be single forever, so try to enjoy everything you can right now. Spend some time becoming aware of exactly what you want, in any given moment. Popcorn for dinner? Chick flicks and ice cream in your PJs? Visiting some place your ex hated going? Do that stuff now. Treat your singledom as a vacation, where you get to decide whether you're going to stay in your hotel, or get out and see the world around you.

 

And as for that fear of ending up alone.... yeah, you probably won't. But what if you did? What's the worst that could happen? Would you stop living, stop breathing, stop laughing? No, you'd be OK.

 

 

I love the idea of treating singledom as a vacation. That's absolutely brilliant. Maybe then I will finally be able to appreciate this stage of my life, because, like you said, in all probability it won't last forever.

 

And if it does I will still be here. I will figure out a way to be okay. :)

 

Thanks for your advice, it's made a huge difference.

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I think you are far more likely to meet someone else than I am, by the sounds of it :laugh:

I am 43, am very shy, mild agoraphobia, hate pubs, clubs..I don't think I am a great catch to be honest, plus I am very fussy when it comes to partners, they would need to be vegetarian or vegan for a start, plus be very unconventional :laugh:

I have probably been spoilt by clicking so well with my last partner (he left me in the summer after 18 years due to me be being so busy I neglected him).

I am sure you will be fine but I also totally understand and feel the same. I guess because there are no guarantees and the fact some people do stay single.

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AliveAndKicking
I love being single. I still miss my ex, and I would like to be in another relationship some day. But meanwhile, being alone is a fabulous place to live, if you look at it as a chapter in your life that deserves at least as much attention as you might give a relationship.

 

You're not going to be single forever, so try to enjoy everything you can right now. Spend some time becoming aware of exactly what you want, in any given moment. Popcorn for dinner? Chick flicks and ice cream in your PJs? Visiting some place your ex hated going? Do that stuff now. Treat your singledom as a vacation, where you get to decide whether you're going to stay in your hotel, or get out and see the world around you.

 

And as for that fear of ending up alone.... yeah, you probably won't. But what if you did? What's the worst that could happen? Would you stop living, stop breathing, stop laughing? No, you'd be OK.

 

It may not be what you want, but once you come to terms with it -- confront the fear and let yourself believe that you would be just fine, no matter what happens -- you will feel a tremendous sense of freedom that will keep you from potentially choosing the wrong guy out of a fear of being alone.

 

Learning how to love your single status will help ease those fears. And once you're feeling that inner confidence, it will take a pretty special guy to coax you out of your happy single life. And that's an even better place to be!

 

This post is GOLD. Read it twice. Twice a DAY even!

 

I've adopted this attitude. I am no longer afraid of the long dark winter ahead. It is now a time to heal, to rebuild, to cleanse, and to grow. I'll play a little too. Of that you can be certain.

 

Like PinkToes said above (but in my own words) : It is gonna take one hell of a kickass gal to get a pass into MY world but when I let her in she'll be entering a very comfy place indeed. It won't be because I have to-It will be because I want to. When I decide I'm ready to back down that road. I will, forsure, but later. I've got "me" things to do first!

 

I've decided to not even worry about dating at least until spring. That gives me plenty of time with no pressure or fuss.

 

So many of the things that trouble us really come from right inside ourselves and how we perceive things. The fact that winter is gonna be long, cold, and dark remains. The way I view it, though, makes a WORLD of difference.

 

Thanks for the fantastic post!

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I am thirty and I have the same fear of ending up alone. I'm currently dating someone who isn't really my ideal partner and I'm dubious about the future of the relationship, and also about the possibility of finding someone else if/when I break up with him. I have gone through a decade of being the bridesmaid but never the bride while everyone else had their turn, and since I turned thirty it's increasingly worrying and depressing. I try to rationalise that ending up alone wouldn't be so bad because I can take care of myself... maybe I'll hit forty and become a cougar who dates young guys, lol. The fact is it's better to be alone than to suffer through a bad marriage with the wrong guy. How you're feeling is largely a product of your break-up though; you really don't need to worry at 21! Plenty of time to worry if you're still unmarried at 30...

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OP, take heart. In my 50 years on the planet, I've yet to meet a woman who was completely alone. Not one, not ever. So, if that has any relevance, you'll be alone as long as you choose to be alone. At 21, I suspect that won't be long. You've been in a LTR since before you likely went to high school prom. Take a breath and enjoy alone. If you make it six months, I'll be surprised but not disheartened. Keep working on that 'approachable aura' I talked with you about. Best wishes :)

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Yes, You,re still young at 21 Do you miss this guy you dated for 5 years ? Maybe you may want to reconsider. Unless the guy was unacceptable. You know in your heart when you find the right guy. Someone like me at 37 who has no kids has it a little bit more complicated. I really have something to be afraid of. Most people in my age range either have kids or are divorced. I dont really want someonelses kids.

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