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Just broke up, harsh words sting


learnfrommymistakes

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learnfrommymistakes

Hi all

I hope first of all, that everyone here is not in too much pain, and i am here to help and seek advice/support.

 

My BF and I just broke up, it was a tough breakup. We had the utmost respect for one another and tried everything we could to make it work. We wanted it to work and worked hard, too hard to get it in stride.

 

We were supportive of and good to eachother...it was sort of mutual, the breakup, things came to an abrupt OWWWCH. He was a wonderful man and boyfriend and a great partner yet we did not connect/click for more than a day or two at a time. Very frustrating...very.

 

So this man loved me to death, and i see how badly i must have treated him at times. He expressed some very hard words to me and told me what I made him feel like throughout the relationship. It felt horrible to hear this, and to know how badly i made him feel...in several ways. He also said i gave him more than anyone ever could..its highly complicated...but now i am sitting here, thinking that together we grew emotionally and in our own lives, we were both wrecked when we met, and I felt he saw a lot of growth in me over time. I believed i had changed, and evolved to a good level, he did not state his real disastisfaction till i came at him with some bad stuff. I am trying to take in what he said as a way to grow and evolve, and not repeat these behaviors. He was right with some of what he said, and i know it, but man it hurts to the core. I did not know i made him f3eel so bad, and un manly, and like i took away his mojo, testicles...

 

So now i have been accused of being all sorts of things, none of which are good, but i realize i did make him feel a certain way and i wanted to change him, i did. I admit, i did..and that was wrong. I could not accept him as he was and i made him feel less than, not on purpose. I showed him so much love and respect and kindness often, but i guess this other side was always there, taking that good stuff away. My need to change people, I hate it, HATE it, it is my mother in me..and i feel horrible and sick and sad and bad...and just need to vent. I hate my behaviors and really felt proud for growing in this relationship, now i feel utterly low. Not just cause he said it, but because how mean spirited it was, and that some of it, perhaps a lot is true. UGGG i feel so broken and low.

 

I know he was venting and lashing out, at things i had said, but it has left a permanent mark on me, and changed how i feel abt the relationship ....i feel so low...

 

thanks for letting me vent

Hugs to you all and hope u have a good day

learnfrommymistakes

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So sorry you're hurting, lfmm.

 

I don't know what stuff you said to him in the relationship, what the dynamic was, why you said bad stuff when you did, if he may have done something for you to say those things, or not.

 

What I suggest, though, love is that you don't think about all of that now.

 

You are reeling. This is painful. Really bad.

 

You need to take care of yourself right now. Wrap yourself up in cotton wool and do whatever good stuff you can to feel ok, good, even.

 

A few months down the line will be SOON ENOUGH for you to pick over the pieces. You WILL learn from this. Absolutely. You will learn how to be objective about it. You will learn what you could improve on next time, with someone who is more compatible. You will learn about what you can improve in your own life, at this stage in your life, for you (and no-one else).

 

But DON'T TRY NOW.

 

Give yourself a break. Hold onto yourself, take care of yourself. You owe this to YOURSELF.

 

He is not your concern RIGHT NOW.

 

We're with you. x

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learnfrommymistakes

Michleb

Thanks for your warm words, you are right, and they are comforting. he and I had the most loving and most tenuous situation, there was such a serious dichotomy. It will take time and i do need to focus on my future, and learn from my mistakes. I love him dearly, always will, and he loves me too. We were mismatched and it led to a lot of pain, and some growth.

 

It just is hard to think that someone u loved so much had such buried feelings..and to have it all come out, was hard to hear. I gave a lot to this man, and he to me, its just growing pains, and I just need to not go to the I HATE MYSELF stage, or self abuse talk....I did best I could, and will learn from this. I have a lot of guilt and some anger, and time will heal.

 

TY so much for your words, they came to me like a gift

LFMM

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No problem, honey.

 

I hear what you're saying. My ex and I were, (clearly, NOW!) mismatched but we both tried our hardest. We didn't mean to hurt each other but we, obviously, did somehow.

 

It IS awful. Tragic, even. And it cuts very deep. But it is all so fresh for you right now and, at this stage, it is SO easy to 'pollute the wound', if you like, with hurtful words and thoughts about ourselves.

 

It is VERY important that you try not to do this now. If you do, you will muddy the truth as your emotions make it impossible to be rational about the situation.

 

You will be fine. He will be fine. It is a hideous but important learning curve for you BOTH.

 

You will, one day, appreciate it - you are already aware of this, which is AMAZING.

 

There's a great book I recommend to people at this time called 'The Journey From Heartbreak To Connection' by Susan Anderson. It's a very painful but brilliant process (you have to do a serious amount of soul-searching exercises) but what's so useful about it is that it guides you through this horrible, horrible time. It will help you to go over everything you need to but at a pace that will benefit you best. Give it a Google.

 

Stay here and keep reading and posting. This is a good place to work it out. Really.

 

Thinking of you. x

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learnfrommymistakes

Thanks Mickleb

 

Book sounds good. You know I recognize that the breakup needed to happen, I just could not say the words. Its so hard when you have an amazing man, and you want this to work and worked so hard, and you have such love for eachtother but it still does not work.

 

Anyway, the book sounds good, thanks. I am not afraid of soul searching I have done intense work on self for a long time so I am not afraid to go deep, i know pain very well...lol..we are good friends, lol

thanks so much, really.

He and I, the ex are already turning the corner, as friends and it will eventually be less painful and awkward tho I do expect when he starts dating, soon he said..that will be the hardest part for me, always is

 

have a great day

LFMM

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