LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Breaks and Breaking Up

Can't shake the fear of being alone forever...


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 2nd November 2009, 12:20 AM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 112
Can't shake the fear of being alone forever...

I have no idea why, but I cannot shake the fear that after ending a 5 year relationship a few months ago, I'm going to end up alone forever.

I have absolutely no reasoning to back this up, but I have this irrational fear that I'm never going to find anyone else. Everything in my life indicates otherwise, but I still worry about being alone a lot.

Since my breakup, I have dated two guys briefly (neither relationship lasted more than 3 weeks), both significantly older than myself. One guy wanted to settle down ASAP and after the first few dates, I felt the spark start to fade, so I ended it.

The second guy - to put it bluntly - basically crushed me. It was the first time in my life I've ever been dumped, and it was really difficult for me. We had great chemistry and he was clearly very interested in me for awhile. However, after our third week of dating (seeing each other a few times a week, calling/texting pretty much every day), he disappeared. He clearly was going through some personal issues (he sent me a text saying he was going through a rough time & would fill me in the next time he saw me, which would "hopefully be soon"), and I never heard from him after that. I sent two texts checking on him & never heard back. I know something was up & it wasn't just a line, because a friend of mine works with him & said there was like a 2 week period where he just stopped coming into work.

I took the end of that second "relationship" pretty hard. I still think about him a lot and wonder what it would have been like if things were different, but they're not. I really liked him & fell pretty hard, pretty fast, and it seemed on his end like he was feeling the same way, until he went MIA.

Since that second guy, I've been really preoccupied with these thoughts of being alone forever. I can't seem to stop worrying about it, despite the fact that there's lots of evidence to the contrary. I'm very attractive (although I have issues with guys approaching me lately, I'm working on being more approachable) & in great shape. I'm well educated & I have a great career that I really enjoy. I have wonderful friends & hobbies that I'm passionate about. I'm also pretty young (21), so I don't even know why I'm wasting these precious single years being so worried about this. Maybe it's because all of my close friends have boyfriends at the moment? Maybe because I've never really had to deal with being single as an adult?

Any advice? Anyone else who feels like this or has the same fear? How do you cope with it?
Cinderella7 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2009, 12:24 AM   #2
Established Member
 
McGrupp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,296
Quote:
I'm also pretty young (21), so I don't even know why I'm wasting these precious single years being so worried about this. Maybe it's because all of my close friends have boyfriends at the moment?
i would say about 50% of your friends will be single very soon. 22-25 everyone gets dumped.

anyway i have the same fear now and im 24, attractive, fun, confident. yet the world makes us think to be happy we must be in a relationship. the white picket fence fantasy. i miss someone to care about me. and miss someone to hold. but i think it will be good to be single or taking it easy into my late 20's and i dont think you should be afraid of anything if youve already been on 2 dates.
McGrupp is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2009, 12:28 AM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by McGrupp View Post
yet the world makes us think to be happy we must be in a relationship.
That's backwards thinking, you must be first be happy to be in a (happy) relationship.
Lost&Found is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2009, 12:36 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost&Found View Post
That's backwards thinking, you must be first be happy to be in a (happy) relationship.
That's the interesting part of it. For the most part, I feel like I'm doing the right thing for me by being single (one of the major reasons I ended my long-term relationship), and there's a lot of aspects of being single I really do enjoy. For the most part, I am happy with the direction of my life in the present moment. I'm learning a lot about myself and I think this single time is really going to pay off down the road.

However, I have this nagging fear that I'm going to wind up a single old maid. I have these vivid daydreams about always being the bridesmaid, never the bride, for a lot of my friends. It's a completely insane irrational fear, but I cannot let it go. :/
Cinderella7 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2009, 12:47 AM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 31
It's not an insane irrational fear. It's part of the break up process. That fear happens to nearly everyone. It goes away eventually and then you find yourself with someone else!
Lost&Found is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2009, 12:48 AM   #6
Established Member
 
USMCHokie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Hell's Bowel, Earth
Posts: 14,880
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinderella7 View Post
However, I have this nagging fear that I'm going to wind up a single old maid. I have these vivid daydreams about always being the bridesmaid, never the bride, for a lot of my friends. It's a completely insane irrational fear, but I cannot let it go. :/

I know what you mean about having that fear of being alone, I spent the first 24 years of my life with that fear...and it has slowly crept back lately...but you know what I've come to realize...if you're only 21...you have SO much time left to live and learn...I'm sure at this moment time feels like it's passing by so slowly, as it has been for me since I broke up with my ex 3 and a half months ago...eventually time will move at a normal pace again when you're comfortable living with yourself...strangely enough, you'll get to the point where it'll feel as good as if you were dating someone...and that's when you'll know you're doing alright...
USMCHokie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2009, 12:49 AM   #7
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by USMCHokie View Post
...strangely enough, you'll get to the point where it'll feel as good as if you were dating someone...and that's when you'll know you're doing alright...

I love that feeling - you have all of the happiness you need and none of the stress of a relationship!
Lost&Found is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2009, 12:52 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost&Found View Post
It's not an insane irrational fear. It's part of the break up process. That fear happens to nearly everyone. It goes away eventually and then you find yourself with someone else!
Thanks for the reassurance. I was starting to feel like a crazy person because I'm so concerned with this, and my friends all laughed me off when I tried to talk to them about it, which didn't really help.
Cinderella7 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2009, 12:54 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by USMCHokie View Post
...eventually time will move at a normal pace again when you're comfortable living with yourself...strangely enough, you'll get to the point where it'll feel as good as if you were dating someone...and that's when you'll know you're doing alright...
I can't wait to get to this point. Even though I logically know it's not true, I can't help but feel as though something's "wrong" with me on some level if I'm not seeing someone.

I've heard of so many people speak of getting to a place where they are happy and comfortable being single. I am counting down the days till I get there myself.
Cinderella7 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2009, 1:01 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 138
In my experience that thought is VERY common when a relationship ends.
Please know that this feeling WILL pass as you heal and grow.

___________________________

Try not to entertain that thought and instead try to find the actual emotion underlying that thought.

For me it always boils down to fear:

Uncertainty (fear of the big scary unknown future).

Lack of self-confidence (fear of "failing" to be "good enough" for someone new).

Hopelessness ( fear of change- I was afraid to step out of my previous comfort-zone/afraid to let go of the familiar past and move toward the unknown future).

Self-pity (Fear of the inevitable effort and it's subsequent pain that true healing demands. Also fear of having to own my shortcomings- it is easy to play the victim. While indeed I sometimes WAS a victim I often overplayed it. It hurts to see my faults and I don't like pain!).

_________________

It's a normal feeling but don't feed it! Do the self-work needed to heal and move forward. That thought will make you chuckle a little further on down the road. You'll think back and feel silly for ever entertaining such nonsense.

There are millions of potentially GREAT partners out there for each of us.

It's a BIG world.

Really!
AliveAndKicking is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2009, 1:09 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 112
Thanks, AliveAndKicking. That is some really great advice.

It's very reassuring to know that at some point, this feeling will go away.

For me, after reading your response, I think there's a lot of uncertainty and a lack of self-confidence playing into my fear. I know I have a lot of great things going for me & people tell me what a "catch" I am, but on some level, it's very hard for me to believe those good things about myself.
Cinderella7 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2009, 1:19 AM   #12
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Eastern United States
Posts: 31
Everyone has these feelings especially after a break up. You'll be fine and you won't end up alone. Just don't rush into to anything to early or fall to fast and hard before you have some good grounding in your relationship.
RogueAngel19 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2009, 1:23 AM   #13
Established Member
 
USMCHokie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Hell's Bowel, Earth
Posts: 14,880
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinderella7 View Post
For me, after reading your response, I think there's a lot of uncertainty and a lack of self-confidence playing into my fear. I know I have a lot of great things going for me & people tell me what a "catch" I am, but on some level, it's very hard for me to believe those good things about myself.
This is pretty much me in a nutshell as well...spent a long time thinking that I wasn't a catch and that no girl would be interested in me...even annoyed the hell out of my friends and my ex with that attitude...I think the thing that changed it for me was realizing that I didn't need other people to prove that to me...I think we are programmed to see ourselves based on how other people see us...so if we don't get positive feedback from others (e.g. people interested in dating us), we tend to devalue ourselves...

Instead, create a list in your head of all your great qualities...personality, looks, career, whatever...just like a resume...and if you look at it objectively, you'll realize, dang, you're a pretty amazing person...no matter what you think other people see you as...and when you can honestly see yourself objectively as a catch, then you'll start feeling and acting like a catch, and you'll get positive feedback from others that you're a catch...and the cycle continues...
USMCHokie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2009, 1:28 AM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by USMCHokie View Post
This is pretty much me in a nutshell as well...spent a long time thinking that I wasn't a catch and that no girl would be interested in me...even annoyed the hell out of my friends and my ex with that attitude...I think the thing that changed it for me was realizing that I didn't need other people to prove that to me...I think we are programmed to see ourselves based on how other people see us...so if we don't get positive feedback from others (e.g. people interested in dating us), we tend to devalue ourselves...
I'm annoying the hell out of myself with this attitude.

I think you're right about programming ourselves to depend on others for feedback, which is pretty devastating to your self-esteem when you have no "prospects". Not the healthiest attitude but it's definitely hard to deny.

I'm really going to try and work on figuring out who I am and how to be proud of that person without anyone else. Hopefully I can get caught up in that whole "catch" cycle you mentioned as well.
Cinderella7 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2009, 4:56 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 627
I love being single. I still miss my ex, and I would like to be in another relationship some day. But meanwhile, being alone is a fabulous place to live, if you look at it as a chapter in your life that deserves at least as much attention as you might give a relationship.

You're not going to be single forever, so try to enjoy everything you can right now. Spend some time becoming aware of exactly what you want, in any given moment. Popcorn for dinner? Chick flicks and ice cream in your PJs? Visiting some place your ex hated going? Do that stuff now. Treat your singledom as a vacation, where you get to decide whether you're going to stay in your hotel, or get out and see the world around you.

And as for that fear of ending up alone.... yeah, you probably won't. But what if you did? What's the worst that could happen? Would you stop living, stop breathing, stop laughing? No, you'd be OK.

It may not be what you want, but once you come to terms with it -- confront the fear and let yourself believe that you would be just fine, no matter what happens -- you will feel a tremendous sense of freedom that will keep you from potentially choosing the wrong guy out of a fear of being alone.

Learning how to love your single status will help ease those fears. And once you're feeling that inner confidence, it will take a pretty special guy to coax you out of your happy single life. And that's an even better place to be!
PinkToes is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Fear of being alone forever.. but why?? darksky Coping 10 31st May 2009 8:12 PM
How do you get past the fear that NC will = goodbye forever? Baileykeg The Other Man / Woman 19 27th September 2006 10:08 AM
Marriage forever... forever, ever, forEVER, EVER? Cuao Dating 2 16th May 2006 8:06 PM
Can't shake this horrible feeling of fear! padparadscha Dating 21 6th June 2004 10:41 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:11 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.